Friday, December 30, 2011

Where The Heck Is Ruby Gettinger?

I have been asking myself that a lot lately.  I guess her Style Network show was cancelled or something.  Its not like we are friends or anything, but she used to be all over Twitter and Facebook spouting quotes from Helen Keller, Chinese Proverbs, and what not.  Now...she's just gone.  Makes me she suffering a relapse like I have? 

It is like the "Camaraderie of Fat".  I feel the same way when we lose a blogger.  I could just as easily call this post "Where The Heck Is Booty By Cupcakes?" and I would just as easily really want to know.  Ya'll know I'm not perfect, but I die a little inside any time one of my blogging buddies disappears.  Are they off plan?  Are they giving up?  If they I doomed to fail? 

I know I am responsible for me, but I can't help a little human random thought.  (and I am truly sorry if I have caused anyone to die a little

It is almost New Year's Eve and the resolutions are kickin'.  Weightloss Blogland is a bustling metropolis again.  New bloggity's are popping up everyday as we get closer to the New Year.  I can't wait to meet new friends and learn new things about myself vicariously through them.  I can't wait to continue to support my fellow bloggers and loyal readers.  I happily await their support of me.  Sometimes its all that gets me through.

I would be remiss not to mention the return of the curmudgeonly gentleman weight loss blogger that everyone loves to hate.  He seems to have possibly taken on a kinder, gentler, way of blogging which I applaud.  Whatever your take on what needs to be done to get you to a better space, then take it.  I learn from all different points of view and I can definitely appreciate them.

There will be no resolutions surrounding weight loss for me this year. I refuse to set up parameters that will only make me feel worse about myself if I fail to meet them.  That doesn't mean that I am not setting goals...I am.  I am participating in a Lose Big 2012 competition with close family and friends.  I am concurrently following 5k in 100 days with Brad Gansberg. 

While all of this stuff starts at the beginning of the year, it is coincidental for me.  I have been doing this for over 2 years now...something has got to give.

I have decided to surround myself with positive.  The negative finds its way in...there is no need for me to invite it in.  I need to start living my life like I say I would if the fat was not an issue.  God first, Family second (stopping to remember that I AM part of my family), and everything else third.

My messed up priorities are a thing of the past.  I keep saying over and over about how I need a job, but when I had a job I was saying if I had all the time that they have on the Biggest Loser Ranch I would lose weight and HELLO, CHRISTIE!  You've been laid off for over 8 months.  Total waste of time, no more.  If I can get up in the morning for a job, then why not for me?

"Knowing is not enough.  You must take action." ~Tony Robbins

Take ACTION with me.

Today's Spark: ME...that should be enough.

Point of Discussion: I never thought Jennifer Hudson was fat (granted she looks stupendous) I off my rocker?  Talk amongst yourselves.  :)

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Holiday Recap

Like, Fa la la la la, man.
It was a fantabulous holiday!  It was different, but great.  I have talked many times about my expectations always being light years away from the reality of the holiday, but this year, I kept it real and ended up being blown away.

My dad, step mom, niece, and nephew came into town and we were lucky enough to get to spend it with my dad's brother, my Uncle Tom. I don't remember a Christmas spent with my dad since before the age of 8 and I don't know if I have ever spent a Christmas with my Uncle.  

Things were also awkward...the thing with my sister, which appears to have since been resolved, added an additional strain.

My dad had to add in his little rub about me not continuing to write this blog.  He suggested that if I have something to say to someone I should just say it.  I really don't feel likeI do that here.  I am sure that he has never read it, but I learned long ago that even if I had something to say to him, he wouldn't hear it anyway...not that he wouldn't listen...he would.

Things happen...they affect...they are truth.  I don't feel like I stew, I acknowledge.

In the end you have to move on.

As a Christian, I know Christmas to be more than gifts and family get togethers; its a true holy day for us.  Its a time to recognize the gift of Jesus Christ and to remember that he would give his life as a greater gift.

We give gifts in recognition and as a symbol of the gift we were given and this gifts were off the chain...

My husband gave me a brand new notebook computer for school, editing photos, and well writing to all you lovelies.  This was done with the intent of overtaking my old laptop for himself.  Oddly enough...I gave him a netbook that I purchased with severance $$ back in August thinking that he would be able to use it on the road for his business.  Normally, he would never do anything this extravagant so color me surprised. (now what to do with too many computers?)

However, despite my excitement over internet speeds of lightening, he was somehow hurt that I did not shed a tear over his gift, but instead I actually cried when I opened.....wait for very own photo studio from my dad and step mom.

I want to reiterate that material things are not a priority here, but this was major for me.  This was like the thing that I needed that told me...hey, we think you are good at something that you think you are good at too.  This was saying, we not only give you moral support in your photographic endeavors, but we are willing to support it financially (to a point).

That is what brought the tear to my eye.

We were blessed enough this year to realize that we had been accumulating "points" with our bank for years.  Despite our financial situation, we were able to cash them in to purchase gifts for all the kids in our family, so the kids all had a good holiday as well.

I am fighting sleep.  I am worn out. 

My day started by visiting the doc with my oldest for what I was confident was the onset of "pink eye", only to find out that I paid a $70 office visit (no insurance still) to learn in the office that my daughter hit herself in the eye with a Fushigi ball.

It was super hard to get moving this morning as I am still suffering the results of Jillian Michael's 6 pack in 6 week Abs workout.  Everything hurts (including my pinky) except my abs.  Its very difficult to walk.

The bed is calling my name and it is very persuasive.

Until next time, my friends and loyal observers.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

10, 9, 8, 7....

Ready, Set, Go!
Ready, Set?


Why don't we just...Go?  Why is there always so much pomp and circumstance surrounding the fact that we are going to do something?  I am guilty of it as much as the next person.  Maybe even MORE guilty of it.

"I need to eat healthy.  I am going to do it next week. 2 more days, for real.  It's almost Monday"  The worst part is that when I do this its for my benefit only...everyone else is in the over/under pool on when I fall off the wagon. (Truth be told...I sometimes bet in that pool...sickening isn't it)

All this propulsion talk from me lately has really got me thinking.  Am I really a big enough idiot to miss this before? 

My sister recently threw a barb at me that went something like "Christie is too busy trying to control everything and everyone because she can't control herself".  There is some truth to that.

Since I was a kid, everything has been spiraling out of control, that I have spent a gooood portion of my life dealing with things as they come flying at me.  Kind of like if living your life was the same as being in one of those tornado machines where you have 5 minutes to collect all the money you can.  The only difference, of course, is that if I walked out of those machines I'd have two D cups full of cash.

 There is no rewarding feeling that comes from putting out fires, if the minute it's out, you hear the sirens calling you to another.

I had a really good friend tell me just last night that I was "waaay stronger than I know", but sometimes  I think that people mistake resilience for strength.  Resilience only means I can come doesn't mean that things don't nick, crack, or break me.  It doesn't mean that I can weather the storm, it just means that I am stupid enough to come back and face it again. 

Face it all again to fail again.

Face it all again to fail again?

Walter Elliot said  "Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races once after another."

That is what I have always missed before.  I have always unconsciously been looking for that one grand gesture that was going to wipe out all the bad and start everything anew.

Guess what folks?

It isn't coming.

Don't overlook your spark waiting for an explosion. 

It only takes one spark to ignite your kindling.  Your kindling is your goal.  It's up to you to fan the flames.  If you don't fan the will go out.

Don't worry.  You can always get another spark.

Today's spark:  My daughter Erica held up her first finger at me today and said "Mom?  Is this my middle finger?"  To which I replied, "No, it's your first's called your 'pointer'."  "No,'s called my picker."  o_o   See...there is still too much to be done.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Fake It Til You Make It

If you are friends with me on Facebook or you follow me on Twitter, you might have read that my hubby and I took a "daytrip" to Davenport, IA on Saturday.  The purpose of the trip was to pick up sewer equipment that he bought off eBay.  We shipped one kid off with Nana and the other off with Gigi and set out on the 6 hour journey to Davenport. 

