Sunday, April 17, 2016

Christie and the Color Run


You wake up with so much excitement.  A plan in place, Today is the day you committed to run, walk, or crawl a 5K.

Any self doubt that I have surrounding my ability to complete something of this magnitude comes in the days leading up to the race.  A lot of arguing with myself.

"It's not like you HAVE to do this."
"You paid for it, you better do it! "
"You already told everybody that you were going to do it and if you don't you will just solidify everything that that think about you...you know the stuff they don't tell you to your face."
"What's wrong with everyone's expectations of you being correct?"

Trust me...there are worse things that I say to myself about what I do and do not accomplish on a regular basis that are much more shocking than anything I've put here today.  If you are honest with yourself and others, I'd almost be willing to bet a pile of cash that you do the same thing about your insecurities. It's an inner struggle that I choose to make public so that maybe...just maybe...one day we'll all realize that we are, on some level, the same.  The struggle may be different, but the feelings behind them are the same.  Maybe, upon that realization, we'll all be a little kinder to each other.


Anyway, I digress...

This is the first time that I have attended a 5k with my little family in participation.  I'm usually by myself, with my sister or another family member, and once the fam came out to greet me when I crossed the finish line.  This is a different experience entirely. This comes with an entirely NEW set of pressure.  This is my sixth 5k.  My fourth in 2 years.  In all the run/walks I've been part of, the option to quit was always there.

I never took that option, but it was there.

This time my kids were there, so the pressure was a bit overwhelming.  I cannot quit. No matter what.  At first it weighed really heavy on my heart.  I wanted to be there alone.  I wanted them to walk ahead and finish and just leave me out there to do what I needed to do.  Strangers don't care if you cry.  My family does.  So no crying this race.  Believe it or not this left me a bit unsatisfied.  It's not that I want to cry, but it's a physical, mental, and emotional struggle to deal with hauling 280lbs 3.2 miles.  For the first mile, every time, I can't even catch my damn breath.  It's stressful.  Then comes the self-loathing.

"It's your fault.  You did this to yourself.  Now you want to cry because it's hard."  And you do.

When the determination finally kicks in, you usually have about 3/4 of a mile left and whatever pain you are feeling has to be put aside because regardless of why, when, or how...you have to get back.  You can sit on the side of the road and cry, but when you're done...your still on the side of the road needing to get back to where you started so you can go home.  So, you might as well just keep going and not stop to cry because that just puts you behind and will leave you dehydrated.

My family WAS with me, though, so it was like having to push down all the emotion and just move.  My youngest, Erica, just kept telling me how much fun she was having and Autumn hurt herself and finished on a swollen ankle because she was determined to get her medal. 

And she did.

We all did.

We persevered as a family.

Today.  I hurt.  I hurt so bad.  I know why.  It's because I stupidly thought that I could do this without training and I know better.  I have the Roller Coaster Race on May 1st and I have a lot of work to do in the next two weeks.

So I leave you with this:   

 


5 Reasons To Make The Color Run Your First 5k.
 
 
1. It's the #happiest5k.
It's true.  It really is.  Lots of good music to get you pumped, free swag is thrown out at the starting line, and people are generally pleasant.  We even had some nice runners give our family some extra leis that they had.
 
2. It's not timed.
The Color Run is not a competition.  It's about getting out there and having a good time.  If you are worried about what people will think as you cross the finish line...don't.  Everyone does not start at the same time, instead, they release people on the course in "waves" over the course of an hour.  Since I'm a slow walker.  I try to get in the first wave, leaving plenty of people in front of me and behind me.
 
3. Color Stations.
The Color Run has 5 color stations that will smack you with different colored cornstarch powder as you go through them.  This is an amazing help for first timers.  Instead of worrying about when you are going to get to the end, it is almost encouraging to be at the next color station.  It's a total moral booster.
 
4.  It's just plain fun!
People come out in make-up, crazy hairstyles, and tu-tus.  Lots of tu-tus.  Even on men.  It's a great time where no one is taking themselves too seriously.
 
