Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year?

I question this not because of 35 questionable "Happy New Years", but because the St. Louis, Missouri area where I live was ravaged with tornadoes and massive storm damage. As far as I know, my family and friends are safe and sound, but there are still many of my neighbors that are not and families facing starting over from square one in 2011 and my prayers are with them.

I talked yesterday about starting over in 2011, and I am less than 3 hours away from starting the first of many 11 day challenges. it goes. First Challenge is a fairly simple one...just 3 steps

1. Drink 100oz of water everyday(unsweetened tea and Crystal Light to substitute)
2. 30 minutes of intentional activity (can be broken up into increments of at least ten minutes at a time)
3. 1500-1800 calories a day ( I prefer a sliding scale)

So there it is, simple right? Remember that participation is voluntarily and I am not a medical professional. I know this is safe for me, but I do not know your medical history so if you have ANY concerns please address them with your doctor before beginning.

If you are going to participate, send me a message and let me know that we are in it together and we can continue to lean on each other for support...I will also be "tweeting what I'm eating" on Twitter as "lifeinblubber"! Looking forward to your participation and hearing about your successes and struggles! What's in store for me in 2011? Check in tomorrow to find out! Be safe out there tonight people and please take a moment to pray for the storm victims.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

It's Been A While...

I know it, you know it, we all know it...

So, let me just say that there are reasons. Reasons that I didn't want to talk about and in not talking about them, I felt like a liar, and in feeling like a liar, I felt like a fraud so I quit blogging.

I realized that sometimes you can go through something with someone and appreciate their strength and how well you work together and admire the things that you are able to accomplish together and then find out later that you suffered more than that person becuase they let you. You worked harder than that person because you made it easier for them to float by without as much effort. You actually made it through everything by yourself and that person was just walking along watching you do it. In actuality, you should have been appreciating your OWN strength and accomplishments.

I have been in the thick of despair and the depths of depression and refusing to let it have me. I have been forced into some hard decisions and because of it, a life has been transformed that resulted in the transformation of other lives and ultimately creating a stronger less afraid me and bringing someone that was completely lost inside themselves back to a person that I remember from waaaaay back when. I know this is all very cryptic, but the situation was a very bad situation for me and I want to tell you more than anything, but I was an observer of someone else's battle with their demons and while that battle is being fought and won, I can not reveal their struggle. I can only tell you that I was shattered. I was a shell of my former self and I am still not 100% back.

I am, however, on a new mission. Well, it's actually the same mission, but with renewed vigor. I am starting off in honor of 2011 with 11 day challenges. I am challenging myself, but you are welcome to come along. I also would love ti if some of you would recommend challenges. I am promising myself that 2011 will be an opportunity for renewal and reinvention at every turn!

I would also like to mention those of you who have supported me and have walked beside me in my journey! I feel liek I have let you down by dropping off the planet for almost two months, but I AM HUMAN!!! I can't promise not to let you down again, but I can make an effort to do it as little as possible. :) <---see that smiley emoticon? That translates to I mean it...

1st 11 day challenge revealed tomorrow to start on 01/01/2011.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

40 Minutes To Go

Today was a long one...

A really good friend of mine from work had her last day today. She is moving towards her dreams and found another job and is off to live the lake life, so while I am sad. I say Congrats! and wish her well, after all I am chasing a dream as well, right?

On top of that, work today was long. We recently moved offices and we had our Grand Opening today/Ribbon Cutting. It was attended by Missouri Governor Jay Nixon...I was truly underwhelmed. Is that wrong?

So after much pomp and circumstance, I went back to work for another hour or so and then onward home. I was dreading it on some level..since it was not a training day, I had made a promise that this week I would really put it on and do the tread mill everyday that I didn't train. My husband was home when I go there so he kept the kids outside so I can hit it right away.

I walk in the door...last time I did 35 minutes and I promised to bump it up 5 more minutes. I turn on the lights in the basement, walk towards the treadmill, turn it on, step on the sides, and speed it up to 2.5mph. (Hey...I'm a big girl and I gotta start somewhere, right?) 40 minutes to go.

10 minutes in...that wasn't so bad.

15 minutes in...are you kidding me...I still have 25 minutes to go.

18 minutes in...Meat Loaf on the iPod...(you took the words right outta my mouth...oh it musta been while you were kissin' me.) Song ends...I got 15 minutes left.

This where it starts. I don't really need to do 40 minutes. I can do 30, why am I pushing myself? I will just burn 125 calories and I will jump off.

WAIT!!! What am I doing? So this is where the craziness starts...I start screaming at myself...DO 2 MORE MINUTES..YOU CAN DO 2 MORE MINUTES!!!! I hit 2 Minutes and then I scream WOO HOO!!! YOU DID IT!!! Then I yelled "JUST FINISH THIS MILE" COME ON! AHHHHHH!

I was getting really verbal, but you know what??? It helped!! I made it through all 40 minutes!

You know what, I saw the Governor, I said good-bye and see you soon to a friend, but most importantly today...I ROCKED MY WORLD!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Facing The Scale

Title courtesy of Kristen from Kreating Kristen! I said I was going to do it, but I figured that I would wait until Thursday since I used to weigh in on Thursdays, but I had a personal training appointment today so I did what had to be done. I weighed in.

I was dreading it, but I did it. I stepped on the scale and closed my eyes and waited for the number. It seemed like forever to hear the words leave her mouth, but the dread was for naught..I have gained no weight and I have lost no weight.

This could be a disappointment, but it's has been really hard over the last three weeks. If I can survive the last three weeks and not gain...I just might be able to do anything. My trainer was disappointed, but I don't do this for her...I do it for me.

Things are looking up and I am ready to lose more.

I bought a treadmill on Sunday and I am definitely in it to win it!!! Yesterday I did 35 minutes. Today, I did an hour with the trainer and I am on the tread tomorrow!

It's a new day. It's not a new beginning, it's picking up where I left off!

Homeward Bound

I have been thinking a lot about the song Homeward Bound by Simon and Garfunkel. It's a song that I have loved to sing and listen to as I write, since I was young. When I was younger it was a dream about this amazing life that I would one day have that would take me away from drama and visiting family and friends would be something that I looked forward to because it had been so long since I had seen them.

Fast Forward ---> regular ho hum life, with a job I can't stand, the only amazing thing about my life is my husband and my kids. I disappointed myself and let myself go. That is until recently when I began the fight. And it IS the fight of my life. It is the fight FOR my life.

I have been truly blog slacking and for that I am apologetic...I need to do better, not for you, but because it is important to me. But it is a struggle sometimes and at others it feels like blogging, training, and eating right is "going through the motions and that is when a little Simon and Garfunkel creeps into my brain and I hear:

"Tonight I’ll sing my songs again,
I’ll play the game and pretend.
But all my words come back to me
In shades of mediocrity
Like emptiness in harmony
I need someone to comfort me"

and my head replays "But all my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity" over and over and over again, until I start to feel mediocre. I start to feel like I have failed and that I will never be more than mediocre. I thank my lucky stars for all you fantastic weight loss bloggers who keep me motivated and give me inspiration, but I have to admit there are times when I read your words and I feel that mine pale in comparison. I feel that my struggle isn't worthy of this blog.

Oh, but it definitely is...

So here is my brand spanking new challenge to myself...I REFUSE TO LET OUTSIDE INPUT HAVE DIRECT IMPACT.

I haven't been weighing in. I have been eating somewhat right and I have been working out, but the personal struggles that I have faced recently have really hurt me deeply and I can't handle disappointment, so I have been shying away from anything that might further shake my faith in myself. No more! I will weigh myself in this week and every week no matter the circumstance.

So, this damn song is coming off the iPod. I love Paul Simon in general so I am going to forgive him, but I will not forget... ;)

and I am going to move forward from this point on and find that fantastic life I always wanted to be mine...and in some way I guess that means I am Homeward Bound.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

'Glee' Brain

Dedicated to my friend Scott...I suppose I can't help it. I have an affliction and I have lovingly termed it "Glee Brain". I can't go even a second without thinking a song. I know some of you are probably saying to yourselves that you have had conversations with me where I have not belted a single note, but I guarantee that even if you did not hear it, our conversation about the stench in the ladies bathroom...had a Gloria Gaynor background track.

I have always been that way. I am truly a lover of words and, well..words set to music stick with me. While this tends to annoy some and cause a barrage of melody to be stuck in the brains of those around me, it keeps me entertained.

I find it helpful when I am on the treadmill and I have three minutes left to get my head fully involved in a rousing rendition of "Drops of Jupiter" or anything by Wilson Phillips instead of watching the time tick 2:59, 2:58, and so on and so on.

Training has been going well, but the food is on and off. It's like I can be good 2 out of three meals and the one where I am bad...I am bad. I have been under so much personal strain and pressure lately that and I know haven't been completely dedicated to doing the right thing. I try to convince myself that I am still doing better than I was before, but I know that the weight that I have lost comes from the coomplete dedication to succeed. I want to lose more...I will lose more.

I am in the market to buy a treadmill though...any thoughts on good,reasonably priced models?

Then I can burn extra calories and walk my way through every random song I can think of.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

We Falter, We Fail, We Fly

Sooo...sorry again about being so melancholy in my last post. Sometimes things happen in your life and they knock you off your feet or at the very least knock the wind out of your sails. It's easy to blame yourself sometimes, even when you are not at fault. While I still don't want to discuss what happened, I don't want to turn this blog into a religious deal either, but if you are a believer in God then you will probably relate. I found myself blaming God for giving me waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more in my lifetime than one can possibly handle, but after distance and the kind words of a friend, I realized that what may seem soul crushing to you today, may actually be the kindest and most gracious way to clue you in. In essence, it definitely could have been worse.

