Monday, March 14, 2011
You know what's really weird?
I thought I was smiling in this picture.
I clearly was not.
<----I bought this dress, because I like this dress. I loved it on the hanger. I loved it in the dressing room. Granted...it IS a little tight right under my bewbs, but I LOVED THIS DRESS and I wanted to have something that I LOVED TO WEAR. I came home...I put it on and my hubby said "Wow, you look really good in that dress." I asked him to take a picture of me in it, to show all of you. I thought, I was smiling. I clearly was not. I saw this picture and I definitely wasn't smiling then either. In the mirror...I don't look like Fanny Frumpelstein at least not when I look at myself. When I tried this dress on in the store and I looked in the mirror...I looked like the picture of femininity. I felt pretty. Hubby said I looked great! I think I look awful in this picture. Why did I think I was smiling? LOL! I may sound depressed, but I really am not, it's comical to me how I had an entirely different perception of how this was going to look and how it really did. It just reinforced to me how my inside is soo much different than my outside. How my perception of how the outside world should see me is so completely different from what I must be portraying.
A few years ago, an odd girl at work started a rumor about me. She told people that I was a devil worshipper. She said that she saw me under an overpass with some chicken feet and blood. This is clearly the most ridiculous rumor I have ever heard about anyone...let alone myself. I told myself not to even worry about it. People have to know that she is off her rocker. Could anyone really believe that I...little old me was a purveyor of the dark arts? Well, they did and if I look like this when I think I am smiling...I totally understand why...lol.
My point in all this is two-fold.
First of all...I don't care if I look like hell in this dress because in it...I feel on top of the world. Wearing this dress and having that feeling is a major component of this whole journey. Being healthy, being active, and being confident in myself. I refuse to let this picture take that away from me.
Secondly, when it comes to me...the only perception that matters is mine. Sure, I want my family and friends to think good things about me, but they know more than just this shell I live in, they know my heart. From here on out, I want my actions, the person I portray in public, to be based on me, not on some sense of who a normal person is...not some persona for your enjoyment. But me. Because I am wonderfully made.