5. Finishers Medal
I'm not one of those "everyone gets a medal" people.  I don't think that you give all the kids an award to tell them how special they are, but...I bust my hump to complete a 5k and I love the feeling of something in my hand that says "You did it!" (Lots of races give these, but...)
 
Think about it.  Look for one in a city near you.
 
 Follow me on Twitter: @truefictionblog
 
 



Monday, April 11, 2016

Optimism Comes At A Price

I'm learning.

This week we have learned that I can make an unexpected decision.  We are now aware that I can be willing to change my plan for a better result.  We have always known that I can be thwarted by disappointment, but I'm working on that.

As the title says...Optimism comes at a price.  This is why I try not to be overly optimistic.  I try to have a wait and see approach and then if it happens, it happens, but this time I got ahead of myself and let myself go to the place where there was an end in sight.  It's not an easy way out, but it's a legitimate means to and end.  I let my heart get excited about the time frame and when I found out it wasn't going to happen the way that I believed and it left me tipped over, nearly drowned, pulling myself to the bank in the middle of Deliverance.  It took my mind to a dark place where I felt alone, armed with a broken paddle, and in the distance I can hear the banjo.

Da na neer neer neer neer neer neer neer...

Why though?  It didn't have to go to that place...did it?

Go back to any place of success in this blog.  Read the excitement.  Then read the plan.

It might say things like...by this time 6 months from now, I could be under 250.

At no time in the 7 years this blog as existed have I ever seen under 250.

This time last year sans blogging, I was the closest I've ever been 259.  This morning I weighed in at 286.  No long term commitment.

I started this blog in July of 2009 with my so called Day of Reckoning.  Man, was I angry that day!  Why did I stop being so angry?  That is where the fire began.  That moment spent writing everything in my heart with hot tears running down my face.  That should've been my rock bottom.  Every half-assed "I'm back"  should've been a rock bottom.  I'm sitting here today knowing all I've learned about the journey I've been on and realizing that the only possible rock bottom is death. 

You don't come back from that.

I have changed the way that I eat so many times.  A lot of these changes have been lifelong.  This entire journey hasn't been lost on me.  I could give you a lifetime of blogs worth of "despite the perception all fat people are not lazy", I could send you my fitbit tracker information to show there have been changes...so why?  Why am I back to nearly the beginning?  Why am I starting over again?

Let's take them one at a time.

Why am I back to nearly the beginning? 
Consider the work of Dr. Deborah Muoio,  she has done research that she believes proves that there is a cellular memory in obese people that basically boils down to the theory that cells remember being fat. Therefore by literally working your ass off, losing 30-50 lbs, and then stalling out on your program your body in essence freaks out and tries to correct the problem causing you to gain the weight you lost plus additional pounds.  This same theory though, does not seem to apply to those who have lost extreme amounts of weight naturally or surgically.  Is it true?  I don't know, but it could definitely apply to my situation and I appreciate that forward thinking individuals are willing to consider something other than the fact that I am sedentary and eating myself to death. Anyone who knows me can attest to this being the direct opposite.

Why am I starting over again?
If I don't I'm giving up and that is unacceptable.

I have an opportunity to do something I have never done before.  I'm taking it.  It has to be delayed because I need the insurance to pay for it, so I have to play by their rules.

I do not intend to waste this 6 months.  Anything I lose in this 6 months will only propel me to where I need to be on the other side of this procedure.

Today: 286
Tomorrow: Christie

follow me on Twitter @truefictionblog.com

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Road Blocks

Roadblocks are always there to pop up when you least expect them,  Yesterday, I hit my first on my newest journey.

Part of the process in gearing up for bariatric surgery is that the Dr.'s office has a rep that verifies your insurance coverage.  This was not a concern because I know that it is covered as there are several people in my office who have had it done.  When the call came in on Friday, I was thrilled.  This was quick...all I'll need to do now is make my appointment and start the 3 month countdown.

