Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Soul Searching

SO...I guess I'm back. 

I tried to go somewhere else and work on other formats and be something else, but in reality this space is me.  This is who I am.

My sister has disowned me...she'll either get over it or she won't.  Making peace with that has allowed me to realize that I am not going to censor myself for anyone.  Family or not.

I have not only gained back all of my weight.  There is nothing left to say about that.  I have been depressed over everything and I had again decided (introspectively anyway) that I was worthless. 

Quitting before I can fail, so that I don't have to feel like a failure has backfired and I have failed by default.

I was giving my sister in law a pep talk the other day when for the first time EVER, someone stopped me and called me on my crap.  Not that what I was saying was crap, but that I am more than happy to help everyone improve themselves and somehow I feel like I don't deserve it. 

She was right.

My secret is out.

Truth is, I have a big, close family, but as close as we are...I have always felt like I was floating, out on my own, tethered to no one, responsible for them and myself, but no one supporting me.

I walked myself into a marriage that was just the same. 

Don't get me wrong...hubby started to realize and he has since tried to be more supportive of the things that I want and need, but it's been a slow go.  A struggle, if you will. 

I am not going to cry about the weight gain (even though I am extremely disappointed).  After all, it is just a symptom of a larger problem.


  1. I'm glad you're back. I have found that people you 'meet' here come to matter and when one goes away, you miss hearing about them and then worry they are not ok. I know it is hard, I've been down this horrible road before myself and we all know, you CAN dust yourself down and start again and make changes. You just have to want it really badly, more than you want to eat the wrong foods. I hope i can be a friend who supports and encourages you along that road. I have appreciated every kind and supportive word myself

  2. Well first off, welcome back, and I know how you feel. Failure is definitely easier to face alone. You know you can't fix yourself if you don't think you are worth fixing. I don't know you 'in real life', but I can honestly say that I believe you deserve to be happy, fit, healthy. I'm pulling for you, and will help you however I can. I'm not always the best role model, and I don't pretend to be, but I am your fan, and there is not one ounce of me that doesn't think you can do this.

  3. I'm glad you're back. I understand your disappointment about the weight gain. It seems we can do it when we're ready, but what gets us ready is the great mystery. In the mean time I think we just need to keep on...
    Did your sister actually say she was done with you, that you aren't sisters anymore, or is she just mad at you, really mad? Whatever the case, you cant control her actions or reactions, you just need to do what is right for you.
    Maybe we can get back on track together...

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