An Explanation

I have received an outpouring of support from a lot of you who read not just here, but on Facebook, and Twitter.  (I have been Twitter crazy lately, but it's been fun so whateve) You guys are a definite boost to the self -esteem and I have appreciated it more than you will ever know.  Y'all are my peeps and I love ya.

The last few weeks of my journey have been interesting, some may argue different, but definitely not the same as my journey up until this point and while I will confirm again that I am DEFINITELY not crazy.

I appreciate the kind words with regards to my pursuit of televised weight loss victory, but while I have the determination to see this thing through, the one thing it offers that I don't have is perhaps the one thing I will never have in my "real life". 

Sequestering.

Some of you are moms and will understand that it is super difficult to work out in the presence of children.

That's why I appreciate bloggers like Chubby McGee and how she has powered through and while I am sure that it is difficult for her, she keeps on going.

Some of you live hectic chaotic lives and will understand it when I say that while I am surviving and I continue to survive, sometimes the drama gets to be too much and you just want to give up and that's when I appreciate bloggers like Ash at Breathing Through Chaos.  Who has A LOT going on in her life, but keeps moving forward with courage and determination.

As things continue to compound in my life.  No job after almost 4 months, my severance and my unemployment running out one in two weeks and the other at the end of September, The realization that after two years of blogging that I am only down a total of 7lbs, because at some point I had to gain nearly 23 MORE pounds in order to lose nearly 30 (which is like a kick in the gut EVERY TIME I think about it). 

I took on the responsibility of my husband's business long before I lost my job.  I did it because it was necessary.  When he lost his job in late 2009 (a week before Christmas) to be exact, he took every penny in our safety fund and bought equipment to run a sewer cleaning business.  He did this a month before we moved into the brand new house that we built where HE wanted to build it (which is WAAAAAY to far away from civilization) and moved into a very expensive house payment (we owned outright before).  My job has supported us ever since, so when it went into the toilet, I accepted my severance and knew that I had a limited time to find a job.  I knew the economy had crapped out, but y'all...I HAD NO IDEA. 

Over 60 applications, two interviews, and one job offer that offered me about 1/3 of what I was making before.  (The other was not interested) A job that paid less than unemployment and would require me to dip into MY retirement fund to supplement the daycare expenses that would be incurred by accepting said job. 

So, here I am no job, life spinning out of control.

I really felt like I needed the sequestering.

I could acceptably walk away from everything, work on me, then slip right back in and handle my challenges one at a time. 

SELFISH?  Sure. Who isn't selfish once and a while?

Crazy?  I don't think so.  I have given up more than half my life to make sure that everyone else is ok, has what they need,and have assisted in making their dreams come true.  In my this short life, this blog is the only thing I have done that is completely for me.

This my friends was more than a journey to the Biggest Loser.  It was an act of desperation, a momentary glimmer of hope, a mirage of what my life could be...of who I could be.

I can still be all those things. 
I can achieve all those things on my own.

It will just take A LOT more time.

Just because there are NO QUICK fixes does not mean that some things can't come easier than others and in my life...my time does not belong to me.

Even as I write this, I am on the phone researching evictions, so that I can self-evict non paying renters with my hubby breathing down my neck about it.

I weighed in this morning at 286.  Heart-crushing, soul-aching, ego-breaking 286. 

I'm tired, my friends.  I'm still here...but I'm tired.

Now...as soon as I hit publish post...I will get calls from family.  They will call each other and talk about their concern for me.  About how I just seem so down and desperate, but for all their talking...there are still no answers.  Oh they'll have solutions, but it is easy to offer solutions when you don't live someone else's life.  They mean well...but the discussion just makes me hurt more, makes me feel more desperate.  So...if you are thinking about picking up the phone and calling me...please don't and if you are sure that I don't mean you...you are wrong...don't pick up the phone.  Written comments as always ARE WELCOME AND APPRECIATED.

This is just another mountain to climb...I'll get over it.  I always do.