Friday, July 31, 2009

Road to Ruin (pt 2)

Wow---150lbs. I would kill for that now...Well, I don't know about kill, but mame anyway.

Back to the story, we were living in flux, sometuime with my grandparents and sometimes on our own with my mom. My mom tried, but she was not match for her kids. I think she was overwhelmed alot and didn't really fight all that hard against us. We knew how to work her.
She had been divorced for a few years and my mom was young. By the time I was 12, my mom was turning 30. She didn't want her life to be over. She was on the prowl. That sounds bad, but by that I really just mean that she was on the lookout for a man. There was Jim the tall redhead that bought her the Rabbit Fur coat...what a douchebag! Give a woman with 3 young girls a Rabbit Fur Coat? It's was 1986, not 1976, they were not going to the Disco, they were picking up Happy Meals at the McDonald's.

My mom was in the church singles scene, one of the singles "support" groups was called "Broken Rainbow" the kids could go too. We could talk about divorce and why it's bad and how we can move on and make a hat or some other stupid ineffective shit and then we got to go home with our mom, who struggled, was tired, and wanted to feel love. Around this time is when she met "The StepFather". (I will have to get back to this later...something blogworthy just occurred and I need a moment to process) To be continued Sundayish!

The Business of Knowing and The Power of Doing

The title felt I went with it. Truth is after last nights Bariatric Surgery Seminar, I know about the same as I knew going in and I feel not as powerful as before. The decision seems harder today. I thought I decided that I was going to go with a Gastric Laproscopy Band, but the surgeon seems "gung ho" Gastric Bypass. This is all very complicated to laymen...I understand, so I am posting links to both at the bottom so that you too, may be as educated as I. The surgery center is supposed to call me today to discuss the we will see.

Decisions have to be made.

So, since this is just really an update of what happened last night, which is nothing really. I wanted to take some time to discuss the title of my blog "Life Inside the Blubber Sarcophagus" .
For those of you who do not know...a sarcophagus is defined by as :

1. a stone coffin, esp. one bearing sculpture, inscriptions, etc., often displayed as a monument.
2. Greek Antiquity. a kind of stone thought to consume the flesh of corpses, used for coffins.

Since doctors like to throw around the term morbidly obese when it comes to my "outer shell" I figured that sarcophagus is fitting. After all, people think that I am hard and I have no feelings and I can't hear what they are saying about me and I truly will be consumed by it. I also feel that it is a monument to everything I haven't done in my life. It has been sculpted over the years and bears the inscriptions of the hurt and pain that I have endured and it stands out to say "this is my accomplishment" I thought nothing more of myself than to let this happen.

That's bullshit.

Not really.

It has held me has made me less confident, less trusting. It has held me back. It is me. I have held me back.

In considering this major surgery and major change in my life, I have thought a lot about what I want to be different. I want to be more driven and I believe that starts here. I want to be accomplished, but that is an action, not a passive arrangement. I want to continue to see the world the way that I do now. Where I know how it feels to be mistreated over something that does not affect the person doing the mistreating. I want to continue to be guarded when appropriate. I want to analyze...everything, but your intentions. I want to continue to be funny and enjoy laughter. I want to be capable of giving and receiving love because it flows from me and to me, not because I am begging for it or someone is sympathetic towards me. I want to be less angry.

I have held ME back.

The goal is to be more active.

(This is in no way an endorsement for Heart of America Bariatrics, simply put, these are just links that you can use to gather more information on the proedures available.)

Monday, July 27, 2009

Imperfection is the New Black!

Finally...I am fashion forward!

Everyone is screwed up in their own way, I just feel screwed up in every way. The goal is to be more active. I fell asleep at 7pm. Dead asleep, on the couch. Snoring, drooling, the whole bit. I woke up disoriented with a mouth full of cotton. Goal unattainable? Of course not. I guess my husband thinks that I just don't want it bad enough. I am just kidding though...he did not say that, I am just thinking for him again. I have got to quit doing that.