Wrong!

Apparently the insurance company has instituted a requirement to have 6 months of a medically supervised weight loss program in order to qualify.  This shouldn't have been a big deal to me, but it was...it took the wind right out of my sails.  I spent some time bitching about it until I finally convinced myself that before I knew they could do everything so quickly, I was going to put it off until later in the year anyway.  So, this change in my plan was actually my original plan, which felt like the right plan initially.

I'm kind of proud of myself because all the ingredients were there to complete a recipe for disaster, but instead of spending time in self destructive behavior over my self destructive behavior, I talked myself down and realized that this just brought me back to where I was before the seminar.  It didn't and there was no reason for this to set me back any further than that.
And then...when I have my surgery in the last part of the year, I will be in much better shape and that much closer to reaching my goals.

Speaking of goals...

I accidentally skipped my 500 words yesterday.  It says I'm not supposed to try and make them up, but I will.  I've been so good.  I fell asleep, so it's not like I made a conscious decision not to write them, but this soon in the process it feels like a failure.  If there is anything I need, its to feel like I am succeeding at something. Especially those things that are so intensely personal to me. If I am going to follow through with anything at this point...it sure as heck better be something for which I benefit.  I'm not selfish, I swear, but truthfully, I am a thousand times more likely to finish something that I am doing for someone else than I am to really begin anything that is just for me.

The Color Run is exactly a week away.  Now it's the whole clan.  My 8 year old and my mom are now joining us so that adds a level of difficulty.  Last time I did a 5K with my mom, she told me how much she regretted signing up...the whole time.  Erica has never done anything like this and I usually can not get her to turn off the TV long and walk up to her room let alone get her to walk 3.2 miles.  The adults can do what needs to be done, but somebody has to stay and finish with the kids.  I hope that's not me. I hope everyone finishes.

Follow me on Twitter: @truefictionblog
 

Thursday, April 7, 2016

The Seminar

I survived the seminar.

At least I think I did.  It was touch and go for a hot minute.

First of all, I did not want to be there.  My insurance requires it and the Dr. requires it, so it had to happen.  This, of course, was not my first rodeo.  If you have been a lifetime reader of this blog then you know that one of my first posts was about the Bariatric Surgery seminar I attended and subsequently used to make the decision that I was NEVER going to have this surgery.  Fast Forward 5 years and NEVER is now because I want to be able to fast forward to 5 years from now.

I chose to go through the program at Des Peres Hospital in Des Peres, MO because I trust the Surgeon, Dr. Matt Ricks.  Dr. Ricks is the same surgeon that performed my double hernia surgery in November and I survived that so I think I'm in good hands.

Back to the seminar.

I got off work at 4:30 pm and the hospital is 10 minutes away, but it didn't start until 6pm, so I sat in the parking lot and people watched.  People watching really means: Watching people walk in the building and predetermining whether or not they were there for the seminar.  Terrible...I know.  When it came time to me walking in the building, I knew they were figuring why I was there as well, so we're even.

Dr. Ricks was stuck in surgery and he would be in as soon as it was over.

FORTY-EIGHT MINUTES LATER...

I've sat in a room with about 35 people LITERALLY sizing each other up.  Listening to them drone on "If he says I can't have coffee, I'm out of here.  Nothing is worth giving up my coffee."

Really?  I mean...

And this is why I hate weight loss seminars.  Not everyone who is there is ready to be there.  That's ok.  I have been and it wasn't my time either, the difference??  I kept my mouth shut.  I ask actual questions like, "How long is the recovery time for gastric sleeve?", not "If I'm not emotionally ready to go back to work after the recovery time frame can it be extended?" or "I know you said that we will be up walking the day of surgery, but I don't get up and walk today, so is that flexible?"

I just don't have the patience for it.

