Sunday, April 10, 2011

Emotional Rollercoaster

No excuses...but these are the facts.  I weighed in this morning at 281.2.  Last night before I went to bed...I weighed 280.2.  Yesterday morning...I weighed in at 279.2.  2 pounds in 24 hours and I haven't had 3500 calories, let alone 7000.

I haven't binged, I haven't eaten poorly.  Yesterday was my anniversary and we DID go to Olive Garden and I did order the Pork Milanese which is my favorite and super high in calories, but I only ate half of it and brought the other half home.  I did have a small dessert that they call a Dolcini, I believe, but this was celebration and it is one time and it was planned for over the entire day.  Again not making excuses, just wanting to be honest.

My anniversary celebration...did not go as planned.  I soo over planned every detail and everything I wanted to feel and I was let down. Mostly my fault.  Since my layoff news, hubby and I went back and forth on whether or not we should even go...I convinced him that we should.  Not having any $$ is still a bit off in the distance.  My last day is 05/06/2011.  I have nearly 5 months of severance after that, if I can work more conducive hours, I can be at home to get my eldest on the bus and my youngest can stay home or go to limited daycare, then I can dramatically reduce our household expenses.  Requiring less of a financial input from me.  So it was decided...we would go out.

Saturday went like this for me...  Cancelled Komen team captain's meeting because the website was self explanatory,  Slept in.  Overslept.  Ran like a chicken with it's head cut off to bathe myself and my children before my cousin's (yes MY COUSIN'S) first birthday party (yes..I said first)!  Hubby took off work the whole day to spend with me and be with me.  Got to the party, talked to family too long.  Hubby overate despite my warnings and his camel like belly would probably not desire to eat at any point. (ARGH---there go my dinner plans)  Left the party and it was decided that we lived too far away to go home and dress all fancily before going out.  (total disappointment at not getting a chance to wear the dress, after's what I have been working towards).  Then of course, hubby was not hungry, so the afternoon became an angry and confusing stand off of "what do you want to do...whatever you want to do"  (insert more uggghs here)  I finally agreed to go to Swing Around Fun Town, where on my 12th anniversary  my hubby and I swung our hearts out in the batting cages and played 3 courses of mini golf.  It was nice to do something more physical, but it broke my anniversary heart (yes, I have several hearts).  Then off to Olive Garden, where hubby said he would "watch me eat" (with all the other spectators, I thought)  they sat us in the sad, Nursing Home cafeteria looking section with all the geriatrics and families with screaming kids.  We could not be moved, they were too busy.  Jim was Jim.  I love him, but he wouldn't quit looking at his cellphone and playing ringtones out loud, eating only the tops of the breadsticks as if the bottom were rinds, and once we were done and just kind of enjoying conversation, his phone rang.  He's a loud talker and the glances from the fogeys told me we had to leave or we would be subject to a pitchfork and torch style angry mob.  I got him out of there as quickly as possible.  We drove home.  It was 8pm.  I was sad.

This was my time to feel special.  I did not.  It's not Jim's fault...I built it up.  I worked so hard to improve the looks of that dress and there was no payoff.  That's how it always is with me...I work so hard and things NEVER go my way.

I am struggling to be positive in face of adversity, but I feel like I have worked so hard and have suffered so long because of  his prior decisions and now, I can't even pat myself on the back for holding it all together, because I can no longer hold it all together. 

Today is my actual anniversary.  I am completely alone.  The kids are with their Kiki and Jim is working.  I have been up since 2am combing through job listings.  Submitting resumes through email.  Organizing where I have applied by description and location for easy reference, and feeling this nagging in my heart that I should be writing, but kicking myself at the same time for not going to college.

The struggles with food are so apparent at this point.  It's 10:20.  I haven't eaten anything today, which is bad, but at the same time it's because I am afraid to eat.  I have done so well and losing this weight is more important than ever, but every sentence that scrolls through my brain is punctuated by what I would like to eat and the "hole in my heart that can only be filled by food" (private joke...sorry) can actually be FELT today.  Recognizing it is a huge accomplishment for me.  I will not backslide.  I refuse to backslide.


