An Explanation

I have received an outpouring of support from a lot of you who read not just here, but on Facebook, and Twitter.  (I have been Twitter crazy lately, but it's been fun so whateve) You guys are a definite boost to the self -esteem and I have appreciated it more than you will ever know.  Y'all are my peeps and I love ya.

The last few weeks of my journey have been interesting, some may argue different, but definitely not the same as my journey up until this point and while I will confirm again that I am DEFINITELY not crazy.

I appreciate the kind words with regards to my pursuit of televised weight loss victory, but while I have the determination to see this thing through, the one thing it offers that I don't have is perhaps the one thing I will never have in my "real life". 

Sequestering.

Some of you are moms and will understand that it is super difficult to work out in the presence of children.

That's why I appreciate bloggers like Chubby McGee and how she has powered through and while I am sure that it is difficult for her, she keeps on going.

Some of you live hectic chaotic lives and will understand it when I say that while I am surviving and I continue to survive, sometimes the drama gets to be too much and you just want to give up and that's when I appreciate bloggers like Ash at Breathing Through Chaos.  Who has A LOT going on in her life, but keeps moving forward with courage and determination.

As things continue to compound in my life.  No job after almost 4 months, my severance and my unemployment running out one in two weeks and the other at the end of September, The realization that after two years of blogging that I am only down a total of 7lbs, because at some point I had to gain nearly 23 MORE pounds in order to lose nearly 30 (which is like a kick in the gut EVERY TIME I think about it). 

I took on the responsibility of my husband's business long before I lost my job.  I did it because it was necessary.  When he lost his job in late 2009 (a week before Christmas) to be exact, he took every penny in our safety fund and bought equipment to run a sewer cleaning business.  He did this a month before we moved into the brand new house that we built where HE wanted to build it (which is WAAAAAY to far away from civilization) and moved into a very expensive house payment (we owned outright before).  My job has supported us ever since, so when it went into the toilet, I accepted my severance and knew that I had a limited time to find a job.  I knew the economy had crapped out, but y'all...I HAD NO IDEA. 

Over 60 applications, two interviews, and one job offer that offered me about 1/3 of what I was making before.  (The other was not interested) A job that paid less than unemployment and would require me to dip into MY retirement fund to supplement the daycare expenses that would be incurred by accepting said job. 

So, here I am no job, life spinning out of control.

I really felt like I needed the sequestering.

I could acceptably walk away from everything, work on me, then slip right back in and handle my challenges one at a time. 

SELFISH?  Sure. Who isn't selfish once and a while?

Crazy?  I don't think so.  I have given up more than half my life to make sure that everyone else is ok, has what they need,and have assisted in making their dreams come true.  In my this short life, this blog is the only thing I have done that is completely for me.

This my friends was more than a journey to the Biggest Loser.  It was an act of desperation, a momentary glimmer of hope, a mirage of what my life could be...of who I could be.

I can still be all those things. 
I can achieve all those things on my own.

It will just take A LOT more time.

Just because there are NO QUICK fixes does not mean that some things can't come easier than others and in my life...my time does not belong to me.

Even as I write this, I am on the phone researching evictions, so that I can self-evict non paying renters with my hubby breathing down my neck about it.

I weighed in this morning at 286.  Heart-crushing, soul-aching, ego-breaking 286. 

I'm tired, my friends.  I'm still here...but I'm tired.

Now...as soon as I hit publish post...I will get calls from family.  They will call each other and talk about their concern for me.  About how I just seem so down and desperate, but for all their talking...there are still no answers.  Oh they'll have solutions, but it is easy to offer solutions when you don't live someone else's life.  They mean well...but the discussion just makes me hurt more, makes me feel more desperate.  So...if you are thinking about picking up the phone and calling me...please don't and if you are sure that I don't mean you...you are wrong...don't pick up the phone.  Written comments as always ARE WELCOME AND APPRECIATED.

This is just another mountain to climb...I'll get over it.  I always do.

California Dreamin' (and other musings)

So here we are...a weeks after I got back from Chicago.  I haven't posted this week because it has been a whirlwind. 