This was different from my last seminar in one way.  The Dr. from Heart of America Bariatrics was hardcore selling the surgery.  Talking about financing and trying hard to make the sale.  Dr. Ricks was the complete opposite.  His talk was strictly about finding the right procedure for each person and about follow through.  What to expect from 100% buy in and ultimate effort and what to expect if you think this is the magic pill.  (Which I don't)

They advised that surgery could occur within 90 days of this meeting depending on insurance, so now we wait.

I have a plan to wait until the end of summer, but truthfully...he indicated the recovery time was 2 weeks.  I could totally do that in July and still get back on plan for walking and finishing out the summer race strong.

Decisions.  Decisions.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

The Road Ahead

I feel like I am in a constant state of exhaustion


There is so much going on and so much that I am trying to accomplish that for the first time in a long time organizing and prioritizing what I am doing is paramount.

I have been sick for the last week.  It all started on Tuesday last week, sitting at my work desk and I could feel a little tickle at the back of my throat...fast forward to Wednesday morning and I felt ok, but I couldn't swallow. In that exact moment, I knew I had strep.  A quick jaunt to the Walgreens Take Care Clinic and diagnosis confirmed.  I left work.  I had to leave.  I am pretty much the expert on strep.  It hadn't happened yet, but I was about to get wiped out and less than 2 hours later, I was.

This was a huge blip.  A break in the concentration.  A break in the preparation.

In 10 days, Autumn, the hubster, and I will take on the Color Run.  We are beyond ill prepared.  Last time I went out to walk, I barely completed a mile.  I'm still coughing and wheezing...I need a break, but not from walking.

I have taken on the daunting task of completing all these races and being involved in all this activity.  I have a race/walk every other week from now until mid May and I'm adding more.  I plan to continue walking through the season straight up until my surgery which is still TBD.  The purpose is three-fold. 

  1. I am hoping to lose enough weight that I can have the lap-band instead of bypass.
  2. I need to replenish my T-shirt collection
  3. When I am home alone, I like to wear all my medals and name them while I stroke them lovingly.  (sorry, not sorry)
My seminar is tomorrow.  I have to go.  I don't want to go, but it's required.  I don't want to talk to much about it right now because I am notorious for pre-judging situations and building up things in my mind that do not matter and may or may not be based in actual reality.  I can go into further detail once I have actually been to the meeting.

I have cut a lot of my TV time.  This is good for many reasons, but I am finding that I am bad at choosing good television over drivel.  I have made the decision to limit television because TV is what keeps me from doing the things I need to do and it keeps me from writing.  It also makes me eat terribly.

The most recent addition to things on my plate is a 500 word writing challenge.  I am
charged with writing at least 500 words a day.  I found the challenge here.  Its premise is basic, write at least 500 words a day for at least 31 days.  I have been posting the work for the last two days on Facebook, but you are hereby gifted with today's 500 words.  The weight loss is important to me, but this is even more so.  Fat or thin...writing bubbles below the surface.

Wish me luck tomorrow.

Find me on Twitter: @truefictionblog

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Ramblings

I just wrote a half page blog about family and Oprah's temporarily thwarted plot to take over the world and then deleted it for two reasons.


1.  It was too emotional in a way that it sounded pathetically sad and self serving, even to me, and well, who needs that.


2.  Oprah has enough going on since her involvement with Weight Watchers caused the company's profits to take a nosedive and along with it her investment.  I'm sure that she is drowning her sorrows in some province in France known for it's croissants.  She doesn't need me to pile on, unless of course someone can come through with that meme of her riding a bike with a basket full of baguettes and other assorted breads, then it's on.  (Please creative types...I need this in my life)


Now that it's deleted I have to write about something else.


This has been kind of a crazy week.  After a series of hailstorms in TX, I find myself on CAT (catastrophe) duty at work.  Basically, myself and a coworker friend are assisting with settling total loss claims from the storm.  This requires everyday overtime.  SEVEN DAYS A WEEK.   They have been decent enough to let us have tomorrow off for Easter.  While this dedication to my job is not a surprise to any of us here (insert eye roll), it means that I have been eating poorly and I have not been walking. 