Today was a good food day, for the most part. This morning the girls and I had 1 blueberry waffle and shared a lovely golden delicious apple. Fruity perfection. My lunch consisted of half a tuna salad sandwich, Sugar Free Chocolate Pudding and celery sticks. Not smoking has been hard, but I have been able to combat it a bit by chewing gum, eating carrot sticks, and popping grapes like Vicodin (you know to take the edge

Back at work, so the activity level was low. Not taking breaks because obviously breaks = smoking in my world. MMMMM...lady cigarette, you are quite the temptress. I wonder if I can include the shakes and uncontrollable sweating as being more active...if so GOAL ACHIEVED.

I felt bad for my co-worker and friend Debbie...she came back from her vacay and was completely stressed with copious amounts of unexpected work on top of current work, no one that we normally smoke with in the office was there...or if they were, they weren't smoking. I tried to listen to her, I really did, but alas...I was a bad friend to her (sorry Deb) All I could think about was one point it seemed that people were turning into cigarettes in front of my eyes, you know like when cartoon characters stranded on desert islands turn into turkeys. I will try to do better, please understand that it is not you, it's me. Does methadone work as a nicotine replacement?

I realize that this blog is about weight loss, so I will try to get back on track. I did pretty good today, food wise, but dinner was bad. My sister cooked and made Hamburger Over a Cloud, (which is ground beef in gravy over mashed potatoes) and Brussel Sprouts. I should have had tuna. I did not.

Jim's surgery is tomorrow to remove his gall bladder, so we spent some time outside with the kids this evening. We had a water balloon fight. It was fun and we could tell that Autumn, my oldest, was having a blast for sure. She hit me so hard in the head with one that it actually knocked my headband off (and I was starting to think that was an actual part of my body). I guess that was something. It wasn't quite the physical activity that is going to get me down under 200 lbs, but it was a start.

Today's weight 291.0 (see, I told you that I would stick with the 294)
The goal is to be more active.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Road to Redemption (pt 2)

I believe I said the goal was to be more active. I did not reach that goal today. I got up made breaksfast for the fam, played computer games, took a nap. Woke up around 2, drove to Subway to EAT FRESH, then came home watched a movie that I could not stand, now I am sitting at the computer again trying to convince myself to go to the store so that I can bring my lunch to work tomorrow and eat healthy or keep doing the same old thing.

Re-reading my post from yesterday I just wanted to make it clear that I am not a lazy person. (Today I was) I am just always too busy doing so many things for others that I have no time for myself. This has been a problem with me for a long time. I put way more time into other people than I put into myself. I put way more time into other people than other people put into me. I guess at this point they will all really miss everything I do/did for them when I am dead. Truthfully, I know that the people I WASTE my time on, will just look for someone else to do it for them when/if I am gone. Taking care of my kids is NEVER a waste of my time. They are my whole reason for getting up and doing what I do everyday. They are amazing and they love me. They do not judge me. They do not understand "fat" as a bad thing. I am just their mom. Theirs are the only true relationships that I have, where there is no bias, just love!!! My fear is that will change one day. One day, people will not just be making fun of me, they will be making fun of me through my kids. Outside people will taint my relationship with my kids becasue people are cruel.

I think about my kids warning their friends before they meet me. Saying "My mom is a big woman" like a forewarning and a joke at the same time. My kids might even laugh with their friends about me and so ends the true part of the relationship for me. I know that all kids end their "true" relationship with their parents at some point only to regain it later, but to think that it would be about my weight KILLS me.

Before I close this today, I just want to let all my family and friends who are following this know that I will say a lot of things here. I am not blaming or calling out, we all make mistakes and I take responsibility for who I am and how I am. You read this at your own risk, I do not want anything I say here to be held as a point of contention with you. I do not want this to cause a problem in any relationship. If you can not handle that, please don't follow my journey. I am willing to have a hard conversation with whomever needs to have it. This is one place where your judgement is not allowed.

