Thursday, August 13, 2009

The Broken Scale

Something in your house breaks and you fix it, right? I guess you could let it go...I know a lot of people who do this, but the best thing for all involved is to fix it, right? scale is broken. I wish I could sit here and tell you that I found out that it was registering me heavier than I am, but a trip to the doctor yesterday revealed that my scale is trying to build my confidence. You see, according to my black and chrome, digital Health Meter scale I had lost 4 lbs. I was so excited this blog (or blarg as I am now fond of referring to it) was going to be about determination and stick-to-it-iveness, but is not. It is instead about the fact that the words "AH SHIT" actually expelled from my body when I stood on the scale at my new doctors office and the medical assistant advised me that I weigh 302.2. She tried to be nice and tell me to take off two lbs for clothes. "Thanks" I said, holding back what I really wanted to say..."I appreciate it, but it really doesn't help me that beside the fact that without clothes I am still over 300lbs, you have just shot down my joy."

I was sure that I had lost weight. I have been so good. My weight has fluctuated sooo much over the last few weeks that I was positive that this time it was right because it was the same three days in a row. Every morning I stood there and every morning I was excited that 290 kept shining back at me..."I am on my way" I thought to myself.

I am on my way.

This was soul crushing. I was already planning my trip to Pizza Hut..what I needed now was a big squeezy pepperoni hug. I had gone to the doctor to move forward, make myself accountable, sign a new lease on life. I was honest with her. I told her my diabetes is getting out of control and I need to do something about my weight. We discussed my life and illnesses and she was very positive. She told me that she was excited to start this journey with me and was encouraged by my 30 days of non-smoking without any aids. She was "encouraged by my strength and determination." Really? Me?

I have been hearing that a lot lately. It still floors me. A lot of it is coming from you. People who read my blog. Strength, determination, courage...these things are foreign to me. Your words are encouraging, they keep me going, They allow me to stop beating myself up for a few moments and remind myself of how far I have come in such a short time.

I am now a non-smoker.

I am doing something about my weight.

I am writing again. This means more to me than anything. The writer is who I am above all. The writing is the key to my sanity. Pen to paper, fingertip to keyboard, it's my driver. It makes me wonder if I could have begun or continued on this journey without it. It keeps me accountable. I know YOU are out there, curious, wondering, and supporting. Thank you for supporting. I know more people are reading than comment. I hear from people all the time that so and so is reading and I am floored, but I am honored. A writer is nothing without their reader.

I don't think I am going to fix the scale. After all the number, doesn't really matter.

1 comment:

  1. You are so right! The number doesn't matter! And yes, you are a writer above all! Not to mention a strong determined woman! You will always have a reader in me.