Friday, August 28, 2009

Fear and Self Loathing in House Springs

I have been trying really hard to keep a positive attitude. This week has been hard. The ups and downs of the medication have really put me through the ringer. It's really easy to revert back to past behavior, but I have been able to keep myself in check. IT HAS BEEN A STRUGGLE THIS WEEK!

I received a call earlier in the week from the surgeons office telling me that despite all my many phone calls to my husband's insurance company and their assurances to me that they will cover the remaining 10% after my insurance pays, they will not pay them a dime. This of course forces me to make another call to the union hall and demand that they explain why they are telling me one thing and the office another. Call escalations abound and I finally got someone to call the doctors office and advise them that they will cover it, but sheesh, do I really have to do everything myself? This is a pain in the butt, especially since I am not even sure if I want to go through with the surgery. Maybe I can just lose enough weight on my own, ya know?

My friend Sari told me to watch Ruby. I told her in no uncertain terms that despite the fact that I do, I hate watching stuff like that. I watch the biggest loser every season and get inspired. I watch it and get inspired until they start looking good and changing and I start feeling really bad about myself. Then I am inspired to sit my fat butt on the couch and watch them lose weight. She told me it was different and kind of gave me Ruby's back story.

See Ruby was 700lbs, and after her friends had an intervention of sorts she began a journey of weight loss. Ruby is now under 350lbs. Yes, Sari...I caved. (It is reality television after all!)

I was right though, it's the same for me. Watching her lose weight and talk about her struggles makes me sad. Listening to her friends say that she hears things that people say about her and it makes them sad makes me sad. I totally project my emotions onto others and take on their emotions. Why? I strive so hard to be an individual, but I worry sometimes that I would be completely inert if it were not for others. I don't just mean physically, I mean mentally and emotionally.

I hate to think that I am being down on myself, but I long for the day when I don't have to feel bad about myself. I am not sure that I know how to exist without feeling bad about myself. Have I kept myself miserable because it's familiar? I am scared to death to find out that is exactly what I have done. I am scared to think that will hold me back.

I don't want to be sad, I don't want to spend another second of my life this way. There is no magic pill and the "easy button" does not work at my house. I know it's a struggle. I know it will take time...I need a positive. I am praying for a positive.

The goal is to get over this rough patch while being more active.

1 comment:

  1. Read "Excuses Begone" by Dr. Wayne Dyer...It's really about so much more than's about how to control how you feel about yourself regardless of everyone and everything around you and all past baggage. It is a real positive! You can beat this weight issue!!! And yes you are right, maybe without surgery! It's your decision and there is no rush until you really are sure about what YOU want to do. I'm sorry you feel sad. Sorry about Ruby not helping the situation. By the way read ANYTHING by DR. Wayne Dyer! he is fantastic about making what seems so difficult to overcome very easy to understand and correct. I'll pray for your happiness...I know with God all things are possible. We only truly have two emotions. All other emotions spin off from these two...Love and Fear...You can't fear what you really love and love what you really fear. Yes you find familiarity in self loathing...all of us overweight or addicted personalities do. The good new is there is a POSITIVE. You are in control of that. Read Him PLEASE. By the way I'm proud of you ! I really am! You have made HUGE strides! Keep it up becasue you desrve the best.