After two weekends of barely any sleep on Friday and standing in line for hours on Saturday, the six hour drive home from Chicago took everything I had left.  I slept well into the evening on Sunday. I awoke on Monday with a new sense of purpose: To MOVE ON.

I try really hard to be aware of myself and where my place is in this world, so I am a bit surprised that I kind of let this whole Biggest Loser thing affect me the way it did.  I actually believed that it was meant to be and it wasn't until I was accused of being crazy and my husband put his foot down about LA from a monetary perspective that I had to let any pursuit...aside from the video submission behind me.  I am a little pissed to be honest that I stepped out of my comfort zone to try to obtain something that was important to me and while I had the majority support from friends and family (including huge support from hubby who undertook a huge load for me not to be here for all of this time) someone important to me attacked it. 

I have heard before that when you start to change, the people around you start to feel displaced because you are behaving differently.  Psychologically, they reject it because they have an expectation of your behavior based on what they know of you.  They can lash out and try to sabotage because it makes them question their place in your life. I am trying to chalk this situation up to that because it's hurtful and I am tired of hurting.  It's hurtful mostly because I think that accusing someone of being crazy is the worst thing you can do to a person, it completely invalidates anything they have to say because.....well....they're crazy.

Guaranteed I am in full control of my mental faculties!

A more joyful reason to not have schlepped off to LA is....I became an aunt again this week!  My sister in law (the infamous nephew Nathan's mom) gave birth to her fourth and very big son!  I was present and standing by when 9lb 11oz, Elliot "Eli" Payton was born at 22 in long.  An experience that I will never forget. A connection that I will have with him until the day I die.  He's beautiful and I would show you just how beautiful he is, but Blogger photo up loader is depressingly on the fritz today.

So I have barely been home all week!

I am purchasing batteries for my scale, and I went shopping on Monday for some healthier type foods to get myself streamlined and BACK ON PLAN COMPLETELY.  I don't need the BIGGEST LOSER to do this, I just need to do this.  I am still on plan for raising funds to "Send a Fat Chick to Camp", but I can't wait for that to happen especially since I have only raised $60 to date!  LOL

I have a big week this week.  I am taking a job examination for a government position, so WISH ME LUCK!  PRAY FOR ME!  CROSS YOUR FINGERS!  Whatever makes you comfortable, just send me the goodness..lol...I would do it for you!!!!

Weigh in tomorrow!  PROMISE!

Once Upon a Time

Meet Christie! Driving to Chicago , so hopeful.  She's convinced herself that losing her job, being fat, and someone sending her an email about the Biggest Loser auditions was a culmination to get to where she needs to be in life. 

This is where it ALL starts over for her.  Normally, she would have never gone to a casting call for anything.  I mean anything.  She would not have left the house to attend a casting call for a show called "Fat Christies with an 'ie' from Dittmer, Missouri".  She would have been concerned that she was not good enough. 
She knows that she is willing to do what needs to be done and work hard to get it, but struggles on her own because nothing worth having EVER comes easy, but when your responsible for a house, kids, freaking out about being unemployed, and you have become the pillar of support for everyone else's hopes and dreams she feels like she's never going to be able to take control of her life, unless she removes herself from it and becomes healthy enough to deal with it head on.

Here she is again, she put herself out there originally, but she was denied.  I mean, it's hard to stand out among 1200 other people and standing in that line with all those other people who need the opportunity as much as she did,  she knew she just needed to try harder.  She is a smiling picture of positivity.  She will try again.  This time it involves her driving 5 hours away, but it's worth it for another shot.  She has been through it before, she knows what to expect, they just overlooked her winning personality, plus the extra effort will prove her determination.

This time she has a message that she wants to convey.  A message that she has been long trying to share with the public through the retelling of her weight loss struggles in her blog.  There IS more to her than fat.  In fact, it's the smallest part of who she is.

So she drives 5 hours to Chicago and for the second time in eight days she is up before 4 in the morning, dressed, and ready to stand in line for hours with the hope and a dream that someone who can actually step in and help her with an opportunity that she truly needs will notice her. 

She always has fun in the line.  For the most part...the people are great.  The people in Chicago were different.  They were fantastic! The could almost make her forget that she was standing in a Chicago alley way that smelled of urine..ALMOST.