Alone at Last!

Its been a long time.  When you are a couple with kids...sometimes you can't even say 'Good Morning' without being interrupted, so to have a chance to just be together, even if it is just being stuck in a car together for 12 hours.

My hubby has a one track mind.  When he was younger...I am sure that it was pointed in another direction, but these days...Its the sewer business.  He lives and breathes it and rightly so.  After losing his job two years ago, he sunk every penny we had into it, so there's a lot of pressure on him to make it work.  There are a lot of long hours and he sacrifices time with us to support us.  It's a double edged sword. 

Eff the sewer business and get a damn job! 

Sometimes I feel that way.  While he is out doing that...I am doing everything else...   Alone. 

Then I look at all he has accomplished in two years.  I see where it is heading and I take a step back.  I just hate that he can think, talk, or dream about nothing other than the sewer business.  I tell him that all the time, but even a conversation about my needs seem to always lead back to the sewer business.  Hrmpf!

I bring this up only because of my broken heart. 

It officially broke when I saw my husband of 13 years smile for the first time in over a year.'s true...over a year.  The corners of his lips took an upswing when he realized he won a 1700 gallon tank in an online auction.

"It wasn't personal", he said.  He said I was exaggerating. 

There it was.  It wouldn't go away.  He could tell it hurt my feelings.  He "felt bad", but that damn smile was like a dagger through my heart. 

I had to let it go or it was going to drive me crazy.

All night and into the next day, as I was "letting it go", he just kept smiling at me.
 "Why are you smiling now?", I SNAPPED. ( I am not kidding...I went into MACH 5 neck roll)
He replied. "You say I never smile, so I am smiling."
"So you're smiling just for the hell of it?"
"No...I am smiling so you can see it."


When I saw his smile from that point kind of made me giggle. 

It wasn't because of anything...It was for me.  An effort.  Before I realized it...I was smiling.  Smiling, smiling, smiling, on our whole trip....smiles.  For the last four days...smiling.  (Chuckling in fact as I write this) He's still smiling too!  He told me on our trip that he loves me, but he had forgotten how much he liked me.  That may sound cruel and would have normally crushed my heart and sent me running into the arms of Little Debbie, but it didn't...because it means that he now remembers.

I am telling you this story because my life is still the same.  I have hundreds of little fires that are still burning.  I am still 150 lbs overweight.  Nothing is different, yet everything is...I feel happier.  I feel inspired.  I feel like moving past difficult crap.  I feel like living.

I owe it all to a fake smile, that isn't so fake anymore!

Today's spark:  Remembering that I like me too.

Monday, December 19, 2011


Forgive me, have already had to hear me drone on about this...  :)

So there I was....minding my own business, (I know some of you don't believe it, but it's true) when my thoughts meandered to Space.  Yes...the FINAL FRONTIER.  (actually I have this whole theory about it being the ONLY FRONTIER, but I digress)  I was thinking about the vast expanse.

Stuff just floating around out there. 

I have always heard that when something is put into motion in space, it continues on the same trajectory from where it began.  Never deviating from course, except for those cases when it might hit something else drifting along.  I have heard this often referred to as "space junk"  It's just a bunch of material discarded when we were done with it...just gliding around until it's demolished by a passing meteor, picked up by the tail of a comet, or enters the atmosphere of a nearby planet and disintegrates in a fiery explosive ball (may not be scientifically accurate).

Day after day...just cruising blindly along the Milky Way, vacationing on Orion's belt, or freewheeling past Cassiopeia. (not necessarily in that order)

When we travel in's with a purpose.  We want to get to the moon...we go to the moon.  How do we achieve such a feat and avoid lunching near Andromeda with all the other misplaced and/or discarded items?

Propulsion.   A means of propelling; propelling force, impulse, etc.

Being a life study pupil of language, I was embarrassed to find that my definition was off.  Propulsion is not the act of moving forward as I had previously thought, but is the spark that ignites you.  Its the driving force that gets you moving.

In space, not unlike dieting (or exercising, healthy living, or insert -ing here), in order to get to where you want, you need more than that initial spark.  You need to keep inciting yourself to stay on course.  This is the only way that you will reach the Moon, or Mars, or Leo Minor.

Tired of feeling like space junk?  I am .

Today's spark:  My unwillingness to let anyone else defeat me, let alone myself.

What's your spark?

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Regret Is A Dish Best Served Low-Cal

"Laziness is a secret ingredient that goes into failure. But It's only kept a secret from the person who fails."

-Robert Half

Thank you, Mr. Half. 

I remember the days when I was still working and trying to lose weight. was soo hard.  Trying to work, take care of my girls, find time to work out, finding time to be with my hubby.  Finding time for just me. 

When I started seeing a trainer in September of 2010, I had an epiphany that I made too many excuses.  There is a way to fit getting fit into my life.  Once I stopped spending time creating excuses, I found an opportunity.  So what happened, how did I get back here, and how do I find my way to success?

In all honesty...I didn't stick with my trainer because I got too personal with her and instead of giving me hope when I came in...she looked at me with pity.  About two weeks into starting my training, I found out that my husband had a problem abusing prescription drugs.  I was completely unaware of it, there were no clues, no signs, hit me from out of left field.  I told him to leave.

Training became harder.  I was emotional.  I was betrayed.  I was alone and unsupported.  I had friends who supported me, but some of them were duplicitous and just hurt me more in a time when I needed them the most.  I wanted to fight not only to save my marriage from addiction, but to fight for this thing I had discovered I needed. 

If a trainer is good...they can tell when you're off.  If you're off...they need to call you on it and push you passed it...after all, training is about preparing yourself to overcome obstacles.  In all fairness...trainers are not psychologists.  She asked...I divulged...she pitied me...she pitied me in what she said, she pitied me with her eyes...I could not go back.  I was no longer motivated by her.

I fell into a deep hole.

My husband received treatment, but I had to do this on my own.  I had the drive for a while.  I worked really hard on eating right, kept motivated by my friend,  Laura, who made it a challenge for me by doing what we could to support each other in eating right, working out, and even helped my by challenging me to get more steps in than her everyday.  Plus, I was still training to do the Komen, a goal which I only partially reached because I did not run it. 

Before the Komen, I lost my job of nearly eight years.  I lost the day to day support of friends.  I lost the challenge of keeping up with Laura.  I lost my identity.  The little bit of identity that I had, anyway.  Working was the only thing I was good at.  The only place where I felt dependable.  People could depend on me for a laugh, for honest conversation, and for support.  I am the Queen Mum of supporting other people. 

At home, it was just me and my family.  Hubby freaking out about my job, pressuring me to find another one.  Being a stay at home mom for the first time ever,  I should have felt like the world was my oyster, but I didn't.  I felt alone.  I still feel alone.  I felt worthless.  I still feel worthless.

By the time the Biggest Loser auditions came around, I convinced myself, as unhealthy as that might have been that it was divine intervention.  This was my opportunity to have by myself to focus on myself, to fix myself.  When would I EVER have an opportunity like this?

That came and went and there is still no opportunity. There is still only me...same as I ever was.

No job, no life, back to place holding.

I am working on going back to school, so that's SOME progress...I just need to get out of the funk, ignore the self pity and just move.  Restricting my food intake will only go so far.

I have all the time in the world right now...knowing what I know, why am I wasting it?

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Dissecting Cinderelly

As kids, Disney had us by the cajones.  True love will come with but a whisper and a glance, you will suffer trials and tribulations up to the point that you meet someone then everything will be "Happily Ever After", and finally it's a joy to be surrounded by little people. (A model that obviously works for The Learning Channel {TLC})

What does that have to do with the price of rice and beans in Tijuana?  I was just having breakfast this morning and while entrenched in random thought surrounded by everything Disney princess (two girly girls will do that to you) I started wondering if they were good role models for my daughters.  Cinderella allowed herself to be prisoner and slave to her evil step family and eventually it took a rich man (who was kind of a dullard) to save her from all of it.  Why couldn't she save herself?  Walk away and work hard for herself to achieve security and make her own dreams come true, instead of serving at the hands of abusers.  Had she succumbed to the plight of the downtrodden?  Does Cinderella have self esteem issues?  She's a dichotomy, sticking around to be mistreated, yet confident enough to at least consider leaving the house in a dress made by rodents and sparrows.

