Wednesday, October 27, 2010

40 Minutes To Go

Today was a long one...

A really good friend of mine from work had her last day today. She is moving towards her dreams and found another job and is off to live the lake life, so while I am sad. I say Congrats! and wish her well, after all I am chasing a dream as well, right?

On top of that, work today was long. We recently moved offices and we had our Grand Opening today/Ribbon Cutting. It was attended by Missouri Governor Jay Nixon...I was truly underwhelmed. Is that wrong?

So after much pomp and circumstance, I went back to work for another hour or so and then onward home. I was dreading it on some level..since it was not a training day, I had made a promise that this week I would really put it on and do the tread mill everyday that I didn't train. My husband was home when I go there so he kept the kids outside so I can hit it right away.

I walk in the door...last time I did 35 minutes and I promised to bump it up 5 more minutes. I turn on the lights in the basement, walk towards the treadmill, turn it on, step on the sides, and speed it up to 2.5mph. (Hey...I'm a big girl and I gotta start somewhere, right?) 40 minutes to go.

10 minutes in...that wasn't so bad.

15 minutes in...are you kidding me...I still have 25 minutes to go.

18 minutes in...Meat Loaf on the iPod...(you took the words right outta my mouth...oh it musta been while you were kissin' me.) Song ends...I got 15 minutes left.

This where it starts. I don't really need to do 40 minutes. I can do 30, why am I pushing myself? I will just burn 125 calories and I will jump off.

WAIT!!! What am I doing? So this is where the craziness starts...I start screaming at myself...DO 2 MORE MINUTES..YOU CAN DO 2 MORE MINUTES!!!! I hit 2 Minutes and then I scream WOO HOO!!! YOU DID IT!!! Then I yelled "JUST FINISH THIS MILE" COME ON! AHHHHHH!

I was getting really verbal, but you know what??? It helped!! I made it through all 40 minutes!

You know what, I saw the Governor, I said good-bye and see you soon to a friend, but most importantly today...I ROCKED MY WORLD!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Facing The Scale

Title courtesy of Kristen from Kreating Kristen! I said I was going to do it, but I figured that I would wait until Thursday since I used to weigh in on Thursdays, but I had a personal training appointment today so I did what had to be done. I weighed in.

I was dreading it, but I did it. I stepped on the scale and closed my eyes and waited for the number. It seemed like forever to hear the words leave her mouth, but the dread was for naught..I have gained no weight and I have lost no weight.

This could be a disappointment, but it's has been really hard over the last three weeks. If I can survive the last three weeks and not gain...I just might be able to do anything. My trainer was disappointed, but I don't do this for her...I do it for me.

Things are looking up and I am ready to lose more.

I bought a treadmill on Sunday and I am definitely in it to win it!!! Yesterday I did 35 minutes. Today, I did an hour with the trainer and I am on the tread tomorrow!

It's a new day. It's not a new beginning, it's picking up where I left off!

Homeward Bound

I have been thinking a lot about the song Homeward Bound by Simon and Garfunkel. It's a song that I have loved to sing and listen to as I write, since I was young. When I was younger it was a dream about this amazing life that I would one day have that would take me away from drama and visiting family and friends would be something that I looked forward to because it had been so long since I had seen them.

Fast Forward ---> regular ho hum life, with a job I can't stand, the only amazing thing about my life is my husband and my kids. I disappointed myself and let myself go. That is until recently when I began the fight. And it IS the fight of my life. It is the fight FOR my life.

I have been truly blog slacking and for that I am apologetic...I need to do better, not for you, but because it is important to me. But it is a struggle sometimes and at others it feels like blogging, training, and eating right is "going through the motions and that is when a little Simon and Garfunkel creeps into my brain and I hear:

"Tonight I’ll sing my songs again,
I’ll play the game and pretend.
But all my words come back to me
In shades of mediocrity
Like emptiness in harmony
I need someone to comfort me"

and my head replays "But all my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity" over and over and over again, until I start to feel mediocre. I start to feel like I have failed and that I will never be more than mediocre. I thank my lucky stars for all you fantastic weight loss bloggers who keep me motivated and give me inspiration, but I have to admit there are times when I read your words and I feel that mine pale in comparison. I feel that my struggle isn't worthy of this blog.

Oh, but it definitely is...

So here is my brand spanking new challenge to myself...I REFUSE TO LET OUTSIDE INPUT HAVE DIRECT IMPACT.