After hours of standing in line, she sits at a table with 11 other people who are there for the same reason and commences the interview.  She (along with her sister) are immediately noticed for the positivity on her T-shirt. 

Why are you here today, she is asked. She relays the story about being diabetic and her father being diabetic.  She tells about how he doesn't take care of himself and one time was being hospitalized and begging him to take his medication and her feelings when he refused and told her it made him fat and he would rather be dead than fat.   How small those words made her feel when they left his mouth and how he must feel that her own life wasn't worth living.

In 10 minutes...it was over again.  Left to wait for a call, she decides to take in the city.  The rain pounding on her windshield rendered her blind and forced her indoors.

She took in a movie.

She waited still.

Her dream hinged on a call, until it is confirmed that they are through and she again did not get one. 

No tears this time.

She has a plan that doesn't involve them anymore.  That is...unless she can convince her husband to let her go to LA this weekend ; )

To be continued...

I OWE YOU

A Super big BLOG entry...drove to Chi-town today, spent time with family...a full day of line standing tomorrow.

Tonight...we sleep

Chicago Redux

Can you believe twice in one summer?  I sure can't. 

Can you believe someone said "no" to me and I am like "perhaps you were mistaken".  I sure can't.
Today overall was a good day.
I slept in, had words with my mom, worked towards finishing the video.

Came home, grilled, and then worked on getting my little darling geared up for her first day as a first grader.

She is super nervous.  She told me that she is worried that she will forget her teacher's name and then she won't be able to go to the bathroom if she needs too!!!! AHAHAHAHAHA  that made me laugh hysterically behind my concerned eyes and reassuring words.  Then I told her that she could be shy anywhere she wants to, but she is not allowed to be shy in school.  She has to speak up and stand up for herself.  I got the "I know" as she ran off to play caring less about what I have to say.

Autumn was the only one of my kids old enough to be on my video.  She was super concerned that she was going to hurt my feelings when she looked in the camera and said.  I DO NOT like that my mom is fat, because...well, I'm not trying to be mean, but I just DO NOT like it...LOL!!! ( Me neither sweetie, me neither)

Things are moving along swimmingly with regards to my send a fat chick to camp blog.  The response was OVERWHELMING...I got as many hits there today as I normally get in a week over here, but it's new and fun.  No donations...lol, but lots of love!  Truth is, it's not about people GIVING me money, it's about working for something I want and I think I need. (but if they want to give it to me...I won't turn it down...lol)

If you haven't had a chance...check it out!  Bright and Early for the first day pics and bus ride.  Until tomorrow, my friends!

Heart to Heart

Busy day today!

My sister and I worked on our submission video for BL and for all the over thinking and artistic, visually stimulating ideas we went with us being silly and just talking.

Yesterday was emotional and hard for me.  After talking with my grandma and spending a great deal of time really thinking about myself and my relationships with people, I felt really down and trapped.  (I think I used the trapped word yesterday)

I decided that if the BL wouldn't take me voluntarily, I would force myself upon them by paying to go to the resort for as long as it took.  I thought what could a month cost...$5,000.00? UM HECK NO..it was $10K.  I about crapped in my full figured briefs.  10 freaking thousand dollars???!!!!  WOW.  Disheartening (and I am saying that in my best pseudo sing songy voice)!

Jim came in the room and I lost it...all the upset for the day...all the upset for a lifetime and you know what? 

He listened to me.  He consoled me.  He resolved himself and promised to support me in whatever I needed.  Even when I told him that I might need to fly to LA if this doesn't work this weekend.  Even when I told him the cost for the Resort if it didn't all work out.

but then he DID tell me that couldn't happen at this point...(I already knew that) **doesn't mean I can't find a way**

I LOVE THAT MAN!  and he proved Dr. Phil right.  He was always willing to treat me the way I really needed to be treated, but he took advantage of what I thought I deserved or didn't...(who wouldn't...right?)