Crazy, I thought.  How much time can one woman truly spend analyzing and dissecting Cinderella?

If that woman is me?  Plenty. 

Should've been on the treadmill...

Better yet...maybe I should spend this kind of time on myself in general.?

Breakfast: Black Cherry Oikos 130 calories
                Ham and Cheese on whole grain toast 263 calories
               Total: 393 Calories

Friday, December 9, 2011

Best Laid Plans

I have already lost 4.8 lbs this week.  This proves the importance of water once again.  While I have been making better choices this week, I have had little if no increase in activity, so this only goes to show that people are not wrong when they say SODA IS BAD!  Remember when I once said "SAY NODA SODA"?  It's a for real thing...bad, Bad, BAD!  If replacing the minimal amount of soda (1 can of diet per day for 4 days) with water can make a nearly 5lb difference, then why ever drink it? 

I am a tea lover anyway, so it's really not that big of a deal.  It's not like it's leaving a void or anything.

Guess what else?  Yours truly applied to community college today!  Surprise, Surprise!  I am just so at a loss about why I haven't even gotten a phone call with regards to a job.  My resume has been revamped several times, so what gives?  I figure the only possible explanation at this point is that the job market is sooo bad that I must have a degree to get anything. Another issue, of course, is that I received a letter from the Division of Employment Security that advised me that they are doing a phase out of the Federal Unemployment Extensions and as a result, I will not receive anymore unemployment payments after my tier runs out.  I would RATHER have a JOB any day so that I can support my family, but after 22 years of working without a gap in employment...thanks for nothing.  Anyway...I am hoping to eventually pursue a degree in Clinical or Forensic Psychology.  I am so psychologically screwed up that I might as well go a little "Physician heal thyself"!

Questions were asked about my family situation namely with my sister, so I am going to address them. (Part of the No Comment Left Behind Act of 2011)

First of sister is NOT the person who was trying to censor me.  It was actually someone who felt that I was painting them in a poor light.  I STILL and VEHEMENTLY disagree, but I do not wish to estrange anymore family so I will not mention them by name.  The truth of it is that I wanted this blog to be about honesty.  Me, on my terms, truthful with I got here, how I deal with it, and what things draw me back into unhealthy living.  Sometimes those things and feelings that draw me in are activated by actions of other people.  I am not saying that it is their fault that I  make poor choices or that I blame them for the choices I made.  I am just acknowledging that sometimes someone else's actions can cramp your style and trigger an unhealthy emotional response.  Said person was unhappy with my acknowledgement of behavior and became angry and told me to never mention them again, to which I replied...if you are unhappy with how you are painted with the brush of truth, perhaps you should think about your actions.  I never thought in a million years that anything I said here would hurt anyone's feelings or cause a problem in relationships, but what do I know?  I am going to say what I want and if you have an issue...take my bloggity addy out of your address bar...right?

My sister is another issue altogether.  I am not going to put HER business out there, but she is mad at me over my decision to stop keeping my mouth shut about injustices that I witness.  It came to verbal blows where very hurtful things were said on both sides, she decided that she wants me out of her life.  To be clear, it was her decision, I am open and willing to move past it, but I will never be what she wants me to be and that is SILENT.   One day...or not...her call.  She's my sister.  I love her and ONLY want the best for her.

In case you were wondering...I have not given up my goal of going to Fat Camp.  As a matter of fact, I am pursuing this dream by entering a contest being held by Biggest Loser Resort at Fitness Ridge.  If you are interested in entering "LIKE" them on Facebook and follow the link on the left for information on how to enter, rules, and regulations.  I am not affiliated in anyway with Biggest Loser Resort at Fitness Ridge or Facebook...although I 'd be more than happy to be affiliated with them for a sizable paycheck. ;P

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Soul Searching

SO...I guess I'm back. 

I tried to go somewhere else and work on other formats and be something else, but in reality this space is me.  This is who I am.

My sister has disowned me...she'll either get over it or she won't.  Making peace with that has allowed me to realize that I am not going to censor myself for anyone.  Family or not.

I have not only gained back all of my weight.  There is nothing left to say about that.  I have been depressed over everything and I had again decided (introspectively anyway) that I was worthless. 

Quitting before I can fail, so that I don't have to feel like a failure has backfired and I have failed by default.

I was giving my sister in law a pep talk the other day when for the first time EVER, someone stopped me and called me on my crap.  Not that what I was saying was crap, but that I am more than happy to help everyone improve themselves and somehow I feel like I don't deserve it. 

She was right.

My secret is out.

Truth is, I have a big, close family, but as close as we are...I have always felt like I was floating, out on my own, tethered to no one, responsible for them and myself, but no one supporting me.

I walked myself into a marriage that was just the same. 

Don't get me wrong...hubby started to realize and he has since tried to be more supportive of the things that I want and need, but it's been a slow go.  A struggle, if you will. 

I am not going to cry about the weight gain (even though I am extremely disappointed).  After all, it is just a symptom of a larger problem.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Where I've Gone Wrong

First of's no surprise to any of you that I have done some back-stepping.

Secondly...I need to start from where I am at.

Thirdly...I think I ruined this blog.  Too much whining and complaining.  My whole point in this was always supposed to be to prove that I was more than fat and in all honesty it just started to drag me down.  I am trying to decide whether I want to continue this here or start all over.

Times are tough, but I am tougher.

I love each and everyone that I have met through here and have stepped up to encourage me.  I love the feeling of community that you all have brought to me, the fact of the matter is that I started feeling that I was painting myself as the village idiot.

I'll be honest...people in my personal life pushing me to stop telling my truths here also started weighing on me.  People suggesting that I should lock everything I say away in a personal journal rather than exploit my life.  It made all less freeing for me and I really started to feel censored. 

On the other hand, blogging has been enjoyable.  It kept my feelings on the surface.

 If I decide to move on from here.  I'll let you know and if you want to...I would like you to follow, but I'll understand if you don't. 

Decisions, Decisions!!!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I swear, I am still here.

Just checking in.  I am actually doing really well, but have been planning for a family visit this weekend and my daughter's 7th birthday!  I live so far away from everything it takes all of my free time to shop and plan for these events, so I haven't had time to sit down and write about what's going on. 


Lots of Love,

Friday, September 23, 2011


Remember this post?
Less than a week ago, it retold the story of a group of kids who decided that it was ok to openly make fun of me for being fat.  It tore me up.  I was extremely upset.  It hurt me because it was unexpected, I hadn't done anything or even had interaction with any of these people.  They saw me in a restaurant and zeroed in, they did so without fear.  Isolated incident, I have told myself.  It's not like it happens everyday, right? Not to me anyway, right?  I have to move on and remind myself of who I am and what my journey is, what I intend to have accomplished at the end of my quest.

When I shared that experience with you, I kept thinking about how being overweight puts me in a unique group.  A group of people that generally are acceptable to pick on, make fun of, to openly judge in a questionably humorous fashion.  I was, however, somehow genuinely SHOCKED when I logged into Twitter this morning and saw that #OnlyFatPeople was a trending topic WORLDWIDE. 

The comments ranged from:

#OnlyFatPeople Drink diet sodas with a full course Mc Donalds meal. (ever heard of diabetes?  Thin people get it too and Diet sodas don't have sugar. Also LOTS of thin people do this as well...not just fat people)


#OnlyFatPeople breathe heavy while thinking hard or eating (The guy who left this comment is @TOOfunnyandREAL and had his REAL name listed as Lil Dooky.  Dooky means shit where I come from, go figure.)

Of course some people tried to comment on how disgusting it is to even create the conversation, but of course this has only continues to allow the conversation to trend. 

