Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Fake It Til You Make It

If you are friends with me on Facebook or you follow me on Twitter, you might have read that my hubby and I took a "daytrip" to Davenport, IA on Saturday.  The purpose of the trip was to pick up sewer equipment that he bought off eBay.  We shipped one kid off with Nana and the other off with Gigi and set out on the 6 hour journey to Davenport. 

Alone at Last!

Its been a long time.  When you are a couple with kids...sometimes you can't even say 'Good Morning' without being interrupted, so to have a chance to just be together, even if it is just being stuck in a car together for 12 hours.

My hubby has a one track mind.  When he was younger...I am sure that it was pointed in another direction, but these days...Its the sewer business.  He lives and breathes it and rightly so.  After losing his job two years ago, he sunk every penny we had into it, so there's a lot of pressure on him to make it work.  There are a lot of long hours and he sacrifices time with us to support us.  It's a double edged sword. 

Eff the sewer business and get a damn job! 

Sometimes I feel that way.  While he is out doing that...I am doing everything else...   Alone. 

Then I look at all he has accomplished in two years.  I see where it is heading and I take a step back.  I just hate that he can think, talk, or dream about nothing other than the sewer business.  I tell him that all the time, but even a conversation about my needs seem to always lead back to the sewer business.  Hrmpf!

I bring this up only because of my broken heart. 

It officially broke when I saw my husband of 13 years smile for the first time in over a year.  Yes...it's true...over a year.  The corners of his lips took an upswing when he realized he won a 1700 gallon tank in an online auction.

"It wasn't personal", he said.  He said I was exaggerating. 

There it was.  It wouldn't go away.  He could tell it hurt my feelings.  He "felt bad", but that damn smile was like a dagger through my heart. 

I had to let it go or it was going to drive me crazy.

All night and into the next day, as I was "letting it go", he just kept smiling at me.
 "Why are you smiling now?", I SNAPPED. ( I am not kidding...I went into MACH 5 neck roll)
He replied. "You say I never smile, so I am smiling."
"So you're smiling just for the hell of it?"
"No...I am smiling so you can see it."


When I saw his smile from that point on...it kind of made me giggle. 

It wasn't because of anything...It was for me.  An effort.  Before I realized it...I was smiling.  Smiling, smiling, smiling, on our whole trip....smiles.  For the last four days...smiling.  (Chuckling in fact as I write this) He's still smiling too!  He told me on our trip that he loves me, but he had forgotten how much he liked me.  That may sound cruel and would have normally crushed my heart and sent me running into the arms of Little Debbie, but it didn't...because it means that he now remembers.

I am telling you this story because my life is still the same.  I have hundreds of little fires that are still burning.  I am still 150 lbs overweight.  Nothing is different, yet everything is...I feel happier.  I feel inspired.  I feel like moving past difficult crap.  I feel like living.

I owe it all to a fake smile, that isn't so fake anymore!

Today's spark:  Remembering that I like me too.

1 comment:

  1. Too f-ing cool. Love this post...even if you did rediscover each other in Davenport Iowa (really???)...I'm smiling as I write this, too...I guess it is contagious!