One Step Forward...

bully [bool-ee]


 a person who hurts, persecutes, or intimidates weaker people

Yeah.  It's gonna be one of those blogs. 

It's raining here in Missouri.  Correction...after that loud boomer, we are definitely in the midst of a Thunderstorm.  With the exception of this year, which has been a crazy weather year for sure.  I have always enjoyed a peaceful rain falling with the occasional rumble of thunder and flash of lightening.  It's a renewal.  A cleansing.

I need a renewal, so it's fitting.

I have been working on a course reversal.  I for some reason have not been able to convince myself to stop the direction I was heading in and get back to where I was when I was successful here.  In fact, I was over 5,000 steps on my fitbit for the first time in a long time yesterday.

Getting there.

I was really excited for yesterday.  It was a jam-packed. 

I met my sis in law early for a event at my nephew Ian's daycare center.  Face-painting, popcorn, give-aways, the kids were in heaven.  Autumn wanted to sign up for a chance to play their version of "Minute To Win It".  Ugh.  Being fat...I try to blend in.  Stay in the background.  Try to go unnoticed.  ESPECIALLY when I am with my kids.  I see the looks, I hear the things that people say about me, I tell myself that I can handle it, but I want to protect my kids from it. Autumn really wants to play.  I see her withdraw more and more in public situations and I see myself in her when it comes to things like that.  It has always been a hindrance to me and I have robbed myself of some great opportunities as a result.  I agree to play.

5 rounds, on a stage, outside, in public.

When it started, the full force hit Autumn.  She tried to back out.  I told her that she could do it and despite my nerves, I walked into it FEARLESS on the outside, CRINGING on the inside.  We accepted every challenge and participated fully (with the help of my S-I-L).  We did not win, but we had a blast!

My kids spent the night with my mom last night.  Being unemployed, It had been so long since I have had a moment without at least one of my kids, I tried to ignore the look she gave me when I jokingly screamed "I'm free" as I drove away.  Did a little party shopping for a couple of birthdays that are coming up and hubby was supposed to plan a date night.

He did not.

I forcibly advised that he was taking  me out, or we were going to the casino.  He jumped out of his chair and was out the door.  We each went with a little pocket cash.  Hubby is an all in kinda guy, which is why, I am an emotional wreck. : )  He is a dream it and do it, worry about the consequences later, balls to the wall guy.  I am more calculate and proceed.  Total opposite. 

I LOVE PENNY SLOTS!  I may never win money, but they are fun and 20.00 can stretch awhile.  Hubster loves roulette!  Not a detail player, he's a red and black kind of man.  Long story short, he somehow walks out of the casino down 275.00 and I walk out with 400.00 in my pocket.  We definitely need to discuss the meaning of pocket cash, but in the end, we walk out ahead.

I have had the best day!  It's after 10 o'clock, I am still out, having a blast with my hubby like old days.  He wants to go to Steak and Shake.  I oblige him.  The place is dead.  We have a nice meal in quiet, reminiscing on old times and talking about the group high school kids that came in after their Homecoming dance. The girls were dressed so beautifully, they guys seemed clean cut. Just reliving memories through them and chuckling at the guy in the white on black reversed suit kid with Justin Bieber hair and aviator sunglasses.  Time came that we had to leave, hubster pays the check, as I hit the restroom before the trip home.

As I am in the stall, there is male laughter outside the bathroom door.  It made me smile, but sad that so much life and youth has slipped away from me.  I miss honest laughter, giggling so hard you can't catch your breath.  As I am washing my hands, one of the boys walks in the women's restroom, I turn, he clearly is intentionally there, but startled that I am not in the stall as he has expected.  He only says "uhhhhh", then a muffled "excuse me" and runs back to his table.  Kids being kids, I ignore it.  I am leaving anyway.  I walk up to Jim.  The kids at the table are getting louder now, their conversation is obviously getting more exciting, I try not to let them grab my attention from my husband who is actually expressing interest in maybe finding something else to do.  We walk out of the restaurant hand in hand, stopped on the sidewalk to finish our conversation and the animation at the table of high school kids can no longer be ignored.  I am outside the restaurant and they are pointing and laughing at me.  They see me glance in their direction, they all start laughing harder, then Bieber puts his hands in front of the glass in an apparent attempt to not be turned to stone by obvious unfortunate looks as the rest of the table laughs and makes OVERLY exaggerated hour glass figure gestures with their hands.  One girl actually spits soda out of her mouth.  Hubster is oblivious. I am embarrassed, ashamed of myself for being.  I tell him that I want to go home. We get in the car, I take one last glance, when my eyes meet with theirs, they all put hands in front of their faces to block my glance, we drive away.

Fat.  The final acceptable bullying frontier.  Some random people stole joy from me last night.  Crushed my spirit and broke my heart.  Maybe it hurt worse this time because I had just spent time, reliving my life through their youth and identifying with them. I wonder now about the intent of the kid who walked into the bathroom.


Now I am just sad.  Sad that people are cruel. Sad that these kids are in for a rude awakening that their parents, school, and extended families have not prepared them for a lifetime of dealing with people who are different from themselves.  Beauty fades.  Real Life Begins.
 
One step forward, two steps back.