Sunday, April 17, 2016

Christie and the Color Run

You wake up with so much excitement.  A plan in place, Today is the day you committed to run, walk, or crawl a 5K.

Any self doubt that I have surrounding my ability to complete something of this magnitude comes in the days leading up to the race.  A lot of arguing with myself.

"It's not like you HAVE to do this."
"You paid for it, you better do it! "
"You already told everybody that you were going to do it and if you don't you will just solidify everything that that think about know the stuff they don't tell you to your face."
"What's wrong with everyone's expectations of you being correct?"

Trust me...there are worse things that I say to myself about what I do and do not accomplish on a regular basis that are much more shocking than anything I've put here today.  If you are honest with yourself and others, I'd almost be willing to bet a pile of cash that you do the same thing about your insecurities. It's an inner struggle that I choose to make public so that maybe...just day we'll all realize that we are, on some level, the same.  The struggle may be different, but the feelings behind them are the same.  Maybe, upon that realization, we'll all be a little kinder to each other.

Anyway, I digress...

This is the first time that I have attended a 5k with my little family in participation.  I'm usually by myself, with my sister or another family member, and once the fam came out to greet me when I crossed the finish line.  This is a different experience entirely. This comes with an entirely NEW set of pressure.  This is my sixth 5k.  My fourth in 2 years.  In all the run/walks I've been part of, the option to quit was always there.

I never took that option, but it was there.

This time my kids were there, so the pressure was a bit overwhelming.  I cannot quit. No matter what.  At first it weighed really heavy on my heart.  I wanted to be there alone.  I wanted them to walk ahead and finish and just leave me out there to do what I needed to do.  Strangers don't care if you cry.  My family does.  So no crying this race.  Believe it or not this left me a bit unsatisfied.  It's not that I want to cry, but it's a physical, mental, and emotional struggle to deal with hauling 280lbs 3.2 miles.  For the first mile, every time, I can't even catch my damn breath.  It's stressful.  Then comes the self-loathing.

"It's your fault.  You did this to yourself.  Now you want to cry because it's hard."  And you do.

When the determination finally kicks in, you usually have about 3/4 of a mile left and whatever pain you are feeling has to be put aside because regardless of why, when, or have to get back.  You can sit on the side of the road and cry, but when you're done...your still on the side of the road needing to get back to where you started so you can go home.  So, you might as well just keep going and not stop to cry because that just puts you behind and will leave you dehydrated.

My family WAS with me, though, so it was like having to push down all the emotion and just move.  My youngest, Erica, just kept telling me how much fun she was having and Autumn hurt herself and finished on a swollen ankle because she was determined to get her medal. 

And she did.

We all did.

We persevered as a family.

Today.  I hurt.  I hurt so bad.  I know why.  It's because I stupidly thought that I could do this without training and I know better.  I have the Roller Coaster Race on May 1st and I have a lot of work to do in the next two weeks.

So I leave you with this:   


5 Reasons To Make The Color Run Your First 5k.
1. It's the #happiest5k.
It's true.  It really is.  Lots of good music to get you pumped, free swag is thrown out at the starting line, and people are generally pleasant.  We even had some nice runners give our family some extra leis that they had.
2. It's not timed.
The Color Run is not a competition.  It's about getting out there and having a good time.  If you are worried about what people will think as you cross the finish line...don't.  Everyone does not start at the same time, instead, they release people on the course in "waves" over the course of an hour.  Since I'm a slow walker.  I try to get in the first wave, leaving plenty of people in front of me and behind me.
3. Color Stations.
The Color Run has 5 color stations that will smack you with different colored cornstarch powder as you go through them.  This is an amazing help for first timers.  Instead of worrying about when you are going to get to the end, it is almost encouraging to be at the next color station.  It's a total moral booster.
4.  It's just plain fun!
People come out in make-up, crazy hairstyles, and tu-tus.  Lots of tu-tus.  Even on men.  It's a great time where no one is taking themselves too seriously.
5. Finishers Medal
I'm not one of those "everyone gets a medal" people.  I don't think that you give all the kids an award to tell them how special they are, but...I bust my hump to complete a 5k and I love the feeling of something in my hand that says "You did it!" (Lots of races give these, but...)
Think about it.  Look for one in a city near you.
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Monday, April 11, 2016

Optimism Comes At A Price

I'm learning.

This week we have learned that I can make an unexpected decision.  We are now aware that I can be willing to change my plan for a better result.  We have always known that I can be thwarted by disappointment, but I'm working on that.

As the title says...Optimism comes at a price.  This is why I try not to be overly optimistic.  I try to have a wait and see approach and then if it happens, it happens, but this time I got ahead of myself and let myself go to the place where there was an end in sight.  It's not an easy way out, but it's a legitimate means to and end.  I let my heart get excited about the time frame and when I found out it wasn't going to happen the way that I believed and it left me tipped over, nearly drowned, pulling myself to the bank in the middle of Deliverance.  It took my mind to a dark place where I felt alone, armed with a broken paddle, and in the distance I can hear the banjo.

