Another Goal Nears...

When I first started this blog, I was a mess. I got into a fight with my husband over a "yeah, right" type of comment that he had made about me proclaiming that I was going to make an effort to lose weight. I was hurt and angry. I remember the feeling of desperation that drove me to make the call to Heart of America Bariatrics and the hurt that made me respond to the receptionist's basic "and how much do you weigh" comment with "I'm pretty much a fat ass." (LOL at that now) I had never READ a blog in my life. I knew about them, but honestly I had a jaded view of them. What do I have to say that could possibly reach anyone who would understand? I found Blogger.com through a Google search. I just started letting it spew and the anger...what can I say about the anger? It was pure raw emotion. EVERY POST. Sometimes I go back and read them and laugh about how I was fooling myself and trying to fool any potential reader that I WAS committed to succeeding. Sometimes, I cry. It's been a LONG journey to here, but I am still that same girl. Wanting nothing more than acceptance and for people to look past this body and find value in who I am. The BEST NEWS...I HAVE FOUND VALUE IN WHO I AM and that makes all the difference. (Of course, I still implode ALL the time...tee hee hee)

While I am no where close to where I need to be (weight wise...I'm still in the same ridiculous range), I have accomplished so many things that have brought me to this place where I ACTUALLY BELIEVE I can make it happen this time. So...I'm less of a mess. I am no longer a smoker and I have over 18 months under my belt. That was a tough experience, but I no longer see people turning into cigarettes or see 1940's musical number performed by dancing Ultra Lights in my dreams. An accomplishment of which I am proud!

As long as I have been able to put pen to paper (cause I was born before the home computer), I have loved it. I have written volumes of poetry about unrequited love and not being good enough general teenage angst written on scraps of paper and countless notebooks. Stories and more stories. I know (thanks to people who have me write all their unique party invitations for them) that I have a talent for string a few acceptable words together to achieve a desired reaction. What I don't have is the confidence. I'm broken...in case you haven't noticed. The trouble is...so is everyone else, just in their own way. I am not more uniquely broken than anyone else. I have just been lazy and have sat back and refused to pick up the pieces all the while the cracks turn into fissures and I just fall apart. Blogging changed all that for me. I can express myself here and I WRITE. Which fulfills a hugely important need for me. You kind people, so generous with your time actually come here and you read it. Day after day...you support me and I hope that you feel that same support from me. I want me to be better, but you make me want to be better as well. Thank you for that.

This is my 98th post. This next week (maybe even this weekend) I will reach a secret goal to hit 100. Time to celebrate. Celebrate a goal and a continuation of a journey that will be sooo worth the rewards. I will be having a give-a-way. First the rules. You must be a public follower of my blog and post a comment to my 100th post within one calendar week of it posting (It will be titled 100th Post)! One lucky reader will walk a way with a copy of Lisa Lillien's Hungry Girl Happy Hour Cookbook filled with fantastic low calorie recipes for your next celebration (I feel like the announcer from the Price is Right), a $5.00 gift card to Subway, so's yous can eat fresh, and a $25.oo gift card to Amazon.com courtesy of moi. Contest open to US and Canada only (sorry yo, shipping is expahnsive) This prize package is worth $30.00 and a book! (lol) Winner to be announced 1 week after 100th post and will be selected by randomizer! Thanks again for being a GREAT group!

Am I Built Ford Tough?

My hubby's a Ford man through and through. Most of the men that I know are partial to a particular brand of vehicle. Personally, I think this is ridiculous! If you like the car, buy the car! Right? Jim says "NO WAY! Fords are built tough." That's right Jim, it's right there in the commercial. Why..it's so true they made it a slogan for their trucks. I, on the other hand, do not agree with Jim's opinion. Of course, I have reasoning!

1. 2000--- My 1987 Ford Escort (manual transmission..um because I ROCK a stick shift). Leaving work everyday, it would start a little electrical fire upon ignition. Jim's solution: Get going to a good speed and it will put itself out. (NO JOKE...I drove that car for two years like that)

2. 2006 Ford Focus just at 90,000 miles. Defrost doesn't work and neither does the Windshield Washer Fluid. It can make SEEING where I am going in poor weather (when it's most important)rather difficult.

3. (and most importantly) Jim and I once had a conversation (that he denies today) where he responded to a material request of mine with "When Pig's give live birth." To which I replied sarcastically with "Yeah, because they LAY eggs." and he deadpan responded "Pigs lay eggs, right?" Oh geez, I love that man!

I realize that the last one had nothing to do with Ford, but it mostly reflects why I may question my husband's opinions or beliefs.

The fact of the matter is that this entire post is a deflection.

