Tuesday, September 8, 2009


I'll begin with the good news...12 lbs and 1 pant size!! I got to wear jeans today that I have not worn since I had Erica....which also means that they are completely outdated, but nice to wear something different.

I went on vacation with my family and some friends this week in Branson. Our highly anticipated get away...my friend and I spent tons of time plotting and planning what would happen and what we would do. Every meal, every day, we were guaranteed to have a blast!

So what happened? Starting with the week leading up to the trip, things already started going sour. The tenants in our rental did not pay the rent on time for the 4th month in a row, requiring us to pay the mortgage on that property out of our pocket. My husband did not listen to warnings about saving money so that we have money to spend on this trip, instead he bought some junk from his gypsy friend and a motor off of Craig's list. All the while making disparaging comments about me to his friends. He said that I keep telling him that we are broke . We are not broke and I never told him that. He asked me for $600.00 to buy a boat and I told him that he could do what he wants, but he needed to keep in mind that we have a family vacation, he has an expensive weekend with the boys, fall clothes for the kids, Autumn's birthday party, and payments on the construction all here within the next 60 days. I suppose it's easier for him to talk crap and say that I am keeping him from his money, but why does he have to take my trying to be responsible as an affront to his masculinity?

So...he spent too much money, the renters didn't pay, and despite the fact that I broke into my "free upgrade" jar, ( I keep change in one of those huge office size water bottles, saving money to upgrade appliances in my new house) we had very limited money to spend on our 5 day trip. Which meant no Dixie Stampede, no shows, limited shopping, and a lot of disappointment.

I was feeling so let down by the whole thing to begin with and on Friday, the ladies attempted a trip to the Outlet Mall with the kids...My kids were horrible. The oldest wouldn't listen and her sister did not want to stay in the stroller. I became frustrated and had one of those, "Why did I have kids?" moments. We left after one store.

We went to eat lunch, which was enjoyable. "Mel's Hard Luck Diner". The servers take turns singing while they take care of you. My kids were angels, it was fun, we were all laughing and having a good time.

My dad was passing through town and he stopped, joined us for lunch, and then came back to the rental house for a while. Whenever I am around my dad, I become 8 years old again. I want to know why? Why were we not good enough for him to come home? Why he had to lie about us? Why a story that he makes up is always better than who we are and how much we would love him if he let us? Sometimes, I think this is the reason that I never feel good enough for anyone. I am always afraid of the thing that I did or will do that will make someone walk away forever. I overcompensate as a result. I do too much, I act too needy. People and things let me down because I need for them to make me feel like I want to feel and they don't. They can't.

Back to vacation...right in the middle of drowning in my abandonment issues, I find out that the vacation is taking a turn in a completely different direction and in my mind, it has no way of redeeming itself. I am trying to talk to my dad and that's when I feel the hot tears building up behind my eyes. I feel the burning sensation from my stomach to my throat. I am nearing utter meltdown and I truly don't know why.

I excuse myself and walk into the house. I see my friend, not wanting to be rude, I stop to ask her a question, but I could feel it as it was leaving my mouth...it sounded like the Spanish Inquisition and behind it was Noah...in his ark, animals two by two, riding the great flood of emotion that I was too embarrassed to let out. I hid in the bathroom, completely panicked. They are going to be able to tell that I was crying. I want to hide in here forever....but my dad is outside and he will think I am being rude. I dutifully pull it together and walk outside, careful not to talk to anyone. I sit out with my dad until he admits that it's time for him to leave and I drive him back to town.

Upset the entire night and still not knowing completely why. The next day, my friend and I spend the day together and talk, and talk, and talk ...OH and cry! Now it's everything, everything is upsetting me. Not angering me...I can handle anger. It's hurting me. Deeply.

But, why?

The discussion was good though. I am glad to have such a good friend. It's so easy to be friends when everything is great and you are laughing your ass off, but it is another thing entirely to be a good friend when things are down...Thank you for being a friend! We both agreed that we felt a little let down by the vacation. I guess it didn't live up to our expectations, this should be okay, right? I don't know what happened.

I cried about a lot of things that day. I cried about my crushed expectations. I cried about my kids and the struggles that you go through as a parent. I cried about how miserable I am at this weight. I cried about how I am letting my family down. They need me to be so much more for them and I physically can't.

We had this discussion while walking through an outdoor mall. Funny...I remember not even being embarrassed as I talked about hating how I feel, crying, and totally loving these pictures that would be great in my new bathroom all in the same sentence.

The truth...people, I am horribly flawed. I am human. I want so much to be different, but I am afraid of change...you've read all of this before...Is the breakdown the beginning or the end?

You decide.

I am too tired to think about it anymore today. My goal is to wake up in the morning.

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