So...I am going to Chicago this weekend...submitting my video...possibly LA if necessary...then if I am still just a run of the mill loser...I move forward.  Forward in my own weight loss journey and begin to raise funds for the resort.  I could stand at the corner with the recovering drug addicts or in front of Wal-Mart holding a sign that says "Send a Fat Chick to Camp"  In fact...if your interested in those escapades you can view them here!

"I'm in a Glass Case of Emotion"

Me too, Mr. Burgundy...me too!

Dr. Phil says (once an episode) that you teach people how to treat you.  Funny thing is that I think I was taught to teach people how to treat me poorly.

I have been super angry at my mom this week.  I am trying to let it go and to be clear...I LOVE HER VERY MUCH.  I try to walk with an attitude of forgiveness, but here's a Biggest Loser moment I haven't talked about...my mom.  She flip flopped on whether or not she wanted to go.  My step father did not want her to go.  She decided that she would go out for it anyway and then discuss it with him again if the possibility became reality.  This was a last minute decision.

The line up was as follows, Myself, my sisters Suzanne and Victoria, and my mom.  The three of them live relatively close to each other so somehow they decided that they would ride together.  In my concern that narcoleptic Suzanne and Vicky would decide not to come, I paid for a hotel room on the mall property (Remember unemployment...).  I got there about 8pm and was going to immediately go to bed for my 1 am line check. 

Time dragged on...countless calls between my sisters and I not knowing what was going on with where my mom was and what was taking so long...they finally made it after about 10:30.  I was now wide awake and an unhappy camper as I paid $129.00 plus tax for a room I wasn't going to get to sleep in at all. Plus both of my sisters had some sort of upper respiratory thing along the lines of tuberculosis that I am quite sure would have rendered an iron lung useless.  It was a night of hacking, bed shaking from hacking, and inexcusable butt trumpeting.

My mom decides, almost immediately that this was perhaps a mistake for her...I try to encourage her to do it and see how it goes, but the flip flop continues.  My 1 am line search confirms no one jockeying for position at this point.  I try to sleep for another two hours.  My 3 am line search confirms about 10 people.  I call the hotel and recommend that my sister prepare the troops for battle.  I get back and mom decides she's a no go for the tryout.  She does however make a statement that she will be the drink girl and the line placeholder.  In my mind...I think she shouldn't try out if she doesn't want too, but I appreciate that she will stay to support us.  Almost as soon as that thought is completed, she decides to bail.

Bailing means more than her just not being there.  It means that because she decided to drive two of her adult children to this thing and then just leave them high and dry.  No...not high and dry.  Because SuperChristie was there to make sure everything was A-OK.  SuperChristie needs no sleep.  She can stay up straight over 30 hours, standing in line for 6 hours, interviewing for an important event, drive an hour out of her way to make sure that everyone is safe and sound and then manage to limp her tired ass back almost another 40 minutes and try to lull herself to sleep with a little Project Runway.

I thought that I was able to reconcile all my childhood feelings as far as my mom was concerned.  This has opened a gaping wound for me.  I am forgiving.  I am forgiving.  I have forgiven, but it has given me a HUGE insight as to why I can not seem to follow anything to fruition, Why I have no problem giving up something I really want when it interferes with something that someone else wants.

Call me crazy, but I am not ready to give this up yet.  I am making my video this week.  And it looks like I am possibly off to Chicago to try this thing ONE more time.  Well, maybe two more times...I am already pricing flights to LA in case I need one.  Not going down without a fight.

Roller Coaster

When I was a kid we used to sing this song.  I don't really remember what it was called, but part of it went "When you're up, you're up and when you're down, you're down, but if you're only halfway up you're neither up or down."

These days...I feel like my pendulum has been swinging like crazy.  One day I feel like the world is laid out before me and the next...I feel trapped.

I have some things in the works.  Some ideas I am working on.  I still am going to complete my video this week, I have a killer idea for attention grabbing that is artistic, ingenious, and kind of creepy at the same time.

If that doesn't work...there is talk of trying to hit up the casting call in Chicago this weekend, but as of now...it's just talk.

It's a late night.  Almost 1 am here.

Lost in thought.

