Strength and Courage

It's funny how everything has been working out lately. In a lot of ways it's almost like this isn't my life. I have been trying to change directions. You know, focus on things that are important to me for once.

It started with the realization that when I quit smoking I accomplished something amazing. I fought, struggled, and continue to beat something that people struggle with everyday. It's something I should be proud of, but like anything else it becomes part of life. My accomplishments seem to bleed into the day to day of taking care of the family, going to work, and the basic grooming needed everyday to pass as a human being. You forget the struggles that got you where you are because you are focused in the struggles of where you are going.

In a very rare moment alone, I stood in the Writing and Publishing section of my local Barnes and Noble looking for some kind of workbook or book of "jumping off points" to spur my creative juices. Cue the Angels singing and bright light. It almost jumped off the shelf at me. It was called "Courage to Write". I have been in this section MANY, MANY times and I can almost guarantee it had never been there before. It was destined to be owned by me. At least as destined as $14.95 plus tax can make it. I opened the first page and there alone was every penny's worth of knowledge. It basically said that writing as well as any creative endeavor is deeply personal. It's not like filling the fry box at McDonald's or filing some pointless Act of God accident claim. It's like baring my soul to my reader and then giving you a sheepish smile and saying "I hope you like it" and at the same time being sure that you won't because I have notoriously bad self-esteem.

This is still like my aha moment. It's not brazen and bold yet, but it's still there quiet and nagging...aha. I like the idea that someone else has felt that. Not only that SOMEONE felt that, but someone courageous enough to write a book about it and gutsy enough to convince someone to publish it and poignant enough to reach me in my favorite aisle of Barnes and Noble.

The idea of being courageous is an eye opener to me. I thought about my life and really started to note all the courageous things I have done recently. I had the courage to quit smoking, I find the courage to update you all on my progress and let you see my lowest lows and hopefully my highest highs. I had the courage to tell you all exactly how much I weigh.

I made a decision that 2010 is my year of courage. I need to be courageous enough to really focus on my weight loss.

I hear it everyday. I say it everyday. "I would like to do...but" I would like to write, but it's so loud and I have so much to do around the house. I would like to lose weight, but I live 45 minutes away from any real civilization and my kids have to be picked up at a certain time and blah, blah, blah... It dawned on me while listening to someone else do this same thing that it was less about figuring out a way to do it and more about listing my excuses to convince myself and to get you
(the collective you) to agree with me and say, "Yeah...I wish it was easier for you, buck up." That thought made me really sad. I do not want to make excuses, nothing is accomplished with excuses.

I made my next courageous decision. I called a personal trainer. I discussed my options with her and got a feel for who she was and told her that I needed to discuss it with my husband.

I sat Jim down and I told him that I have worked really hard to make things easier for him and in the process have complicated myself. This is no longer a partnership, but one person bearing the responsibility and the other living the high life. I told him that I needed HIM to buck up and do the hard inconvenient thing for once and help me with the kids in the afternoons so that I can focus on losing weight and being healthy. I was surprised to hear him say "Whatever you need" without skipping a beat. I am still kind of flabbergasted, but I wasn't going to question it.

I didn't have to call her back, she called me first thing Monday morning and before I knew it, I was making an appointment for a Fitness Assessment the following day.

That was yesterday. I went to see her directly from work for my Fitness Assessment. She put me on a 1500 calorie meal plan and on to test my physical abilities. I did not expect to do well. I am obviously out of shape, turns out that all the work I have been doing in the pool with the kettlebells have already started to pay off as she actually increased the weights twice so I did my assessment with 8 pound weights!!!!

There is something to be said about working with a trainer because I have tried alone and have faltered. It's about being accountable to someone else and for me it was a little bit of a pride thing. There were times I wanted to quit and say I can not do this, but I did not want to give her what you expect from the fat chick. I wanted to show her that I wanted to be there and I had every intention and desire to do what she wanted me to do.

At the end of my assessment she said to me, "Great Job! You are stronger than you think you are." Not stronger than she thought I was, but stronger than I thought I was. She was right.

Here's the deal.. I have signed up and I am ready to make this happen. I go back tomorrow. I hope you all continue to give me your support and follow my journey and I would love to hear about yours. My next courageous task is that I am actually posting my BEFORE pictures here and hope to update them periodically. There is nothing that anyone can say that I haven't heard or thought before.