Mom...you may want to avoid this one.
What? On a weight loss blog? Yes, simply yes....
Anyone who has gone back and read my blog from the beginning knows that as a kid...my life was topsy turvy. My parents divorced when I was young. My dad was a visitor in my life, ( I love my dad, but it is still a lot like this in a lot of ways) we lived with my grandparents a lot, my mom got remarried to an abuser, my dad married a woman who was 10 years older than me (I am completely over this now, Mona...it's cool), my mom got divorced again, moved us away from everything we ever knew, grandparent's followed (yay!), and then after several years and I was an adult, my mom remarried again. WHEW!
I was an insecure, fat, little girl. The why is unimportant at this point. Many of you know that my first step-father was abusive verbally, physically, and emotionally, but his weapon of choice was food. I was 10 or 11 when they married and weighed 150 lbs. When they divorced a year later, I was 75 lbs. My step father had three kids. They did not live with us. His oldest had nothing to do with him and I NEVER met her, his son was a golden child and the only important person in his life and it is more than agreed upon in some circles (my sisters and I) that he had abused his youngest daughter. I do not recall ever being pressured into "being like sisters" to his kids or being one big happy family. They were never around.
My step-mom also has three kids. Except for times when I actually lived in their home and visits, I have never really spent a lot of time with them either. I am older than all of them and I have lots of affectionate memories of them and had a lot of laughs with them as kids, but in no way trying to hurt any feelings, they are not my sister and brothers, they are like cousins, ya know? They are familiar to me and I would welcome them in my home, I would try to help them if I could, but I don't have a sisterly connection to them. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying that. While I hate to use the word "bad" when categorizing things that I feel, I don't think that is "bad".
My mom remarried when I was an adult. I didn't live in her home. I didn't particularly care for him at the time (He's the best Papa in the world to my kids now and I KNOW he has a good heart). He has three kids. Three girls, just like my mom. I met the youngest two right away and have a strong and immediate connection to the youngest, she is hysterical, sweet, and I have always enjoyed her company. I didn't meet his oldest daughter until several years later, after we had both had children. I haven't spent a whole lot of time with her, but what I know about her...I think she is a lovely person, has a lovely family and so on...I do not get along AT ALL with his middle daughter. Too many negative experiences to count. We no longer speak. This...has caused a rift.
The why is not important.
The result is.
My family can no longer be a family altogether because of this. Common sense would say let bygones be bygones and move on, however, my life and property were threatened by her and her husband, so I do not feel comfortable in their presence. Being around them is a time bomb waiting to happen. A breaking news segment, if you will. The pressure that is on me to rectify this situation is palpable. I refuse. I wouldn't let a random stranger affect me like this and in essence this is nothing more than that.
But, you're sisters...people say. But...we're not. Is that "bad" that I feel that way? It doesn't mean that I can't or don't like you. There is nothing about ANYTHING that has happened in my life that made us sisters.
I didn't choose my sisters, but I have known them since birth. I have hated and loved them, beat them up and defended them. They are the only true family I have that is not convoluted in some way. They are the purest form of "I've been through that, too." that I have. They know the bad and have survived it with me. They know the truth that is me that even I don't want to face and I know the same about them. The title of sister is an earned badge. A common shared sadness. Damaged together, survived together, victorious together!
There is nothing that I could say to one of my sisters that would end that relationship, in the end, it's always worth patching because we UNDERSTAND each other. It's an unwritten language that we have developed over time.
So, it utterly destroys me inside when people say "but you're sisters".
My sisters and I are all fat. Genetics you may say, but you would be incorrect. Every pound on these little tiny frames that we have is HURT. It's protection.
To my sisters...we do not need these shells any longer. We are stronger than we were. People can no longer hurt us unless we let them close enough to hurt us and we get to choose the people we let in now.
To my steps, I truly hope that you understand where I am coming from with this...I truly enjoy our conversations and times we have spent together, but I would rather call you friends because then...we have a choice in the matter. Not a forced relationship.
To my mom, (because you can not follow instructions) I love you! This is not about you.
I may be wrong for posting this, but I would rather ask for forgiveness, than permission.
What? On a weight loss blog? Yes, simply yes....
Anyone who has gone back and read my blog from the beginning knows that as a kid...my life was topsy turvy. My parents divorced when I was young. My dad was a visitor in my life, ( I love my dad, but it is still a lot like this in a lot of ways) we lived with my grandparents a lot, my mom got remarried to an abuser, my dad married a woman who was 10 years older than me (I am completely over this now, Mona...it's cool), my mom got divorced again, moved us away from everything we ever knew, grandparent's followed (yay!), and then after several years and I was an adult, my mom remarried again. WHEW!