I haven't been weighing in. I have been eating somewhat right and I have been working out, but the personal struggles that I have faced recently have really hurt me deeply and I can't handle disappointment, so I have been shying away from anything that might further shake my faith in myself. No more! I will weigh myself in this week and every week no matter the circumstance.

So, this damn song is coming off the iPod. I love Paul Simon in general so I am going to forgive him, but I will not forget... ;)

and I am going to move forward from this point on and find that fantastic life I always wanted to be mine...and in some way I guess that means I am Homeward Bound.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

'Glee' Brain

Dedicated to my friend Scott...I suppose I can't help it. I have an affliction and I have lovingly termed it "Glee Brain". I can't go even a second without thinking a song. I know some of you are probably saying to yourselves that you have had conversations with me where I have not belted a single note, but I guarantee that even if you did not hear it, our conversation about the stench in the ladies bathroom...had a Gloria Gaynor background track.

I have always been that way. I am truly a lover of words and, well..words set to music stick with me. While this tends to annoy some and cause a barrage of melody to be stuck in the brains of those around me, it keeps me entertained.

I find it helpful when I am on the treadmill and I have three minutes left to get my head fully involved in a rousing rendition of "Drops of Jupiter" or anything by Wilson Phillips instead of watching the time tick 2:59, 2:58, and so on and so on.

Training has been going well, but the food is on and off. It's like I can be good 2 out of three meals and the one where I am bad...I am bad. I have been under so much personal strain and pressure lately that and I know haven't been completely dedicated to doing the right thing. I try to convince myself that I am still doing better than I was before, but I know that the weight that I have lost comes from the coomplete dedication to succeed. I want to lose more...I will lose more.

I am in the market to buy a treadmill though...any thoughts on good,reasonably priced models?

Then I can burn extra calories and walk my way through every random song I can think of.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

We Falter, We Fail, We Fly

Sooo...sorry again about being so melancholy in my last post. Sometimes things happen in your life and they knock you off your feet or at the very least knock the wind out of your sails. It's easy to blame yourself sometimes, even when you are not at fault. While I still don't want to discuss what happened, I don't want to turn this blog into a religious deal either, but if you are a believer in God then you will probably relate. I found myself blaming God for giving me waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more in my lifetime than one can possibly handle, but after distance and the kind words of a friend, I realized that what may seem soul crushing to you today, may actually be the kindest and most gracious way to clue you in. In essence, it definitely could have been worse.

I have experienced some food failures this week, but I am not going to cry about it. I also experienced some strength in the face of temptation.

Saturday was my daughter's 6th birthday party. We had planned a bowling extravaganza! It was also my nephew's 2nd birthday. My sister in law planned a breakfast at Bob Evans and then on to my daughter's party. Breakfast food is a complete downfall for me. I love it all, eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns, toast, biscuits, gravy, pancakes and believe it or not...the list goes on. Breakfast has been like when I quit smoking...I know I can't do it. It's a slippery slope, once I's over. I did really well though. I had oatmeal, 1 turkey sausage link and an egg.

At bowling, my sister in law served Ian's cake, I refrained. I knew I was going to eat cake was inevitable, but if I could get past the first round, maybe...just maybe I could have a fantastic food day still and I did. Throughout the remainder of the day, I had 2 slices of veggie pizza a handful of Southwestern Ranch Baked Lays (mmmm) and one 2in x 2in slice of cake and I left the yummy goodness that is buttercream icing alone (no convincing could make me eat Crisco and sugar).

Last night, I was back at the trainer. I quickly learned that missing that one day last week and failing at attempting to do anything else at home was hard. Getting through the workout felt a lot like the first day.

I have also decided that if people's bodies gained weight the same way they lost weight, they would be more proactive about not letting themselves gain it in the first place. As I am losing weight and gaining muscle, the areas that are increasing strength and muscle mass are becoming tighter than others. A good example if this is the strengthening of my abs...RIGHT DOWN THE CENTER! It's not funny, but at the same time, I now have what looks like and sometimes feels like a droopy A/small B cup set of breasts directly below my original models.


All in all, I feel better this week. I know that my personal issue is moving forward to resolution and I know that I am on the runway and with each inch that I move forward I am preparing myself to take flight.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Unattainable Goal, Surmountable Feat!

