Sunday, May 22, 2011

Picture This!

It's difficult for me to take the picture with my cellphone while I am still standing on the scale, but there it is!  I am thankful for this and soo much more.  The error message appears because I didn't stand on the scale long enough for the water weight percentage to come up. 

I am about to start getting ready for church this morning.  This next week will be filled with helping my husband with his business.  We are praying that if it is God's will this can be my fulltime job, allowing me to spend more time with my children. 

I am praying for all of my blogger friends!  I need to do a better job of keeping up with the reading, but it has been difficult for me lately!  Keep up the good work! 

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Thankful's been a lot better being home with the kids than I thought.

I am suprised and ashamed at the same time.  I have always said that I had to work or I would go crazy.  Not true as it turns out.  Seems that I am learning all sorts of new things about my little people everyday.  I am having crazy fun being with them.  It's not all roses, but I am loving it!

I have been working a lot on the forgiveness piece of my life.  As I mentioned last post, I have been trying to turn my anger over to God and let him heal my heart.  I reached out to some people and let them know that I am not perfect and that while I may have been hurt...I am responsible for my reactions to certain situations.  It was an amazing calming feeling.

I have lost weight this week.  However...I will wait to give you the details until tomorrow's weigh in! 

How is everyone doing out there?

Sunday, May 15, 2011


I want to start this post with my number 283.2.  It's a loss!  Yay!  I am glad to see it!  I have been asking for it and since I have been at home, my eating habits have changed.  My exercise habits however, have not. This is a definite thing that I need to work on, not only to lose weight, but to be strong.

This blog has been a journey for sure and has dealt in the truth of a lot of the hurt and pain that I have felt for a long time.  It has represented an overall heaviness that I have felt in my life for, well....for my lifetime.  A heaviness on my body and a heaviness in my heart.  I have struggled.  In the last year, I have dealt with terrible overwhelming sadness from my own anger.  I have been angry at everything and everyone, but timid and as a result...I let it fester.  This was a huge block to any recovery that I might have ever achieved.

I am in a really good place today.  I am in a good place because I reconnected with an old friend.  Jesus Christ.  You may say...oh she goes, but I will never be ashamed of this relationship.  I am tired of living in fear and I have now given my fear to God.  I am tired of being angry and I have given that to him as well.

Jesus loves me fat or thin. God has given me life everyday and I have wasted it and treated it as if it didn't matter and I was wrong for that.  I have been blessed with a wonderful family and wonderful friends and I have not given him the proper thanks.  I am thanking him today and everyday.  If I lose be it.  I am starting this journey over with a friend, workout partner, and redeemer.  Hope you will come along!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

5K Recovery

It's a month away.  You know the one I said I would RUN.  LOL.  LOL..Lo..l...l....meh  After walking one this past Saturday...not sure that's gonna happen.  But...just the same, it does not mean that I won't.  I am just now finally feeling like I may physically be able to resume workouts tomorrow.  This dang aching in my shin came back after a quick jaunt to Wal-Mart...hoping that it is just healing. 

The scale this morning revealed exactly what I thought it would and that is an overall loss from my weigh in two weeks ago kind of backing up that swelling theory. 

Tonight we have already eaten dinner, so the kids and I are setting off to begin working on getting the house in order and de-cluttered. I can only imagine what the trash man will be thinking as of Monday.  I am sure he will be overloaded with CRAP that we somehow have amassed after living here for less than a year and a half.  Embarrassing.

Day two of unemployment went off without a hitch.I have been working to keep myself busy and to stop myself from eating and watching TV all day.  I am pleased to announce that the only TV I have even "participated" in are re-runs of George Lopez and The Nanny on Nick, while I tirelessly search for job leads after the kids go to bed.

Off to get the Living Room under control!!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

The Mother's Day Weigh

Happy Mother's Day to ya!  Who knows what's gonna happen today?  I told the hubster that I picked up the cards for his mom and he asked if I picked up one for myself as well. Since that was a big NEGATORY, I assume that my day will be filled with him sitting around the house waiting for a job to come in and me spending time sitting around with the kids.  I realize that this doesn't sound very active, but with 10 blisters on my feet, and day after 5k feeling like I'd been hit by a truck, sitting around is about as active as I can be right now.  A massage would have been nice today.  Should have preplanned that...