I have experienced some food failures this week, but I am not going to cry about it. I also experienced some strength in the face of temptation.

Saturday was my daughter's 6th birthday party. We had planned a bowling extravaganza! It was also my nephew's 2nd birthday. My sister in law planned a breakfast at Bob Evans and then on to my daughter's party. Breakfast food is a complete downfall for me. I love it all, eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns, toast, biscuits, gravy, pancakes and believe it or not...the list goes on. Breakfast has been like when I quit smoking...I know I can't do it. It's a slippery slope, once I's over. I did really well though. I had oatmeal, 1 turkey sausage link and an egg.

At bowling, my sister in law served Ian's cake, I refrained. I knew I was going to eat cake was inevitable, but if I could get past the first round, maybe...just maybe I could have a fantastic food day still and I did. Throughout the remainder of the day, I had 2 slices of veggie pizza a handful of Southwestern Ranch Baked Lays (mmmm) and one 2in x 2in slice of cake and I left the yummy goodness that is buttercream icing alone (no convincing could make me eat Crisco and sugar).

Last night, I was back at the trainer. I quickly learned that missing that one day last week and failing at attempting to do anything else at home was hard. Getting through the workout felt a lot like the first day.

I have also decided that if people's bodies gained weight the same way they lost weight, they would be more proactive about not letting themselves gain it in the first place. As I am losing weight and gaining muscle, the areas that are increasing strength and muscle mass are becoming tighter than others. A good example if this is the strengthening of my abs...RIGHT DOWN THE CENTER! It's not funny, but at the same time, I now have what looks like and sometimes feels like a droopy A/small B cup set of breasts directly below my original models.


All in all, I feel better this week. I know that my personal issue is moving forward to resolution and I know that I am on the runway and with each inch that I move forward I am preparing myself to take flight.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Unattainable Goal, Surmountable Feat!

Let's face it, I wasn't going to reach that 4 lb goal. Wasn't gonna happen. Last Saturday's emotional eating was gratefully my only food mis-step. I read the post that I made the goal and I realized, I never fully claimed it either. I wanted it to be mine, but I think after reading it now...I was apathetic.

I did get the workout in on Monday, which I am now thankful for because I went to the trainer on Tuesday, but an issue arose in my life this week that shook me on a personal level and well, I learned on Thursday that some days are worse than others. When you actually have what I will classify as my worst day ever, you learn that no inspiration can get you through them. You have to let the situation get around you and if you are survive. What I am trying to say in a very quizzical (?) manner is that I made a fully self aware decision not to go to the gym on Thursday.

I know that I will be okay though...I am dedicated to doing the right thing.

For me, that's to stay on track and keep moving forward.

My home scale shows a 2 pound loss. Next Thursday, a number will go into the official record, today...I am proud that despite my difficulties the remainder of the week, I did not eat my emotions, and I did not lose sight of what is important.

For everyone else on their journey's whatever they may be...keep up the good work and I will as well, with promises to check back in another day with more positive things to say.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Working It Out

I came home from work and decided that the workouts had to kick in hardcore today if I was going to even come in close to my goal. After all my emotional eating on Saturday, it is looking less likely, but I am gonna give it all I got.

I went to Wal-Mart and bought a white board like we use at the gym and wrote my workout. I tried to make it a total body deal...several circuits followed in between with 3-5 minutes of cardio on the recumbent bike. My workout lasted a full hour. I busted my boot-ay on my own.

I will admit that it felt really weird to do it on my own, but on the other hand...I DID IT ON MY OWN!!!!

This is a major step! I recognize it and claim it as mine. This could be big for me...we'll see!

What Gives You The Right?

Ok...this post is going old school...please sit back and enjoy my commando style rant!

A few posts back I told you about how my friend passed out at work, went all "exorcist" and in my mind anyway, almost died. (She is still doing well by the way) Remember?

Well, this post is should be titled "How Ignorance Breeds Ignorance" or "Give The Bitch A Megaphone She's Bound To Say Something Stupid" (The latter is possibly to long, but whateve).

I have determined that when it comes to weight, people think they can just say whatever they want and it's ok. If you are fat they judge you and can say whatever they want, if you are skinny well then you must be anorexic or bulimic.

As I have been on the path to losing weight, several of my close friends have joined the trail. My friend in the earlier post, she has been on the path longer than I and has got a substantial lead. She began secretly in March of this year. She didn't want to tell anyone because there is the added pressure and other people who always want to throw you under the bus or judge. You know what I am talking about. You are on a diet and someone says "Wow...tater tots...that's some diet."

It became obvious to me that she was doing something, she was looking slimmer and healthier. She finally revealed to me that she had been following Weight Watchers. While WW doesn't work for me, she has been successful at it. She has recently started an exercise program herself and she is now down 38 lbs. Congratulations! I mean, isn't that what you would say? She should be congratulated, losing a significant amount of weight like that is to be commended, right?

Apparently in my office, no. Some people in our office have decided that since she has lost weight and then passed out in the office, it must be because she is starving herself to lose weight in an unhealthy manner. I say people, but I really just mean one ignorant woman and her minions. This master "loud talker" lost a significant amount of "upper body" weight herself few years ago (trust me, she's got junk in the trunk enough to keep the Antique Roadshow in business for quite some time) so she should know how hard it is, right? (I know that was wrong, but I am sooo angry) Funny thing to me is that if she was legitimately concerned she would ask the friends of the person she was concerned about, right? Well, she thought it was more appropriate to question everyone else about it, henceforth starting a rumor that she must have passed out from starving herself.

Congratulations old pal of mine, You have made a tremendous effort, and have successfully shed 38 pounds. In doing so, you have also risen to the cover of the equivalent of our office "OK" magazine. Watch out, Angelina!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

I Love Christie (episode recap)

When I left you yesterday, I was explaining that I was going to come face to face with people from a pivotal point in my past and I wasn't sure how I was going to do.

We join our story right after I hit the "Publish Post" button. I get up and walk into the kitchen proceed to eat fun size Baby Ruth and a piece of cheese danish while I make peanut butter toast, I then eat peanut butter toast. I am not going to bore you with the details, but emotional eating ensued for the majority of the morning. (what a cramp this is going to put on my 4 pound goal for this week?). I think I would have done better, but Jim was running calls for his business all morning, but he PROMISED to be there.

After Jim left it meant that I was now responsible for juggling and dressing myself, the kids, and all Saturday morning errands, which included getting my hair done. Which means this is actually what happened:

In between bouts of emotional eating, I berated myself for emotional eating, told myself that I need to get everyone and myself dressed, but continued to procrastinate until it was too late not to rush. I then overreacted like a fool and started screaming for everyone to "fall in line". We are running out the door with about 20 minutes to get to the bank before it closes and it takes about 19 minutes to get to town. Once there, I NEED to get a haircut and I have about 2.5 hours before facing my past and I have to go back home first and then drive 45 minutes to the reunion.

I barely make the bank and Great Clips is packed. I run into Wal-Mart with two kids and I see that the salon inside is free of customers. This should have been an omen to me, but the salon is owned by Regis so they have to be qualified, right? Apparently not in Jefferson County, MO. I put my glasses in my purse and my daughter had my purse, so I could only see an outline of my hair. I was paying and Autumn's teacher walked by. She was so excited to see her teacher, she dragged her over to talk to me and I noticed right away that she would not look at me. She was polite and excused herself, I got my glasses and took off into the bathroom to see the styling I paid for....OMG...OMG...OMG. (sorry Scott). I am eclectic, sure, but I never intended to pay to look like Edward Scissorhands. I could only think that this needed to be fixed before I walked out into the store, because this hairdo was sure to have me starring on People of Walmart! I get it tamed only to realize that she has cut my hair into a grown out form of a female mullet. GREAT!!!

Get home finish getting dressed check in with Facebook only to see that one of the reunion attendees are not coming, too bad..she was one that would have made me feel more comfortable. Jim calls he is at Incredible Pizza waiting for me. I finally make it to the restaurant 3 minutes late. My sister is standing outside with her son and I see my hubby walking across the parking lot towards his work van...OH NO!! Sure enough, he received an emergency call for the other company he works for and he had to leave. I was heartsick and in tears, he PROMISED me that he would be there. He just kept saying he was sorry, I responded by telling him that I would NEVER forgive him and he drove away. How could I leave now, my sister had already seen me. Totally self conscious, I unpack my kids and head inside. I find my sister has gone inside and she is the only one here. 30 minutes later, she is the only one here. 15 minutes later, guessed it, we are the only ones here.

I ended up having a nice lunch with my kids, my sister, and my nephew. Despite having a good time...I left defeated. Never facing my demons and disappointed in my food failure.

Truth be told, I am going to have to force myself into working out today, because it is the only way that I can prove to myself that I can still attempt my goal.

By the way, I feel really bad about telling Jim that I would never forgive him. I have forgiven him and thankfully...he has forgiven me.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

I Love Christie

No...this is not my daily affirmation.

It is, however the start to a brand new episode of the reality show that can sometimes be my life. Of course, it's sometimes not suitable for network television, it's one that is purely relegated to VH1, because it can sometimes be a massive trainwreck, but it's my life so whateve.