Da na neer neer neer neer neer neer neer...

Why though?  It didn't have to go to that place...did it?

Go back to any place of success in this blog.  Read the excitement.  Then read the plan.

It might say things this time 6 months from now, I could be under 250.

At no time in the 7 years this blog as existed have I ever seen under 250.

This time last year sans blogging, I was the closest I've ever been 259.  This morning I weighed in at 286.  No long term commitment.

I started this blog in July of 2009 with my so called Day of Reckoning.  Man, was I angry that day!  Why did I stop being so angry?  That is where the fire began.  That moment spent writing everything in my heart with hot tears running down my face.  That should've been my rock bottom.  Every half-assed "I'm back"  should've been a rock bottom.  I'm sitting here today knowing all I've learned about the journey I've been on and realizing that the only possible rock bottom is death. 

You don't come back from that.

I have changed the way that I eat so many times.  A lot of these changes have been lifelong.  This entire journey hasn't been lost on me.  I could give you a lifetime of blogs worth of "despite the perception all fat people are not lazy", I could send you my fitbit tracker information to show there have been why?  Why am I back to nearly the beginning?  Why am I starting over again?

Let's take them one at a time.

Why am I back to nearly the beginning? 
Consider the work of Dr. Deborah Muoio,  she has done research that she believes proves that there is a cellular memory in obese people that basically boils down to the theory that cells remember being fat. Therefore by literally working your ass off, losing 30-50 lbs, and then stalling out on your program your body in essence freaks out and tries to correct the problem causing you to gain the weight you lost plus additional pounds.  This same theory though, does not seem to apply to those who have lost extreme amounts of weight naturally or surgically.  Is it true?  I don't know, but it could definitely apply to my situation and I appreciate that forward thinking individuals are willing to consider something other than the fact that I am sedentary and eating myself to death. Anyone who knows me can attest to this being the direct opposite.

Why am I starting over again?
If I don't I'm giving up and that is unacceptable.

I have an opportunity to do something I have never done before.  I'm taking it.  It has to be delayed because I need the insurance to pay for it, so I have to play by their rules.

I do not intend to waste this 6 months.  Anything I lose in this 6 months will only propel me to where I need to be on the other side of this procedure.

Today: 286
Tomorrow: Christie

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Saturday, April 9, 2016

Road Blocks

Roadblocks are always there to pop up when you least expect them,  Yesterday, I hit my first on my newest journey.

Part of the process in gearing up for bariatric surgery is that the Dr.'s office has a rep that verifies your insurance coverage.  This was not a concern because I know that it is covered as there are several people in my office who have had it done.  When the call came in on Friday, I was thrilled.  This was quick...all I'll need to do now is make my appointment and start the 3 month countdown.


Apparently the insurance company has instituted a requirement to have 6 months of a medically supervised weight loss program in order to qualify.  This shouldn't have been a big deal to me, but it took the wind right out of my sails.  I spent some time bitching about it until I finally convinced myself that before I knew they could do everything so quickly, I was going to put it off until later in the year anyway.  So, this change in my plan was actually my original plan, which felt like the right plan initially.

I'm kind of proud of myself because all the ingredients were there to complete a recipe for disaster, but instead of spending time in self destructive behavior over my self destructive behavior, I talked myself down and realized that this just brought me back to where I was before the seminar.  It didn't and there was no reason for this to set me back any further than that.
And then...when I have my surgery in the last part of the year, I will be in much better shape and that much closer to reaching my goals.

Speaking of goals...

I accidentally skipped my 500 words yesterday.  It says I'm not supposed to try and make them up, but I will.  I've been so good.  I fell asleep, so it's not like I made a conscious decision not to write them, but this soon in the process it feels like a failure.  If there is anything I need, its to feel like I am succeeding at something. Especially those things that are so intensely personal to me. If I am going to follow through with anything at this sure as heck better be something for which I benefit.  I'm not selfish, I swear, but truthfully, I am a thousand times more likely to finish something that I am doing for someone else than I am to really begin anything that is just for me.

The Color Run is exactly a week away.  Now it's the whole clan.  My 8 year old and my mom are now joining us so that adds a level of difficulty.  Last time I did a 5K with my mom, she told me how much she regretted signing up...the whole time.  Erica has never done anything like this and I usually can not get her to turn off the TV long and walk up to her room let alone get her to walk 3.2 miles.  The adults can do what needs to be done, but somebody has to stay and finish with the kids.  I hope that's not me. I hope everyone finishes.

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Thursday, April 7, 2016

The Seminar

I survived the seminar.

