Dear Little Dudes,
Right now, Erica is saying, "I'm not a little dude, I'm a big dude".
It's hard for me to explain how much love I have in my heart for you. It is overwhelming at times.
I never thought I would have kids. I never thought I wanted them because as a child for me life seemed cruel. I grew up thinking that there were no guarantees in life and if there were they almost certainly fell to the negative. I had decided that it wasn't fair to bring a child into strife and pain.
Then I grew up. Not the kind of grow up that you think. One day you will grow up and you will say "I'm grown up now, I get it", but guaranteed this kind of growing up is still years beyond you. I realized that I am a product of my environment and any kids that I have will be a product of theirs as well. Unlike when I was a kid..I have some input on your environment and it's my job to keep you safe.
Autumn, I worked so hard for you. I don't regret one single minute of testing and medication. I am thankful that you showed me that when you are at your wits end and you are about to give up, you might actually be on the verge of something great. You were that something great. You ARE that something great!
Erica Bearica Boo. First off..stop sucking your thumb!
You have shown me that despite the fact that I think I have myself all figured out, I don't. No matter how much I think I can control...I can not control everything. You have re-taught me the joy of laughter and the refined art of sarcasm all in a glance. You are my sweet irony. My "me" reincarnate. You..will test me. To be clear...I will win. ;)
I promised that I would get myself together when you both were born. I would never let you know the pain of having a 'fat mom'. I never wanted you to be embarrassed of me. You guys made it too easy on me, you showed me unconditional love and I got lost in that for a while. I lost sight of why it was important to me. With the lessons that you have taught me about perseverance and letting go of control, I am on a new path now and one that I hope will make us proud. One that I know will lead us to the day when stories can begin with "Remember when you were F-A-T?" (and thank you Autumn for spelling it out because you think it hurts my feelings and I am sorry that you have taken the role of my protector in that regard.)
I am going to succeed this time, because you need me and I need you.