Monday, August 15, 2011

"I'm in a Glass Case of Emotion"

Me too, Mr. too!

Dr. Phil says (once an episode) that you teach people how to treat you.  Funny thing is that I think I was taught to teach people how to treat me poorly.

I have been super angry at my mom this week.  I am trying to let it go and to be clear...I LOVE HER VERY MUCH.  I try to walk with an attitude of forgiveness, but here's a Biggest Loser moment I haven't talked mom.  She flip flopped on whether or not she wanted to go.  My step father did not want her to go.  She decided that she would go out for it anyway and then discuss it with him again if the possibility became reality.  This was a last minute decision.

The line up was as follows, Myself, my sisters Suzanne and Victoria, and my mom.  The three of them live relatively close to each other so somehow they decided that they would ride together.  In my concern that narcoleptic Suzanne and Vicky would decide not to come, I paid for a hotel room on the mall property (Remember unemployment...).  I got there about 8pm and was going to immediately go to bed for my 1 am line check. 

Time dragged on...countless calls between my sisters and I not knowing what was going on with where my mom was and what was taking so long...they finally made it after about 10:30.  I was now wide awake and an unhappy camper as I paid $129.00 plus tax for a room I wasn't going to get to sleep in at all. Plus both of my sisters had some sort of upper respiratory thing along the lines of tuberculosis that I am quite sure would have rendered an iron lung useless.  It was a night of hacking, bed shaking from hacking, and inexcusable butt trumpeting.

My mom decides, almost immediately that this was perhaps a mistake for her...I try to encourage her to do it and see how it goes, but the flip flop continues.  My 1 am line search confirms no one jockeying for position at this point.  I try to sleep for another two hours.  My 3 am line search confirms about 10 people.  I call the hotel and recommend that my sister prepare the troops for battle.  I get back and mom decides she's a no go for the tryout.  She does however make a statement that she will be the drink girl and the line placeholder.  In my mind...I think she shouldn't try out if she doesn't want too, but I appreciate that she will stay to support us.  Almost as soon as that thought is completed, she decides to bail.

Bailing means more than her just not being there.  It means that because she decided to drive two of her adult children to this thing and then just leave them high and dry.  No...not high and dry.  Because SuperChristie was there to make sure everything was A-OK.  SuperChristie needs no sleep.  She can stay up straight over 30 hours, standing in line for 6 hours, interviewing for an important event, drive an hour out of her way to make sure that everyone is safe and sound and then manage to limp her tired ass back almost another 40 minutes and try to lull herself to sleep with a little Project Runway.

I thought that I was able to reconcile all my childhood feelings as far as my mom was concerned.  This has opened a gaping wound for me.  I am forgiving.  I am forgiving.  I have forgiven, but it has given me a HUGE insight as to why I can not seem to follow anything to fruition, Why I have no problem giving up something I really want when it interferes with something that someone else wants.

Call me crazy, but I am not ready to give this up yet.  I am making my video this week.  And it looks like I am possibly off to Chicago to try this thing ONE more time.  Well, maybe two more times...I am already pricing flights to LA in case I need one.  Not going down without a fight.


  1. Great attitude. You CANNOT control the behaviour and attitude of others no matter how much you want to, or you try to.
    You haven't quit, nor let people down.
    You are not going down without a fight.
    Keep THAT attitude and whatever goals you have that are in your control, you can achieve at.
    The things not in your control? Accept they are not.

  2. Fantastic attitude! You are doing everything you can to attain a goal for yourself, and believing in yourself in you dogged pursuit of it-that's amazing! I hope you get it in Chicago!