Let's face it, I wasn't going to reach that 4 lb goal. Wasn't gonna happen. Last Saturday's emotional eating was gratefully my only food mis-step. I read the post that I made the goal and I realized, I never fully claimed it either. I wanted it to be mine, but I think after reading it now...I was apathetic.

I did get the workout in on Monday, which I am now thankful for because I went to the trainer on Tuesday, but an issue arose in my life this week that shook me on a personal level and well, I learned on Thursday that some days are worse than others. When you actually have what I will classify as my worst day ever, you learn that no inspiration can get you through them. You have to let the situation get around you and if you are survive. What I am trying to say in a very quizzical (?) manner is that I made a fully self aware decision not to go to the gym on Thursday.

I know that I will be okay though...I am dedicated to doing the right thing.

For me, that's to stay on track and keep moving forward.

My home scale shows a 2 pound loss. Next Thursday, a number will go into the official record, today...I am proud that despite my difficulties the remainder of the week, I did not eat my emotions, and I did not lose sight of what is important.

For everyone else on their journey's whatever they may be...keep up the good work and I will as well, with promises to check back in another day with more positive things to say.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Working It Out

I came home from work and decided that the workouts had to kick in hardcore today if I was going to even come in close to my goal. After all my emotional eating on Saturday, it is looking less likely, but I am gonna give it all I got.

I went to Wal-Mart and bought a white board like we use at the gym and wrote my workout. I tried to make it a total body deal...several circuits followed in between with 3-5 minutes of cardio on the recumbent bike. My workout lasted a full hour. I busted my boot-ay on my own.

I will admit that it felt really weird to do it on my own, but on the other hand...I DID IT ON MY OWN!!!!

This is a major step! I recognize it and claim it as mine. This could be big for me...we'll see!

What Gives You The Right?

Ok...this post is going old school...please sit back and enjoy my commando style rant!

A few posts back I told you about how my friend passed out at work, went all "exorcist" and in my mind anyway, almost died. (She is still doing well by the way) Remember?

Well, this post is should be titled "How Ignorance Breeds Ignorance" or "Give The Bitch A Megaphone She's Bound To Say Something Stupid" (The latter is possibly to long, but whateve).

I have determined that when it comes to weight, people think they can just say whatever they want and it's ok. If you are fat they judge you and can say whatever they want, if you are skinny well then you must be anorexic or bulimic.

As I have been on the path to losing weight, several of my close friends have joined the trail. My friend in the earlier post, she has been on the path longer than I and has got a substantial lead. She began secretly in March of this year. She didn't want to tell anyone because there is the added pressure and other people who always want to throw you under the bus or judge. You know what I am talking about. You are on a diet and someone says "Wow...tater tots...that's some diet."

It became obvious to me that she was doing something, she was looking slimmer and healthier. She finally revealed to me that she had been following Weight Watchers. While WW doesn't work for me, she has been successful at it. She has recently started an exercise program herself and she is now down 38 lbs. Congratulations! I mean, isn't that what you would say? She should be congratulated, losing a significant amount of weight like that is to be commended, right?

Apparently in my office, no. Some people in our office have decided that since she has lost weight and then passed out in the office, it must be because she is starving herself to lose weight in an unhealthy manner. I say people, but I really just mean one ignorant woman and her minions. This master "loud talker" lost a significant amount of "upper body" weight herself few years ago (trust me, she's got junk in the trunk enough to keep the Antique Roadshow in business for quite some time) so she should know how hard it is, right? (I know that was wrong, but I am sooo angry) Funny thing to me is that if she was legitimately concerned she would ask the friends of the person she was concerned about, right? Well, she thought it was more appropriate to question everyone else about it, henceforth starting a rumor that she must have passed out from starving herself.

Congratulations old pal of mine, You have made a tremendous effort, and have successfully shed 38 pounds. In doing so, you have also risen to the cover of the equivalent of our office "OK" magazine. Watch out, Angelina!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

I Love Christie (episode recap)

When I left you yesterday, I was explaining that I was going to come face to face with people from a pivotal point in my past and I wasn't sure how I was going to do.

We join our story right after I hit the "Publish Post" button. I get up and walk into the kitchen proceed to eat fun size Baby Ruth and a piece of cheese danish while I make peanut butter toast, I then eat peanut butter toast. I am not going to bore you with the details, but emotional eating ensued for the majority of the morning. (what a cramp this is going to put on my 4 pound goal for this week?). I think I would have done better, but Jim was running calls for his business all morning, but he PROMISED to be there.