The weigh in is what it is today.  285.8.  I think I may have some swelling from yesterday though, so I am betting that next week will be better.

In the face of my unemployment, I have decided that I am going to need to really regiment myself.  I have set some goals...both weight loss and otherwise (not necessarily in this order).

1.  Find a job
2.  Use time off to prep for RUNNING at least PART of the Komen
3.  Use time off as a springboard for some MAJOR weight loss
4.  Enjoy my life and my kids
5.  Obtain and maintain a CLEAN House.

We'll see what happens.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

A Blistering Tale

This morning I woke to a mad dash to get ready.  My alarm set for 4:30 in the morning on my first day of unemployment, let alone a Saturday, shook me like an air raid alarm.  I began to dress and mentally prepare myself for the biggest challenge I have ever faced alone.  Point A to Point B.

Woke the kids, bathed them, loaded everyone in the car for the long, early morning haul to Hermann for the 2011 Health Challenge 5K.  A worthy cause as the proceeds went to four local, rural area  food pantries.  I have no idea  how long it takes to get to Hermann, MO from my house.  I figured it was about 60 miles, but I have never really clocked it from here.  I had to be there, drop the kids off, and register by7:30.  I left my house at 5:30 and trekked out into an early morning thunderstorm.

Arriving barely in time...I pick up my sister and we are off.

My sister and I are a similar body type.  She is a bit shorter than I am, but weigh about the same.  This was also her first 5K.

I love people.  As you also know...people are my problem.  Their expectations of me, my idea of their expectations of me, the doubt that I will meet their expectations are all issues with which I continue to deal.  We arrive and my sister begins to call her trainer...I have never met her trainer.  I am sure that I will make a tremendous fool out of myself and come in last and she will mark in her head all the reasons that should be continuing to see a trainer.  She will laugh to herself at how foolish I was to think that I could ever do this on my own.  We meet.  She seems nice, I tell myself, but I immediately decide that I haven't failed yet and that is why she seems to be pleasant.  I smile a lot.

We walk to the starting line, they explain the course, and we are off...

Me, Suzanne (my sister), and Trainer Michelle.  I am iPod zoned.  I HAVE TO BE.  I can hear them talking and I decide that if I get caught up in the conversation, I will never make it through.  I pull ahead.  I feel guilty for it.  I look back a few times.  I see my sister walking with her trainer. My sister asked me to come out and walk with her today..if I am ahead, am I not supporting her?  These questions keep popping into my head.  Reluctantly, I soldier on ahead...alone. 

I decided that she had a support system in her trainer.I was cheering her on as well, but she had the support she needed.  Her support system would have held me back.  I know without a doubt, if I had stayed with them...I would have given up.  I would have failed.  If I stayed ahead...I was showing her that it could be done IN REAL TIME.

I am emotional...many of you know this already, but I cried several times while doing this today.  I cried because I doubted myself.  I cried because I was doing it, I cried when I saw the finish line,
I cried when I saw my sister walking around the bend to the finish.

People do 5k's all the time.  I suppose it's not a big deal, but to's a huge deal.  I stepped outside my comfort zone and by the way...I made 10 new friends who actually came home with me.  "The Foot Blister Family"  Seriously TEN blisters.  I think I will be sidelined for a day or so.  :)

Thursday, May 5, 2011

The Evils of Being Friends With Co-workers

Nearly 8 years ago, I embarked on a career in insurance.  Full of nerves and trepidation, I walked through the door with little confidence and a commitment to keep to myself.  A commitment that I kept for nearly a year.  I have known the evils of having "friends" at work.  That would not be my downfall here.

Right away, both of my husband's grandmothers died.  The company was gracious enough to give me extensive bereavement leave for both even though when I started the job in October they had already granted me permission to take a vacation in January since we had planned a fantastic cruise.  A month after I returned, after a year of fertility  treatments, I became pregnant with my eldest daughter.  It was a pregnancy that while called high risk was more like high annoyance.  I spent 3 days a week in fetal monitoring and the company worked with me. 

Through this time, the cube in front of me sat empty. 


Until ONE DAY. 

