Bust A Move

In just over 60 days, I will run walk complete the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure here in St. Louis.  I am terrified exhilarated by the very thought.  It means that tomorrow starts the training for real.  The no holds barred, I have to do this darn thing TRAINING.

This has to mean pushing myself like NEVER before!  I am so thankful for the support system that I have both online and off.  You all are truly amazing.  This is going to be the HARDEST thing that I have ever done and I will need you to support me, push me, and remind me of why I am doing this. 

I have recently gotten really good at preparing blogs in advance and setting them to post, so I hope to be able to keep that up and then just replace them with up to the minute stuff when I really need to.  At least for the next couple of months, my focus has to shift to get me through this race. 

I wish you guys could all be here to run with me and cheer me on.  Tomorrow begins day one!

What DO You Want?

What do you want?  What do you really want?  Out of your journey, out of your life?  What do you want to be?  What do you want to accomplish?

What if I told you that you can have it all?  You can! 

But, first...you have to cross this river, walk through the woods with wet, sandy shoes (maybe even, a rock or two got in there), climb a mountain in the rain, and camp out, wet beneath the stars.

What...you don't want it now?  Why?  Is it too hard?

It's funny, how these questions popped into my head.  I was perusing Facebook bright and early and some guy I went to high school with, whom I never talked to even then, and definitely don't talk to now had updated his status to say "Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone"

Everytime, I read it...I want to do a double take, the sky lights up, a choir sings.  I mean, isn't that just the TRUTH.  Right there in black and white.  So simple, but so difficult to execute.

Maybe...I didn't want it bad enough.  Maybe I forgot I could swim, didn't take the time to wash the sand from my shoes and remove the rocks.  Maybe I didn't realize that I could seek shelter from the rain under the trees of the mountain or forgot that I can pack a lighter and dry myself next to a campfire, under a sky FULL of amazing stars.

Maybe...just maybe, I forgot to prepare myself for the journey because I was too busy worrying about how difficult it was going to be.

Non Scale Victories: A Listing (So far)

1.  I can walk 10,000 or more steps in a day.
2.  I completed my 1st treadmill 5K.
3.  I shaved 2 minutes of my mile time.
4.  I can run for 1 minute and 30 seconds
5.  I can take care of basic cleansing of myself without pulling a muscle (sad, but true)
6.  I can carry my 3 year old down a flight of steps without fearing for either of our safety.
7.  I can take the steps (up and down) (Even though I only choose to do so about 50% of the time)
8   I can do 360 crunches in one sitting (straight, left oblique, and right oblique 120 each)
9.  I can throw a FANTASTIC punch (Thank you, heavy bag)
10. I am less afraid to try new things.
11. My clothes fit better
12. I can button my pants without struggling or laying on the bed, sucking everything in, grabbing the zipper with a wire hanger and screaming please, please, please.

13. I have worn makeup everyday for over two weeks after wearing none for over 10 years.

14. I am writing this blog almost daily
15. Most importantly, I am a better mother, wife, and friend.
16. I am no longer ashamed of who I am.


What are your non scale victories?

Beautiful People

So...I have been kicking around this idea for a while and I have decided that my lovely little piece of the literary world is going to RIP OFF the biggest magazine ever...People.  By RIP OFF, I, of course mean...pay homage.

People's 50 Most Beautiful People issue is one of the highest selling for the brand.  Why?  Because we are obsessed with beauty.  Even those some of us who stand on a soapbox and say that subscribing to the world, media, or even Hollywood's idea of what is beautiful is a slippery slope...all have to stop and admit that we all have some idea or standard of beauty that we all want to fit into. 

I know that I have always wanted to be or have someone else think I was beautiful enough to say it aloud...in a physical sense that is. 

But beyond that...I do believe that physical beauty fades and that inner beauty shines.  The inner beauty is what we remember most.   The kindness, the love, the laughter...   I want to honor that here.  So...I will be starting a series on Beautiful People that affect my life.  To honor them, to introduce my support system to you, and to acknowledge true beauty when I see it.

I want to add (to avoid any conversations about this later) that I have to pick someone to be first.  That does not mean that I think they are more beautiful or mean more to me than others.  (The fragile ego of family and friends)! 

A Loss...luckily

I am a scale nut.  I am on the scale 3 or more times a day.  I know what some of you think about that...I love you, but I don't care.  : )
I weighed in this morning 280.2.  .4 less than last week, but up 1.2 from the lowest numbers I have seen this week.  A loss is a loss is a loss is a loss. 