I'm trying to hide that I had a horrible day and I 'consoled' myself by going to McDonald's for dinner. It wasn't pretty. I feel strung out like a drug addict. I don't want to move. I want to sleep. I am embarrassed by it and I am ashamed. I tried to nap, berating myself for my downfall and then it hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. I know better than this. WHY DID I DO IT? I don't know and questioning it is fruitless and delays the steps I need to take to MOVE ON from it. It was one day. It was one meal.

To answer my title question....yes, I am built Ford Tough! In the mean time..enjoy these quotes from their Founder, Henry Ford:

"Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently"

"Even a mistake may turn out to be the one thing necessary to a worthwhile achievement"

Baby, We Were Born To Run

Mr. Springsteen...you lie.

There are sometimes when I am on the treadmill and I think to myself..."This is just not natural." Tonight was one of those nights! I was on the treadmill for about 6 minutes when I figured that I just CAN NOT keep going at this pace with the treadmill everyday. I stayed on for 10 minutes, less than half of my regular time. I knew if I was going to go light with the RUH-NANG...I had to compensate somewhere else.

I did about 5 minutes on the heavy bag split between jabs/cross-cuts/and gut shots. I have to admit I am on my way to the gun show! Which is only funny if you think that guns have these unsightly bags that hang from them. (Maybe...just maybe they're for holding ammo?)

I did tons of ball crunches. (A Ton = about 60 *on this blog and subject to change*) Ball crunches are my all-time fave. NO REALLY. I like them because it is easier for me to do crunches on the ball and they still work without the back and neck pain.

I finished it off with another 10 minutes on the hamster wheel.

Yesterday, when I said I was trying to get everyone used to my inevitable failure in running the Komen. I don't mean that I will fail and that I won't do it. I am still working towards this goal EVERYDAY. Everyone I know, knows that I have been working really hard to reach this goal. Running, carrying 287lbs is no easy feat. I do it in intervals. A minute to a minute fifteen 4 times a mile. It is hard work, but it is getting easier. I am able to recover from those intervals more quickly and I have been able to extend them for a whole 15 seconds, which believe me can feel like forever sometimes. I know, eventually...I will reach this goal. I know that I am improving and I feel the difference (a freedom almost) in the way that I can move and whether I knew it or not I MISSED IT. I CRAVED IT ( and I thought I was craving French Burnt Peanuts) I don't want to give it up...the fact of the matter is that in order to reach the goal that I set for myself...I need to run fifteen minute miles. This requires me to travel at 4 miles per hour. I am 5'2"(if I'm lucky). I feel like I am sprinting at 3mph. Were my eyes bigger than my stomach here? Did I bite off more than I could chew? Have I set myself up for failure? I am more determined to prove I can do it, but these are legitimate concerns that I have. What does it mean for me if I try and I fail?

I was watching a special on E! the other day about Katy Perry. Katy had a failed album and 2 cancelled record contracts before she became the Katy Perry that we all know. Before she uttered the words "Maybe your reason why all the doors were closed, so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road".

SO...I've decided that if I fail miserably...I will become the Katy Perry of charitable 5ks until I find one that I can Rock!

I'd rather be....

I just came up from my run tonight. Hot and Nasty....smiling. I remember days not that long ago when Hot and Nasty felt, well...nasty. I didn't want to exert effort...it felt terrible. I am not going to lie and say it's not terrible anymore, but it's less terrible. I can LOVE it in a way because it's the little sign that my body gives me telling me that I am putting in the work. Laura (my friend) and I both have the fitbit now and we are in constant competition for the most steps or how many "active" leaves are on our activity flowers. (It sounds like your mom's sex education code, but it's not..I promise). It keeps me putting in the work all day long and I APPRECIATE it and her for being a support, a motivation, and a driver. We haven't always had a close relationship, but I have had the best time supporting, motivating and being genuinely happy for each other!

People outside of the blog world tell me that I am inspiring them to get out and do something and in turn they inspire me to keep it up. It's crazy. When they say that I always think "Please don't look to me for inspiration, I am one step away from binge eating french fries and watching 12 hours straight of some Real Housewives marathon (It really DOES NOT matter what city).

Why do I do that?

Well, in all the years I have been a professional self-analyzer (sorry...I am not taking new patients) I have never figured it out. Then, in a conversation about how I am really not interested in running (yes, I was actually trying to prepare those around me for my upcoming and expected failure)...I had an epiphany. I am the only one who can comfort me. I am not sure if it started out of necessity or if I am just too damned independent minded, but I am the only one who I KNOW will still be with me when I inevitably fail. I will be there when I cry until I talk myself out of it and I will be the one to say "It's ok...if others are affected or let down...eff them. They're not me. They don't live in this body." Then I will wrap myself in a hot, melty Cheeseburger Blanket and sing myself to sleep with Cherry Cobbler lullaby. When some people are down, they surround themselves with a support system. I surround myself with more ME. (which really is not as fabulous as it may sound).