Stupid to let it have an effect I suppose, but it just feels like NO PLACE is safe. Is this how people become agoraphobic?

Mrs. Mowry Goes Shopping

photo by Mr. Scott

Went on a Field Trip yesterday!  Super exciting. 
I took my first trip to Whole Foods Market! I was so impressed I am almost embarrassed by it.  The produce section was bright and beautiful like something out of Willie Wonka (diabetic version).  I loved it so much...I went back again today.  I would love to sit in the floor and write poetry all day. ( I wish I was kidding.) 

The nearest one to me is 42 miles away.  I know what you are thinking, but the nearest ANYTHING to me is 28 miles away!  It started with a lunch invitation from one of my besties (Mr. Scott), a random Facebook post, and an agreement to show me the Whole Foods ropes.

Being a SuperFAN of Top Chef (and VARIOUS other reality television) The hubster provided strict warning that the little voice in my head telling me "You have 30 minutes to shop and a budget of $200" was only me and that NONE of my money is furnished by Buitoni.  (but your three cheese tortellini is fabu and I would be willing to accept ANY amount of cash for saying so)

I found coconut water (which will keep y'all regular without the use of laxatives...or so I've heard ) and all the coconut milk ice cream I have been unsuccessful in finding here in Hickville.  I have an embarrassing issues with hot tea. I took a picture of 15 different flavors that can be found in my pantry, but Blogger won't accept it.  (Some things should stay secret)  Whole Foods has an entire tea AISLE.  LOVE IT (all sing songy).  I think I am going to pitch a new reality show where I sneak into Whole Foods at night (a la Where The Heart Is ),  live and eat there.  I'll hide a Foreman Grill in there somewhere and block myself from the Bakery and the desserts.  Maybe that is a bad idea...after all I would probably just GAIN weight (which I've heard is counter-productive)

On the info front..I have been steadily increasing my steps, eating healthier...steps in the right direction.

Love Whole Foods too?  What do you love about it?  What is a must try?

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Tuesday, Tuna Salad, and Charlie Sheen

My husband offered me a bet...but we'll get to that.

Last night, I hit up the Subway for dinner.  6 in. Steak and Cheese with peppers and onions.  Thanks to fitbit, I know that I still ended the night with a 1600 calorie deficit.  SWEET!  Steps ended over 5k, but I needed double that. 

My trip to the Farmer's Market yesterday was a smashing success.  Tons of awesome fruits and veggies for about $25!!!    I am most excited about the humongoid mushrooms that I picked up.  I love, love, love mushrooms! Trying to think of all the ways to add this fresh, delicious goodness to our diets on the downlow in some cases. My hubby will eat whatever I put in front of him, but I have the obvious kid issues.  You know, they eat onions, mushrooms, green peppers, etc.  until they see them.  I got my youngest good today.  I made what I am calling Veggie Scramble.  I cubed potatoes and pan cooked them with non-stick cooking spray, while I added onions, green peppers, mushrooms, and tomatoes to my chopper until they were mush.  I beat eggs for scrambling then added the mush and mixed well.  Once the potatoes were soft, I added the mixture and cooked as I would scrambled eggs.  When they started to stiffen, I added a handful of cheddar cheese.  The color was just a little off, but Erica did not notice.  The flavor and texture was fabulous!

Today I am planning on making a tuna salad for dinner.  I will need to sneak in some carrots, celery and maybe some cukes.  This is dangerous territory because in my house, tuna salad is like the holy grail.  It is a fine art.  This is one of the only things that concerns me with my husband.  Messing with Tuna Salad may be a punishable infraction  ;)!

I think I am going to do a Yoga video today.  I need to treadmill, but I am super tired today.  I stayed up waaay to late (like after 1:30 am) watching the trainwreck that is Charlie Sheen.  Well, the Charlie Sheen Roast that is...  WOW.  I saw Mike Tyson on Same Name a few months ago.  You could really see a change in him, I almost felt bad laughing my butt off at the way he clapped like a seal at like EVERY joke.  It was funny, but in a lot of ways it was sad.  Charlie looked old, as he should, I that hardcore.  I know that America loves an underdog, but what happened to a legitimate underdog, not a guy who hurt himself repeatedly supposedly past the point of recovery.  Oddly enough, I feel like The Roast of Charlie Sheen is a masked attempt at making people think that he has done something to recover and the fact that he is being featured is his engineered "comeback".  So...why am I talking about Charlie Sheen?  Because if he can "comback" then losing 100lbs should be a walk in the park. (literally)

Now about the bet...

I stayed up so late last night that my hubby joked that I would never get up this morning.  He said I bet you end up having to drive Autumn to school today.  I, being a champion of little sleep, took the terms of that bet.  The winner receives $100 to do with as they pleased.   No issue.  I set my alarm and snuggled in for abbreviated rest.  I woke up on my own, looked out the window, sun shining and super foggy.  I laid back down and as soon as my head hit the pillow, I shot up with a "son of a".  The time on the clock reinforced his doubts in me as the sound of the school bus passing could be heard as I woke my daughter up.  I can not believe this happened.  I run her off to school, comeback, make breakfast.  Sit down to write this blog and hubby decides that he wants to gloat.  He gloats right up until the point that he admits he shut off my alarm clock and cellphone alarms as I was sleeping. 

Any guesses on where he can find his hundred bucks?  

Monday, September 19, 2011

Good Morning, Monday.

You evil heifer. 

I am unemployed and I STILL can not stand Monday.  Monday is the day that I have to look past my sleeping in till 7 am and I am required to get up and make lunch for my first grader, feed her breakfast, be a timekeeper from the time she gets up , then to the bus.  I do not begrudge her any of those things, I am her mom, it is my job and I want to be there to make her feel secure and know that as long as I am here, I will take care of her.  But...I want to sleep.

Monday is ALSO the day that many of us waited over the years to start, re-start, or begin a new phase in our weight loss journeys.  I am no different.

My activity goal today is to get over 10,000 steps.  Doesn't seem likely at this point.  1pm  and I am at 3433.  It's gonna be a push to get close, so we will see.

For breakfast I tried some Naked Protein Zone Smoothie.  Really Delicious Flavor, but gritty.  I hate protein powders for that reason, so I was hoping that would not be the case, but  OH WELL.  It tastes 100000% better than a powder, so  I will keep drinking it.

It's approx 1:30 and I am at about 1100 calories for the day which seems weird since I have only had the smoothie, pb on sandwich thins, a handful of cheez-its, and a banana.  I have done 30 minutes on the recumbent bike.  I enjoyed watching my new Community DVD's while I was pedaling.  Perhaps looking at Joel McHale will give me cause enough to hit the treadmill or the elliptical later on (perk of being unemployed).

I intend on heading to town tonight to stop by the Farmers market for some fresh fruit and veggies then I will either have steamed veggies or admittedly stop by Subway and pick up a quick sandwich.  We'll have to wait and see.

What are you up to today?

Sunday, September 18, 2011

One Step Forward...

bully [bool-ee]

 a person who hurts, persecutes, or intimidates weaker people

Yeah.  It's gonna be one of those blogs. 

It's raining here in Missouri.  Correction...after that loud boomer, we are definitely in the midst of a Thunderstorm.  With the exception of this year, which has been a crazy weather year for sure.  I have always enjoyed a peaceful rain falling with the occasional rumble of thunder and flash of lightening.  It's a renewal.  A cleansing.

I need a renewal, so it's fitting.

I have been working on a course reversal.  I for some reason have not been able to convince myself to stop the direction I was heading in and get back to where I was when I was successful here.  In fact, I was over 5,000 steps on my fitbit for the first time in a long time yesterday.

Getting there.

I was really excited for yesterday.  It was a jam-packed. 

