Sunday, August 30, 2009


After two days of thinking it over, I have decided that fear is healthy! I have decided that I am saddened watching things like the Biggest Loser and Ruby because I am afraid. I am afraid that it will never be me. I will never be the one, who is successful at this. I am wrong and I am looking at this whole thing the wrong's ok to be afraid and it is ok to be sad, it's my response to it that is most important.

I am the one who gives up.

Not anymore.

It came to me after talking to some friends this weekend and after watching I am Sam.

When I first had my daughter, Autumn, I felt totally alone. I felt like it was me...all me. Sure, I was married and my husband tried to be hands on, but when you are new parents...there is a HUGE learning curve. I quickly discovered that no matter how much people think they are doing to help is never enough. People, including those you are married to, are not in your skin and their experiences while shared with you..are completely different from yours. My husband will tell you that he was always more than willing to give me a break. I am sure that this is true, but to me it felt like the equivalent to a smoke break at work.

"I let you go to the store by yourself," He would say. That would drive me crazy. I would think, "yeah, because going to the store is not for you at all...because that's not work." I realized that his idea of being a hands on father was not only different from mine, it was also very different from what I was required to do. Funny how if a guy is involved in the day to day of his children's lives he is called a "hands on dad", but no matter how tirelessly a woman works, she is still only called a mother. Like mother means...despite the fact that two people were's your job...because no one else will do it.

I was scared. I had started so many things in my life that I never finished...violin lessons, singing lessons, creative writing classes, and the list goes was I going to do this...all of this...and everything it required? I can't even bother to put on make-up anymore!

While watching I am Sam, I kept thinking..."Sam was scared". He had to be. At the mental capacity of a 7 year old, he raised a child. I would argue, anyway, that I am in charge of my full faculties and I have that same fear. Sam did not let that fear stop him from loving his daughter and doing everything he could to get her back. He couldn't do it on his own though, he needed help! Maybe I need help? Perhaps I should start seeing my counselor again?

Autumn will be five in one month, she is smart, beautiful, and well loved. We added Erica to the mix two years ago. While I would never agree that the duties involved with raising my children are split equally, my husband did become more involved with them as they became able to communicate with smiles, laughter, and words. Men and women both need to feel validated, but from my experiences and observations a woman is willing to take A LOT more before cracking.

The point is...I was scared. I had no choice but to devote my time to take care of my kids. I am still scared as there are NEVER enough hours in the day (and believe me, I take FULL advantage of as many as possible). I do it, though. Everyday. Despite the fear that still creeps up from time to time.

I am afraid now of failing. I am afraid of not knowing who I will become. I am afraid of becoming someone who is selfish and not loving. I do not want to go through this journey and find out that losing the thing I hate about myself now, reveals something else to hate. How do I let go of the anger?

Reflecting...anger is my thing. Anger is bred from fear. Where is that counselor's number?

The goal is to be more active and call my counselor!

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