I started this blog nearly two years ago and I am actually only down a couple of pounds from then. Seems like I failed in a way. Then I remember...in almost two years time, I have experienced so much. I now live smoke free after an embarrassing 19 years (I am only 35...that is sooo sad), I went to a personal trainer. I puked from eating bad and working out! I am running. (and I WILL CONTINUE TO RUN *even though I hate it a lotta bit*) When I first started blogging I was constantly concerned with what people thought of me and how people's words and actions have hurt me. Today...I returned from walking with Laura after lunch...I had to make a quick jaunt to the break room for some water. I heard behind me someone make a comment about someone being sweaty and nasty and that it was "typical". I don't know who it was or if they were talking about me, but I've decided that it doesn't matter.

(Which gets me back to how this started....)

I'd rather be walking to the break room sweaty and nasty then to continue to sit at my desk fat. I would rather be walk/running the Komen in June than coming up with an excuse why I can't.

I would rather be thin :o), but then....I'd probably just be a bitch. :o)

O-fficial Weigh-in results

Without sounding all DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince "drumroll please". (for all you youngsters)

My official number 287.4. This a 4lb loss since 02/14/2011 and an amazing 6.6 lb loss since 02/11/2011. I can't even fathom in a normal weigh in week how that's possible, but after watching come down since the 11th, I now know that it IS possible.

This leads me to another change...I had Jim do my measurements yesterday so...I will be tracking them here as well, but I am super limited by time in the mornings before work, so I will now be weighing in on Sundays. That will allow me to post and go on and on and on and on about the changes.

;) have a great day world! I know I will.

Turkey Chili Recipe

You asked for it...You got it!

I make this in a 5 quart crock pot.

One 40 oz can of Brooks Mild Chili Beans

One 15 oz can of Light Red Kidney Beans (drained)

One 15 oz can of Dark Red Kidney Beans (drained)

1 can Original Rotel

1 can petite diced Tomato

1 15 oz can of Tomato Sauce

1 medium yellow onion (diced)

1 medium green pepper (diced)

1 lb Ground Turkey 85/15 (it is harder for the white meat to stay moist)

2 Tbsp garlic powder

1 Tbsp chili powder

Empty all cans into Crock Pot (on High) or Large Pot w/Lid (Low/Medium)

Add 1 TBSP chili powder and half of garlic powder

Brown Onion and Ground Turkey together in a medium skillet w/the other half of garlic powder. Once browned, drain and add to pot.

Let Simmer stirring occasionally until hot and serve!

I prefer to make this in a crock pot because I can brown the meat, onion and garlic on my food prep day and place in a Ziploc bag and have it ready. One the day I am going to eat it, I can put it all in the pot stir it up and leave on low and come home to a nice warm dinner (Yay, working moms!) The longer this dish cooks, the more the flavors meld. I don;t know why, but this chili is ALWAYS better the next day!

Through my shrewd research and calculations, I have figured that this chili has approx 224 calories per cup and about 4 grams of fat. Enjoy! (I know I did)

WTH?

I was all braggin' on myself earlier...what is going on with me this afternoon/evening?

Jim, the kids, and I went grocery shopping earlier today. I would've gone by myself, but it's a lonely endeavor and a crazy one if I have the kids in tow, so I was super pleased Jim agreed to go with me. He keeps me company and he keeps me focused (he LOATHES Wal-Mart)! Those are the pros.

The cons? When he comes with me...ALWAYS over budget and tons of junk food. Still...I am cool, right? I have this all under control. I pick up some 100 calorie snack packs, sugar free jell-o (gelatin and pudding), and some nice fresh fruit. I am good to go.

Halfway through shopping, Jim suggests that we eat lunch at the Blimpie's located in Wal-Mart. I have never eaten Blimpie's, despite the fact that they are apparently "America's sub". I figure, it's a sandwich, it's set up kind of like Subway...how bad could it be?

We finished shopping and headed over to get our 'sammich' on and I was thoroughly perplexed by their menu. I ordered a ham and cheese for my youngest. My oldest wanted meatball and so did Jim. I stood there thinking "mmmm meatball" (remember the spaghetti incident) then I thought I NEED to get something else, something unbeef and something less fat like turkey. I picked out the Turkey with provolone and I was pointing right at it when I heard myself tell the girl "12 inch meatball on wheat". I thought to myself "what am I doing? Tell her you made a mistake" But after not trying too hard to convince myself that I would just be making a spectacle I half-heartedly sat with my family to eat.

As I ate...this was the conversation in my mind:

"MMM Meatball...I mean, come on a day is gonna come where I have got to be able to eat like other people...lay off yourself, it's one sandwich one day, it's not like you got chips and/or a cookie too...it's probably not even as bad as you think"

Let me tell you...it was worse. 1140 calories for that sandwich. I ate practically my entire days calories in one sandwich. I only ate 3/4ths of it, but it doesn't really matter. If that were the worst of it. I could end here and tell you "onward and downward", but it's not.