I met my sis in law early for a event at my nephew Ian's daycare center.  Face-painting, popcorn, give-aways, the kids were in heaven.  Autumn wanted to sign up for a chance to play their version of "Minute To Win It".  Ugh.  Being fat...I try to blend in.  Stay in the background.  Try to go unnoticed.  ESPECIALLY when I am with my kids.  I see the looks, I hear the things that people say about me, I tell myself that I can handle it, but I want to protect my kids from it. Autumn really wants to play.  I see her withdraw more and more in public situations and I see myself in her when it comes to things like that.  It has always been a hindrance to me and I have robbed myself of some great opportunities as a result.  I agree to play.

5 rounds, on a stage, outside, in public.

When it started, the full force hit Autumn.  She tried to back out.  I told her that she could do it and despite my nerves, I walked into it FEARLESS on the outside, CRINGING on the inside.  We accepted every challenge and participated fully (with the help of my S-I-L).  We did not win, but we had a blast!

My kids spent the night with my mom last night.  Being unemployed, It had been so long since I have had a moment without at least one of my kids, I tried to ignore the look she gave me when I jokingly screamed "I'm free" as I drove away.  Did a little party shopping for a couple of birthdays that are coming up and hubby was supposed to plan a date night.

He did not.

I forcibly advised that he was taking  me out, or we were going to the casino.  He jumped out of his chair and was out the door.  We each went with a little pocket cash.  Hubby is an all in kinda guy, which is why, I am an emotional wreck. : )  He is a dream it and do it, worry about the consequences later, balls to the wall guy.  I am more calculate and proceed.  Total opposite. 

I LOVE PENNY SLOTS!  I may never win money, but they are fun and 20.00 can stretch awhile.  Hubster loves roulette!  Not a detail player, he's a red and black kind of man.  Long story short, he somehow walks out of the casino down 275.00 and I walk out with 400.00 in my pocket.  We definitely need to discuss the meaning of pocket cash, but in the end, we walk out ahead.

I have had the best day!  It's after 10 o'clock, I am still out, having a blast with my hubby like old days.  He wants to go to Steak and Shake.  I oblige him.  The place is dead.  We have a nice meal in quiet, reminiscing on old times and talking about the group high school kids that came in after their Homecoming dance. The girls were dressed so beautifully, they guys seemed clean cut. Just reliving memories through them and chuckling at the guy in the white on black reversed suit kid with Justin Bieber hair and aviator sunglasses.  Time came that we had to leave, hubster pays the check, as I hit the restroom before the trip home.

As I am in the stall, there is male laughter outside the bathroom door.  It made me smile, but sad that so much life and youth has slipped away from me.  I miss honest laughter, giggling so hard you can't catch your breath.  As I am washing my hands, one of the boys walks in the women's restroom, I turn, he clearly is intentionally there, but startled that I am not in the stall as he has expected.  He only says "uhhhhh", then a muffled "excuse me" and runs back to his table.  Kids being kids, I ignore it.  I am leaving anyway.  I walk up to Jim.  The kids at the table are getting louder now, their conversation is obviously getting more exciting, I try not to let them grab my attention from my husband who is actually expressing interest in maybe finding something else to do.  We walk out of the restaurant hand in hand, stopped on the sidewalk to finish our conversation and the animation at the table of high school kids can no longer be ignored.  I am outside the restaurant and they are pointing and laughing at me.  They see me glance in their direction, they all start laughing harder, then Bieber puts his hands in front of the glass in an apparent attempt to not be turned to stone by obvious unfortunate looks as the rest of the table laughs and makes OVERLY exaggerated hour glass figure gestures with their hands.  One girl actually spits soda out of her mouth.  Hubster is oblivious. I am embarrassed, ashamed of myself for being.  I tell him that I want to go home. We get in the car, I take one last glance, when my eyes meet with theirs, they all put hands in front of their faces to block my glance, we drive away.

Fat.  The final acceptable bullying frontier.  Some random people stole joy from me last night.  Crushed my spirit and broke my heart.  Maybe it hurt worse this time because I had just spent time, reliving my life through their youth and identifying with them. I wonder now about the intent of the kid who walked into the bathroom.

Now I am just sad.  Sad that people are cruel. Sad that these kids are in for a rude awakening that their parents, school, and extended families have not prepared them for a lifetime of dealing with people who are different from themselves.  Beauty fades.  Real Life Begins.
One step forward, two steps back.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

10 years

I am reposting a link to my last years 9/11 blog because I believe for says all I can say on the subject.  If you are interested click here.  If not, that's ok...I still have a few musings about the day.

I have been on Twitter and Facebook on and off all morning.  I realized in a social media environment something that I have known, but never first hand experienced before today...We are ALL truly connected.  I suppose that many things connect us to each other as we live out our human experience, but I think that the majority of Americans (at least the ones I know personally) take for granted our freedoms and liberties, but the one thing that connects us all to a basic Patriotism is 9/11. 

It's the one thing that was thrown in our face to say hey...You have it, it's fragile, and you may have to fight for it.  I am not saying that was the intent, but it definitely is a message that you can take from it.  Innocent, unsuspecting people lost their lifes that day.  Families were changed forever.  The United States of America was changed forever.

I was changed forever.

I can 't bring myself to watch any of the programming.  I saw enough from September 11, 2001 and in the days after.  I have spent some time reflecting over issues of Newsweek, Time, and the St. Louis Post-Dispatch from the days after the attacks.  It just brings it all right to the surface in a way I have never experienced before. 

September 11, 2001.  Despite the amount of time that has passed and the distance we have traveled from it, still feels like yesterday in so many ways.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

No Scales Were Harmed In The Making Of This Blog

That's probably not entirely true, but none have been harmed in the recent past.

Not avoiding you, I have been without Internet. AT&T has ruined my Internet life for the past few days. I was so aggravated with fixing everything they directed me to screw up, I thought I would NEVER want to look at a computer again.

Here I am though.

No weight loss.  Admittedly any progress was thwarted by a Labor Day four layer dessert and an odd penchant for taking naps this week.  I have felt like I have NEEDED tons of sleep.  Concerned with it a bit, but it may just be the weather, so I am hanging in, hanging out, trying to be cool, and hoping that it will work itself out.

Still no job.

Re-vamped the basement gym.  Bought a clearance elliptical, set it up next to my treadmill with a TV and a new love for Redbox.  There is now, no reason to get a gym membership.  The only things missing now are the drive and the motivation. 

Not much else to say, been hanging out on twitter A LOT lately.  Wanna chat?  @lifeinblubber

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Wipe Away The Tears

 Putting on my big girl panties and sucking it up.  Life's too short!  If I can think of anymore cliche's I'll input them here later...LOL

Truth be told, I am doing better than my last post and THIS is super good news because I full on believe that most of my doldrums seem to be stemming from an interpersonal problem that I am having with a close relative rather than from anything that is wrong with me.

You guys AGAIN, have come through for me and provided AWESOME support that I appreciate, but do not deserve. 

Dawn, if you find yourself 'across the pond' and driving in my neck of the very scary woods, I will invite you in and take that hug. 

So enough about all my emotional's what I am doing.


I don't know for what yet, I don't know when, but I have NOTHING else going on, so I am about to go all Spider Monkey on that treadmill.

I bought a new pair of shoes today.  New Balance.  Finally some shoes that ACTUALLY fit my short, wide, Barney Rubbles.  They feel so different.

Whatever I do...I'll rock at it.  Still got the looks from the sales lady though.  Looking at me like she can't believe that I can run at all.  I hate that she made commission off me.  Makes me wish I had a list of people that I plan to send before and after pics to like a big old    EPH U!!!!!!  

AHAHHAHAHAHAHA...I may have to actually keep a list like makes me feel better.

I am back to using the plastic cups with straws (reusable).  My old trainer told me that if you carry a fun cup with a straw, you are more likely to drink more water and stay hydrated in general.  From my past experiences, I believe this as a rule.  I have also put the banishment on S O D A.  I have always been a take it or leave it kinda gal, but I find since I quit smoking that I am apt to latch onto other things in ways I never had before. 

This is all for tonight.  Tomorrow is a new day.