Truth is...I just did not have the fire in my belly for it this week.  That's a horrible thing to say, but it's true.  I can't figure out how to destroy the voice in my head that sees a 4.2 loss, like last week and doesn't already start jumping ahead to like June or July and say things like, "Well, at this rate I could be 240 or less by then."  The part of me that looks past the 6 months it took me to get here and expects that because it is FINALLY clicking with me, I should be on the fast track.  That is how we get lost on this journey.  The expectation gets the better of us, the train loses steam, and we start jumping ahead.  I know for me, getting started on this journey was delayed time and time again because it felt like such an insurmountable feat.  I took the first step, and then the second and I am now nearly 30 lbs down.  I had twists and turns in the road that led me astray for a bit, but I stayed on the path and I am having success.  Why in the world am I adding the pressure to it? I am pressured enough by outside forces, work, being a mom.  

This past week, I didn't work out like I should, I had a horrible food day that was under calories, but included no food that was healthy fuel for my body.  Then I had another bad food day on Friday, followed by being sick yesterday which left me sleeping majority of the day and eating poorly. 

Yes, I have a loss this week, but I feel like I didn't earn it.  This week will be different.  I will earn it, whether it's .4lbs or 4 lbs.  I will earn it and I will own it.

Decisions, Decisions

By now it's obvious...I was targeted by a blog troll.  It hit with a bang, then went back into hiding under the bridge of anonymity.  It shook me...

FOR LIKE A MINUTE.  You can't derail this train, baby...it's full steam, all the time.

Had to go to comment moderation though, that stinks!  It stinks, but it's worth it to stop kids and people with basic moral conviction from having to read such horrible drivel.

I thought about it long and hard and I have decided to post a cleaned up version of the comment, just so that we can dissect it here and explain why they have definitely got the wrong person.

Here it goes:

First time reader and I must say that I am impressed with all the hard work you have done. (see how it starts off all complimentary) By saying hard work I mean all the hours you must spending sweating your fat ass off in front of the computer eating Bon bons. (I had to ask a friend what a bon bon actually is, because apparently...I eat them all the time and still don't know, anyway turns out...she didn't know either, another friend was pretty sure that they were chocolate covered ice cream balls...We agreed that the only thing we knew that was similar were Dibs, which must be the trashy version of bon bons.  I purchased them once, 2 years ago...they were freezer burnt***grammar note***what does "you must spending sweating" mean?) I have a few questions about your journey if you could please humor me... 1) how many pilatesballs have you popped during your journey? (Unfortunately, the answer is none.  Pilates balls are guaranteed not to burst, so if they did,  I would be rich.  Clearly I'm not...wishful thinking though) 2) how many stocks should I purchase at Hardees because you put the thick burger on the map. ***grammar note*** How much stock should I purchase.***  How many stocks you purchase is completely up to you, but I would start with one because your intelligence rifle is clearly dismantled and probably broken (I ate a Thickburger once...they are gross.  I hate Hardees...did you know that Hardees goes by different names across the country on the west coast they are called Carl's Jr.  does this confirm that you are local and Midwest...I believe it's plausible 3) you meat skirt ***content removed***makes me want to vomit. How many other people have you made puke. There is no way it can just be. (great...it makes me sick too, that's why I am trying to lose it.  You can find a disposable bag next to your tray table) 4) When will your fat ass stop typing and get your stomach stapled? (NEVER, starting to wonder if by "First time reader" you meant this is the first time you have ever read)Thanks for the good laughs but I have to go puke again (Laughing and puking at the same time. That takes talent.  I hope you don't choke.)after looking at that picture of you in that flower pattern shower curtain!! (You're no Tim Gunn)

This is a blip on the radar screen and this comment deserves no more of my time and effort.  Thank you Anonymous...Thank you for your comment...it convinced me to do 20 extra crunches today. 

The point is, my loyal lovelies...this is an example of the ignorance that is bred in the world everyday about who we are as people  BECAUSE we are overweight, but it does not define us.  The person they describe is not me, it's some caricature of who they want me to be to make it easier to laugh at me, to make me less than human.  To belittle my accomplishments. 

I AM WONDERFULLY MADE...or did you miss that post too? : )

Help Me Fellow Bloggers

Anyone who read the nasty comments left on my blog yesterday...is this what you all have been dealing with making everyone go private?  Concerned because I noticed through traffic sources tab that I was searched specifically by name on Google.  More than a little concerned that the mad commenter is someone I know.  I am not worried about some stupid stuff that someone says that couldn't be further from the truth, but I have had to go to moderating comments...sorry, folks, but my nephews and family read this blog!  Glad that Google tracks traffic sources though....may come in handy.

100 Crunches and The Meat Skirt

I did it!  Last night, I...little old me, did 100 crunches.  I am amazed by me, which if I can floor me...it MUST be good stuff...lol! 

I think I have decided to keep pushing on the crunches.  It doesn't start to feel like work until about 70 now, so..I think that means I can push it.  If I am without pants ("pantless?", if you will) my shirt is no longer that hat that sits upon my upper abdomen accentuating what I affectionately refer to as "the meat skirt". 