We rented movies. Jim cracked his snacks open. A box of Entenmenns Chocolate Covered Devil's Food Donuts. I hate these donuts! Too much chocolate and I think they are nasty, but oh my...from across the room. I could smell the chocolate and I knew I had to have one, but he was just bragging about me and talking about how proud he was that I was REALLY doing something. This mission...just became covert. I brought my camera strictly for surveillance purposes. I found the donuts on the shelf in the pantry.

This is pretty much what they looked like

When I turned them over, I saw that Jim

had pretty much attacked them! I

decided to check the label, as you can

see...I have issues with that.

Well, that and an addiction to every flavor of Cheerios.

It's hard to see in this photo, but it says 1 serving is 1 Donut

There are 8 servings in a box. They are 300 Calories a piece!

My husband just ate 1800 calories worth of donuts in 20 minutes

or less, he ate in excess of my entire days calories and he is not fat.

How does that happen?

I looked through my selection of 100 calorie snacks still

in shock about the hubs.

Eventually, despite my earlier downfall, I decided to drown my sorrows

in Key Lime pie

fitbit Week One

If I told you how much I weigh today I would ruin Monday's weigh in. I would also ruin the surprise! I have had an EXCELLENT weight loss week this week. Who am I kidding? I have had AMAZING weight loss this week.

So who gets the credit?

Um..me, of course. What did you think I'd say? I have stayed on plan. I have been crazy active! I found lots of usable "chat with co-worker" time at work to chat while walking the halls and across the skywalk vs. standing(who am I kidding), um, ... errr.. sitting in cubicles and talking. I was able to take my sedentary office job and use them to find away to get 2 to 2.25 extra miles of walk time in during the day and did it just by utilizing my trips to the bathroom(walking to further facilities) and my breaks to walk the "track" style hallways and skywalk!

What's different? While all the effort was mine, a good deal of the drive came from the use of the fitbit and it's website. It has really driven me to be more active. Seeing a tally of the actual calories I burn in a day vs what I put into my body is an excellent way to stay on track. My calorie intake has been between 1200 to 1500 calories per day (which I keep track of on their website) and by seeing what I burn. It has driven me to be more active EVERYDAY! My average daily calorie burn has been 3000 calories. On a high calorie (1500) day that's a 1500 calorie deficit. That's a projected loss of nearly .5lbs a day!

I am super excited! The difference in ME this week has been crazy good. I have been active, I feel good (despite hubby issues earlier in the week), I have caught myself grinning for no good reason. People at work who LOVE me for being snarky have said "Why are you smiling?" and instead of revealing my secret master plan of monitoring the self-destruction of the manager corps I have had to respond with a chuckle and "I don't know". But I do know. Armed with the information, at this point...I feel like the only thing that can stop me is me. (Which has long been the problem, right?)

It's been quite a week!

I start this off with an apology to my husband. I didn't have faith in him to do something romantic and he tried really hard this year and got me the charm you see in this picture. He gave it to me Valentine's morning and told me that I held the key to his heart..very sweet! I felt completely guilty as this made me feel as close to my "grand gesture" as I thought I would ever get.

I wish that it's 'charm' would have lasted throughout the day, however because after a long day at work, I came home to find that his mood turned sour and I was the enemy. (oh the joys of loving someone with bi-polar disorder) To be completely and frankly honest, It ruined my day and has had massive impact on my week. He has apologized and I have forgiven him, but it was such an odd turn in behavior over a matter of hours that he was sleeping the majority through (he had worked overnight) was a surprise, unexplained and completely directed at me that despite resolving the issue, I am still walking on eggshells. Anywho...this destroyed any semblance of being loved and appreciated that I was feeling earlier in the day. This may sound dramatic, but it almost felt like a cruel joke. Like...you can be happy now, but ohhhhhh later is when I'll get ya (life, NOT my husband)

On the food front, I have had a banging week! Today is the first day that I have been over 1500 calories. (1504 to be exact) It has not been hard, it has actually been simple. I haven't felt like I am denying myself anything. I have even had (wait for it) CHOCOLATE! Twice. (They were Hershey's kisses and they were CONTROLLED portions) Needless to say. I am loving the fitbit. Their website is fantastic and the goals in different areas are motivating. The little bugger itself is motivating. I have been walking at work and getting lots of exercise. Seeing exactly how many calories my body is burning everyday keeps me on the straight and narrow and helps me better understand what needs to be done to lose weight.

AND I AM LOSING! I don't want to give it away before weigh-in Monday, but I have crossed a zero!

Komen training still ongoing. My best mile time is now 20:30.

My new goal is to be a more consistent blogger! This week has been hard to fit it in, but if I could figure out a way to be short and sweet that might help :)!