Monday, August 29, 2011

An Explanation

I have received an outpouring of support from a lot of you who read not just here, but on Facebook, and Twitter.  (I have been Twitter crazy lately, but it's been fun so whateve) You guys are a definite boost to the self -esteem and I have appreciated it more than you will ever know.  Y'all are my peeps and I love ya.

The last few weeks of my journey have been interesting, some may argue different, but definitely not the same as my journey up until this point and while I will confirm again that I am DEFINITELY not crazy.

I appreciate the kind words with regards to my pursuit of televised weight loss victory, but while I have the determination to see this thing through, the one thing it offers that I don't have is perhaps the one thing I will never have in my "real life". 


Some of you are moms and will understand that it is super difficult to work out in the presence of children.
That's why I appreciate bloggers like Chubby McGee and how she has powered through and while I am sure that it is difficult for her, she keeps on going.

Some of you live hectic chaotic lives and will understand it when I say that while I am surviving and I continue to survive, sometimes the drama gets to be too much and you just want to give up and that's when I appreciate bloggers like Ash at Breathing Through Chaos.  Who has A LOT going on in her life, but keeps moving forward with courage and determination.

As things continue to compound in my life.  No job after almost 4 months, my severance and my unemployment running out one in two weeks and the other at the end of September, The realization that after two years of blogging that I am only down a total of 7lbs, because at some point I had to gain nearly 23 MORE pounds in order to lose nearly 30 (which is like a kick in the gut EVERY TIME I think about it). 

I took on the responsibility of my husband's business long before I lost my job.  I did it because it was necessary.  When he lost his job in late 2009 (a week before Christmas) to be exact, he took every penny in our safety fund and bought equipment to run a sewer cleaning business.  He did this a month before we moved into the brand new house that we built where HE wanted to build it (which is WAAAAAY to far away from civilization) and moved into a very expensive house payment (we owned outright before).  My job has supported us ever since, so when it went into the toilet, I accepted my severance and knew that I had a limited time to find a job.  I knew the economy had crapped out, but y'all...I HAD NO IDEA. 

Over 60 applications, two interviews, and one job offer that offered me about 1/3 of what I was making before.  (The other was not interested) A job that paid less than unemployment and would require me to dip into MY retirement fund to supplement the daycare expenses that would be incurred by accepting said job. 

So, here I am no job, life spinning out of control.

I really felt like I needed the sequestering.

I could acceptably walk away from everything, work on me, then slip right back in and handle my challenges one at a time. 

SELFISH?  Sure. Who isn't selfish once and a while?

Crazy?  I don't think so.  I have given up more than half my life to make sure that everyone else is ok, has what they need,and have assisted in making their dreams come true.  In my this short life, this blog is the only thing I have done that is completely for me.

This my friends was more than a journey to the Biggest Loser.  It was an act of desperation, a momentary glimmer of hope, a mirage of what my life could be...of who I could be.

I can still be all those things. 
I can achieve all those things on my own.
It will just take A LOT more time.
Just because there are NO QUICK fixes does not mean that some things can't come easier than others and in my time does not belong to me.

Even as I write this, I am on the phone researching evictions, so that I can self-evict non paying renters with my hubby breathing down my neck about it.

I weighed in this morning at 286.  Heart-crushing, soul-aching, ego-breaking 286. 

I'm tired, my friends.  I'm still here...but I'm tired. soon as I hit publish post...I will get calls from family.  They will call each other and talk about their concern for me.  About how I just seem so down and desperate, but for all their talking...there are still no answers.  Oh they'll have solutions, but it is easy to offer solutions when you don't live someone else's life.  They mean well...but the discussion just makes me hurt more, makes me feel more desperate.  So...if you are thinking about picking up the phone and calling me...please don't and if you are sure that I don't mean are wrong...don't pick up the phone.  Written comments as always ARE WELCOME AND APPRECIATED.

This is just another mountain to climb...I'll get over it.  I always do.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

California Dreamin' (and other musings)

So here we are...a weeks after I got back from Chicago.  I haven't posted this week because it has been a whirlwind. 

After two weekends of barely any sleep on Friday and standing in line for hours on Saturday, the six hour drive home from Chicago took everything I had left.  I slept well into the evening on Sunday. I awoke on Monday with a new sense of purpose: To MOVE ON.

I try really hard to be aware of myself and where my place is in this world, so I am a bit surprised that I kind of let this whole Biggest Loser thing affect me the way it did.  I actually believed that it was meant to be and it wasn't until I was accused of being crazy and my husband put his foot down about LA from a monetary perspective that I had to let any pursuit...aside from the video submission behind me.  I am a little pissed to be honest that I stepped out of my comfort zone to try to obtain something that was important to me and while I had the majority support from friends and family (including huge support from hubby who undertook a huge load for me not to be here for all of this time) someone important to me attacked it. 

I have heard before that when you start to change, the people around you start to feel displaced because you are behaving differently.  Psychologically, they reject it because they have an expectation of your behavior based on what they know of you.  They can lash out and try to sabotage because it makes them question their place in your life. I am trying to chalk this situation up to that because it's hurtful and I am tired of hurting.  It's hurtful mostly because I think that accusing someone of being crazy is the worst thing you can do to a person, it completely invalidates anything they have to say because.....well....they're crazy.

Guaranteed I am in full control of my mental faculties!

A more joyful reason to not have schlepped off to LA is....I became an aunt again this week!  My sister in law (the infamous nephew Nathan's mom) gave birth to her fourth and very big son!  I was present and standing by when 9lb 11oz, Elliot "Eli" Payton was born at 22 in long.  An experience that I will never forget. A connection that I will have with him until the day I die.  He's beautiful and I would show you just how beautiful he is, but Blogger photo up loader is depressingly on the fritz today.

So I have barely been home all week!

I am purchasing batteries for my scale, and I went shopping on Monday for some healthier type foods to get myself streamlined and BACK ON PLAN COMPLETELY.  I don't need the BIGGEST LOSER to do this, I just need to do this.  I am still on plan for raising funds to "Send a Fat Chick to Camp", but I can't wait for that to happen especially since I have only raised $60 to date!  LOL

I have a big week this week.  I am taking a job examination for a government position, so WISH ME LUCK!  PRAY FOR ME!  CROSS YOUR FINGERS!  Whatever makes you comfortable, just send me the would do it for you!!!!

Weigh in tomorrow!  PROMISE!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Once Upon a Time

Meet Christie! Driving to Chicago , so hopeful.  She's convinced herself that losing her job, being fat, and someone sending her an email about the Biggest Loser auditions was a culmination to get to where she needs to be in life. 

This is where it ALL starts over for her.  Normally, she would have never gone to a casting call for anything.  I mean anything.  She would not have left the house to attend a casting call for a show called "Fat Christies with an 'ie' from Dittmer, Missouri".  She would have been concerned that she was not good enough. 
She knows that she is willing to do what needs to be done and work hard to get it, but struggles on her own because nothing worth having EVER comes easy, but when your responsible for a house, kids, freaking out about being unemployed, and you have become the pillar of support for everyone else's hopes and dreams she feels like she's never going to be able to take control of her life, unless she removes herself from it and becomes healthy enough to deal with it head on.

Here she is again, she put herself out there originally, but she was denied.  I mean, it's hard to stand out among 1200 other people and standing in that line with all those other people who need the opportunity as much as she did,  she knew she just needed to try harder.  She is a smiling picture of positivity.  She will try again.  This time it involves her driving 5 hours away, but it's worth it for another shot.  She has been through it before, she knows what to expect, they just overlooked her winning personality, plus the extra effort will prove her determination.

This time she has a message that she wants to convey.  A message that she has been long trying to share with the public through the retelling of her weight loss struggles in her blog.  There IS more to her than fat.  In fact, it's the smallest part of who she is.

So she drives 5 hours to Chicago and for the second time in eight days she is up before 4 in the morning, dressed, and ready to stand in line for hours with the hope and a dream that someone who can actually step in and help her with an opportunity that she truly needs will notice her. 

