Thursday, April 27, 2017

Everything is AWESOME

Hi.  It's me.

Everything is great! 

No.  Really!

I have lost about 80lbs total. Things have started slowing down.  I've failed at staying active with the intention of exercise, but I'm back on track.

So much has happened since I blogged last. (Isn't that always the way.)

I went zip lining  with my hubby for our anniversary and conquered a fear on top of doing something that had never been an option when I was heavier.  I love to shop.  Not in like an obsessive way, but in the way that I am wearing clothes that are nice, they fit, and I feel proud to wear.  Every time I fit in a 18 or 16, I'm like really?  Is this really happening? This is a totally weird feeling because I remember being in high school and my mom taking me to Fashion Bug because they sold plus size clothes.  I remember putting on 18's like it was yesterday and being so down on myself.  I had no idea what life laid out in front of me and how much living I was capable of at that point.  It felt oppressive and sad.

Today, I'm in the same place and it is such an overwhelming liberation that I'm sometimes scared that I'll go to sleep, wake up and find that this is all a dream.

So as of today...I'm signing up to do my first 15k.  That is 9.32 miles.  That is scary distance, but it must be done.  If I'm not moving forward, I'm standing still, or even worse getting vacuum suctioned into my past.  I believe at this point it is going to be great to challenge myself.  So far, I have a good friend signed up to do it with me, but I am looking for other participants as well. Who better to run with you than a community of people who know how hard you worked to get here?  You know what else?  They offer a 5k as well,  so if that is your starting point come out and let it be with us, Chicas who know what it's like to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and power on.  You'll have plenty of time to train because it is not until 12/10/2017.  Its called the Hot Chocolate Race in St. Louis Mo. and they are doing early bird sign up right freaking

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Failure WILL NOT Kill Me

Today was the first day that my Timehop had a post laden with anger towards my Dad and his flip-flopping end of life decisions, his reaching out to people he hadn't spoken to in 40 years for advice instead of hearing the voice of his family, and his disregard for anything meaningful.

I hate the bitterness.

Bitterness turned to action.

My Dad gave up on life, his wife, his children, and his grandchildren.  He gave up on me.  This man who "responded well to dialysis" when he chose to do it,  just up and decided it wasn't worth the hassle and quit his life-saving treatment, then changed his mind right before he was dying, only to change it back to giving up after he had been given enough treatment to allow him to live a shallow existence for a few more days.

As much as you can want someone to live, you can also beg for it to be over.

I wished that he would say something poignant, apologize for not being there, and spend his last days telling me everything I should have been told by my Dad in my 40 years of life.  I wished that he would tell me that he loved me and I would believe it.  For the first time, I would feel like this man who was directly involved in bringing me to life would make me feel like a person he truly loved and not like a person he would've easily thrown away had it not been for the paper trail.

...but wishing will not make it so...

He died at 59 years old from failure.

Failure to act.

Long before dialysis, there was failure to take diabetic oral meds, failure to take insulin, and failure to change his diet.

Diabetes or kidney failure is not what killed him.  His failure to treat them did.

He died on 02/05/2016.  Over the next month or so...I struggled to care..not about life in general, but about him not being here.  I wanted to miss him, but I didn't.  He had long been gone for me longer than he had been physically gone and I was angry that I was not enough for him to choose to fight.  I couldn't understand how you could be presented with medical options to treat your illness and NOT utilize them.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks...AM I DOING THE SAME THING?  Is my total disdain for weight loss surgery preventing me from treating my illness?  The answer I settled on was yes, so I took action.

I'm 12 weeks post surgery today.  I am down 60lbs.  I have lost the equivalent of my 9 year old daughter. 

I still wish I missed him, its not from lack of trying.  I understand now that there is nothing wrong with me if I don't.

Here's to deciding to live.