Dear Little Dudes: A Valentine To My Kids

Dear Little Dudes,

Right now, Erica is saying, "I'm not a little dude, I'm a big dude".

It's hard for me to explain how much love I have in my heart for you. It is overwhelming at times.

I never thought I would have kids. I never thought I wanted them because as a child for me life seemed cruel. I grew up thinking that there were no guarantees in life and if there were they almost certainly fell to the negative. I had decided that it wasn't fair to bring a child into strife and pain.

Then I grew up. Not the kind of grow up that you think. One day you will grow up and you will say "I'm grown up now, I get it", but guaranteed this kind of growing up is still years beyond you. I realized that I am a product of my environment and any kids that I have will be a product of theirs as well. Unlike when I was a kid..I have some input on your environment and it's my job to keep you safe.

Autumn, I worked so hard for you. I don't regret one single minute of testing and medication. I am thankful that you showed me that when you are at your wits end and you are about to give up, you might actually be on the verge of something great. You were that something great. You ARE that something great!

Erica Bearica Boo. First off..stop sucking your thumb!
You have shown me that despite the fact that I think I have myself all figured out, I don't. No matter how much I think I can control...I can not control everything. You have re-taught me the joy of laughter and the refined art of sarcasm all in a glance. You are my sweet irony. My "me" reincarnate. You..will test me. To be clear...I will win. ;)

I promised that I would get myself together when you both were born. I would never let you know the pain of having a 'fat mom'. I never wanted you to be embarrassed of me. You guys made it too easy on me, you showed me unconditional love and I got lost in that for a while. I lost sight of why it was important to me. With the lessons that you have taught me about perseverance and letting go of control, I am on a new path now and one that I hope will make us proud. One that I know will lead us to the day when stories can begin with "Remember when you were F-A-T?" (and thank you Autumn for spelling it out because you think it hurts my feelings and I am sorry that you have taken the role of my protector in that regard.)

I am going to succeed this time, because you need me and I need you.

Love,
Mommy

Weigh-In News

Just a quick note!

First off Happy Valentine's Day! Secondly...My weigh-in this morning was 291.4! So, still higher than when I started, but after last weeks weigh-in I am generally happy (not to mention that friends at work know I was FREAKING out because On Wednesday, the scale read 296.1 and I was really starting to become disheartened! I am down approx 3.0 from last Monday!

Onward and Downward!

Dieting, Training, and the Valentine's Monster

Welcome to another episode of my life. It has never been nominated for an Emmy (unfortunately the acting is just ok ), but it can still be a wildly entertaining dramedy. I am kind of in a weird place today because I spent a lot of my morning catching up on my blog readings and they always make me think. Some have wavered this week, but are back on plan. Some are on a positive track forward ( I count myself among those this week). Some are busy deflecting (no names). I personally, do not have a problem with people deflecting on their blogs because it kind of clues me in that something may not be going 100% in the right direction, but the fact that they are keeping up with updates lets me know that they want to keep traveling on the path. Face it...we've all been there.

I am doing really well with the fitbit. I like it. Well, so far. There is one little glitch that bothers me. It does an automatic update any time you are within 15 feet of the base, but only if you are logged into the internet. As I have mentioned many times that much to my chagrin, I live rurally, the only way to have HIGH SPEED internet is through an air card. I am convinced that somewhere there is a hamster running on a wheel and when he quits...my internet goes down. (hmmm...if the internet could be powered by my treadmill, would I run more?) So in order to get it to sync I have to power down the entire computer and restart ..ugh. At this point though, it is really a small price to pay for data, data, and more data.

I haven't been talking about it, but I am still training for the Komen. It is turning out to be a much bigger task than I thought. I have seen no real progression in times and I HAVE been trying. I am able to stay at a higher walking pace for longer periods of time, but the running is increasingly more difficult. I looked at C25K for treadmill and I physically can not run as many times as required in 30 minutes and the recovery times in between are nowhere near long enough. I have decided to just plug away at it and try the program again in about three weeks. Maybe by then I will have crossed a big enough weight hurdle to see an improvement. I took a sneak peek and the scale now seems to be moving in the right direction.