  1. I just typed you a HUGE comment but Blogger ate it- so I guess I'd better 'copy' this one before sending 'just in case'.

    1- Happy Anniversary!
    2- Big HUGS
    3- Eat- your body needs it :)
    4- I'm sorry that your anniversary dinner date with hubby didn't go as planned and I can understand your frustration of him playing with the phone while y'all were supposed to be having some together time. Maybe the two of you can work out a deal that he doesn't do things like that when you're out and you can maybe put the phone in your bag so he isn't tempted and 'mute' it so he doesn't hear any message sounds etc.. Maybe you can talk to him about the way you're feeling and the two of you can have a 'redo' anniversary even though it wasn't what you'd hoped.

    I'm sorry you are feeling so much frustration and disappointment..

    As far as the scales go- Don't believe them. The weight gain is not always 'real' and I would suspect that it's fluids you're holding on to from eating at the Olive Garden. Even though you didn't eat over what you should have, often times restaurants have much more sodium in their foods than we do at home and that can always show up on the scales.. I know it does with me. Little things can make our bodies fluxuate as much as 5 pounds over the course of a day- so I wouldn't take that number seriously because YOU KNOW in your heart that it can't realistically be real.

    That's why I do not weigh myself daily because I know how much I can fluxuate daily. I have decided to stop putting all my faith in the scale and the numbers and while I use it as a tool, I don't let it stress me out when I know I'm making the right choices- becuase the numbers will follow suit.

    I'm not sure how long you've been watching the Biggest Loser, but in season two- Matt (who went on to win) gained (I think it was) around 17 pounds at one of the weigh ins.. I think he threw it for whateve reason I can't remember.. but he drank a lot of water just before the weigh in and since it hadn't come 'out' it was a huge gain, but yet not a 'real' gain.

    I've had the same thing= few weeks back a 6 pound gain over the course of two days.. I knew it wasn't real in spite of having a little chocolate. I waited a few days- and voila' it was gone :) It was fluid- or who knows what..

    Be kind to yourself. You deserve it. *hugs* Hang in there- Things will get better. You are doing an awesome job! Look at the progress you are making and that's a GREAT thing to be proud of and to celebrate! Yeah YOU!

  2. So sorry your anniversary wasn't like you planned. And I would have smacked my hubby over the head with his phone if he did that! Just sayin'!

  3. *Big hug!!
    Christie, first of all, that weight gain could be anything. More salt than you are used to in something you ate could have easily caused you to retain water. Please don't worry too much about it. You know you have been doing well, don't let this number send you into a tailspin.
    I'm so sorry that your anniversary didn't go the way you had planned. Maybe a 12 and 1/4 anniversary celebration is in order?
    I applaude your determination to not backslide. If you keep doing the right things the weight will come off!
    Hang in there. I speak from personal experience when I say that as sh*&&y as you may feel, you DO NOT feel better when you decide to give up and gain back even some of the weight.

  4. sounds like it's time for you to go to college.

  5. I'm sorry things did not go to plan, and the place you sat and the people you had to sit with ( screaming kids?) were also to blame for the feeling of it not being right.
    This isn't a real gain, it can't be. You just have to keep going. It isn't easy..thats why we are all blogging because we need support and encouragement and help cos its HARD.
    I don't weigh at all because I can't bear the upsets of the swings...I just keep plodding on doing the right things because for all of us...(THIS MEANS YOU TOO) if we keep on doing the right things , the numbers will come good. They will. Just keep going x

  6. *HUGS*

    Happy Anniversary!

    Sorry that it was not all you'd planned. I hate how real life does not match our fantasies. I think they need to start reading the same memo, dadgum.

    I agree with Wizardess about telling Jim that the phone irks the crap out of you at dinner (well, in a much nicer, more civil way) and that when he answers it or plays with during one on one time, it's rude and hurtful.

    And more *hugs*