Foodwise...I have been a good girl this week. I did have Tater Tots once this week and yesterday while walking through the gas station...I knew I was not getting out of there with a bag of Lays Plain potato chips and I didn't...but I bought the smallest bag, took a handful and threw the rest out. Even I know this is a slippery slope though. POTATO..you evil nemesis, I will myself to conquer you! The more I give in on these small things, the more common place they become and I am right back in "that" boat with my head buried inside the 'Family Sized' bag of Lays. Since I don't like the journey that ship is sailing...I know that Courage is my friend and caution...a new virtue.
Excercise...2 trips to the trainer this week, no puking, Thursday there may have been pleading for the madness to stop. I don't really remember as the Thursday trainer works me to the point of exhaustion, but never wanting to be the lazy, fat chick in the gym with the 'skinnies' (as I call them) I press on to loss of consciousness and wake up on the scale a full three pounds less than the week before. Yes...that brings my 4 week tally to 15lbs. I got off the scale, she looked at me and said 3lbs and I was in tears. Still motivated from it, I have managed to get to the gym without a trainer an additional 2 days this week.
Some tears came from wanting to kick my own butt for not doing this sooner, but most came from letting go.
I have struggled for so long to have people take me seriously at over a full on person overweight. Thinking about it now, in some cases it was almost like wanting people to watch 2 people do less than half of the work of one. I would say things like "I would like to be a writer, but I am not good enough" When truly I thought that a lot of what I wrote was good, but I would play conversations in my head. I will show it to a random person and just KNOW that everything they were thinking had nothing to do with talent or writing, but instead thinking about how ridiculous I would be to try and sell myself to a publishing company or a magazine. In my head, I have actually thought that I could never be a featured writer in a newspaper, because my photo would never fit in that little box next to the byline. How ridiculous is it to think about yourself that way? So destructive.
I am valid. It sounds so ridiculous, but do you know how many times I have invalidated myself? How many times I have distrusted people, friendships, and situations because of my fears of their judgement? Funny thing though...I didn't need them to judge me and make me feel bad, because I was doing it to myself. It is also very easy to get all pious and say..."who are you to judge?" To those I say we all judge. I did it just today when I looked at the creepy old man who came into the gym while I was working out by myself at 5:30 in the morning. He was walking on the treadmill wearing jeans, a Hawaiian shirt, and a Walk-Man from 1993 and he kept jumping off the treadmill to re-apply hand sanitizer; despite everything I thought about him...he did not kill me and there is probably a real good chance that he's never killed anyone.
The point is that we all see things and determine at face value, despite all the old adages and words we use to make it sound better, all "venting" is judgement. We have to make a new commitment to avoid letting other people and what they might or might not say or do discourage us!!! Persevere.
Other people are not the problem. They may trigger an unhealthy response in you, but...the only person who has ever truly stood in my way was me and I was...and in some ways still am a hindrance to myself, but I refuse to stand still any longer. For those of you who are still concerned about people throwing glances and darting hurtful words in your direction...find a way to get out there and MOVE. It's a lot harder to hit a moving target.