Today is the episode where they bring back folks from my past. Only I haven't slept with any of these people and there are no deep dark secrets to be revealed, I hope.
Plus, we are meeting at a pizza place for kids so there is no alcohol involved either which is 6 of one and half dozen of the other.

I will be attending a private school reunion. I attended there from 9 years old until 12. After that I moved to a city far, far away from anything I had ever known.

This reunion has been planned, cancelled, planned and now finally it's here. Originally, the very thought of it sent shock waves through me. This is the place. This is where all the majorly pivotal points in my life occurred. This is where I went from a child into adolescence. Where I learned that people can be mean. Where people will judge you by the way you look and where you really only have a few (really a couple) of good friends that will get you through the hard times as you struggle to understand your place in this big crazy world. I went into this school a kid full of possibilities and left it a broken person.

It wasn't so much the fault of the school or the kids that went there, but of all the factors in my life that intertwined so there was no separation. Church became school, school became church, and with the introduction of the stepfather, all things became intertwined with home. I ballooned to 150 lbs by 11 and post step father I dropped to 75(thanks to his patented diet: dry lettuce with lemon fish coupled with emotional and physical abuse). My mother's divorce then culminated in our move to Farmville, USA and I made the rebellious decision that has guided me through the last 23 years to NEVER let anyone tell me what I can or can not eat.

Hopefully, this meeting of old friends and acquaintances will be a turning point for me and the only thing that will be eliminated from this episode is a lot of baggage.

Tune in tomorrow for the episode recap!

Thursday, September 30, 2010


That's right, people, I am down 21 lbs. The odds were stacked against me, but 21 lbs in 7 weeks. It's amazing!

My knee is still killing me, but I am soooo excited! Thursday Trainer Rebecca has officially graduated me and my workout buddy to the boards, which means that our workouts are written out on white boards and we just follow them. It's a step in a different direction because now I know what I need to do, but I have to drive myself to complete it and to be honest with what I am doing. The boards may actually tick me off a little though...I mean of she isn't driving me then what am I paying for? Couldn't I do this on my own completely?

Reflection over the last several weeks revealed to me the ways in which I have hindered myself in the past. The most shocking one is that I have spent a lot of time on "if I onlys (er...or onlies?)" I could only lose 50 pounds, I could get around better and then it would be easier for me to be more active and I could really lose weight. After this experience, I learned a very valuable lesson...the only thing that made it easier for me to be more active, was being more active! Well...DUH! This is just the tip of the iceberg for me. I am coming to you today at 287lbs. FROM 308!!!!! I can't believe it myself.

So I am going forward!!!! I have kind of a lofty goal for next week. I want to lose another 4 pounds by Thursday. I know what you're thinking and it's ok if it doesn't happen, but I just think it would be cool to lose 25 lbs in 8 weeks.

That's where I am. Where are you with your journey's? Drop me a line and let me know.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


Turn and face the strange is right, thanks to David Bowie for that little pearl!

Spent the afternoon with the Tuesday Trainer Christine! I hurt my knee last week so she was thankfully taking it easy with the power squats. Increased my weights to 10 pounders when I let it slip that I have been using them at home. Guess home will have to up it to 15! My meal plan is better this week as I am back to bringing my lunch and not being a slave to that cafeteria at work. I have been loading up on the fiber and at times today I thought I might explode. The food is a constant battle. I am not hungry right now, yet my brain keeps thinking about junk food. I have found that chewing gum is a good relief. It tricks my brain into thinking I am eating, but no matter the craving it resolves it for me right now. Funny thing is that before I was following a meal plan and working out...I never really thought about sweets. Or snacking at all really, so it really makes me wonder if I am just wired for self sabotage.

I told you yesterday about the hubby's "jobs", but there has been so much more going on. Last week, I had an experience that while it ended on somewhat of a good note, was really a game changer for me. I was at work and I received a message from my bestie asking me to call her. I called her she sounded distressed, a quick jaunt to her cubicle revealed that she was definitely in distress. Her skin was pale, she seemed almost not there. She was weak and experiencing abdominal pain. She asked me to take her to the hospital, but after assessing the situation I decided that an ambulance was the most appropriate route. I called her husband and followed the ambulance to the hospital. Once they brought her into a room, her demeanor had shifted and she was now in intense pain and contorting her body in ways reminiscent to Regan in "The Exorcist". I was terrified. In that moment, I realized that I could really lose a friend. Right now, right in this moment. Thankfully, God and doctors intervened and while she is still yet undiagnosed, she is fine and home with her family.

In this and I assume similar moments in one's life, you tend to think about the things that are important to you. You think about who you are and who you want to be. My friend is a genuinely good person, she takes pleasure in knowing the little things about you, she sends thoughtful cards and makes an effort to let people know she cares about them. I try to do those things as well, but is it enough? While I was thinking about this very subject, I ran across a friend's blog ( and she was relaying an AWESOME thing that she does with her kids...PROACTIVE ACTS OF KINDNESS....Genius. While I am not stealing the idea...I am following the example. What I love most about it is that they are proactive...I have to think about them and take action, unexpected action. Plus, I think it is a fabulous thing to do with the kids to teach them to not only be thankful, but to show appreciation.

It may seem like I already have enough "change" on my plate, but I am pretty sure when they say "It's a lifestyle change" they weren't just talking about food and exercise.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Life Gets In The Way

Blogging is so cathartic for me. If I have said it once, I have said it a million times, one of the reasons I do it is to give me something to go back to when I need it the most. This week, I have needed it.

This year is over 3/4ths completed and while it has been rough, it seems to be improving. We have moved into a new home, continue to survive a job loss, started a new business, and I have embarked on my journey. Truth be told, things are always changing, but for once they seem to be going in the right direction.

Turns out that maybe my trainer knows what she is talking about after all my eruptive anger over not getting my way and then exerting my will by refusing to weigh in, I only lost 1lb over two weeks. It was definitely a hard pill to swallow, but it has renewed me in a very important way. It reminds me that all the anger and my attitudes came from me to get me where I am today and that is why I need to be conscious of changing more than just my food and my activity. It is a total transformation. The good news...I am up for the challenge.

I have been really bad about getting in all of my activity this last week because life is getting in the way big time. My husband, in theory, is working three jobs. It's really no more money, but it requires more of his time and more of the time that he gave back to me 6 weeks ago, so while I can still do the trainer it has put a severe cramp on my extra gym time. I have some equipment to be able to do what needs to be done at the next step is just to do it and take back my original drive.

I think the main thing that I am learning in all of this that it may have seemed easy at first because it was new and the results were exciting. I was taking it for granted that it would just get easier and easier. It isn't always easy, but it is possible.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Finding Victory

I haven't written in a week.

I'll just come right out and admit that there are reasons.

It started last week with a promise to my kids. They wanted pizza. What kid doesn't? Since I started living courageously, I had not ventured into the realm of pizza. I agreed that if they could wait until my Thursday weigh in, we would go out for pizza. Everyday..."Is it Thursday, yet?" Thursday comes. I usually train on Tuesday and Thursday and try to get my gym time in between. Christine is my trainer on Tuesday and Rebecca is my trainer on Thursday. Christine is more of what you would call an isolation trainer, whereas Rebecca is an athletic trainer. They are both good for different purposes and I am glad to mix it up. However, on Thursday, Rebecca was not my friend. Not even close, she was nearing my enemy.

Last week was horrible, my manager was in the office (he is an off site manager) and in a very self important manner, he made accusations towards me and then warned me of the "MOST STRESSFUL WEEK EVER" (dun dun dun) He left town on Wednesday on the fumes of his unfounded threats and it actually ended in a good way for me. The LAST thing I wanted to do was go to the trainer on Thursday, but I had promised pizza and there is all that "on your worst day" stuff, so I went. I worked harder in the gym that day than I had ever worked. My 35-45 minute training session was around 55 minutes of non-stop activity. I worked out hard and I rocked the meal plan and I was ready to pronounce myself victorious on the scale. That's when she decided to inform me that she was not letting me weigh in this week. She had decided that at 6 weeks, I was bound to hit a plateau and she did not want me to be discouraged. I begged and I pleaded with her and at this point it was just a joke to her. She promised me to weigh in on Tuesday.

Folks...let me tell you, I was MAD!!! I was ANGRY!!! I contemplated not going back. I thought, "you people have a lot of nerve telling me to set small goals and then ripping them out from under me. You'll feel really bad when I am eating Meat Lover's Pizza tonight!" Then I cried.

I realized that the only person that was going to suffer from Meat Lover's Pizza, was the same person who has been suffering from it for at least 20 years. A promise is a promise, so my husband and I took the kids to Pizza Hut for dinner. I had 2 slices of the Veggie Lover's hand tossed and a salad. On the way home, I made Jim stop and I ate a Hershey's bar. Since that day, I have been slacking and making more "exceptions" into my diet.

Yesterday, I was training with Christine and she asked me if I wanted to weigh in. Nichole, my training partner had already gave her the "what for" about how she felt on Thursday, so in an effort to exert my Independence and let her know that I am paying for these sessions and I am 90% of this effort. I refused.