Valentine's Day...ugh! Honestly people, Disney and childhood ruined everything for me in my adult life. I LOVE my husband and in our 17 year relationship we have crossed many, many hurdles. We continue to cross them everyday. My husband is not responsible for my weight, so I want to make it clear that I am not saying that in anyway, but I have struggled my entire pre-adolescent and adult life to validate that I am worthy of something good...anything good. I am a romantic and I want romance. My husband is a good and loving man, but he is anything but romantic. He tries, because he knows that I want him to try. Which is sweet, but it is never that big, gigantic, romantic gesture that I thought would be part of my life at some point and that moment alone would bond us in 'forever love'. This I blame solely on Disney. You never see the part of Cinderella where she is alone in the castle while Prince Charming takes the dogs our hunting. Or that part in the Little Mermaid where Ariel cries to Flounder that if Prince Eric had to choose between her or beer that he might choose beer. (Oh wait...that might only be my life). He won't buy me candy so I am good there. Every once in a while, he will send me flowers to work, but then he will ruin it by jokingly saying something like it gets him off the hook for the next few years. He tries, but nothing is up to par for me. The problem is me...not him, which is usually why you will find me in Wal-greens the day after V-day buying the 50% off box of Turtles and eating them in the car on the way home.

Not this year.

Just A Little 'bit' Fit

It's been a long week...

I had another snow day on Thursday and well, have I mentioned that I am tired of them? I was on my way to work, packing the kids in the car to go to daycare and the sitter, respectively, when the phone rang. Yes, it was an all too familiar number. I picked up and gave the courtesy 'hello' just so that I could hear that robotic male voice on the other side of the line stating "The following message is from School Reach" (This man's voice angers me like an old boyfriend that once borrowed my car while I was working and then failed to pick me up for 5 hours after my shift) I let out a loud, "You have got to be KIDDING me.", but by that time he had 'handed' the phone off to his lady friend to give me another recorded message telling me there was no school."

Can't they alter that message? For once, can I pick up the phone and hear "We are truly sorry that for the safety of your child we must cancel classes today, we know that this is an inconvenience to your careers and ability to make $$ to feed said kids, but perhaps since you live in a rural area you can spend today teaching them to live off the land." (Cue the banjos) Who am I kidding? I went back in and took a LONG nap. I do want to acknowledge that normally, I have a backup plan, but unfortunately the sitter that watches my daughter had a death in the family this week, so it fell to me.

Things have been so busy this week, I have neglected checking in...but I have been on point and on plan.

I also purchased a little bit of activity motivation. The fitbit wireless personal trainer. (http://www.fitbit.com/) I have been wanting to purchase something that helped me track my activity for a long time...I had researched the bodybugg and I wanted it, but grappled with the expense. (Almost $300.00, if you purchase the optional wrist display/heart monitor) In case I haven't mentioned it enough, we are broke, but I still had decided against my better judgement I was going to do it. Then Thursday afternoon I came home from work and there was a pop up message on my Facebook page from a friend who recently purchased the BodyMedia (which is similarly priced to the bugg and they both have subscription fees as well) that said "Have you seen the fitbit?"

"Why, no I haven't?" I replied out loud to myself (which I do a lot), but I have seen it now and it was reasonably priced at $99.00. Ladies you can wear it on your bra and it tracks your movement, acts as a pedometer, activity meter, and calorie burn tracker. It has a helpful interactive website that syncs the tracker to your information, your height and your weight to give you an accurate burn rate. It also does a fantastic job of making you aware of your calorie deficits which should predict over a week, how much weight you will lose. I love it so far, but I have only had it for less than 24 hours, so it's still new, but I will keep you apprised of it's value on my journey. I am going to try to write more later...a lot going on and this post is LONG enough!

Food Bullies or The Tale of the Sausage Roll with a Bacon Grease Kicker

*Grandma---this may not be your favorite blog*** WARNING IN ADVANCE

My thoughts have begun to meander back to the early beginnings of my blogging days. Back when I was hurt and overly sensitive to people's ignorance. Now random people's comments seemed to hurt less because I was as equally indignant.

Before:

Random Stranger, "Here comes Fatty McFattenstein, her mouth is open and her hands are empty. Tie down your children...she looks hungry!"

Me, (Runs Away Crying Hysterically)

After:

Random Stranger, "See Lady McLardass on the treadmill, that ProForm is never gonna be the same."

Me: "Listen crackhead...go talk about someone that is not in the gym busting her rump." {BEAMS WITH PRIDE}

I mean enough is enough, right...I am working my butt off here..(literally)

....then it happened. I came to work completely prepared for the week. I brought everything to work to ward off any possible miss-steps. A package of Multi-Grain Sandwich Thins, Smart Balance Peanut Butter, Different varieties of Yoplait Light (mmmm Cherry Cobbler).

I put everything away. I walk with a co-worker to the cafe to toast my bread and Bitchy McManbutt comes walking by and proclaims as loudly as possible "Did you know that there are lower calorie breads that are better for you and have less fat?"

To which I reply..."I like these." (lame comeback) Now this is not someone who I discuss my weight, or weight loss, or healthy eating with at all. Just some random, run of the mill, 'I eat rubbery chicken breast plain with a lettuce leaf and cucumber water' heifer that needs to mind her own business.