At least I think I did.  It was touch and go for a hot minute.

First of all, I did not want to be there.  My insurance requires it and the Dr. requires it, so it had to happen.  This, of course, was not my first rodeo.  If you have been a lifetime reader of this blog then you know that one of my first posts was about the Bariatric Surgery seminar I attended and subsequently used to make the decision that I was NEVER going to have this surgery.  Fast Forward 5 years and NEVER is now because I want to be able to fast forward to 5 years from now.

I chose to go through the program at Des Peres Hospital in Des Peres, MO because I trust the Surgeon, Dr. Matt Ricks.  Dr. Ricks is the same surgeon that performed my double hernia surgery in November and I survived that so I think I'm in good hands.

Back to the seminar.

I got off work at 4:30 pm and the hospital is 10 minutes away, but it didn't start until 6pm, so I sat in the parking lot and people watched.  People watching really means: Watching people walk in the building and predetermining whether or not they were there for the seminar.  Terrible...I know.  When it came time to me walking in the building, I knew they were figuring why I was there as well, so we're even.

Dr. Ricks was stuck in surgery and he would be in as soon as it was over.


I've sat in a room with about 35 people LITERALLY sizing each other up.  Listening to them drone on "If he says I can't have coffee, I'm out of here.  Nothing is worth giving up my coffee."

Really?  I mean...

And this is why I hate weight loss seminars.  Not everyone who is there is ready to be there.  That's ok.  I have been and it wasn't my time either, the difference??  I kept my mouth shut.  I ask actual questions like, "How long is the recovery time for gastric sleeve?", not "If I'm not emotionally ready to go back to work after the recovery time frame can it be extended?" or "I know you said that we will be up walking the day of surgery, but I don't get up and walk today, so is that flexible?"

I just don't have the patience for it.

This was different from my last seminar in one way.  The Dr. from Heart of America Bariatrics was hardcore selling the surgery.  Talking about financing and trying hard to make the sale.  Dr. Ricks was the complete opposite.  His talk was strictly about finding the right procedure for each person and about follow through.  What to expect from 100% buy in and ultimate effort and what to expect if you think this is the magic pill.  (Which I don't)

They advised that surgery could occur within 90 days of this meeting depending on insurance, so now we wait.

I have a plan to wait until the end of summer, but truthfully...he indicated the recovery time was 2 weeks.  I could totally do that in July and still get back on plan for walking and finishing out the summer race strong.

Decisions.  Decisions.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

The Road Ahead

I feel like I am in a constant state of exhaustion

There is so much going on and so much that I am trying to accomplish that for the first time in a long time organizing and prioritizing what I am doing is paramount.

I have been sick for the last week.  It all started on Tuesday last week, sitting at my work desk and I could feel a little tickle at the back of my forward to Wednesday morning and I felt ok, but I couldn't swallow. In that exact moment, I knew I had strep.  A quick jaunt to the Walgreens Take Care Clinic and diagnosis confirmed.  I left work.  I had to leave.  I am pretty much the expert on strep.  It hadn't happened yet, but I was about to get wiped out and less than 2 hours later, I was.

This was a huge blip.  A break in the concentration.  A break in the preparation.

In 10 days, Autumn, the hubster, and I will take on the Color Run.  We are beyond ill prepared.  Last time I went out to walk, I barely completed a mile.  I'm still coughing and wheezing...I need a break, but not from walking.

I have taken on the daunting task of completing all these races and being involved in all this activity.  I have a race/walk every other week from now until mid May and I'm adding more.  I plan to continue walking through the season straight up until my surgery which is still TBD.  The purpose is three-fold. 

  1. I am hoping to lose enough weight that I can have the lap-band instead of bypass.
  2. I need to replenish my T-shirt collection
  3. When I am home alone, I like to wear all my medals and name them while I stroke them lovingly.  (sorry, not sorry)
My seminar is tomorrow.  I have to go.  I don't want to go, but it's required.  I don't want to talk to much about it right now because I am notorious for pre-judging situations and building up things in my mind that do not matter and may or may not be based in actual reality.  I can go into further detail once I have actually been to the meeting.

I have cut a lot of my TV time.  This is good for many reasons, but I am finding that I am bad at choosing good television over drivel.  I have made the decision to limit television because TV is what keeps me from doing the things I need to do and it keeps me from writing.  It also makes me eat terribly.

The most recent addition to things on my plate is a 500 word writing challenge.  I am
charged with writing at least 500 words a day.  I found the challenge here.  Its premise is basic, write at least 500 words a day for at least 31 days.  I have been posting the work for the last two days on Facebook, but you are hereby gifted with today's 500 words.  The weight loss is important to me, but this is even more so.  Fat or thin...writing bubbles below the surface.

Wish me luck tomorrow.

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