Thinking about this now, I wonder why I let other people affect me in this way. For me, it's like finding a turd in your flower garden after you've knelt down, your face is surrounded by petals, and you are full nostril. I let the smallest turd ruin the whole experience. I can't get over it. I have been so strong in this and I recognize my aptitude to let myself down because someone else has let me down. WHY DO I DO THIS??? Especially when I said it before...I am 90% of this effort! Even if the whole world let's me down...I can find a way to do this. I refuse to drink at this pity party. My victory will now come from proving to myself that I can see this through.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Updated Photos and Updated Commitment

I can't believe that six weeks is almost up! I have been working my butt off with the trainer and I feel it paying off, but I will let you all be the ultimate judges of my progress so far. My final weigh in of this session is this Thursday, but today I am 19 pounds down. Life is changing, I am changing!

I changed into my "photo clothes" and Jim couldn't believe the difference. My shorts can be pulled all the way up and my shirt comes all the way down! YEAH! Seeing results like this, I want to continue. I want to do what it takes to see this thing through. It makes me think about all the blogs from before, you know the ones...they ended in "the goal is to be more active"? I am proud to say at this point, my goal is to stay active. My goal is to live, actually live my life. I am through with being a guest in my own I am leading the tour! It's a free ride, but I have a feeling the views are gonna be amazing!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Remembering 9/11

I know this blog is usually purely a topical blog, however, since and through remembrance of the events of September 11, 2001, I have continued to learn lessons about perspective, fear, and my place in this world.

My 9/11 story is not atypical. I was sitting in traffic on my way to my collections job for May Department Stores. I was resigned to worked one of many recent 10am to 8pm shifts, I lived an hour away with traffic and before I had kids, I was notoriously early. Listening to the Steve and DC radio show, they started talking about the first plane striking the World Trade Center. They were watching CNN at that point and I "felt" the second plane hit and the second tower fall through their retelling. At first...I thought it was a joke. I thought they were playing some sort of prank and I was getting angry. Not only was it not funny in any way, shape, or form, but the "prank" was lasting way too long. There were several moments of silence as they more or less watched CNN on air. I began to realize that this was really happening. I became paranoid in the car, what did this mean? Sitting in traffic near a major airport, I starting mentally playing with the idea that myself and all these other fathers, mothers, friends, and lovers were virtually sitting ducks. Traffic continued to move at a snails pace, I just tried to remain calm and make it to work.

When I arrived, utter chaos. My job was to make collection calls on behalf of Filene's Department Stores which was predominantly in Boston and New York. How in the world was I supposed to call people and tell them they needed to leave their homes and pay 10.00 in the store, or tear yourself away from that TV for 10 seconds and grab your credit card and just make your payment real quick? Especially with the sheer number of people that were in the towers and people on the planes that were traveling to and/or from either location respectively. (and of course by this time the Pentagon and Pennsylvania planes had gone down as well) I took a stand and refused to make calls. Our department VP had relocated from New York and could not confirm the safety of several people that he knew who worked in the Trade Center,he agreed whole heartedly and sent us home.

The commute home was as bad as the commute in...wall to wall traffic. I was hungry for more information. Are we being attacked? Am I safe in my car? I had daydreams of tanks running through US cities, and marshal law. I HATED the news and now all I can find on the radio are commercials? I finally and quite by accident ran across a local talk radio station that I did not know existed and stumbled upon a live feed from CNN. Confusion and talks of people jumping out of the towers, choosing to either end it all on their terms or hoping that despite the odds they would be make it. I recognized that we were all witnesses to sheer human desperation and I began to cry in my car.

I drove out to the vacant property that would one day become our homesite. My husband was there clearing the land. When I arrived, he was surprised to see me. I sat in my car and looked at the land. He had cut down dozens of cedar trees, just topping the "tree" part and leaving in some cases 4-5 foot cedar trunks cut at an angle like a spear. I remember looking out across the land and thinking that he was prepping the land to handle anyone who may try to parachute in, completely irrational, but it made total sense to me in that moment. I commented to him and he laughed and that's when it dawned on me that he had no idea. I proceeded to fill him in, we sat in my car listening to the radio for over an hour. He eventually put away his chainsaw, locked his car, and we drove home hand in hand. The first time in a long time we had held hands.

We watched TV for hours. We watched until our hearts had broken. Cried when we saw fellow humans free falling through the air, cried when we saw people bleeding in the streets, cried when we heard stories of heroism and families reunited. Then when I couldn't rewatch it another minute, I cried in disbelief and for innocence lost.

I will never forget September 11, 2001. I make it a point not to remember it as a thing that happened, but instead as a moment that rocked my soul. It changed me in so many ways. It made me conscious of family and friends. To this day, it makes me say I love you to every family member EVERY time I talk to them on the phone. I say I love you (and mean it) so much that unfortunately the random phone caller gets it as well...(guy at Home Depot, you know who you are). I am more cautious and aware of my surroundings. My friends laugh at me. Sometimes, I notice a random truck parked on the side of the road and I will make a comment about IED's. While it's never been a problem in this country before, I no longer think like it's not possible. I wouldn't call it paranoia, because I do not live in fear, but I also no longer live blind to the fact that in a singular moment everything can change. One minute your putting on mascara in traffic and the next it's running down your face.

My prayers are with all of you who lost someone, survived, or witnessed the events of 9/11 either in person, on TV, or publication. Some had so much taken away from them that day, but from my own experience, I believe we all lost something.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Listing My Gifts

My sister is totally my inspiration on this one. Her journey is one of self-reflection and about uplifting herself to glorify her value despite her flaws. Today she decided to list her gifts. Things that are true about her and make her "wonderfully unique". She has inspired me to do the same. Please feel free to list what makes you wonderfully unique in my comment section.

My List of Gifts (in no particular order)

1. I am very observant
2. I am caring
3. I am loving
4. I am considerate
5. I have "pluck free" eyebrows (and if you don't agree...pluck you!)
6. I am comically self-effacing
7. I am all around pretty funny (I crack me up)
8. I am a hard worker
9. I have a wonderful memory
10. I am a talented writer
11. I am learning that I can motivate myself
12. I am a good mom.
13. I am loyal
14. I strive to be honest
15. I have wonderful family and friends who believe in me, even when I don't
16. I came to work even though my jeans apparently stink. (that one's for you)

Well, off to the gym! Hopefully updated 4 week photos tonight or tomorrow!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Scenes From A Public Restroom

When I became a mom, I knew that my life would never be the same. I was smart enough to know that everything was now going to be about this tiny pink bundle of poop and giggles. Despite the fact that I knew that I was giving up frequent "girls nights" and most of all my freedom, it didn't really bother me because having children was something that was important to me.

Pregnancy was rough on me. When I got pregnant with Autumn I was at least 120 pounds overweight. I gained nearly 60 pounds with her, 40 of which I lost immediately after she was born. I recovered from my c-section without issue. I went home from the hospital after 3 days and began the journey of raising this beautiful baby into the funny, smart, and sassy little girl that she has become today.

Eventually, Erica came along. I weighed my heaviest ever the day she was born. 314 lbs.! I again recovered nicely, but she was suffering. My diabetes had complicated her life. My weight had already affected this squirmy,little newbie. I decided then and there that I was done. I had to lose weight or there would be no more babies. Of course, I did nothing to lose weight so I just became resigned to the fact that my child bearing days were over.

Those who knew me during my pregnancies have their little jokes about the necessity of my swinging right arm to propel me forward with it's momentum and who knows what jokes people held privately. I began to realize after Erica was born that I had to do something to lose weight. I didn't want to be somebody's fat mom. I still don't want to be somebody's fat mom. I NEVER want my children to be ashamed of me for how I look. I also don't want them to value people by their physical appearance. I don't shy away from these topics with my children, but I also try to be careful not to make them overly concerned with body image. It's a slippery slope.

Autumn knows I'm fat. We've talked about it. She also knows that words hurt. She will never say that I am fat, she always says "the way that you are". When she questioned why her dad started picking her up a couple of days a week, I explained to her that I was seeing a personal trainer and that I was trying to lose weight. "Mommy, how come you don't want to be the way that you are?" she asked. I told her "Mommy needs to be healthy to spend lots of time with you and to make it easier for me to do lots of fun stuff with you." She smiled.

Remember those girls nights out that I gave up? Well,they are nothing compared to losing all private bathroom time. I don't think that I have gone to the bathroom by myself in 6 years. If I started out by myself, it's almost a guarantee that the door is opened at some point or God forbid, I end up holding a crying child while I am otherwise indisposed. Same goes for public restrooms. Trying to keep kids on point and from in depth conversation in a public restroom is near to impossible. Who doesn't love the random (at the top of their lungs)"Mom, is that you poopin' or somebody else?"

This weekend we went out for breakfast and Autumn needed to visit the ladies room, so when in Rome. As I sat there she started asking me about why my belly was getting all wrinkly and was insistent that I answer her despite my many and frantic replies of "shh". I finally whispered, "Mommy is losing weight baby and her skin is getting loose." I still wonder what others must have thought when they heard her say "Oh Mommy, I am so proud of you!" Apparently..I've been doing good job.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

The Funny Thing About Judgment

Foodwise...I have been a good girl this week. I did have Tater Tots once this week and yesterday while walking through the gas station...I knew I was not getting out of there with a bag of Lays Plain potato chips and I didn't...but I bought the smallest bag, took a handful and threw the rest out. Even I know this is a slippery slope though. evil nemesis, I will myself to conquer you! The more I give in on these small things, the more common place they become and I am right back in "that" boat with my head buried inside the 'Family Sized' bag of Lays. Since I don't like the journey that ship is sailing...I know that Courage is my friend and caution...a new virtue.