She always has fun in the line.  For the most part...the people are great.  The people in Chicago were different.  They were fantastic! The could almost make her forget that she was standing in a Chicago alley way that smelled of urine..ALMOST.

After hours of standing in line, she sits at a table with 11 other people who are there for the same reason and commences the interview.  She (along with her sister) are immediately noticed for the positivity on her T-shirt. 

Why are you here today, she is asked. She relays the story about being diabetic and her father being diabetic.  She tells about how he doesn't take care of himself and one time was being hospitalized and begging him to take his medication and her feelings when he refused and told her it made him fat and he would rather be dead than fat.   How small those words made her feel when they left his mouth and how he must feel that her own life wasn't worth living.

In 10 was over again.  Left to wait for a call, she decides to take in the city.  The rain pounding on her windshield rendered her blind and forced her indoors.

She took in a movie.

She waited still.

Her dream hinged on a call, until it is confirmed that they are through and she again did not get one. 

No tears this time.

She has a plan that doesn't involve them anymore.  That is...unless she can convince her husband to let her go to LA this weekend ; )

To be continued...

Friday, August 19, 2011


A Super big BLOG entry...drove to Chi-town today, spent time with family...a full day of line standing tomorrow.

Tonight...we sleep

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Chicago Redux

Can you believe twice in one summer?  I sure can't. 

Can you believe someone said "no" to me and I am like "perhaps you were mistaken".  I sure can't.
Today overall was a good day.
I slept in, had words with my mom, worked towards finishing the video.

Came home, grilled, and then worked on getting my little darling geared up for her first day as a first grader.

She is super nervous.  She told me that she is worried that she will forget her teacher's name and then she won't be able to go to the bathroom if she needs too!!!! AHAHAHAHAHA  that made me laugh hysterically behind my concerned eyes and reassuring words.  Then I told her that she could be shy anywhere she wants to, but she is not allowed to be shy in school.  She has to speak up and stand up for herself.  I got the "I know" as she ran off to play caring less about what I have to say.

Autumn was the only one of my kids old enough to be on my video.  She was super concerned that she was going to hurt my feelings when she looked in the camera and said.  I DO NOT like that my mom is fat, because...well, I'm not trying to be mean, but I just DO NOT like it...LOL!!! ( Me neither sweetie, me neither)

Things are moving along swimmingly with regards to my send a fat chick to camp blog.  The response was OVERWHELMING...I got as many hits there today as I normally get in a week over here, but it's new and fun.  No, but lots of love!  Truth is, it's not about people GIVING me money, it's about working for something I want and I think I need. (but if they want to give it to me...I won't turn it

If you haven't had a chance...check it out!  Bright and Early for the first day pics and bus ride.  Until tomorrow, my friends!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Heart to Heart

Busy day today!

My sister and I worked on our submission video for BL and for all the over thinking and artistic, visually stimulating ideas we went with us being silly and just talking.

Yesterday was emotional and hard for me.  After talking with my grandma and spending a great deal of time really thinking about myself and my relationships with people, I felt really down and trapped.  (I think I used the trapped word yesterday)

I decided that if the BL wouldn't take me voluntarily, I would force myself upon them by paying to go to the resort for as long as it took.  I thought what could a month cost...$5,000.00? UM HECK was $10K.  I about crapped in my full figured briefs.  10 freaking thousand dollars???!!!!  WOW.  Disheartening (and I am saying that in my best pseudo sing songy voice)!

Jim came in the room and I lost it...all the upset for the day...all the upset for a lifetime and you know what? 

He listened to me.  He consoled me.  He resolved himself and promised to support me in whatever I needed.  Even when I told him that I might need to fly to LA if this doesn't work this weekend.  Even when I told him the cost for the Resort if it didn't all work out.

but then he DID tell me that couldn't happen at this point...(I already knew that) **doesn't mean I can't find a way**

I LOVE THAT MAN!  and he proved Dr. Phil right.  He was always willing to treat me the way I really needed to be treated, but he took advantage of what I thought I deserved or didn't...(who wouldn't...right?)

So...I am going to Chicago this weekend...submitting my video...possibly LA if necessary...then if I am still just a run of the mill loser...I move forward.  Forward in my own weight loss journey and begin to raise funds for the resort.  I could stand at the corner with the recovering drug addicts or in front of Wal-Mart holding a sign that says "Send a Fat Chick to Camp"  In fact...if your interested in those escapades you can view them here!

Monday, August 15, 2011

"I'm in a Glass Case of Emotion"

Me too, Mr. too!

Dr. Phil says (once an episode) that you teach people how to treat you.  Funny thing is that I think I was taught to teach people how to treat me poorly.

I have been super angry at my mom this week.  I am trying to let it go and to be clear...I LOVE HER VERY MUCH.  I try to walk with an attitude of forgiveness, but here's a Biggest Loser moment I haven't talked mom.  She flip flopped on whether or not she wanted to go.  My step father did not want her to go.  She decided that she would go out for it anyway and then discuss it with him again if the possibility became reality.  This was a last minute decision.

The line up was as follows, Myself, my sisters Suzanne and Victoria, and my mom.  The three of them live relatively close to each other so somehow they decided that they would ride together.  In my concern that narcoleptic Suzanne and Vicky would decide not to come, I paid for a hotel room on the mall property (Remember unemployment...).  I got there about 8pm and was going to immediately go to bed for my 1 am line check. 

Time dragged on...countless calls between my sisters and I not knowing what was going on with where my mom was and what was taking so long...they finally made it after about 10:30.  I was now wide awake and an unhappy camper as I paid $129.00 plus tax for a room I wasn't going to get to sleep in at all. Plus both of my sisters had some sort of upper respiratory thing along the lines of tuberculosis that I am quite sure would have rendered an iron lung useless.  It was a night of hacking, bed shaking from hacking, and inexcusable butt trumpeting.

My mom decides, almost immediately that this was perhaps a mistake for her...I try to encourage her to do it and see how it goes, but the flip flop continues.  My 1 am line search confirms no one jockeying for position at this point.  I try to sleep for another two hours.  My 3 am line search confirms about 10 people.  I call the hotel and recommend that my sister prepare the troops for battle.  I get back and mom decides she's a no go for the tryout.  She does however make a statement that she will be the drink girl and the line placeholder.  In my mind...I think she shouldn't try out if she doesn't want too, but I appreciate that she will stay to support us.  Almost as soon as that thought is completed, she decides to bail.

Bailing means more than her just not being there.  It means that because she decided to drive two of her adult children to this thing and then just leave them high and dry.  No...not high and dry.  Because SuperChristie was there to make sure everything was A-OK.  SuperChristie needs no sleep.  She can stay up straight over 30 hours, standing in line for 6 hours, interviewing for an important event, drive an hour out of her way to make sure that everyone is safe and sound and then manage to limp her tired ass back almost another 40 minutes and try to lull herself to sleep with a little Project Runway.

I thought that I was able to reconcile all my childhood feelings as far as my mom was concerned.  This has opened a gaping wound for me.  I am forgiving.  I am forgiving.  I have forgiven, but it has given me a HUGE insight as to why I can not seem to follow anything to fruition, Why I have no problem giving up something I really want when it interferes with something that someone else wants.

Call me crazy, but I am not ready to give this up yet.  I am making my video this week.  And it looks like I am possibly off to Chicago to try this thing ONE more time.  Well, maybe two more times...I am already pricing flights to LA in case I need one.  Not going down without a fight.

Roller Coaster

When I was a kid we used to sing this song.  I don't really remember what it was called, but part of it went "When you're up, you're up and when you're down, you're down, but if you're only halfway up you're neither up or down."

These days...I feel like my pendulum has been swinging like crazy.  One day I feel like the world is laid out before me and the next...I feel trapped.

I have some things in the works.  Some ideas I am working on.  I still am going to complete my video this week, I have a killer idea for attention grabbing that is artistic, ingenious, and kind of creepy at the same time.

If that doesn't work...there is talk of trying to hit up the casting call in Chicago this weekend, but as of's just talk.

