Everyone has seen the poster of the "Hang in There" kitten, right? I think it is pretty synonymous with grade school and the Scholastic Books order form. I'm pretty ancient these days and I actually think my book order form came in my Weekly Reader. (Do schools still use those?) I went to a private Christian school from the fourth grade through the seventh and instead of the kitten, we had a little dirty (filthy even) girl with a grumpy look on her face and a huge hair bow that said "God don't make no junk."
If you can look past the double negative in that phrase, you can find truth in it. If you believe in God and you believe that he created the heavens and the earth, then you believe that he created you.
I am a believer of that statement. So...my powers of deduction would lead me to believe that God made the earth, he made the trees, the rivers, the flowers, the sun (all of which have brought me a lifetime of enjoyment). Why would I believe that he fizzled out on me? Without really saying as much, I have treated myself that way my whole life.
In my last post Brendalyn commented: "I so admire the fact that you hold on to how you feel, rather than what a picture, or something else that isn't reality may or may not look like. I wish I was more like you in that I wish I could see a picture and think "well that isn't what I thought I looked like" but just go on. I'm sorry to say that it would derail me! I love that you know that you are a beautiful woman and a beautiful person!!"
First of all, Thank you Brendalyn for your kind words, but it does derail me. It hurts me with everything I have inside. It causes me to wallow and then doubt creeps in, I feel inadequate, and I look for comfort. In the past, I have found that comfort in food.
Recently, I realized that I, personally, do not have an eating disorder. I do not have a weight problem. Oh..I am clearly overweight, but ultimately, I have a math problem.
In my head... Christie = a BIG FAT ZERO. Which doesn't make a whole lot of sense if "God don't make no junk."
In short, (if that's possible at this point) if I feel great and that changes when I see myself in a photo, than that does not compute in a way that I will no longer tolerate. I wouldn't let someone else treat me like that, so it can not be acceptable to treat myself that way. It's not easy and I have to remind myself daily(kind of like the I love myself challenges that are going around). Realizing how easily my perspective changed when looking at the photo was the kicker. When it comes to people...I am the most important one in my life. Sound callous? It's not. If I can't be there for me, my kids and my husband are getting the short end of the stick, because I am not giving them the best me possible.
What I didn't tell you yesterday is that the picture and the dress launched a whole new challenge for me. I am calling it "Crunch Time" I started with 50 crunches and 50 side twists (each side) with a pilates ball for two days, then every other day...I add 10 more..so I am up to 60 today and tomorrow, I will be up to 70.
I will look as good in that dress as I feel in that dress.