Sunday, December 11, 2011

Regret Is A Dish Best Served Low-Cal

"Laziness is a secret ingredient that goes into failure. But It's only kept a secret from the person who fails."

-Robert Half

Thank you, Mr. Half. 

I remember the days when I was still working and trying to lose weight. was soo hard.  Trying to work, take care of my girls, find time to work out, finding time to be with my hubby.  Finding time for just me. 

When I started seeing a trainer in September of 2010, I had an epiphany that I made too many excuses.  There is a way to fit getting fit into my life.  Once I stopped spending time creating excuses, I found an opportunity.  So what happened, how did I get back here, and how do I find my way to success?

In all honesty...I didn't stick with my trainer because I got too personal with her and instead of giving me hope when I came in...she looked at me with pity.  About two weeks into starting my training, I found out that my husband had a problem abusing prescription drugs.  I was completely unaware of it, there were no clues, no signs, hit me from out of left field.  I told him to leave.

Training became harder.  I was emotional.  I was betrayed.  I was alone and unsupported.  I had friends who supported me, but some of them were duplicitous and just hurt me more in a time when I needed them the most.  I wanted to fight not only to save my marriage from addiction, but to fight for this thing I had discovered I needed. 

If a trainer is good...they can tell when you're off.  If you're off...they need to call you on it and push you passed it...after all, training is about preparing yourself to overcome obstacles.  In all fairness...trainers are not psychologists.  She asked...I divulged...she pitied me...she pitied me in what she said, she pitied me with her eyes...I could not go back.  I was no longer motivated by her.

I fell into a deep hole.

My husband received treatment, but I had to do this on my own.  I had the drive for a while.  I worked really hard on eating right, kept motivated by my friend,  Laura, who made it a challenge for me by doing what we could to support each other in eating right, working out, and even helped my by challenging me to get more steps in than her everyday.  Plus, I was still training to do the Komen, a goal which I only partially reached because I did not run it. 

Before the Komen, I lost my job of nearly eight years.  I lost the day to day support of friends.  I lost the challenge of keeping up with Laura.  I lost my identity.  The little bit of identity that I had, anyway.  Working was the only thing I was good at.  The only place where I felt dependable.  People could depend on me for a laugh, for honest conversation, and for support.  I am the Queen Mum of supporting other people. 

At home, it was just me and my family.  Hubby freaking out about my job, pressuring me to find another one.  Being a stay at home mom for the first time ever,  I should have felt like the world was my oyster, but I didn't.  I felt alone.  I still feel alone.  I felt worthless.  I still feel worthless.

By the time the Biggest Loser auditions came around, I convinced myself, as unhealthy as that might have been that it was divine intervention.  This was my opportunity to have by myself to focus on myself, to fix myself.  When would I EVER have an opportunity like this?

That came and went and there is still no opportunity. There is still only me...same as I ever was.

No job, no life, back to place holding.

I am working on going back to school, so that's SOME progress...I just need to get out of the funk, ignore the self pity and just move.  Restricting my food intake will only go so far.

I have all the time in the world right now...knowing what I know, why am I wasting it?


  1. Christie, If there is one thing that I know is I feel the same way you do right now. I knew a year and a half ago when I didn't find a job after getting my Phlebotomy certificate I had to do something so that I didn't fall into the pit of despair, so I went on for my MA. Now that I have graduated from that and am working on my associates degree I am really starting to worry about the fact that things are falling apart once again around me! Albert unemployed again as well as myself(kinda) I have a job, but it is PRN and I am getting no hours. If it wasn't for the saving grace that I am feeling right now with hopes of a job with some hours(might mean working on Christmas, but I'll take it). I am going back to food service because I don't know what else to do to be able to take care of my family!!!! I have that feeling of worthlessness and it doesn't want to go away. I love you and I am here if you need someone to talk to. Your little cousin!!!

  2. This is not meant to be harsh, it is tough love. You write in this post about being motivated by your trainer, by your friend, etc. The hard truth is that you have to find motivation from inside yourself.

    Another person cannot truly motivate you, at least not in a lasting way. You have to reach deep inside yourself, examine your reasons for becoming more active, and if those reasons are significant, decide to commit to it.

    Then, make it non-negotiable. NO excuses. No matter how bad I feel (and I have fibromyalgia) I force myself to work out for at least twenty minutes every day. I tell myself if I still feel horrible twenty minutes in I can quit. I always keep going, and feel better once I have done it.

    I think daily workouts are critical to building our self esteem as well as to losing weight. String a few days together of working out and I guarantee you will feel a psychological boost.

  3. One more thing: since you have the time to train, why not register for another race? That is an excellent way to motivate yourself because it puts a hard date on the calendar to work towards. It sounds like this worked for you before with the Komen so why not go for it? You CAN do it!

  4. I don't disagree with TNTriathalete at all. Perhaps saying that I was no longer motivated by my trainer were not the right words to use. When someone is looking at you in pity, it's hard for them to PUSH you appropriately because they are looking at you like you are a sad case. I needed a trainer who would PUSH me past this point. I was paying her to PUSH me. When you are standing at the edge of the abyss, you want someone who can say "Run, you can run the edge." You do not want to look into their face and read "Shit...she's gonna fall in."
    I have to do this by myself, I get it. I know. I can't handle where I am in my life right now. I need help. I need support. I may never get it in a way that will help me. I have to figure out a way around the way I feel. I am my obstacle. I know that. I appreciate tough love, I know you are right. This is an emotional journey more than a physical one and until I get that straight, the physical is always going to struggle. Tough love is always welcome here. It's better than no love at all. Ifnotmethanwho...Apparently God is screaming at me again.

  5. Ah, I understand what you mean about your trainer not pushing you. Thank you for explaining.

    I know there are a lot of things in your life you can't control right now and that are super stressful. I empathize completely, I really do.

    Try giving yourself a small goal. Move your body for ten minutes today. Don't worry about tomorrow or the next day. Just today.

    I know that when I am stressed (like lately) exercise is the only thing that helps quiet my mind, if that makes any sense. When I am working my body I am forced to live in the present and take a break from the worry. And though I've never had a runner's high (I think that's a cruel myth runners came up with to lure others in) the lightening of my mood usually lasts for a while afterwards.

    In fact, I was seriously thinking about skipping my workout today due to some problems. Now I think I will try to force myself after writing about how I know it will help me. So YOU helped me today. Thank you Christie.

  6. It is hard isn't it.
    Its very understandably hard and every person blogging about their weight loss is writing about something they find hard.
    Its daily minute changes and there is no other way than to spend a long time doing it and that daily grind is hard.
    Hard, hard,hard
    But as they say being fat is also hard, and depressing and unhappy. Every day you do the right thing is one day nearer being thinner and fitter, healthier and happier. If you think back to an event you were at say 6 months ago, it feels like no time. In a few months from now you can make enormous changes one day at a time. It is hard and at times horrible especially when life throws other challenges at you. Better by far to face those succeeding at the diet, it would help you feel good.
    I DO understand

  7. Christie, did you get some exercise in yesterday? I went for a swim. If you didn't manage it yesterday, today is another great opportunity.

    I hope you are feeling better.

    Take care,

  8. Oh, wow. Life can be so challenging at times, can't it? Yet for all the down, and I do mean down, times I've had, I've learned that somehow we get through it and the sun shines again. Bless you and your family. I hope the New Year brings you some special blessings.