Ah...the meat skirt.  Some people cringe at the mere mention of it.  Some laugh.  Others look at me uncomfortable glances...not sure what to say next.  I do not actually remember what made me start referring to my abdomen as the meat skirt, but truthfully I remember the day that nothing could sit on my lap because my stomach SAT on my lap.  The good news is that I have always said that it was church length on it's way to a mini...It's FINALLY getting there!  LOL...my first mini skirt ; \

On the Komen Front!  My friend Amy has finally decided on a name for the Komen team.  It's....THE BREAST TEAM EVER!!!!  I love it!  More to come on that front, but if you wish to join us, keep track of us (don't get all BIG BROTHERY..lol), or support us.... you can like us on Facebook.

Proper Planning, Doing The Right Thing, and Elizabeth Taylor

It is no secret that I do better with food on days that I plan and prepare my own foods, but now and again...I dare to live dangerously, consider my options, go out into the world of much choice and selection and make all the wrong decisions.

I am a fastidious food packer.  I pack a breakfast, lunch and two snacks for my work day.  I normally bring a breakfast of Sandwich Thin w/2 teaspoons of PB or a Bagel Thin w/half a mini cream cheese and a Yogurt.  My morning snack of string cheese and small bag of petite carrots. Lunch consisting of Chicken Breast sandwich, grapes, Sugar Free Jell-o, 100 calorie pack of some type. Afternoon fruity snack or Sugar Free Pudding.  I walk away from a work day and say I have eaten roughly 700-800 calories, leaving me plenty for dinner.  I can usually end an entire day under 1300 calories EASY!

I fell asleep early last night and woke up late, so this morning I walked out the door unprepared for the day.  For breakfast I had 2 scrambled eggs on a Sandwich Thin w/1 strip of bacon (296) calories.  Lunch 6in Meatball Sub on wheat w /Mozzarella cheese from Subway and 1/4th bag of baked lays (595 calories), and for Dinner the cherry on top of Mt. Eat Crappola was a Grilled Cheese Sandwich w/bacon, fries, and a twist cone (852 calories). So, the good news...I am still under my sliding scale of 1500-1800 (barely) and the BAD NEWS I ate nary a veggie or fruit all day.  Nothing healthy fueled this body...all junk, junk, junk.  Calories be damned...I totally short changed myself on all fronts.  Dietary fail.  My worst in a LONG time.

Enough bellyaching bout that (and I am seriously in gastric-intestinal distress)....how do I combat it?  I have already made my lunch for tomorrow.  There will be NO ROUND 2.

So, total pop culture faux pas today...(which is totally unlike me accept for the time I confused Kim Richards with Kim Fields *right Scott?)  In learning of the passing of Elizabeth Taylor, I, in error, gave her credit for Millie Perkins role in 1959's The Diary of Anne Frank.  ( Liz...I am sure you would have been wonderful as well).  I may have even said that her portrayal brought Anne Frank to life for me (may have said?  I may as well have yelled it from the rooftops via Twitter**idiot**)  Instead I now have to admit that while I have seen plenty of films starring Ms. Taylor, my only thought provoking references are of her and Michael Jackson and of course, White Diamonds. (well, the SNL White Diamonds parody commercial**Von Ryan...these have always brought me luck**)  Disappointing for us both, I'm sure.

Good Day, Sunshine!

I wasn't kidding about the Flip Flop of this journey!  Shortly after posting last night I made myself some scrambled eggs, took some ibuprofen, and fell asleep.  I awoke at the crack, like always 3:45am and prepared for work feeling renewed and 1000 times better. (Didn't even Neti this morning).

I packed my breakfast and my lunch and off to work I went. Boring, Boring, Boring, laughing, laughing, laughing, trying to stop myself from choking co-worker, Boring, Boring, Boring.  (Now you're informed of what it is like to work in the insurance industry). 

My friend,  Amy, is running a half marathon in a few weeks and she ran 9 miles yesterday.  I am completely in awe and I have no desire to do this at the same time! (lol)  I have been keeping up somewhat with my training for the Komen...I just really feel like I bit more off than I can chew. I can't even run a solid quarter mile straight.  I am not giving up, but I am partially resolving within myself that I may have to walk it.  Even thinking it feels like a failure on my part, but I have to get out of that frame of mind.  Either way, I am doing something that I would have never done before and training for it has taken me to places and accomplishments I may have never seen otherwise.  I will continue to push for it!

Tonight when I came home from work, hungry kids had to wait.  I did 15 minutes on the treadmill at 3.0, upper body building, and then the crunch challenge, which I abandoned yesterday and picked back up at 90 crunches today!  Today was the last of a few beautiful days for awhile...it seems that winter is supposed to be rearing it's ugly head this week and part of next.

From here on out, I want to try to keep my eye on the prize.  This last week showed me what is really possible for me and while I know it is unrealistic to expect that dramatic of a loss every week, it should not stop me from trying for it!