I sit back at my desk and I begin to schmear the PB on the bread. 1 tablespoon in total. We are talking about a total breakfast of 295 calories with the Yogurt. She decides to stop back by and lay into me about the peanut butter to which I reply "It's Smart Balance" she goes on and on about 16g of fat and blah blah blah..." I can only say I am only eating half a serving so it's 8g only 1.5 sat fat, and a great source of Omega 3 fatty acids." Then I look away.

People have said some really cruel stuff about me over the years...mostly they think I can't hear them, but I can.

This was worse than any of it. It was embarrassing in the workplace. It made me ashamed of something I shouldn't have been and it was just down right rude.

She has since apologized and informed me that she has struggled with her weight and she was just trying to be helpful. I have accepted her apology, but it still stings. My point is that I could be twice my size sitting at my desk eating a ROLL of Sausage and washing it down with a Bacon Grease kicker, but I'm not and if I were...it's my decision and it's STILL none of your business and to interject yourself into my life without an invitation is RUDE.

I will lose weight. I will be thin (or thinner) one day, but I am making a promise not to food judge or be a food bully. I've learned the hard way.

Until Later People!

Riddle me this, Bloggers.

Today's weigh in...295. WTF? I have been on track both with activity and calories. The only thing different is that I have not been getting my water in this week and with all the snow and such, I have consumed copious amounts of Diet Dr. Pepper. Can this actually account for such a CRAZY increase when I know I have been good. For example, yesterdays total calorie intake was 1356.

I am off the Pepper for good, just looking for some response to whether or not this is plausible. My blood sugars have been elevated this last week as well, but my family has been sick for like the past month, so I just assumed that it was related.

I'll be back later. Thanks for any and all input.

Sunday Morning Breakfast

I don't know why I am sore from my run last night, but I am. This sucks because, of course, I am in for my 3.1 today. I am gearing myself up for it.

I woke up this morning and felt like falling into that same old, we have guests, make big breakfast. I have told you before about my LOVE of Breakfast. Then I asked myself, why do I think it is hospitable to clog the arteries of people who are visiting my home?

"Welcome...Your room is upstairs on the left. You will find towels and wash cloths in the linen closet as well as fresh soap. Please ignore the tornado of toys that will no doubt be littering your path. Please step carefully as my insurance has a high deductible. We serve breakfast promptly at 8 and it will consist of the normal daily allotment of calories for a 6 ft tall uber active male and you will reach your fat content for the day. See you then."

Those of you who think that eating a big breakfast starts you off for the day and allows you to feel full longer and throughout the day would be mistaken. A University of Munich Study, after following 380 people (280 were obese and 100 were of normal weight eating a variety of breakfasts from skipping to small to big meals in the morning) found that those who ate large breakfasts consumed on average 400 calories more than those who ate a smaller breakfast. The results...(insert drumroll) The people who ate the big breakfast consumed 400 or more calories per day than those who did not.

It did nothing to curb their appetite throughout the day at all.
What is a Big Breakfast to you, though? I asked a friend who told me that the felt that for comparison sake that a breakfast combo meal was a "normal" sized breakfast. Then I asked what about like a McDonald's Big Breakfast and I was told...."It's right there in the name, Christie...BIG Breakfast." Then using the terms I have learned over years of watching Top Chef I said "Aha!, but the Big Breakfast is just a regular breakfast combo meal 'deconstructed'."

This is crazy:
McDonald's Big Breakfast 578 calories
McDonald's Deluxe Breakfast 1197
Denny's American Slam 1028 calories and 87 grams of fat
Sunday Breakfast at my House *don't judge (2 eggs over easy, 4 strips of bacon, 2-3 pancakes) 1103 calories

Granted...I have not made one of these breakfasts in a LONG LONG time, but I have in the past and I was going to serve it to my guests this morning until I realized that there was NOOO way, I wasn't gonna eat it too!

Instead, not only was my guest not interested in breakfast...but I made my own version of a breakfast sandwich. Which was filling and came in at 266 calories

Christie's Scrumptious Breakfast Sandwich

1 Arnold's Sandwich Thin (toasted)
Chopped Onions
Chopped Green Pepper
2 Double G Biscuit Slices (Ham)
6 TBSP of Liquid Egg Whites
1 Squirt of Crisco Olive Oil Spray
Shredded Cheese (any type)

Spray Olive Oil in small skillet at low heat, turn up to medium add veggies and Ham...watch closely and flip ham often. Remove ham from skillet and add 6 tbsp of Liquid Egg Whites, fold egg whites in half and then half again. Compile Sandwich and lightly sprinkle shredded cheese over the top. YUMMEEE!

My Running Partner

Today...I got to spend some real time with my husband's family. I love spending time with all of my nieces and nephews, but with the older one's it's a little different. We have known each other for a while now and we can have real conversations, I can both laugh at their jokes and tell them how inappropriate they are for family (all the while remembering them for work on Monday...ha ha ha) I have talked about Nathan before...he is almost 12 and well...he's 12. If you've EVER known a 12 year old boy, you know what I am talking about. He says inappropriate things, farts on or at you, then says excuse me with a smirk. They are both fascinating and annoying creatures.