I know I seem to be very melancholy these days.  There are several of you who have been so kind with your comments, emails, and on FB! I want you to know with all of my woe is me...I really do appreciate your support!  In my personal life, there are just some people who should be supportive to a fault, who unfortunately keep letting me down.  This is disheartening to me and hits me on every insecure level.  Trying to work through this is difficult.  Thanks to you guys, some great friends, and family...I know that I am not alone and I will make it through.

For now...bed.

I'm Sorry to Say...

that I am not the Biggest Loser.

I don't think I prepared for something more in my life.  I don't think I could have been more positive about something.  After all, the Biggest Loser requires that you be really good at one thing and one thing alone. 

Being fat. 

I have been really fat for nearly 20 years.  I am a professional.  Before that...it was just a hobby.  Something to occupy the time. Apparently, I am not good enough at it for Hollywood.  Perhaps they are right because after 20 years...I am pretty sure that my goal is retirement.  I am not really interested in pursuing this line of business anymore.

I am not giving up though.  There is still the video submission.  After no sleep for OVER 24 hours, learning that some people will disappoint you (fail to support you) when you need them, and standing in line for over 6 hours with some of the most FABULOUS people to never be featured in  St. Louis Magazine...I am not quite ready to give up on the possibility.

Last time I stood in line like this for ANYTHING 1994 when I took a group of neighborhood kids to see Jodi Sweetin from Full House.  I left that with an autograph (I mean...I was there already, right?)  I left this...with a hole in my heart.  

It's ok.  I'll be fine.  I always find a way to be ok.

It was a group interview where you had to fight your way through a sea of other people to be the most unique and interesting.  It was hard to talk over the lady who was shouting about he employment with Busch family (as in the beer empire), especially since her sobriety status was in question (seriously).  I always attract the crazies like a magnet and this was no different.  She accused us of line jumping despite the 15 people in line before us that confirmed we were there and had been there the whole time. (the leg of one of our chairs somehow ended up on her towel).  We apologized, but there was no having it.  She became belligerent and sauntered off to her car where she grabbed a security guard and had a mental breakdown in the parking lot, screaming and crying (literally) about how WE were being mean to her.  When we were escorted into the mall to wait inside, she was broadcasting loudly that she was going to line jump us (despite the security guards assurances to her that she would not).  She was so busy running her mouth about it that she failed to notice we stopped walking and she ran into me full force.  I barely stayed on my feet, it was a hard hit.  She then complained that hitting me was like hitting a brick wall and continued to defame the character of myself and my sisters to the people lining up behind her.  In an effort to resolve my anger, I videotaped her stuffing a McDonald's breakfast sandwich into her pie hole.  hmmm...the next YouTube sensation?

I convinced myself that this was my ONLY option.  I convinced myself that because I wanted it, it was outside of my comfort zone, I have no job and nothing going on somehow meant that it was my destiny.  For the first time since I was laid off, I was hopeful. ABOUT SOMETHING, ABOUT ANYTHING.  I was too tired to wait impatiently for a callback.  I slept.  I NEEDED sleep. I woke up this morning and was able to come quietly to grips that I did not get a call. 

I WILL make the video.  I WILL submit it.  I MAY OR MAY NOT get a callback. 

I made a commitment on paper yesterday.  Signed, sealed, and delivered...I guaranteed that I could dedicate September through March 2012.  With or without Bob Harper.

Random Thoughts

For the FIRST time in my life...I feel like my future hinges on EVERY decision I make.  (Wish that I had taken them more seriously before now)

I tell you all the time about the year my mom was married to a Marvel Comics Supervillain, but here are before and after shots. 

10 years old (150 lbs)





11 years old (75 lbs)



I still can't believe someone could hate this little girl enough to mistreat her.  Yeah...she's a sad little girl who is already lacking self-confidence.  I normally hate this <--- picture. I see ALL the things that are wrong with me, but today I just see a little girl who was given a bad haircut and probably needed a hug.



11th grade (about 175 lbs)



I had to go on a photo journey last night because I want to be prepared in case I need them.  I hope I need them.   I think the most hurtful reaction to any of my own photos was that I thought I have ALWAYS been as overweight as I am now.  Maybe...it's because I can't remember a time when I wasn't.  I have been the same basic clothes size since I got married.  I ran across these two pictures and they are bittersweet.  They show me that yes, I may have been overweight, but at some point in my life I had an opportunity to recognize that I could fix it and I chose to ignore it...why did I do that?