Excercise...2 trips to the trainer this week, no puking, Thursday there may have been pleading for the madness to stop. I don't really remember as the Thursday trainer works me to the point of exhaustion, but never wanting to be the lazy, fat chick in the gym with the 'skinnies' (as I call them) I press on to loss of consciousness and wake up on the scale a full three pounds less than the week before. Yes...that brings my 4 week tally to 15lbs. I got off the scale, she looked at me and said 3lbs and I was in tears. Still motivated from it, I have managed to get to the gym without a trainer an additional 2 days this week.

Some tears came from wanting to kick my own butt for not doing this sooner, but most came from letting go.

I have struggled for so long to have people take me seriously at over a full on person overweight. Thinking about it now, in some cases it was almost like wanting people to watch 2 people do less than half of the work of one. I would say things like "I would like to be a writer, but I am not good enough" When truly I thought that a lot of what I wrote was good, but I would play conversations in my head. I will show it to a random person and just KNOW that everything they were thinking had nothing to do with talent or writing, but instead thinking about how ridiculous I would be to try and sell myself to a publishing company or a magazine. In my head, I have actually thought that I could never be a featured writer in a newspaper, because my photo would never fit in that little box next to the byline. How ridiculous is it to think about yourself that way? So destructive.

I am valid. It sounds so ridiculous, but do you know how many times I have invalidated myself? How many times I have distrusted people, friendships, and situations because of my fears of their judgement? Funny thing though...I didn't need them to judge me and make me feel bad, because I was doing it to myself. It is also very easy to get all pious and say..."who are you to judge?" To those I say we all judge. I did it just today when I looked at the creepy old man who came into the gym while I was working out by myself at 5:30 in the morning. He was walking on the treadmill wearing jeans, a Hawaiian shirt, and a Walk-Man from 1993 and he kept jumping off the treadmill to re-apply hand sanitizer; despite everything I thought about him...he did not kill me and there is probably a real good chance that he's never killed anyone.

The point is that we all see things and determine at face value, despite all the old adages and words we use to make it sound better, all "venting" is judgement. We have to make a new commitment to avoid letting other people and what they might or might not say or do discourage us!!! Persevere.

Other people are not the problem. They may trigger an unhealthy response in you, but...the only person who has ever truly stood in my way was me and I was...and in some ways still am a hindrance to myself, but I refuse to stand still any longer. For those of you who are still concerned about people throwing glances and darting hurtful words in your direction...find a way to get out there and MOVE. It's a lot harder to hit a moving target.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

On Your Worst Day

It has been one of those weeks...oh I starting like this again? Oh well.

I had a total meltdown at work on Friday. Not really my fault, but I get so tired of people who think that just because they have a MANAGER behind their name means that they are somehow the "chosen", they can do no wrong. Or worse, they treat you like you are insignificant and you mean nothing. The latter sealed by tearful breakdown that ended up getting me sent home from work. WOO HOO!! FREE HALF DAY!!! If I had known that worked...well, I am sure too much of it would get me committed.

Despite my emotional breakdown, Friday was a good day for me. I left work, got a massage, picked up the kids from their various kept locations and went home to chill out. That's when it hit me. The full force of what three days in a row at the trainer can do to a body that is only working TOWARDS physical fitness. My abs were burning, my back was killing me. I could barely move. Then the doubt creeps am I supposed to keep this up? How am I ever gonna continue to do this on my own. If I am going to see real true results, then I am going to have to work out EVERYDAY! How do I do this in this kind of pain?

Saturday morning...I wake up and do NOTHING. BOO! On Tuesday evening I am officially pissed at my weekend self. Jim starts in as the blind saboteur..."What do you think about going to Golden Corral tonight?" I am thinking..."We ARE supposed to have the nephews over tonight and it would be easier than ACTUALLY cooking and cleaning up after 5 kids" and part of me was also thinking..."POTATOES!!!Mashed potatoes, baked potatoes, FRENCH FRIED POTATOES" So, of course..."SURE" came right out of my mouth.

Saturday evening, Golden Corral. We had to take 2 cars. I took my youngest nephews and Erica with me. My nephew, Nathan and I have a very personal discussion about weight and it's effects on our lives. He's 11 and the conversation goes to very deep places. Places that at 35, I understand on the most basic of levels. I realize in that car, there will be no potatoes tonight. Tonight...I begrudgingly lead by example. I had a grilled chicken salad, followed by what will forever be known as the big plate of fart (Broccoli, Cauliflower, Brussel Sprouts, Watermelon, and peaches) nephews can not only lived up to it's name, but on an adolescent boy scale...I reached legendary proportions.

I promised to walk on Sunday..I faltered. I did do some time in the pool with laps, but not to the level I should have. Dinner on Sunday was grilled chicken breast from Subway, so at least I ate fresh, right?

Monday. While I did have a handful of fries with my bunless turkey burger...I DID rock the meal plan, but did not work out because I was "resting up" for my Tuesday appointment with the trainer.

I woke up Tuesday with a promise to be on my bestest behavior. The kids fought me to wake up and get dressed. Jim offered to be a sweetie and drop them off on the way to work. I got in my car only to fall victim to that darn throttle cable which slipped out and caused the engine to rev excessively. I was late for work. As a result...didn't get to go to lunch with the ladies which translated into fewer laughs and no commentary on the cafeteria people (to which we have determined that every person has a "trailer trash" doppelganger and they all eat here). Work dragged on. I, did not, under any circumstances, want to go to the trainer today.
Then it hit me...a few weeks ago when I was in my inspirational heyday, my bestest friend that anyone could have in the whole widest world, Amy(last time she felt slighted when I said she was a good friend) had decided to step up her journey and told me she didn't feel like going to the gym. I looked at her in all of my "Year of Courage" snideness and I said "If you can make it on your worst day, you know you will make it on your best."

It sucks to be forced into eating your own words, especially when I am not sure if they are on my meal plan.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Big News!!

12 lbs down!!! Can't hardly believe it! What am I saying? Of course I can believe it. I worked for each and everyone of those pounds. YEAH WOO HOO! I am really pleased with the results.

Three days of training in a row? Well, maybe not my favorite...I have been super sore for the last two days, but a heartbreaking conversation with my nephew is helping me with the courage to get up in the morning and take a walk and do the full workout. It was a private conversation and I PROMISED not to discuss it, so I will honor his request, but it was like every word he said to me was coming from me, only 3 weeks ago. All of my nieces and nephews are important to me, but Nathan and I always seem to have extremely deep conversations and I am always honored to know that he trusts me with his feelings.

I have been slacking this weekend, so I wanted to give an update, but I am T-I RED! More tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Splurge and Purge

Good Lady Gaga, it has been one heckuva week already and it's only Wednesday!

To be honest I am completely overwhelmed this week. I kind of built up this expectation that this week was gonna be difficult and well....Good Lady Gaga.

I started my working with my personal trainer two weeks ago this last Tuesday. I am sooo much stronger and I have sooo much more energy, I could kick my own butt for not doing this sooner, but I am not quite that flexible...yet! Last week was kind of an easy week on the workout front because there was so much life happening. Autumn was starting school so there was orientation, open house, and well the whole first day of school incident that there was only time enough to schedule 1 visit with her and as you have previously read, I struggled on my own without those visits. At my workout last Wednesday, my trainer reminded me that I am on a 6 week plan which offers two appointments per week and since I was unable to use both appointments she offered to give me an extra one this week...ugh. I wanted to say "Aw...that's nice of you, but I'm ok...really.", but recognizing the importance of this opportunity, I agreed. I really didn't want to do it, but....I'm here in this place right now because of all the things I didn't want to do, I summon my COURAGE and press on.

It has been on my mind since last Wednesday, completely psyching myself out...I scheduled my appointments on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I made a conscious decision not to blog about it until I saw myself on the other side of today, but then IT happened. Well, actually a series of IT's.

IT #1: I made spaghetti on Monday...a HUGE weakness of mine. I portioned it out, I tried to be good and I was...I ate what I was supposed to and I went about my night, but I was in the kitchen by myself and I don't know what was going on with me, but I saw what remained on my daughters plate and I picked it up with abandon and SCARFED it down, I keep hearing this weird noise and I figure that Jim is doing something outside and I try to ignore it in between fork trips to my mouth. Just when the haze of this situation starts to fade, I notice Jim peeking at me from the powder room with a "what the hell?" look on his face. Instant embarrassment which made the disappointment in myself even worse.

IT #2: In a moment of...well...I could say weakness, but this was almost conscious rebellion, I made a decision to eat whatever I wanted for lunch. I was looking for any reason for it to be ok for me to eat a burger and fries in that STUPID, STUPID cafeteria (the bane of my workplace existence). I made an announcement..."This is what I am doing, don't try to talk me out of it, I won't eat the bun and I won't eat cheese, but I am having that flippin burger and fries". Thankfully my friends talked me down from the ledge and said if you are going to eat something bad make it one thing and then eat everything else good. So begrudgingly, I ate a Turkey burger, no bun, french fries and a banana.