After Jim left it meant that I was now responsible for juggling and dressing myself, the kids, and all Saturday morning errands, which included getting my hair done. Which means this is actually what happened:

In between bouts of emotional eating, I berated myself for emotional eating, told myself that I need to get everyone and myself dressed, but continued to procrastinate until it was too late not to rush. I then overreacted like a fool and started screaming for everyone to "fall in line". We are running out the door with about 20 minutes to get to the bank before it closes and it takes about 19 minutes to get to town. Once there, I NEED to get a haircut and I have about 2.5 hours before facing my past and I have to go back home first and then drive 45 minutes to the reunion.

I barely make the bank and Great Clips is packed. I run into Wal-Mart with two kids and I see that the salon inside is free of customers. This should have been an omen to me, but the salon is owned by Regis so they have to be qualified, right? Apparently not in Jefferson County, MO. I put my glasses in my purse and my daughter had my purse, so I could only see an outline of my hair. I was paying and Autumn's teacher walked by. She was so excited to see her teacher, she dragged her over to talk to me and I noticed right away that she would not look at me. She was polite and excused herself, I got my glasses and took off into the bathroom to see the styling I paid for....OMG...OMG...OMG. (sorry Scott). I am eclectic, sure, but I never intended to pay to look like Edward Scissorhands. I could only think that this needed to be fixed before I walked out into the store, because this hairdo was sure to have me starring on People of Walmart! I get it tamed only to realize that she has cut my hair into a grown out form of a female mullet. GREAT!!!

Get home finish getting dressed check in with Facebook only to see that one of the reunion attendees are not coming, too bad..she was one that would have made me feel more comfortable. Jim calls he is at Incredible Pizza waiting for me. I finally make it to the restaurant 3 minutes late. My sister is standing outside with her son and I see my hubby walking across the parking lot towards his work van...OH NO!! Sure enough, he received an emergency call for the other company he works for and he had to leave. I was heartsick and in tears, he PROMISED me that he would be there. He just kept saying he was sorry, I responded by telling him that I would NEVER forgive him and he drove away. How could I leave now, my sister had already seen me. Totally self conscious, I unpack my kids and head inside. I find my sister has gone inside and she is the only one here. 30 minutes later, she is the only one here. 15 minutes later, guessed it, we are the only ones here.

I ended up having a nice lunch with my kids, my sister, and my nephew. Despite having a good time...I left defeated. Never facing my demons and disappointed in my food failure.

Truth be told, I am going to have to force myself into working out today, because it is the only way that I can prove to myself that I can still attempt my goal.

By the way, I feel really bad about telling Jim that I would never forgive him. I have forgiven him and thankfully...he has forgiven me.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

I Love Christie

No...this is not my daily affirmation.

It is, however the start to a brand new episode of the reality show that can sometimes be my life. Of course, it's sometimes not suitable for network television, it's one that is purely relegated to VH1, because it can sometimes be a massive trainwreck, but it's my life so whateve.

Today is the episode where they bring back folks from my past. Only I haven't slept with any of these people and there are no deep dark secrets to be revealed, I hope.
Plus, we are meeting at a pizza place for kids so there is no alcohol involved either which is 6 of one and half dozen of the other.

I will be attending a private school reunion. I attended there from 9 years old until 12. After that I moved to a city far, far away from anything I had ever known.

This reunion has been planned, cancelled, planned and now finally it's here. Originally, the very thought of it sent shock waves through me. This is the place. This is where all the majorly pivotal points in my life occurred. This is where I went from a child into adolescence. Where I learned that people can be mean. Where people will judge you by the way you look and where you really only have a few (really a couple) of good friends that will get you through the hard times as you struggle to understand your place in this big crazy world. I went into this school a kid full of possibilities and left it a broken person.

It wasn't so much the fault of the school or the kids that went there, but of all the factors in my life that intertwined so there was no separation. Church became school, school became church, and with the introduction of the stepfather, all things became intertwined with home. I ballooned to 150 lbs by 11 and post step father I dropped to 75(thanks to his patented diet: dry lettuce with lemon fish coupled with emotional and physical abuse). My mother's divorce then culminated in our move to Farmville, USA and I made the rebellious decision that has guided me through the last 23 years to NEVER let anyone tell me what I can or can not eat.

Hopefully, this meeting of old friends and acquaintances will be a turning point for me and the only thing that will be eliminated from this episode is a lot of baggage.

Tune in tomorrow for the episode recap!