I did love rockin the BIG hair though!  Man do I miss perms and having NO idea about my carbon footprint.  I miss being fun.  I am funny...no doubt.  I have been blessed with a comic mind, fantastic timing, and a clever sense of irony.  I sincerely miss the "let's go" attitude.  Whatever you're thinking...I am up for it.

Well...off to find it!



Elephant Rock,  Ironton, MO  1995



Expect the Unexpected!

In my life...this statement...um...wow!

I didn't expect that my mom would divorce my dad and I would see him once a year or so for the rest of my life.

I didn't expect that I would come home from being sent to visit my mom's friend on vacation and find out that my mom was getting married the NEXT day.

I didn't expect that her husband would abuse my sisters and I.

I definitely never expected that someone could hate fat kids as much as he did or to lose 75 lbs. in less than a year.

I never expected to know what it felt like to be dangling in the air by a grown man's fingers holding me at the jaw.

I didn't expect to know what it feels like to cry so hard that no sound comes out.

I didn't expect that she would leave him.

He didn't expect that I (12 years old) would pick up the crutches that he had been poking me in the side with for weeks and bash them across his knees that were recovering from surgery.  (Most liberating experience of my life to date) (as wrong as it may be) (Call it my Thelma and Louise moment)

I didn't expect that I would be pulled away from everything I ever knew and be forced to live in a rural area surrounded by child molesters that forced me to stay inside the house behind locked doors for over a year.

I didn't expect to survive high school.

I didn't expect to be afraid of leaving my sisters behind for college. I definitely never expected that I would never go.

I didn't expect to fall in love with the dishwasher with the spiral permed mullet.  **I don't think my boyfriend expected it either. :)~ **

I didn't expect that he would ask me to move away with him and I definitely NEVER saw it coming when he broke up with me at our going away party.

I didn't expect it to hurt sooo much.

I didn't expect that some people don't have good intentions (a lot of bad can be forgiven if you think they do.)

I didn't expect that my mom knew what she was talking about with the next boyfriend.  I didn't expect for her to kick me out.

I didn't expect to end up living in my car with two other people.

I didn't expect to steal gas station hot dogs for food (let alone steal at all).

I NEVER expected that someone would shoplift a python for S&G's and then ask me if it could stay in the car with us.

I didn't expect that he would go to prison. (but mommy did...lol)

I  didn't expect my mom to forgive me.

I didn't expect for mullet boy to move back.

I didn't expect to still love him soo much.

I didn't expect to be at work and find out from someone else that my mom got married just an hour or so before.

I didn't expect to follow the spiral curls to Louisiana to follow his dreams.

I didn't expect that it would mean I would be living in a rural roach infested trailer with no car, no friends, no phone.

I  didn't expect the random day we would pack everything up and move back home on a moments notice.

I didn't expect that we would be married.

I didn't expect that my dreams would never be important.

I didn't expect that I would ever get pregnant.

I didn't expect the two little lights in my life.

I didn't expect the alcoholism (even though the signs were there)

Some days...I didn't expect to make it through.

I didn't expect to know what it feels like to be over 300 lbs.

I didn't expect to ever lose any weight (let alone nearly 30 lbs)

I didn't expect to lose my job of 8 years.

I didn't expect to have a hard time finding another.

I didn't expect to say "The Biggest Loser" without immediately craving a foot long coney dog, let alone attending a casting or making a casting video.

I didn't expect to want it sooo much.

I didn't expect to tell you.

I don't expect to be chosen, but with the list above and knowing what I left out for the sake of brevity :)...I know to EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED.

**to clarify I am auditioning...not selected (at this point).

Attitude

Since I was a kid,,,I have been told I have a bad one.  In some respects, I guess all kids have a bad attitude.  As an adult though, I think whether or not you have a bad attitude comes down to a matter of perception.. 

If I am not doing what you want me to do or I am,being resistant to your point of view, you might say that I have a bad attitude.  I would say your expectation of me to follow your idea of the status quo is unrealistic.

