Regret Is A Dish Best Served Low-Cal

"Laziness is a secret ingredient that goes into failure. But It's only kept a secret from the person who fails."


-Robert Half

Thank you, Mr. Half. 

I remember the days when I was still working and trying to lose weight.  Oh...it was soo hard.  Trying to work, take care of my girls, find time to work out, finding time to be with my hubby.  Finding time for just me. 

When I started seeing a trainer in September of 2010, I had an epiphany that I made too many excuses.  There is a way to fit getting fit into my life.  Once I stopped spending time creating excuses, I found an opportunity.  So what happened, how did I get back here, and how do I find my way to success?

In all honesty...I didn't stick with my trainer because I got too personal with her and instead of giving me hope when I came in...she looked at me with pity.  About two weeks into starting my training, I found out that my husband had a problem abusing prescription drugs.  I was completely unaware of it, there were no clues, no signs, hit me from out of left field.  I told him to leave.

Training became harder.  I was emotional.  I was betrayed.  I was alone and unsupported.  I had friends who supported me, but some of them were duplicitous and just hurt me more in a time when I needed them the most.  I wanted to fight not only to save my marriage from addiction, but to fight for this thing I had discovered I needed. 

If a trainer is good...they can tell when you're off.  If you're off...they need to call you on it and push you passed it...after all, training is about preparing yourself to overcome obstacles.  In all fairness...trainers are not psychologists.  She asked...I divulged...she pitied me...she pitied me in what she said, she pitied me with her eyes...I could not go back.  I was no longer motivated by her.

I fell into a deep hole.

My husband received treatment, but I had to do this on my own.  I had the drive for a while.  I worked really hard on eating right, kept motivated by my friend,  Laura, who made it a challenge for me by doing what we could to support each other in eating right, working out, and even helped my by challenging me to get more steps in than her everyday.  Plus, I was still training to do the Komen, a goal which I only partially reached because I did not run it. 

Before the Komen, I lost my job of nearly eight years.  I lost the day to day support of friends.  I lost the challenge of keeping up with Laura.  I lost my identity.  The little bit of identity that I had, anyway.  Working was the only thing I was good at.  The only place where I felt dependable.  People could depend on me for a laugh, for honest conversation, and for support.  I am the Queen Mum of supporting other people. 

At home, it was just me and my family.  Hubby freaking out about my job, pressuring me to find another one.  Being a stay at home mom for the first time ever,  I should have felt like the world was my oyster, but I didn't.  I felt alone.  I still feel alone.  I felt worthless.  I still feel worthless.

By the time the Biggest Loser auditions came around, I convinced myself, as unhealthy as that might have been that it was divine intervention.  This was my opportunity to have by myself to focus on myself, to fix myself.  When would I EVER have an opportunity like this?

That came and went and there is still no opportunity. There is still only me...same as I ever was.

No job, no life, back to place holding.

I am working on going back to school, so that's SOME progress...I just need to get out of the funk, ignore the self pity and just move.  Restricting my food intake will only go so far.

I have all the time in the world right now...knowing what I know, why am I wasting it?