It's a late night.  Almost 1 am here.

Lost in thought.

I know I seem to be very melancholy these days.  There are several of you who have been so kind with your comments, emails, and on FB! I want you to know with all of my woe is me...I really do appreciate your support!  In my personal life, there are just some people who should be supportive to a fault, who unfortunately keep letting me down.  This is disheartening to me and hits me on every insecure level.  Trying to work through this is difficult.  Thanks to you guys, some great friends, and family...I know that I am not alone and I will make it through.

For now...bed.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

I'm Sorry to Say...

that I am not the Biggest Loser.

I don't think I prepared for something more in my life.  I don't think I could have been more positive about something.  After all, the Biggest Loser requires that you be really good at one thing and one thing alone. 

Being fat. 

I have been really fat for nearly 20 years.  I am a professional.  Before was just a hobby.  Something to occupy the time. Apparently, I am not good enough at it for Hollywood.  Perhaps they are right because after 20 years...I am pretty sure that my goal is retirement.  I am not really interested in pursuing this line of business anymore.

I am not giving up though.  There is still the video submission.  After no sleep for OVER 24 hours, learning that some people will disappoint you (fail to support you) when you need them, and standing in line for over 6 hours with some of the most FABULOUS people to never be featured in  St. Louis Magazine...I am not quite ready to give up on the possibility.

Last time I stood in line like this for ANYTHING 1994 when I took a group of neighborhood kids to see Jodi Sweetin from Full House.  I left that with an autograph (I mean...I was there already, right?)  I left this...with a hole in my heart.  

It's ok.  I'll be fine.  I always find a way to be ok.

It was a group interview where you had to fight your way through a sea of other people to be the most unique and interesting.  It was hard to talk over the lady who was shouting about he employment with Busch family (as in the beer empire), especially since her sobriety status was in question (seriously).  I always attract the crazies like a magnet and this was no different.  She accused us of line jumping despite the 15 people in line before us that confirmed we were there and had been there the whole time. (the leg of one of our chairs somehow ended up on her towel).  We apologized, but there was no having it.  She became belligerent and sauntered off to her car where she grabbed a security guard and had a mental breakdown in the parking lot, screaming and crying (literally) about how WE were being mean to her.  When we were escorted into the mall to wait inside, she was broadcasting loudly that she was going to line jump us (despite the security guards assurances to her that she would not).  She was so busy running her mouth about it that she failed to notice we stopped walking and she ran into me full force.  I barely stayed on my feet, it was a hard hit.  She then complained that hitting me was like hitting a brick wall and continued to defame the character of myself and my sisters to the people lining up behind her.  In an effort to resolve my anger, I videotaped her stuffing a McDonald's breakfast sandwich into her pie hole.  hmmm...the next YouTube sensation?

I convinced myself that this was my ONLY option.  I convinced myself that because I wanted it, it was outside of my comfort zone, I have no job and nothing going on somehow meant that it was my destiny.  For the first time since I was laid off, I was hopeful. ABOUT SOMETHING, ABOUT ANYTHING.  I was too tired to wait impatiently for a callback.  I slept.  I NEEDED sleep. I woke up this morning and was able to come quietly to grips that I did not get a call. 

I WILL make the video.  I WILL submit it.  I MAY OR MAY NOT get a callback. 

I made a commitment on paper yesterday.  Signed, sealed, and delivered...I guaranteed that I could dedicate September through March 2012.  With or without Bob Harper.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Random Thoughts

For the FIRST time in my life...I feel like my future hinges on EVERY decision I make.  (Wish that I had taken them more seriously before now)

I tell you all the time about the year my mom was married to a Marvel Comics Supervillain, but here are before and after shots. 
10 years old (150 lbs)

11 years old (75 lbs)

I still can't believe someone could hate this little girl enough to mistreat her.  Yeah...she's a sad little girl who is already lacking self-confidence.  I normally hate this <--- picture. I see ALL the things that are wrong with me, but today I just see a little girl who was given a bad haircut and probably needed a hug.

11th grade (about 175 lbs)

I had to go on a photo journey last night because I want to be prepared in case I need them.  I hope I need them.   I think the most hurtful reaction to any of my own photos was that I thought I have ALWAYS been as overweight as I am now.'s because I can't remember a time when I wasn't.  I have been the same basic clothes size since I got married.  I ran across these two pictures and they are bittersweet.  They show me that yes, I may have been overweight, but at some point in my life I had an opportunity to recognize that I could fix it and I chose to ignore it...why did I do that?

I did love rockin the BIG hair though!  Man do I miss perms and having NO idea about my carbon footprint.  I miss being fun.  I am doubt.  I have been blessed with a comic mind, fantastic timing, and a clever sense of irony.  I sincerely miss the "let's go" attitude.  Whatever you're thinking...I am up for it. to find it!

Elephant Rock,  Ironton, MO  1995

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Expect the Unexpected!

In my life...this!

I didn't expect that my mom would divorce my dad and I would see him once a year or so for the rest of my life.

I didn't expect that I would come home from being sent to visit my mom's friend on vacation and find out that my mom was getting married the NEXT day.

I didn't expect that her husband would abuse my sisters and I.

I definitely never expected that someone could hate fat kids as much as he did or to lose 75 lbs. in less than a year.

I never expected to know what it felt like to be dangling in the air by a grown man's fingers holding me at the jaw.

I didn't expect to know what it feels like to cry so hard that no sound comes out.

I didn't expect that she would leave him.

He didn't expect that I (12 years old) would pick up the crutches that he had been poking me in the side with for weeks and bash them across his knees that were recovering from surgery.  (Most liberating experience of my life to date) (as wrong as it may be) (Call it my Thelma and Louise moment)

I didn't expect that I would be pulled away from everything I ever knew and be forced to live in a rural area surrounded by child molesters that forced me to stay inside the house behind locked doors for over a year.

I didn't expect to survive high school.

I didn't expect to be afraid of leaving my sisters behind for college. I definitely never expected that I would never go.

I didn't expect to fall in love with the dishwasher with the spiral permed mullet.  **I don't think my boyfriend expected it either. :)~ **

I didn't expect that he would ask me to move away with him and I definitely NEVER saw it coming when he broke up with me at our going away party.

I didn't expect it to hurt sooo much.

I didn't expect that some people don't have good intentions (a lot of bad can be forgiven if you think they do.)

I didn't expect that my mom knew what she was talking about with the next boyfriend.  I didn't expect for her to kick me out.

I didn't expect to end up living in my car with two other people.

I didn't expect to steal gas station hot dogs for food (let alone steal at all).

I NEVER expected that someone would shoplift a python for S&G's and then ask me if it could stay in the car with us.

I didn't expect that he would go to prison. (but mommy

I  didn't expect my mom to forgive me.

I didn't expect for mullet boy to move back.

I didn't expect to still love him soo much.

I didn't expect to be at work and find out from someone else that my mom got married just an hour or so before.

I didn't expect to follow the spiral curls to Louisiana to follow his dreams.

I didn't expect that it would mean I would be living in a rural roach infested trailer with no car, no friends, no phone.

I  didn't expect the random day we would pack everything up and move back home on a moments notice.

I didn't expect that we would be married.

I didn't expect that my dreams would never be important.

I didn't expect that I would ever get pregnant.

I didn't expect the two little lights in my life.

I didn't expect the alcoholism (even though the signs were there)

Some days...I didn't expect to make it through.

I didn't expect to know what it feels like to be over 300 lbs.

I didn't expect to ever lose any weight (let alone nearly 30 lbs)

I didn't expect to lose my job of 8 years.

I didn't expect to have a hard time finding another.

I didn't expect to say "The Biggest Loser" without immediately craving a foot long coney dog, let alone attending a casting or making a casting video.

I didn't expect to want it sooo much.

I didn't expect to tell you.

I don't expect to be chosen, but with the list above and knowing what I left out for the sake of brevity :)...I know to EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED.

**to clarify I am auditioning...not selected (at this point).