I am on a countdown to 40.  Ask my hubby...he reminds me everyday how close I am.  4 years away. I like to be prepared.  The fact that he is 3 months older than I am and will cross the four decade barrier before I will,  does not deter him from rubbing it in at any given moment.  I know how little time four years actually is...my youngest daughter, the last of MY babies is four years old.  His constant need to remind me and my reaction to it...could be conceived as a bad attitude.

The truth is I have a total reactionary personality.  Another of my numerous flaws for you to follow.  I can wake up in the best mood, happy...singing even, but if you even suggest that I am crabby...0 to bitch in 3 seconds.

Bad Attitude?

No...I don't like to be told what I am.

I don't know who I am...so believe me neither do you. 

That is the true reason I started this blog.  I mean the crux of where all my anger came from in the beginning.  People see me and they see the fat.  My biggest fear is that one day my kids will stop seeing me and will only see the fat or at least see the fat first. 

FEAR....A CONSTANT THEME.

What do I have to be afraid of?  Everything. 

One day...I will be gone.  The fear will be gone, but people will remember the fat.  They will regale themselves with stories of what I could have been if I just weren't so gosh darn fat.  Because everything will come down to the fact that it prevented me from accomplishing anything in my life. 

Except the truth is that not accomplishing anything in my life is what got me to where I am today.  It's the emotional monsters that sink their teeth in and refuse to let go.  So...the true question is what to do about it...

I have been thinking about and working toward putting myself out there in a way that I have never done and would have thought that I would never do...I have been gung ho and working towards it, but yesterday...I realized that the result that I am looking for is a near impossibility.  A chance literally among thousands of chances.  I  decided that maybe I was a fool and I was going to proclaim myself foolish. 

I was driving to meet my sister in law and hubby for dinner and I passed a sign on the front of a church that said

 "The only difference between an obstacle and an opportunity is attitude"

It felt like a message from God for me. 

Well played.

Dinner Date

Day Three...no kids.  Miss them. 

We spent Sunday lettering hubby's work van which is a chore (Have Cricut and Vinyl will travel).  Then I spent the day with my sister, Snoozi.  It was nice because we don't really spend a lot of time together.  She is gonna kill me for this, but her hubby is a jerkface who in my personal opinion has NO redeeming qualities.  Basically, the man needs prayer, lots of it...Clear Your Calendars. 

Sisters are silly.  With all the fighting and arguing...they are your truth.  You can be you with them in ways that you can't with other people.  We can say the most inappropriate things to each other and laugh and laugh.  Laughter is how we have survived our lives.  Survival.

Monday was a little different.  Hubby had some jobs lined up (yay!), but we were able to spend some time together in the morning.  I followed him out the door.  I went to town to get a pedicure and a nail fill.  This was beyond necessary as I hadn't had them filled in almost a month so they were way too long, deformed and two of my acrylic overlays had been missing for over a week.  Depression isn't just an inner thing...it can make you look a hot mess....holla!

After my claws were tamed, hubby and I were going to meet for lunch, but he was still working and had another job lined up so, I did something I have never done before...I went to the movies alone.  I saw Horrible Bosses.  I guess I was missing The Blurf, Biscuits, Hot Dog Neck, and Olive Oyl, Yes my old management team.  This made me thankful for severance.  Neither Hollywood or a big budget could recreate some of the things I lived through with actual Horrible Bosses.  (Insert inane repetitive eye rolling, inappropriate touching, or high pitched "How's it going?" here)  Plus...I worked with four of the most inept, annoying, and decidedly evil people on the planet and for all their bumbling they never ACCIDENTALLY killed each other let alone committed a crime of passion against each other so Hollywood....want a story...CALL ME.

Eventually...I met up with hubby at Outback.  I realized then...I had eaten nothing ALL DAY.  Bad Form, Christie...Bad Form.