I have told you before about how we have a history of deep conversation and he and I have a connection (despite the fact that he {along with my daughter}has been trying my patience, lately).

We were all talking about my running/walking the treadmill in preparation for the race and he said with super wide eyes "You have a treadmill? I wish I had a treadmill" I think I glossed over his statement with something like "Yeah...you think you want a treadmill" (Why did I say that?) Discussion lead to me trying to convince him that the treadmill sucked for some reason. (Why did I do that?) But, eventually it lead to him asking me if he could try it out. "Sure, we will go into the basement and bust it" and so we did.

He ran/walked a mile at my direction. I controlled the speed. He just kept going. I was his oversized Jillian Michaels. I said "Let me know if it's going to fast" He said "Could you slow it down?" Then I said "no" and kept him running at close to 4 miles an hour for the allotted time. I told him "You can handle this...you got this...15 more seconds." He did it. walked/ran the whole mile.

Then...my turn. He inspired me to do my mile for time tonight...even though I was planning on petering out. That's HORRIBLE, but true. If I didn't do it...I felt like I was letting him down in someway. Not practicing what I preach. So, tonight...I did it for him and I thank him for holding me accountable.

Tomorrow...3.1, bright and early.

125 days to Komen

Are You Kidding Me With This?

For realz, yo! This snow thing is waaay out of control. This morning was supposed to be my 3.1 run, but it got cancelled due to a family function and the fact that I had to shovel my driveway for the safety of the people that we love. 4-5 inches on top of what we already have and, you guessed it!!!! Snow again tomorrow and Monday. Enough is Enough. I at least have to get a mile in today, even if I do it after everyone leaves or heck while everyone is here. I really don't care anymore, plus they all know I am doing it anyway. What's the worse that could happen? An audience? It might be good to start small, anyway...lol! Wouldn't that be funny? I could pop popcorn set up chairs and they could just squirt my water in my mouth instead of me fumbling with my bottle. Ahhh a running life of privilege.....

Oh well...I will get it done this weekend despite the guarantee of a "wintry mix" tomorrow and more snow on Monday. I love how they call it a wintry mix like it's a pancake topping or something. Pancake topping....lol..of course I went straight to FOOD. LOL I have got to get out of this house. I need to stay focused on my goals by not having to focus on them 24/7. I need to work and be productive so that this can stay something for me and not overwhelm or become me.

On another snow related note...see the amount of snow from my back door? There is about a two - three inch step down from there onto my deck. I will check in again after the run. I probably need to de-stress anyway...my daughter brought me the following picture and told me that it was me...so my attitude probably needs to be checked..lol

Blizzards + Boredom = DANG-erous

So...we are just in the beginning stages of a severe mid-western snowstorm. This is day two of no work. (Yesterday was icy, I work almost an hour away from home, insert excuse here) This is ALL ICE, by the way!

One day in and I can tell you that somehow my home is a HOTBED of dietary danger. How did that happen? I am a very careful shopper, especially since I am eating healthy, but the fact of the matter is that I have little children who have a hard time stomaching brussel sprouts. ;) They are actually very good vegetable eaters, but they are kids...so while it is my job to teach them to eat healthy. I think it is also my job to teach them the proper way to incorporate foods they like into their diet. When it comes to "fun foods" I always try to buy the healthiest option (reduced sugar jellies, all natural peanut butter, Sun Chips, wheat thins , etc.)....However despite my shopping on Saturday, the hubby had to do his prep for the "SNOWMAGAEDDON 2011" which of course involved, snack cakes, pizza rolls, chips, TWO MONSTER SIZE ROLLS of cookies. He has a habit of binge eating that would rival the most severe bulimic (this is destined to bite him in the butt, but has yet to have an effect).

Normally, these items are not issues for me. I am not a huge craving person, but I am a huge person, which had to come from somewhere, right? LAZINESS, BOREDOM, and EATING MY FEELINGS.. Right now...I am feeling Bored and Lazy, but otherwise in a good emotional place. I have the treadmill and I need to do my mile today...mainly because I convinced myself not to do it last night. Other than that, though...my basement is no Biggest Loser Ranch and I can not keep myself down there working out all day......waaaaaah!

I guess enough crying...I did take steps to avoid the issue. I woke up early and made a low fat turkey chili so I can definitely avoid pizza rolls. I also instituted an at home eating time schedule...maybe I can find a project to get my mind off boredom eating...wow duh...a project would mean...not bored...too much thinking this morning. I will be back later today for sure, I will check in. OH...WEIGH IN! This morning 291...WTH??? Move on.