Sunday, March 6, 2011

Walking The Tightrope

My obesity is a mental disease. (MINE..I am owning this not casting dispersions to yours or some random person you know)

Shocking? Not to me. Everything I have ever done to get to my original 308lbs was done out of hurt, fear, and rebellion. Every last pound was owned by some "thing" that happened in my life. Some experience that forever changed my personality make-up, and damaged me psychologically and emotionally. Some way that I was deficient. I may not have ever been deficient. It was/has been just my perception of my deficiency. Like...why can't I do what they can do? Why can't I have what they have? Why can't people love and honor me the way other people love and honor Joe Schmo? I have never hidden that I am broken. I got too tired of trying to paint the picture and convince people that I was just fine not being able to do the things they were doing. I wasn't interested in your hiking, boating, camping excursion. Yes....I wanted to go. I always wanted to go, but I didn't want to hold anyone back because I would be the dead weight. Then everyone would talk about me (in my mind) or make exceptions/exemptions for me and I would feel inadequate.

Always with the inadequate.

I turned to food. Because potato chips and cottage cheese made me feel secure like it did when I sat and ate it with my grandma at her kitchen table. Because I just wanted someone to stand up for me at some point and not let random people treat me like shit. No one ever made me feel like I was worth fighting for, but when I would have a down moment in my life...I could sit down and put something in my mouth. Have you ever tried to cry while eating? Doesn't last. You will choke. It's comforting. It's calming. My life has NEVER been calm, so go figure that I would attach myself to something that is calming.

I have sooooo been trying to course correct. I have been working very hard. Even when I fail, falter, or cheat...I just haven't gotten strong enough to win in those moments, but I am getting there.

Why am I having my pity party on a day that I can report a loss? (Especially when I just recently told a friend that "pity parties suck because there are no guests and the hostess is a drag") Because my entire journey is a balancing act. I get a good couple of steps in and I am rockin' and rollin'. The Greatest American Hero theme song is blasting in my ears. (Dating myself again) "Believe it or not, I'm walkin on air, I never thought I could feel so free-e-eeee, flying away on a wing and a prayer. Who could it be? Believe it or not, it's just me"

It's just me? Me? Alone? Well, crap. When am I gonna fall? If it's just am I gonna do it? (SOOO STUPID)

Today, it hit me in a string of conversation that was not intended as a jab at me, but because of another unfortunate outside and completely RANDOM comment, I felt like the butt of a private joke and that was not okay with me. But what's a girl to do? Lay down and die. Wait for someone to stand up for me. No. I addressed it, then felt stupid, because I was being overly sensitive.

I then turned to my "old faithful" NEW "old faithful", my recumbent bike. 30 minutes. Then the tears fell. Not because of the comments. I had worked through all of that already. They fell at the overwhelming thought of how fragile I really am.

People always say..."you are so strong" "Look at all that's happened and you made it through" "I am amazed at how much you can handle", but deep inside I am still that little girl who needs to know that she is loved and that no matter what happens...everything is going to be ok. Sometimes...I just need for someone to step in and say..."you know what? All that stuff you are carrying...seems a little heavy for you right now, let me help you." Sometimes...I just need to break down and that's what I did right after 30 minutes on the recumbent bike.

Sorry for the downer's just on my heart right now.


  1. Never apologize for a downer post. Its an emotion, and sometime you gotta get it out. I agree with you completely. MY extra twenty pounds is a mental disease.

  2. I agree with Dani - never apologize. I know I use my blog to vent, too, so shit, chica - vent! It may, in the end, help you out. And also aid others to reach out a helping hand. But I do know exactly what you mean - people always go on about how strong a person is, but they never seem to remember that even though that may be the case, they still need love and support, too.

    And, well, I frickin' <3 you, Christie! =D And, of course, I suppose you.

  3. Aww Christie, you are having a rough night girl...No apologies needed...this is YOUR place, YOUR with it whatever makes you feel better!!

    I know what you mean and what your feeling...wish I could give ya a good hug and have a girls night out...

    Here's to hoping you have a better week=)

  4. I agree with Dani. Never apologize for being the real you. That's the you I like. I wish I could cuddle the little girl in you and make it all better. And I bet you're not "overly sensitive." That is usually a technique people or bullies use to allow themselves to behave badly...(just sayin'). Keep at it Christie. This too shall pass.

  5. Christie,

    So sorry you are having a down day. I agree with the others, this is your place, you say and do here what you need to say and do to move you along on your journey.

    Darla hit the nail on the head, that "oversensitive" line is one that people use to try to justify their inappropriate actions or words. However you feel about any situation is o.k. Don't chastise yourself for however you feel. Hiding or denying feeling is not something that is healthy for most people.

    Your question "Have you ever tried to cry while eating?" hit me right between the eyes! Wow, profound!

  6. One of the great things about blogs are being able to unload because you can. Its therapeutic.

  7. I'm new to your blog - but will be following because everything you have said here is completely real. I so get loads of what you say....eating to comfort instead of crying, looking to the outside world like a woman but feeling like a child. We've all had days when we've felt like that but you've captured it in better words than I ever could. I appreciate this is a bad day...I can't wait to see you on a good day as your words are just great. Hope tomorrow feels better

  8. This post brought tears to my eyes. I wish I lived in your street as I'd have come round and given you a great big hug.