My first 5K of the season is 21 days away.  It's the first one with my 11 y/o as well, I cannot be thwarted!  (just so we are clear, that declaration is for when this post comes up in my Timehop in the future to remind me of my amazing resolve and so that I can question where that resolve is now.)  I have to have the resolve to push through and be an example of perseverance.  This is where they get you with this whole parenting thing.  You think you're getting this cuddly baby who loves you like you are their whole world and then bloop...you have to be an example, teach them life lessons and suddenly pretend that you're not totally screwed up by your own upbringing.


Sadly, right now, I don't feel like walking.  AT ALL.  I do not have the fire for it like last year. I have 3 "races" scheduled within the next 60 days.  The Color Run -St. Louis on 04/16/2016, The Roller Coaster Race - Six Flags St. Louis on 05/01/2016, and The Rivertown Run - Washington, MO on 05/14/2016.  It'll get better...endorphins and all. 


Wish me luck or better yet pray for me.


Find me on Twitter:  @truefictionblog

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

The Scoop

This morning, I'm not sure how to feel about my decision to proceed with the consideration of weight loss surgery.


It feels like giving up.


I'm not giving up.


I'm calling it a course correction.  Why?  Well since you asked, its alliterative and I am in love with healthy doses of alliteration.  It also sounds better than "I am totally disappointed in myself and at this juncture my deja vu's deja vu has deja vu."


How does one get to the point of doing the one thing they said they'd never do?
I'll break it down in 10 simple steps.


10 STEPS TO DO WHAT YOU SAID YOU WOULD NEVER DO
AKA: 10 STEPS TO LETTING YOURSELF DOWN

1. Say you'll never do the thing. (This is key)
2. Work really hard at doing the opposite of the thing.
3.Once you really start seeing results, work half-ass at doing the opposite thing.
4. Get tired of your own BS about the opposite thing.
5.Stop doing the opposite thing.
6. Stop doing anything
7. Feel bad about yourself. (This is an important step and can sometimes switch places with #6)
8.( Warning, this is a long one)Watch about 25 episodes of My 600-lb life to solidify that you feel bad about yourself, because these people are more than double your size and they are changing their lives.  Look at what they've accomplished in a year and you have accomplished nothing in 5 or more years of trying.
9. Remind yourself that people think you're great and love you while you also tell yourself that you have them fooled and they can't possibly see that you are truly a failure.
10. Resign yourself to do the thing.


Granted #8 is oddly specific to my personal thing, but it can easily be replaced with Hoarders (shout out clutterbugs!) or something that forces you to be all up in your feelings about both the thing and the opposite of the thing.


Whew!  We work really hard at letting ourselves down don't we?  After I wrote all that out I thought from now on I should just skip steps 2-9 from now on.


I understand the amount of work and dedication that will still need to be in place for this to be successful. 


I have a plan.


It looks like this:

The Plan

  1. Visit the seminar that I've been to twice (because insurance requires it)
  2. Make the appointment with the Dr.
  3. Continue with my program.  Race season is upon us, so the plan is to continue gearing up.  I have races scheduled through May, I am planning on continuing to schedule them through the summer.
  4. Get healthier and go with surgery (unless I get so healthy I don't need surgery o_O )
Anyway, so that's the scoop from my neck of the woods right now.


Feel free to mock me online here or on your favorite social media outlet.


Twitter:  @truefictionblog






Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Look Who's Back (Again)

It's me.

You knew that didn't you.

Damn, you're astute!

A lot has happened since I've been gone (again).

Let's just get the housekeeping items out of the way...

Everything worked out with my job...go figure.  I'm where I have always been and I am sooo grateful for that.  I love my people.  They love me (or they are really good at pretending they do).  I enjoy what I do in the realm of "I have to have a job".  It's not the world's most stimulating work, but I'm generally happy there and if you can't be ecstatically happy, generally happy is a good place to be.