IT #3: This trainer that I have is super nice, but inside her is an evil, evil, did I mention EVIL fitness genius. She mixes it up and makes it fun, but she wears me out and makes me glad I called her at the same time. I have learned that I don't like to disappoint people and this ACTUALLY works in my favor when it comes to working out with her. It was rough today. Literally thought that I was not going to make it through and every move was a struggle. Every breath felt like it was my last, but again it is 90% mental. I made it through. I got her very pleased look and she told me that I did a really good job and then we exchanged pleasantries about seeing each other on Thursday and being 2/3's of the way through a three day in a row work out and I walked out the door. 2 steps away from my car and that is where IT happened...shouldn't have worried about those french fries because they met their ironic end right there in the parking lot between the training studio and Racanelli's. From this point on public puking will forever be known to me as "Racanelli".

The point of all this is to remind myself and you that I am human and I will make mistakes. I think the real goal is to try not to make those mistakes.

A really good friend of mine told me today that you have to work on it day by day and at the end of the day if the good outweighs the bad, then you have succeeded. I like that.

I also like that I have spent my entire marriage listening to my husband tell me to "hurry up","walk faster" and "try to keep up", but tonight after a trip to Wal-Mart he told me that he had to work to keep up with me because (in his words) " I was putting it on". He was right. I was putting it on and you know what? He better "put it on", because I am going to give him a run for his money!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Walk A Mile in My Shoes

This week is kind of like Biggest Loser Week 2.

This is where the real work begins, only I thought I started already. I was wrong. Week one leaves you feeling over confident. Look what I can do! I lost 7 pounds. I am amazing. I am here to tell you folks, I am not amazing! I am not even semi-spectacular. I am a 35 year old woman that hit a low this week and struggled to keep her head above water. The kicker...I somehow made it through to the other side.

It's like anything else. In week one, everything is new and exciting and your confidence is bolstered. In week two, you are the problem. Just like you were up until week one. You know what needs to be done, you did it the week before, but your old mind set tries to finagle it's way in and it's easy because it's familiar.

It started as an excuse. I was injured, albeit a minor injury, but it felt like I collapsed a lung. I could only make one training appointment last week with Autumn starting school and I took a day to spend with Erica since there had been so much recent focus on Autumn. It was easy to NOT work out. Then Saturday came. I took my position on the wall and began my side leg lift reps and then my wall push-ups. I sat on the ball and thought about lifting weights, but my back and side were killing me. Well, KILLING me is kind of a strong word. Being a writer is a dangerous thing. I can usually find the right words to say, to convince others, to convince myself, but words are not getting weight off my body. Words have done nothing for me at this point in my life. Strangely enough, I can write a million words, but having the courage to use them when I need to, well...that's a journey that goes far beyond this blog.

There was such an odd beginning to Sunday. I woke up around 6:30, perused the life that was spent on Facebook while I slept and around 7:00 am I started to get this feeling. I really needed to workout today. I REALLY didn't want to. I thought about starting with the leg lifts again, but I saw myself stopping right at the same point I did Saturday. So I thought some more...I thought about going into the basement and riding the stationary bike, but I just couldn't see me spending any real time on it, I KNEW that I was doomed to fail. I thought about taking a walk and I chuckled to myself, as anyone who truly knows me knows that I walk.

Walking hits me on every personal weakness that I have. It sounds so stupid, but if I walk someplace, I have to walk back. I have to be able to physically get myself back. I have to depend on me. Hmmm...what's that about?

Going back to my "YEAR OF COURAGE" (It sounds so possible in caps, dontcha think?). I decided that walking was the only way that I was going to get it done for the very reasons listed above. If I was going to walk...I had to bring myself back. I had to push myself to do it and follow through and reach the goal. I strapped on my shape ups, let the dog out to walk with me, secured my iPod and was on my way. I walked about a half mile down the road and then I walked myself back. Then I did my circuit that I run with my trainer, and did 50 laps around the pool.

Today, I am 299 lbs. I have lost two more pounds and on a country road somewhere in rural Missouri, I may have dropped some baggage. If you find it, please...forget to tell me.

Friday, August 20, 2010

In The Wee Hours of Morning

It's approximately 4:30 am. I am up and I am blogging. I normally get up at 4am to get ready for work, so I guess I slept in. The worst part...I am on vacation. I had trouble sleeping all night last night despite being wiped out by the emotions of yesterday. The two things that are still keeping me from sleeping. Aching muscles and my daughter's first day of school.

My second actual workout with my personal trainer and I am wrecked. I worked out hard and I am seeing the results in continuing muscle definition. It is as addictive as FARMVILLE. You may laugh, but I kid you not. I know they say it is bad because it is discouraging, but I step on the scale everyday. I want to see what's going on, keeps reminding me that I need to "tend my crops". The weight fluctuation keeps me grounded and when I can see a trending downward and I know that I have done the right things, I never get defeated by that upswing due to water retention or whatever. I love the increase in energy and the stress reduction that comes from being active. I love not being afraid to go to the mall because I am afraid that I will run out of energy and I love not being afraid to plan things with my daughters for the same reason. As a matter of fact, Erica and I have a day together all by ourselves. I am thinking about enjoying the fabulosity known as the St. Louis Zoo this morning. It's free and chasing a 3 yr old around it should be quite the work out.

I am still aching quite a bit from Wednesday workout though. In my back and sides. I need to let my trainer know because I have a three day workout schedule next week and I am not sure that I can survive that and this kind of pain. This also means that I think I am going to have to limit my home workouts to the pool, providing I do not feel better in the next day or so. Keeping active in some way is so important when taking advantage of this opportunity with a trainer. Finding a gym that is convenient for me when the trainer is gone is my next task. What's that saying? "Lack of proper planning leads to piss poor performance"? Scott? Can you help me out here?

The meal plan is going well though. I have been asked by several people about my meal plan and while I am no trainer or nutritionist I thought giving an insight to what I am eating might be helpful, so I started "Tweeting what I'm eating" I let you know exactly what I am eating. You can follow me @lifeinblubber on Twitter for up to the minute details of what and how I am fueling my body. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA still sounds funny to me, but whateve..

On to more pressing matters, My little Autumnpotamus' first day of school. (for future reference, I have MANY annoying nicknames for my children)It was all planned out, which was probably my first error. Jim was going to take Erica to the sitter and I was going to let Autumn sleep in and wake her up gingerly, feed her a good breakfast, spend time talking with her while we got her ready for her first day, then drive her to the daycare center where she will normally catch the bus all while documenting the entire experience on film. Um yeah..didn't happen that way. I woke her up, she was crabby. She quickly got over it once she realized that she was going to school. She didn't like the lunch that I toiled over, she wanted to buy her lunch the first day. I gave in. (it's the first day, right?) We get her ready, she slept funny all night so she had a large matted knot of hair right in front of her face, so despite every attempt known to man she ended up with a 1980s "poof". I made her wet her entire head, but no matter what I did, she still looked a bit unkempt. I left the house at 6:45 am and drove 15 minutes to meet the bus at daycare, the bus comes at 7:20. I wanted her to be early so I could take pictures of her on her fist day and pics of her getting on the bus. By 7:30 the daycare workers noticed us "playing Project Runway" and finally told me that the school bus sheet was wrong and the bus came at 6:56. I now have less than 30 minutes to get the most excited girl in the world to school on time and school is 30 minutes away. I shut the door and immediately started bawling my eyes out. I just kept thinking "I ruined the whole thing". Her little hand reached out and said, "It's ok didn't know." :( I had to suck it up. It's not her job to console me. (but I am glad she tried.) Thankfully God and traffic were on my side. I get her to school with time to spare, explained what happened to the teacher and took her to the gym to line up with her class. I feel the hot tears coming on when she looks me with terrified eyes and says "Mama, please don't leave me here alone". As bad as this sounds, my hand to God, it's the truth. I pointed at her line, said "Hey, isn't that Adam?" and while she was distracted I bolted out the door. I cried all the way out and in the car. I felt like I was putting her up for adoption or something. I fought with temptation all day because of it.

My trainer told me that there are three reasons that we eat. 1. We're hungry
2. We're bored and 3. We are filling a void. The best advice she has given me is to say when we start looking for something to eat to ask ourselves, "Is it time to eat?" and then "What just happened?". The point of this is to force ourselves to identify the moments that we are "emotional eating" and to find other ways to comfort ourselves.

By the way, Autumn had a good first day of school. I was so excited to hear all about everything she learned. She told me "We played outside and in PE we just did push ups, which I HATE." Me too, baby...Me too.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


Today Marked the beginning of my second week with the trainer and my meal plan. The official tally at the gym was 7 lbs. lost. That is amazing to me. I am super excited and pumped for more although the workout was much harder for me today. I still powered through and came out ALIVE on the other side. I have decided that I already know how people on the Biggest Loser feel when they are afraid to go home. I am already concerned about what happens to me in 4 weeks when I no longer have a trainer. Will I be able to do it myself? I want to. I want to say yes more than anything, but there goes my notoriously bad self esteem again...sneaky little...
This is also my self saboteur in full on recon mode. I am my biggest obstacle.

The thoughts of that are scary and I have to admit they are definitely triggering my emotional eating. I have not been defeated by temptation yet, but it's there..on my shoulder throwing it's taunts. I think that means I HAVE to stay in tonight. In the big scary world of Wal-Mart or Walgreens it's hard to say no. At home, I am safe. I did the shopping this weekend so there is not a scrap of junk food in this house.