The goal is to be more active.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Road to Redemption

281, that's what the scale said this morning. How does that happen? Probably stress and water retention, but oh well I am sticking with the 294, why be disappointed on the backswing, right? Yesterday I was pretty angry. I don’t think I am less angry today, but I feel like I need to introduce you to my “road to ruin” before you can walk side by side on my “road to redemption”. So, I will be addressing my regular blogs as the Road to Ruin and the Road to Redemption.
My travels to 294 have not been an easy road and the path was not all that straight. What you will come to know about me is that I analyze everything. I analyze you, I analyze situations, and most importantly and strictly of all I analyze myself and my role in everything, even if I do not have a role.
It’s not that I think that I am all that important, I just feel like I have a way of screwing everything up for everyone and screwing things up the worst for myself.
Today has been an overall good day. It was just me, my husband, and my two year old today. My four year old is spending the weekend with her Nana and my sister who lives with me is also there. Just kind of a relaxing day. The baby and I went to the store yesterday to stock up on fruity snacks, so that I could resist temptation of snacking on unhealthy foods.
Everything is just better when everyone cooperates and today was the best. I made turkey chili for dinner with lots of tomatoes and three kinds of beans.
I didn’t do anything though. That I believe is the crux of the true problem. I am terminally inactive. To be honest, it’s not really all that comfortable to move. When you are big and you try to exercise you sweat in places that you could never imagine. To make things worse, I HATE to walk. I am just being honest here. I don’t mind riding the exercise bike or being on an elliptical machine, but I hate the stupid put one foot in front of the other for exercise purposes. It’s ridiculous. What are you supposed to do while you walk? Look at a bird? This has been a really bad excuse of mine for a while. Truthfully, I just don’t want people looking at me. The thought of my neighbor keeping track of my laps of the block as I make them angers me. That sounds ridiculous, but people do that stuff. People count your laps, guess how much you weigh (badly)even though there is no prize involved.
You can ask anyone and I will provide you with a list of names if need be…I do not eat an unreasonable amount of food. People tell me that all the time. I am fat, not because I eat a lot, but because I make poor dietary choices and I don’t do anything.
Anyway, back to ignorant people and their ignorant ways...I was in a restaurant with a friend once, I had the fish platter with cottage cheese and a side salad. I will never forget that order, because as I was getting up from the table to pay for it, some two tooth hoosier with a trucker cap and a greasy salt and pepper beard told his son (who was sitting in front of a triple burger with fries and chili) that he better hurry up and start eating because I was headed his way and it looked like I was still hungry. I was hungry after that, I was so pissed off that I could have taken a bite out of that ignorant uneducated UGLY man.
The goal is to be more active.
(To be continued)

Road to Ruin (pt1)

As a child I was a small thing. Barely existed, well it feels like barely existed, but the truth is that it was probably the only time in my life that I was normal. When I was about 8 my parents divorced which was devastating to me emotionally, physically, and mentally. My mom was devastated because my dad would never allow her to have a job and now she was responsible for everyone and everything on her own. My dad was not really around a lot especially when I was younger, so we survived everyday with determination of my mother and the assistance of my grandparents. I felt overly responsible for everything and a lot of responsibility thrust upon me, but this is not my therapy session, it’s about how I gained all this weight. The truth is…no one was paying attention. My mom was worried about money and survival. My grandparents were worried about us, our survival, the added stress of two families living together, and their own careers and existence. In the midst of all this worry, no one noticed that I would go from plate to plate after dinner finishing off what everyone else left behind.
Food was punishment and reward growing up. The adults would wait for the kids to go to bed and then they would eat popcorn. That always pissed me off. I like popcorn too, this has actually lead to many heated discussions so I will not go any further with it. Holidays were all about excess. Not in the amount of food, but in the selection. There were 10 different kinds of cookies, every pie you could imagine and it was a special occasion so you could pretty much try everything, but again no one was paying attention. Before anyone paid attention I was 10 years old and 150 lbs.
By then it was too late! My mom tried to switch everything to sugar free, raw sugar, and veggies, but WE WERE NOT HAVING IT. We were pissed. We didn’t know that we were eating in a way that was unhealthy, but now it had gone too far and we had to change. It wasn’t our fault we didn’t know. I think they gave up, we were really strong willed. Due to my mom’s single parent status, with trying to work and go to school, we didn’t do anything but lay around, so no surprise that My 5th grade self weighed 150 lbs.
(to be continued)