Had a sirloin with the world's hardest broccoli EVER.  Spent time together.  Heard "I love you" loud and clear.  Made me think that it might get lost a lot in the sea of little voices.  Glad to have this time with him.  Something has to change and we both know it.  Since before I lost my job...I have been working for him.  I have been working for his dreams since before we got married.  We built the house he wanted, where he wanted.  His business is growing thanks to the SACRIFICE (wish I could make this word BIGGER) and dedication of our entire family.  Let's not forget the grace and goodness of God, because without it...well...I am not going to even peer into that Pandora's Box.   I am tired of being a minion of his pursuits...WE need to find a way to take care of me, so that I can be here to enjoy the fruits of my labor...right? 

 Look at me..questioning my importance  ;)

Thank You!

Thank you to the follower who left yesterday. It definitely made me feel something.  In this case...it was not the euphoria I have been searching for, but that pursuit has been leaving me a little cold, anyway.

I appreciate all of you coming here and checking in on my little corner of the world...I appreciate it more than you can know.  That's part of the reason why I kind of drop out when I am not doing so well.  I want to do better.  I want to succeed.  I want to show you that I am not all the things that people think I am when they look at me and judge on the surface. Not having a job sucks and feeling like there is NO direction in my life gets a little old to live, let alone live and then rehash for your viewing enjoyment.  The desire for something good to happen in my life is there, but the truth is...I need something GREAT to happen.

I said Thank You to the person who left because I immediately felt inadequate when I saw the number had dropped and WANTED to say that I was sorry.  I wanted to apologize for being me.  I scanned the list of followers and tried to identify who it was that dropped off the face of my planet. I love you guys, but did I think somehow that knowing was going to change how I felt about it?

The truth of the matter is that I strive to be my most authentic self here.  To tell you completely and honestly who I am and where I am, to show the struggle and to hopefully inspire me to do better by looking through my own window.  I choose to come here, no one is forcing me.  I choose to tell you that I feel apathetic. 

Perhaps that is my downfall.

It's a fickle world and I suppose that if I was trying to search for inspiration to keep me motivated to lose weight...tales of unemployment, addiction, suicide, and general personal angst is not where it's at.  I get it. 

I am going to continue to work toward finding my stride again.  Please be patient with me. 

On a lighter note...Big Brother?  Julie Chen's stylist NEEDS to be fired. Discuss amongst yourselves ;)

S & G's

I have been thinking a lot about posting.  The only reason that I am actually doing it today is thanks to Chubby McGee.  She let me know that she missed me on a comment and so well, I am going to stop over thinking and just post.  My last several posts have really said nothing about weight loss and that's because well...I haven't lost any weight.  I weighed in this morning at 280.  I couldn't even muster apathy...just to be honest.

Listen guys...those of you who are working hard and getting this thing done.  I admire you in so many ways.  Going through this "low period" has left me questioning what I am missing that you have, that keeps you going?  My inadequacy is kicking hard core lately and well, guess who is in their own way again...

I am putting myself out there though...in ways that I really can't discuss right now.  Not because I can't, but because I am choosing to take a leap of faith and go blindly into an opportunity that could be a game changer not only for me, but for my whole family.  If it works out...you'll know and if it doesn't...lol  you'll know.

This week is a real opportunity for me to take control.  My kids are visiting my dad and step mom, so it's just me and Jim this week.  Believe me...this week will be about me hardcore.  I will not squander even a minute, well going forward anyway because I definitely squandered about 3 hours last night watching Jerry Maguire on Bravo!  Despite all it's charm it failed to "Show Me The Money" and I am feeling less than "completed".

For some reason this morning, I can not get that Eddie Money song out of my head...it's like on a loop with "I wanna go back and do it all over, but I can't go back I know."  Sitting here and thinking about the lyrics I mean it's so basic on just a human level you know.  Donald Trump probably has those moments.  At the same time, it feels like a waste to even discuss it.  My uncle, who is known for his socially appropriate comments used to say "Want in one hand, shit in the other, see which gets full faster"  Believe me...my life is full.

Despite this post.  I want you all to know that I am NOT giving up.  I started this thing two years ago.  I wanted to be successful with it.  Ups and Downs aside, I am only actually down 7 lbs from when I started.  Yeah I'm still down 28lbs from 308, but going waay back.  I didn't start at 308, so where's the disconnect?