Another first that has me teetering on the edge of a fantasy land filled with baked goods is my daughters first day of school. I can not believe all of the unknowns. Will she be ok? Will she cry? I work full time so my kids have always gone to a sitter, but my sitter NEVER traveled with my kids. This is the first time I will be dropping her off at daycare and leaving her in someone else's care who will be placing her on a bus to be transported into someone else's care and then the whole thing in reverse. This is where the Amish have one over on me. They may not have electric, but they are secure in knowing the location of their children. I try so hard not to let her see my concern and my trepidation because I want her to walk in there with confidence, ready to take on the world. I always want her to believe in herself and know that she is strong and capable. I want her to love herself and feel love from others. I can look out for dangers at home. I can kiss her face when she is hurt, but school is the one place that I can not protect her. I will not be there with her to tell her that it is ok when other kids think she talks to much or a group of kids tell her that Hannah Montana is so pre-school and she thinks she's the greatest and I can not wipe away the pain of things that she will start to keep from me. My biggest fear is that she will end up like me in that way. I can only offer her my ear and a trusting environment to be honest and one in which I hope she believes me when I tell her she is the most fantastic thing with which I have ever been entrusted. She will always be my chunky Chinese snowman(even if it seems politically incorrect)! Good Luck Autumn, Mommy loves you more than you will ever know.

My Meal Plan...Inspiration for healthy meals as I "Tweet what I Eat" on Twitter @lifeinblubber

Monday, August 16, 2010

Training Day!

I was confident all day. I was walking tall and I like to think it had nothing to do with the fact that my Skecher Shape ups make me two and a half inches taller than I normally am. I felt good though. I was excited to start my bi-weekly trips to see my trainer. The fitness assessment had gone so well, this was going to be a cinch.

Life has a way of snatching me out of fantasy land and pushing me out of the plan without a parachute to land head first into reality.

I was ready to go. I changed into my workout clothes 10 minutes before the end of my work shift. 3:15 and I start to make my way across the parking lot. August in St. Louis, 100 degrees, but it feels like 115. By the time I get to my car. My clothes are practically drenched. I get the to the studio and the lights are out, the doors are locked. Ok...I guess I will wait.

I laugh at myself. Why am I so impatient? She'll get here. I'll work out. Then I'll go home and swim. I mean, I will be able to do more than just her workout. I am stronger than I think I am....remember? My trainer shows up and we go inside.

We discuss my meal plan. We discuss keeping a food journal (I've been advised that this is necessary, but believe me...this is a special kind of evil). Then we weigh in. No big deal. I weigh in all the time now. I know exactly what to expect. I couldn't have been more surprised to hear her say 308. Um...excuse that my locker combination?



ok...I can contemplate that number all day. The number that has now all but crushed my spirits. I thought I was going to cry. Completely mortified and and despondent, I walk into the training area..where she handed me my ass.

On a platter. She kicked my butt in 30 minutes. I barely put up a fight. HOWEVER...I made it through. I drove home and promptly fell asleep for about an hour.

I woke up the next morning and got ready for work and as I am getting ready I notice that I already feel stronger. I have only had my fitness assessment which was like my training session at 60% and then the training, but my "core" feels tighter. I feel like my legs are carrying me with an ease I don't remember experiencing before. More than anything...I FEEL FANTASTIC!

This feeling has been with me all week. It was with me on Friday when I came home from work and walked 40 laps around the pool,did more strengthening excercises with the kettlebells, and used the bands. It was with me Saturday when I did 30 minutes on the bike and then spent the day bowling with my family. I am energized. I see and feel myself getting stronger and I love it!

I am sure that there will be struggles, I am sure that there will be days that I will need to push myself to move forward, and I am sure there will be days when I just won't do it.

I am 1 week in and I am down 6.5 pounds. The goal is to keep moving forward. What are your goals? What steps are you taking to achieve them?

Friday, August 13, 2010


I have started this entry five times now. I keep wanting to say that "words can not express how I feel", but it seems a tad contrived especially since I am expressing myself with words. Those of you who know me well, know that I tend to hinge on logical forms of speech and, well, what is good for the goose is good for the gander, I suppose.

I had planned to sit down tonight and fill you in on my progress (and I am happy to report, there IS progress) and tell you about my first official day in the gym with my trainer. I can never remember that saying about best laid plans, but I am sure it applies here. I have decided NOT to do that tonight. I promise I will later on this weekend, but I have something more important tonight.

This last week, I have received an outpouring of support so great that I would be remiss if I did not mention it. I was contacted by SO many people both on the blog, privately, and some in person all thanking me for what I am doing here. I suppose it is kind of gutsy, but believe me...I need this as much as anyone. I need to document this. I go back to it all the time.

I think about it when I am trying to convince myself that it is ok to just grab something to eat on the way home. I think about it when I get home and think I will skip the pool workout and just veg on the couch with the kids and lose myself in some "reality" television (scripted tv is so 1980). You have all given me a new level of accountability that I never expected. Thank you!

I am human and I will have mis-steps and I may reach out for support to help me pull through, but I will promise to always be honest here. It is so important that we are honest with people and show them our true selves. I have often hidden myself and my feelings away, trying to convince people that I am proud of who I am and that my physical being doesn't matter, but in reality I was trying to convince myself.

My journey is as much about showing myself that I can commit to something that scares the bejesus out of me (writing on a regular basis) as it is about my weight loss. Thank you for sharing in my journey. Please continue to keep me apprised of yours, whether it is losing weight, changing something that you don't like about yourself, or chasing a dream that you thought was lost.

I have spent so much of my life trying to jump the gun and say what others were thinking about me before they could say it, and being angry at them for it, I never stopped to imagine that others could relate so closely.

I am truly blessed!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Strength and Courage

It's funny how everything has been working out lately. In a lot of ways it's almost like this isn't my life. I have been trying to change directions. You know, focus on things that are important to me for once.

It started with the realization that when I quit smoking I accomplished something amazing. I fought, struggled, and continue to beat something that people struggle with everyday. It's something I should be proud of, but like anything else it becomes part of life. My accomplishments seem to bleed into the day to day of taking care of the family, going to work, and the basic grooming needed everyday to pass as a human being. You forget the struggles that got you where you are because you are focused in the struggles of where you are going.

In a very rare moment alone, I stood in the Writing and Publishing section of my local Barnes and Noble looking for some kind of workbook or book of "jumping off points" to spur my creative juices. Cue the Angels singing and bright light. It almost jumped off the shelf at me. It was called "Courage to Write". I have been in this section MANY, MANY times and I can almost guarantee it had never been there before. It was destined to be owned by me. At least as destined as $14.95 plus tax can make it. I opened the first page and there alone was every penny's worth of knowledge. It basically said that writing as well as any creative endeavor is deeply personal. It's not like filling the fry box at McDonald's or filing some pointless Act of God accident claim. It's like baring my soul to my reader and then giving you a sheepish smile and saying "I hope you like it" and at the same time being sure that you won't because I have notoriously bad self-esteem.

This is still like my aha moment. It's not brazen and bold yet, but it's still there quiet and nagging...aha. I like the idea that someone else has felt that. Not only that SOMEONE felt that, but someone courageous enough to write a book about it and gutsy enough to convince someone to publish it and poignant enough to reach me in my favorite aisle of Barnes and Noble.

The idea of being courageous is an eye opener to me. I thought about my life and really started to note all the courageous things I have done recently. I had the courage to quit smoking, I find the courage to update you all on my progress and let you see my lowest lows and hopefully my highest highs. I had the courage to tell you all exactly how much I weigh.

I made a decision that 2010 is my year of courage. I need to be courageous enough to really focus on my weight loss.

I hear it everyday. I say it everyday. "I would like to do...but" I would like to write, but it's so loud and I have so much to do around the house. I would like to lose weight, but I live 45 minutes away from any real civilization and my kids have to be picked up at a certain time and blah, blah, blah... It dawned on me while listening to someone else do this same thing that it was less about figuring out a way to do it and more about listing my excuses to convince myself and to get you
(the collective you) to agree with me and say, "Yeah...I wish it was easier for you, buck up." That thought made me really sad. I do not want to make excuses, nothing is accomplished with excuses.

I made my next courageous decision. I called a personal trainer. I discussed my options with her and got a feel for who she was and told her that I needed to discuss it with my husband.

I sat Jim down and I told him that I have worked really hard to make things easier for him and in the process have complicated myself. This is no longer a partnership, but one person bearing the responsibility and the other living the high life. I told him that I needed HIM to buck up and do the hard inconvenient thing for once and help me with the kids in the afternoons so that I can focus on losing weight and being healthy. I was surprised to hear him say "Whatever you need" without skipping a beat. I am still kind of flabbergasted, but I wasn't going to question it.

I didn't have to call her back, she called me first thing Monday morning and before I knew it, I was making an appointment for a Fitness Assessment the following day.

That was yesterday. I went to see her directly from work for my Fitness Assessment. She put me on a 1500 calorie meal plan and on to test my physical abilities. I did not expect to do well. I am obviously out of shape, turns out that all the work I have been doing in the pool with the kettlebells have already started to pay off as she actually increased the weights twice so I did my assessment with 8 pound weights!!!!

There is something to be said about working with a trainer because I have tried alone and have faltered. It's about being accountable to someone else and for me it was a little bit of a pride thing. There were times I wanted to quit and say I can not do this, but I did not want to give her what you expect from the fat chick. I wanted to show her that I wanted to be there and I had every intention and desire to do what she wanted me to do.

At the end of my assessment she said to me, "Great Job! You are stronger than you think you are." Not stronger than she thought I was, but stronger than I thought I was. She was right.