Friday, July 24, 2009

Day of Reckoning

I have been fat practically all my life. I guess there were times that I was chunky or "thick", but to be completely honest I have been fat more than I haven't. Today is July 24, 2009 and I weigh 294 lbs. I want to scream writing that!!! How does this happen? It's not overnight I can tell you that.
People always say that dieting is not easy and that people are always looking for the quick fix, they think they should wake up in the morning and the nightmare that is their fat ass disappears. Just like you can not lose weight overnight, you can not gain weight overnight. You may not believe me, but I have always known that I was fat, but 294 kind of snuck up on me. I should probably also mention that I am only 5'1" tall. So I am literally like a beach ball and some days it feels like it.
I am 34 years old, married for 10 years, and I have 2 beautiful daughters who are 4 and 2. My husband has always been supportive, I guess. I say I guess because he has never really addressed my increasing weight over the last 10 years. I say I guess because he threw me for a loop this morning.
I have diabetes, type II adult onset, because I have a fat ass diabetes. I did it to myself. There is no sympathy required. My fault. My bad. I have always been able to say that I am diet controlled, but in reality, I never controlled my diet and I never went to the Dr. so I wore my "diet controlled" status like a badge of honor. (one I bestowed on myself).
Lately, I have been super tired and super sick. I have been getting every cold, every sniffle, every virus, every why can't I get myself out of bed? The answer...non diet controlled diabetes. Uncontrolled diabetes. Fasting bloodsugars over 150. I am shocked that I finally have to say it out loud. Rounds of blood work ensue and I become "Medicated Diabetic".
My struggles with weight loss are not unlike those that you have heard before, but I will relay them anyway... Gain weight, lose weight, gain weight, get gym membership, lose weight, sister loses car and needs ride to work, no time to go to gym, lose gym membership, gain weight, go to dr., get put on meds to help lose weight, fight with husband, flush pills that cause me to be irritable down the toilet, gain weight...pretend I am not fat, look in the mirror...write blog about being a fat ass.
I spent a lot of the end of last year considering lap band surgery...called the numbers, got the info, supposed to set up time to go to seminar, never went. Looked at papers sitting in my cluttered house, put them back on top of pile, put more stuff on top of them...they are filled out by the way, they just need a stamp.
On my way today to have more blood work done to complete my "medicated" status, I call my husband to fill him in and he asks me delicately about the lap band "thingy" I was going to do. I start filling him in on all the steps and about it being a commitment and I have to know and trust that I am going to commit to it. He tells me flat out to quit making excuses and make a hard decision. I just say ok.
I hang up the phone and I cry. I make the hard decisions everyday and don't get credit for them. I make the hard decision to get my fat ass out of bed and go out into a world where people look at me and judge me for being fat. I make the hard decision to go to a job EVERYDAY where my boss refers to me in private as "Big Momma". I am a full-time employee, a full-time wife and mother, and a full time human being. I make hard decisions everyday. It is always easier to do something else. I push myself and prod myself to enter the cruel ass world where people wonder what my husband sees in me or even worse feel sorry for him.
I cried so hard after that phone call. Then I called my friend Amy and cried to her. Then I hung up and cried. Then I cried and wrote a blog about being a fat ass. Then I called a bariatric surgery office and made an appt. for a seminar that I am dragging my husband along for (serves him right)
I am usually a lot more funny than this, so ends day 1.