Personal and Confidential (200th post)

Everything here always is, ya know?  Personal and Confidential, I mean.

In 200 posts a lot can happen and has for that matter. Sick of my life, I oddly ended up here in July of 2009.  I remember that day.  So desperate for change that I would write :

"I am a full-time employee, a full-time wife and mother, and a full time human being. I make hard decisions everyday. It is always easier to do something else. I push myself and prod myself to enter the cruel ass world where people wonder what my husband sees in me or even worse feel sorry for him. "

I did not only write those words, but I posted them in a public forum for no reason.  Hoping beyond all hope that somehow it would change my life.

I told you my deepest truths and fears.

"I am just always too busy doing so many things for others that I have no time for myself. This has been a problem with me for a long time. I put way more time into other people than I put into myself. I put way more time into other people than other people put into me. I guess at this point they will all really miss everything I do/did for them when I am dead. Truthfully, I know that the people I WASTE my time on, will just look for someone else to do it for them when/if I am gone. Taking care of my kids is NEVER a waste of my time. They are my whole reason for getting up and doing what I do everyday. They are amazing and they love me. They do not judge me. They do not understand "fat" as a bad thing. I am just their mom. Theirs are the only true relationships that I have, where there is no bias, just love!!! My fear is that will change one day. One day, people will not just be making fun of me, they will be making fun of me through my kids. Outside people will taint my relationship with my kids because people are cruel.

I think about my kids warning their friends before they meet me. Saying "My mom is a big woman" like a forewarning and a joke at the same time. My kids might even laugh with their friends about me and so ends the true part of the relationship for me."

I told you about my lowest of lows

"Have you ever been sad? Have you ever been so sad that you felt crazy? Like you were not you. You were outside of you, laughing at how pathetic you were, which just made you more sad? How about the emptiness? Did you feel it? Starts in your throat and is so oppressive it eats it's way down until you're a shell? You're a shell with weighted arms and legs.? You cry so hard and so loud that the sound can't escape your cavernous self? When the sound finally comes, the built up force of it steals your breath as it breaks free and you hyperventilate? I have."

You have journeyed with me.  Ups and Downs, Highs and Lows.  You have congratulated me on my successes and have held me up when I was falling.  I didn't know that in a lot of ways I would find a different kind of family.  A family that has been there or is currently there.  No matter how we got to this place...we're here together...digging our way out of the cavern of desperation together.  I may not be in the place I thought I would be 200 posts from that first day, but I am NOT giving up.  Please do not give up on me. 

Today, someone who was really feeling the desperation said to me, "I am not one of those people who can motivate others to lose weight.  I can't just be out there, talking about my weight and how I feel about it.  It's too personal to me." 

It's the most personal thing ever, isn't it?  It is to me too.  It's not easy to come out here and talk about the 'meat skirt', my weight resembling an oven temperature, or feeling like I'm worth nothing sometimes.  It's not easy, but I do it because I pray that someone else who is feeling that exact same way finds this and realizes they are not alone. 

 I weighed in yesterday at 296.8. That is a loss of 7.2 lbs in 2 weeks.  I'm baaaaaaack!

In celebration of my 200th post I promised a give-a-way. I was able to obtain an autographed copy of Matt Hoover's (Winner, Biggest Loser, Season 2) book 'Matt Hoover's Guide to Life, Love, and Losing Weight' an autographed picture of Matt and Suzi (Season 2 Runner-up), and Body Evolution by Matt and Suzi Hoover (a CD and eight DVD's).

 This is TRULY an amazing prize!  I will ship worldwide!  Cuz I love y'all!  How can you get it?  Thanks for asking.  You MUST be a blog follower and you must leave a comment before Jan 21st at 11:59pm. Only One Winner.  Winner will be chosen by randomizer Happy Entering!