Here's the deal.. I have signed up and I am ready to make this happen. I go back tomorrow. I hope you all continue to give me your support and follow my journey and I would love to hear about yours. My next courageous task is that I am actually posting my BEFORE pictures here and hope to update them periodically. There is nothing that anyone can say that I haven't heard or thought before.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Weekend Update with Christie

Good News First!!! Down 4 lbs. Admittedly only minor dieting this week, but with the exception of a major KFC downfall, I have tried to be a good girl. I still had a couple of burgers in the work cafe this week which makes me think that I may have to make a strong effort to avoid the location altogether. I have been going there for a long time for companionship with the ladies at work, but I could bring my lunch everyday and potentially eat there anyway because some awful concoction I would never make at home is calling my name. I just made myself a little sick saying that..mainly because I was imagining a country fried steak covered in white gravy romantically asking me to come hither. I realize that was a nasty thing to share, but...I'm a giver.

On to my new Shape-Ups. Skecher Shape ups!!!! Get some. They are AWESOME!!!! I love them. They have specific instructions that come with them and as with anything else I refuse to follow them. They advise that for the first two weeks you should not wear them for more than 30-45 minutes at a time. I bought them on Friday and went for an all day shopping trip with my mom on Saturday. (I brought extra shoes in case I NEEDED to change them) I never changed my shoes. I kept them on the entire day. I would get a twinge of strain in my legs from time to time, but I gave myself the Jillian Michaels "You're not gonna die" speech and...I did not die. I was out from about 8am til about 7pm and I came home and felt fine. I took them off and sat down and within an hour....I hit the wall at 60 mph. My legs felt fine, but my entire upper body ached. Everyone thought I was crazy. I have continued to wear them as much as possible. They really force you to stand in corrected posture and they are so easy on my joints, however...I have only had them for a week, but for now...I am a believer.

My dad was here and left on Wednesday. It was great to see him, even though I barely spoke to him. It wasn't like a conscious effort. It was just with everyone here and him working, I only had time to give him trouble about his desire to grow a ponytail. This blog is not about middle aged men and their hair, so I will leave at a strong threat to put him in a home and give him a side pony. My stepmom was fantastic and I think she had a really great time bonding with the kids and I know they missed them when they left. She also brought my niece with them from Nevada, which was nice. Trinity is a very sweet little girl and she and Autumn got along wonderfully.

It was a pretty eventful week with family here, but with the exception at the hands of the Colonel and those damn burgers in the cafe, it's been a good food week. I have struggled with my brain telling me that I can treat myself to a cupcake. I was so close to buying it, but it's a slippery slope my friends. This is one area that is really hard for me because I make notoriously poor food choices.

I have so much more to say about this week, but no time left to do it in right now, so I will end here and I promise to write more later today or tomorrow in regards to my food revelation and my possible search for a personal trainer.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Shape Up Or Ship Out

My brand new scale is broken.

Well, maybe not broken, but the batteries are definitely ALREADY dead...why include the batteries if you just want me to buy them again in a week to 10 days? I would have gladly done it up front and be in a WAY better mood today.

I guess this might be a blessing in disguise because it is impossible to update you on my weight loss. AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (that is my evil laugh, btw)

I have taken strides this week to lose weight. To be clear, I have made strides this week to assist me in losing weight that have make noticable differences.

Since I am lucky enough to have a pool, I have been spending lots of time in the pool walking laps, swimming, and working out with the kettlebells. At this weight it is very different to work out. Even low impact excercise is very hard on the joints. Jim thinks that working out in the pool is effortless, but it's not...I may not sweat, but I feel the burn, I get the same shortness of breath that I get from working out inside.

Thursday night we were in the pool together and I was using the kettlebells and he started to notice that my arms are getting definition to them. You can see my muscles working under the surface of my skin and my upper arms are getting smaller.

I also invested (and I use that word tongue in cheek) in The new Skecher's Shape Ups, you know the tennis shoes that help tone your legs, glutes, improves your posture, and are easier on your joints.

It may be a gimmick, but lots of people say they work. I guess I will report on my journey.

My dad, stepmom, and neice are coming in for the weekend. I am excited to see them. My sisters will be spending a lot of time here, so I am trying to make some good grocery decisions and eat healthy. My dad is a diabetic, same as me. It's important for me to eat healthy, but it's also important to me that if I am going to feed him then he is going to eat healthy here. I know my step mom tries to get him to do the right things, but he's hard headed. that where I get that from?

My dad has diabetes, yes, but he is not fat. He doesn't take care of himself, his bloodsugars are through the roof! I have had conversations with him in regards to taking his medications and such and he says they make him fat and he would rather be dead than fat.

Yeah...I think that I would rather hear some freak of nature stranger call me a cow in a public arena on mic during a concert than have my own father tell me that he would rather be dead than fat.

I do not want to be fat, but I am glad to be alive. If I was unable to lose weight, I would still be happy to be alive.

The goal is to be happy and keep heading in the right direction.

What are your goals? Share them with me, I would love to discuss them!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

I Had the Strangest Dream

Last night as I went to bed, I thought, "Wow, this is the eve of my official 1st year as a non-smoker." I should have never acknowledged it. Dreams are powerful things.

Before I get into the dream, I need to provide you with other background information on this week. I have slept very little. I bought a new crazy scale that doesn't just provide your weight, but it is full of all kinds of little confidence killers, like BMI, water weight percentage, and worst of all your percentage of body fat. The first time I stood on it, provided me with SHOCKING information across the board. This began a week long debate with honest do I really want to be with my reader?

By that, I mean to do I want to tell you how much I weigh.

I try to be as honest as I possibly can and there in lies the struggle. I could tell you what I weigh, but I see some of you everyday. I know me. I know that when I look in your eyes, I will think you are thinking about it. I will see the numbers looming over your head right back at me, like in that old credit score commercial. I want to do this thing. I want support, but in the honesty comes judgement from people I love and thinking about it makes me want a cheeseburger hug followed by a cheesecake pat on the back. Which brings me to the other thing...I do not want people telling me what to eat or saying maybe I shouldn't have eaten something.

Then I realized that I am asking people to hold me accountable and stand with me, but I am cutting their legs off at the same time. hmmmm..what to do?

So back to the dream...A parade is being held in my honor, down some picturesque little old timey street. The floats are amazing, my family has one, my friends, then Phillip Morris...what? Their float says, "We Miss You, Please come back." Everything froze. There was some old guy in a suit standing with a boom box over his head `a la John Cusack in "Say Anything". He tells me about all the good times we have had. He reminds me about all the parties, all the times they have held my hand while I cried. Then he says, "you know a good cigarette can suppress your appetite, you'll never lose weight without us." Then it took a strange turn into this reoccurring dream that I have been having for a while where I am working with a chimpanzee who can write anything and everything that I sing to him, but that is probably not related.

I woke up this morning with a new determination to succeed at this, maybe what I need is for someone to say get that out of your mouth. or let's walk.

The goals are to be more active and more accountable. I need to get further away from 301 lbs.....see what I did there....Nice. I know. ;p

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Am I actually setting a goal?

I think I might be. On Saturday, July 24th, I will have been a non smoker for 1 full year. Can you believe it? I know I CAN'T. Making it this long without lady cigarette, the temptress is unbelievable. If I can do this, I should be able to achieve anything, right?

So here it is people.

I am going to lose weight. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Shocker, right? I am making a serious commitment. I, however, am not going to put a figure on it. No number of pounds, no desired size, just one fantastic goal...take my kids to Six Flags next year and ACTUALLY be able to fit on the rides.

Believers in Karma will love this story.

When I was younger, a preteen even, I went to Six Flags with my bestie...a fantastic day of Thunder River and feeling the thrilling potential that my neck may snap on the Ninja. I was fresh off the Stepfather diet and thinner than I had been since I was 6 or 7. I saw a woman who was struggling to walk with this incredible belly. At 11 or 12 I had never seen anything like it. I looked at my friend and I said..."If I ever get that big, shoot me."

Wrong...I know. This could however, could explain my paranoia, looking over my shoulder, fear of being alone. While she doesn't strike me as the conceal and carry type, a promise between friends is a promise between friends, right?

So apologies to random woman...I now know how it feels and I owe you a huge apology. Somewhere, someone is asking their friend to shoot them if they ever get as big as me and I am praying for them. They should never have to endure this life, this struggle and neither should I. So I am trading in the "church skirt" for the "mini" and striving to share a day or season of fun with my children.

The goal is to be more honest with myself.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

In a Funk and Starting Over

It's been almost a year since I started this. I am embarrassed to say that I am still as big as I ever was. I am embarrassed to admit that I have failed at this point to keep this up. What is up with me?

Life gets in the way of living. I am not living. I am going through the motions everyday..still doing more for others than I am myself. Not that my life isn't at all good. There is some good. There are good people. People who love me. People who genuinely care about me. People who want me to succeed. People who need me to succeed.

I find myself becoming increasingly more negative which is good for nothing. My negativity is a source of humor for some, but the more negative I become the more acerbic my forked tongue becomes. The thinner my confidence becomes, the thicker my walls become.

The truth is I am tired of certain people walking all over me. I am tired of holding it in. The more I hold in, the angrier I get. The angrier I get, the more withdrawn I become. The more withdrawn I become, the less drive I have. It's continuous and it's vicious.

I guess I am going back to square one. My goal is to locate my scale and do this for real and do this right.