I came in and there was my favorite manager (sarcastically, she says favorite), Wire-haired Willie, as I lovingly referred to her, with a new hire who was well-dressed, but appeared a little reserved.  I continued to keep to myself.  I reluctantly agreed that he could ask me questions about the job.  I think he preferred to ask me because I was close and the employee who volunteered herself was a little cuckoo.  He introduced himself as Scott.

As it turns out, Scott was actually very friendly.  He already seemed to know EVERYONE in the office and he would laugh at me and say, "You've been here longer than I have."  Which was true, but I made a commitment. 

My pregnancy was rough, as I am diabetic.  Scott was a trooper at worker.  He would wake me up when I was sleeping, make sure that I was alive, and together...we were a super fun way!  I began going to lunch with him, sharing my thoughts (as crazy as they are), and to make no bones about it...we were friends.  In a lot of ways, he was my non-threatening work husband.

I had Autumn.  My sister was supposed to send a picture of her to work via email. I gave her a list of addresses and told her to pick out a cute one.  The next morning, bright and early...I received a call from Scott to let me know that she had sent the entire shoot. hospital gown...300lbs...rolled in a ball...getting an epidural...full on butt crack shots, doctors digging in my abdomen shots...but very few shots of actual baby.  I believe his actual words were "I think I have just seen more of you than I should have."

I have continued on here for nearly 7 more years and thanks to Scott and forcing me to leave my cubicle I have met many people that have enhanced my life.  (Some that have enraged me, but mostly all positive) I am forever grateful for his kindness to me, his encouragement, and most of all, his friendship.  He helped me see many things about myself that I was blinded to, like my perfunctory "do for everyone else and think of myself last".  Most of all, that I am worthy of having good things in my life and while I am still in the beginning stages of this, I can never repay it's value.  And you made me laugh, you many different ways.  I am happiest when I have a connection to humor and you have been that connection for me.  Without it in my life on a regular basis...there will be a hole...and I promise not to fill it with food.

Since, you won't allow me to say it to you, I will say it here.  You are right Scott, we ARE friends.  It is an active, not a passive verb. In a lot of ways you are like family to me.  I may not see you everyday, but there is a lot of love for you that I carry with me.  I will miss you like the "dickens" (lol) and I will miss Autumn asking me if Mr. Scott said anything funny today.  ( I have more to say to others, but Scott will not allow me to say anything to him

The company that has brought me to some of the most important people in my life (outside of my family) will put me out on my ass tomorrow.  It's scary and it's heartbreaking, but I have to say thank you just the same. 

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Where to start?

That is a REAL question for me today...I have been oddly sad today about the actual leaving the workplace.  I hate being there.  I just want to go about the business of moving on.  People who for years have been either friends or friendly at least are showing their true colors and it is nasty.  Those of us who lost our jobs...didn't want to lose their jobs.  Now it appears that they (the company) realizes that they may not have thought all of this through and the people who are staying are having work DUMPED on them in copious amounts and they are stressed, while I literally sit there and twiddle my thumbs because for the next few days anyway...I am a placeholder.


I am making a concerted effort not to be a placeholder in my own life.  My first 5K is Saturday.  It's supposed to rain.  Yuck! 

On the upside of things...I am feeling great about lots of extra time to exercise coming up.  A LOT OF TIME TO FOCUS ON ME!!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

T minus 5

That is how I have been thinking about the end of my employment.  Friday is my last day!  I say it with both excitement and trepidation.  I really want to find a job, but I am excited about the prospects of having some time off with my kids and real time to dedicate to train for the Komen.  This is the first time since Erica was born and I was on maternity leave that I have had an opportunity for some extensive time off. 

The job thing really weighs on my heart.  I am leaving soo much behind.  With the exception of a hand full of people, most of my friends are leaving as well. Nervous about losing touch with them.  I am leaving my family's security behind as well, but I know that the truth is that God provides those things, he was just using that job to do so.  There will be another way.

I totally failed Chubby McGee's Chubby Bunny Challenge, but truth is with so much going on...I wasn't even trying.  Overall...I had a gain , but I am happy to report that this weekend's weigh in.  has me down 2 lbs at 284.6.  I will regain my momentum.  I will succeed in the end. 

My first 5K is Saturday!  It's a walking 5K, no running, but I will be glad to have one under my belt for the Komen!

I have so many pictures to post...Q and U wedding, my trip to the zoo with the kids, Easter.  Perhaps I can fit in a photo montage this week!