When I first started this blog, I was a mess. I got into a fight with my husband over a "yeah, right" type of comment that he had made about me proclaiming that I was going to make an effort to lose weight. I was hurt and angry. I remember the feeling of desperation that drove me to make the call to Heart of America Bariatrics and the hurt that made me respond to the receptionist's basic "and how much do you weigh" comment with "I'm pretty much a fat ass." (LOL at that now) I had never READ a blog in my life. I knew about them, but honestly I had a jaded view of them. What do I have to say that could possibly reach anyone who would understand? I found Blogger.com through a Google search. I just started letting it spew and the anger...what can I say about the anger? It was pure raw emotion. EVERY POST. Sometimes I go back and read them and laugh about how I was fooling myself and trying to fool any potential reader that I WAS committed to succeeding. Sometimes, I cry. It's been a LONG journey to here, but I am still that same girl. Wanting nothing more than acceptance and for people to look past this body and find value in who I am. The BEST NEWS...I HAVE FOUND VALUE IN WHO I AM and that makes all the difference. (Of course, I still implode ALL the time...tee hee hee)
While I am no where close to where I need to be (weight wise...I'm still in the same ridiculous range), I have accomplished so many things that have brought me to this place where I ACTUALLY BELIEVE I can make it happen this time. So...I'm less of a mess. I am no longer a smoker and I have over 18 months under my belt. That was a tough experience, but I no longer see people turning into cigarettes or see 1940's musical number performed by dancing Ultra Lights in my dreams. An accomplishment of which I am proud!
As long as I have been able to put pen to paper (cause I was born before the home computer), I have loved it. I have written volumes of poetry about unrequited love and not being good enough general teenage angst written on scraps of paper and countless notebooks. Stories and more stories. I know (thanks to people who have me write all their unique party invitations for them) that I have a talent for string a few acceptable words together to achieve a desired reaction. What I don't have is the confidence. I'm broken...in case you haven't noticed. The trouble is...so is everyone else, just in their own way. I am not more uniquely broken than anyone else. I have just been lazy and have sat back and refused to pick up the pieces all the while the cracks turn into fissures and I just fall apart. Blogging changed all that for me. I can express myself here and I WRITE. Which fulfills a hugely important need for me. You kind people, so generous with your time actually come here and you read it. Day after day...you support me and I hope that you feel that same support from me. I want me to be better, but you make me want to be better as well. Thank you for that.
This is my 98th post. This next week (maybe even this weekend) I will reach a secret goal to hit 100. Time to celebrate. Celebrate a goal and a continuation of a journey that will be sooo worth the rewards. I will be having a give-a-way. First the rules. You must be a public follower of my blog and post a comment to my 100th post within one calendar week of it posting (It will be titled 100th Post)! One lucky reader will walk a way with a copy of Lisa Lillien's Hungry Girl Happy Hour Cookbook filled with fantastic low calorie recipes for your next celebration (I feel like the announcer from the Price is Right), a $5.00 gift card to Subway, so's yous can eat fresh, and a $25.oo gift card to Amazon.com courtesy of moi. Contest open to US and Canada only (sorry yo, shipping is expahnsive) This prize package is worth $30.00 and a book! (lol) Winner to be announced 1 week after 100th post and will be selected by randomizer! Thanks again for being a GREAT group!