The title sounds rude and I apologize in advance.
I am feeling a tad rude today. I have gotten to a point in my journey where I have determined that a great deal of people speak before they think. Not just speak, some type before they think...some send internet links before they think and so on.
You want an example? I have one for you. My mother in law...I am sure that there was no ill will intended, but on one of the WORST days of my life she send me an email at work. Concerned as always that there may have been something that Jim or I (more likely I) had inadvertantly done (or in Jim's case...on purpose) to cause drama, I opened it. There it was...sitting there staring at me in bright blue, "click me" letters, a hyperlink stating boldly "thisiswhyyourefat.com". Hmmm....I thought to myself....this is why I'm fat or this is why she's fat? Do I dare click on the link? Of course. Luckily for me...my workplace blocks this link. However...Frances Romero wrote an article about it in Time Magazine stating:
"At its subtlest, the food featured on the site — gathered from various submissions or happened-upon sickening recipes — can be as gentle a dietary poke as a two-foot tower of oreo creams in between two pieces of oreo cookie. It's like a chocolatey metaphor for America being way-beyond double-stuffed. But before you're even ready to take in the atrocities of 7 lb. breakfast burritos and the jawdropping Turbaconucken (yes, a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey, all wrapped in bacon), you're exposed. And it will haunt you. As will the deep-fried candy bars, the over-representation of bacon and a ship made entirely of meat that might actually be all the world's heart attacks collected in a bowl. If you're inspired, post your own "nasty goodness," otherwise, drop the cheesecake on a stick and have some broccoli."
SO...my next thought is Do I hit reply???? Do I? Do I drive my little mouse pointer to the reply button...click it...and type in the body of the email..."This is why you're a bitch." I was angry and I was close...real close, but then I thought about it.
Did you catch that? I THOUGHT about it. I realized that it probably was not something she was directing at me, despite how it came across with no additional words or explanation. Oh I talked crap about it at work ALL DAY LONG...I was mad, but to this date...unless she sees this blog...she has no idea, because I THOUGHT about it before I acted. The trouble is that the whole situation could have been avoided had she thought before she acted. Had she stopped, thought about what she was sending, thought about if she "knew" me in a way that would deem this appropriate.
There is a real good chance that I am being sensitive, but remember this is just one example amoung many...my mom's lifelong friend who decided to tell parents at my new school that we came from a family of "domestic violence", a co-worker who decides to speak as loudly as possible as she advises she can't stand "west coast Orientals" because they are "uppity" and self-righteous (orientals....lol..ahahahaha where is she from?), even me...speaking secret "ong" language with a friend in the bathroom ( Spell everything out...consonants add ong and state the vowels separately....friend becomes :fong rong i e nong dong) and walk out only to face an Asian manager with whom I work.
All I am saying is : think!
I tend to overthink. I also tend to give people a pass. This is detrimental to me and must stop. I hold myself accountable for my own actions, why do I let other people slide? I let other people slide because as an overweight person I have a lot of fear. Fear that if I don't just take what people delve out, that there may be no more people to take it from. I have blanket inesecurities. A lot of people have told me that this actually has nothing to do with my weight and everything to do with my confidence level. I do not agree with this assessment, anyone who knows me, knows that I project confidence in most arenas, it's the personal arena where I falter.
The weight is more than just on my abdomen, my thighs, my rear, and my arms....the weight is on my soul. It literally weighs me downs, it interrogates me, and forces me to question every person and their intentions. I can figure out a way to lose pounds, but figuring out a way to free my soul will be the hardest part of this journey and I fear...the most painful.
By the way...The goal is to be more active.