So now that we have established that I settle...

Christmas came and went.  The New Year followed suit and a few days after my dad summoned us all together to tell us he was going to go on hospice.  Yikes!

Since I have been away, there a lot has happened with his health.  He, like myself, was diagnosed with DIABETES.  The big scary MO-FO that it is...  After years of not following the doctors direction and the plan for better health he was faced with an ultimate decision: Dialysis or Death.  He, of course, chose dialysis...as long as he had control over it. 

Just so we're clear...there is no control over dialysis.  It's do or die.  Simple as that.

In January, he'd had enough. 

He had fear filled moments that caused his decisions to fluctuate, but after a period of flip-flopping, he course corrected and solidified his decision to die.  On February 5th, he took his final breath and with it went my hope of a different relationship.

I still struggle with the "decision to die".  Is it suicide?  Is it giving up?

I don't understand.

I want to LIVE more than anything.  I want to take advantage of every opportunity...but I don't.

I am going through with bypass.  Feel how you feel about it.  Doesn't matter.

Did I think that I would make this decision?  Of course not.  I hoped for something better. 

Bypass won't solve my issue, I know that, but it's the only thing I haven't tried.

Until next time, peeps.



 

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Recovery

Today, I am officially 10 days post double hernia surgery.

Slow recovery, but I am recovering.  I am unable to stand for long periods of time and I tire very easily.  This is definitely not the enjoyable, lots of time for writing and enjoying myself, recovery I had planned.  This is I can't wipe my ass recovery. 

TMI?
Nope.  That is the bare minimum of totally embarrassing, demeaning things my husband has had to do for me this week.  God love him.

On the upside, by pushing all my guts back in, and sewing my muscles back together and restraining their sheer force of weight back with a piece of mesh...there is not a whole lot of extra room in there.  I can barely hold a quarter cup of food for a whole day.  This is both good and bad I suppose.  I've already lost 5 lbs.

My surgeon is also a bariatric surgeon.  Which has got me thinking again.  Terrible, I know.

Make a decision and stick with it, lady!

I want to say that I still believe everything I have ever said on the subject, but I don't know if I do.  I have a follow up appointment with him tomorrow and with that I may just broach the subject again.

I'm 40, people.  Time is of the essence.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Disbelief

I can't believe that people are still reading this blog.

Facts are facts, I guess.

Well, lets catch you up on what has happened in my nearly three year absence.

I'm still fat.

Many of you aren't surprised.  Some of you believers...I got you.  I let you down.  I get it.

I got so tired of failing publicly and wanting this to be something it was never going to be, that I just gave up. I've tried at least 10 different incarnations. 

I was tired.

I stopped writing for me and started writing for whatever was going to bring in more followers.

Sorry 'bout that.

I stopped writing about Life Inside the Blubber Sarcophagus and started writing about Life Outside the Blubber Sarcophagus. 

Once, I even dreamt that my success story was featured on Oprah.  I guess that ship has sailed in a big way.  Guaranteed there is nothing in this life fit for Super Soul Sunday.  Nothing here that is ready to inspire you in a big way.  Not yet anyway.

I'm still tired, but for different reasons.

I'm tired because I am 40 years old now.
 I'm emotionally down. 
Real mid-life crisis crap.

I have a job.  A good job, with a company I love, but well, my job role us changing to something that makes me anxious and apprehensive. Along with that change, I feel like I am losing so much.  I'm losing a family that I feel like I worked hard to build.  People who really liked me for being the most honest me EVER.  The one who never pretended to be someone else to fit in, the one who accepted everyone as they were and didn't ask anyone to pretend to be someone they weren't.

There are even deeper personal things that I am losing.  I'm losing time away from my family.  My commute to work will go from 1 hour to 2 hours because of the start time in my new position.  This means that my 1 hour and 15 minute commute will go to nearly 2 hours.

It's not the worst thing.  I still have a job.

So why does it feel like the most soul crushing thing ever?