I was an insecure, fat, little girl. The why is unimportant at this point. Many of you know that my first step-father was abusive verbally, physically, and emotionally, but his weapon of choice was food. I was 10 or 11 when they married and weighed 150 lbs. When they divorced a year later, I was 75 lbs. My step father had three kids. They did not live with us. His oldest had nothing to do with him and I NEVER met her, his son was a golden child and the only important person in his life and it is more than agreed upon in some circles (my sisters and I) that he had abused his youngest daughter. I do not recall ever being pressured into "being like sisters" to his kids or being one big happy family. They were never around.
My step-mom also has three kids. Except for times when I actually lived in their home and visits, I have never really spent a lot of time with them either. I am older than all of them and I have lots of affectionate memories of them and had a lot of laughs with them as kids, but in no way trying to hurt any feelings, they are not my sister and brothers, they are like cousins, ya know? They are familiar to me and I would welcome them in my home, I would try to help them if I could, but I don't have a sisterly connection to them. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying that. While I hate to use the word "bad" when categorizing things that I feel, I don't think that is "bad".
My mom remarried when I was an adult. I didn't live in her home. I didn't particularly care for him at the time (He's the best Papa in the world to my kids now and I KNOW he has a good heart). He has three kids. Three girls, just like my mom. I met the youngest two right away and have a strong and immediate connection to the youngest, she is hysterical, sweet, and I have always enjoyed her company. I didn't meet his oldest daughter until several years later, after we had both had children. I haven't spent a whole lot of time with her, but what I know about her...I think she is a lovely person, has a lovely family and so on...I do not get along AT ALL with his middle daughter. Too many negative experiences to count. We no longer speak. This...has caused a rift.
The why is not important.
The result is.
My family can no longer be a family altogether because of this. Common sense would say let bygones be bygones and move on, however, my life and property were threatened by her and her husband, so I do not feel comfortable in their presence. Being around them is a time bomb waiting to happen. A breaking news segment, if you will. The pressure that is on me to rectify this situation is palpable. I refuse. I wouldn't let a random stranger affect me like this and in essence this is nothing more than that.
But, you're sisters...people say. But...we're not. Is that "bad" that I feel that way? It doesn't mean that I can't or don't like you. There is nothing about ANYTHING that has happened in my life that made us sisters.
I didn't choose my sisters, but I have known them since birth. I have hated and loved them, beat them up and defended them. They are the only true family I have that is not convoluted in some way. They are the purest form of "I've been through that, too." that I have. They know the bad and have survived it with me. They know the truth that is me that even I don't want to face and I know the same about them. The title of sister is an earned badge. A common shared sadness. Damaged together, survived together, victorious together!
There is nothing that I could say to one of my sisters that would end that relationship, in the end, it's always worth patching because we UNDERSTAND each other. It's an unwritten language that we have developed over time.
So, it utterly destroys me inside when people say "but you're sisters".
My sisters and I are all fat. Genetics you may say, but you would be incorrect. Every pound on these little tiny frames that we have is HURT. It's protection.
To my sisters...we do not need these shells any longer. We are stronger than we were. People can no longer hurt us unless we let them close enough to hurt us and we get to choose the people we let in now.
To my steps, I truly hope that you understand where I am coming from with this...I truly enjoy our conversations and times we have spent together, but I would rather call you friends because then...we have a choice in the matter. Not a forced relationship.
To my mom, (because you can not follow instructions) I love you! This is not about you.
I may be wrong for posting this, but I would rather ask for forgiveness, than permission.
Parenting is the most important thing we undertake and the one we undertake with the least preparation. I could identify with some of the things you write hear and applaud you for opening up. We hold so much inside don't we? There comes a time, for our own welfare, that these things must surface and be dealt with so that we can go on. Food can become something it was not meant to be in the mind of child who has just so many options when it comes to physical and emotional protection. Children depend on their parents for protection and when it is not there, they are left to their own devices - something they are not prepared to do and shouldn't have to do. But - it is what it is. We have survived; we must play the hand we were dealt and take charge of our lives and futures. We are trying to build a house without a firm foundation but we can back up and deal with that foundation for what it was, learn from it, and live. You are going to be OK.
ReplyDeleteChristie, I have always viewed you, Suzanne, and Tori (Vicky, whatever lol), as my sisters. Considering we've known each other our entire lives, our moms were best friends...it just seems...less than equal to call you anything but. I completely understand why you feel the way you do and I commend you for laying yourself out the way you do. I was too young to understand what went on with first ex husband but after growing up and hearing stories from my own sister, I totally understand how you three "survived" that marriage. You are totally right - no one can hurt you ladies anymore without your permission!
ReplyDeleteFamilies are so complicated. I have one brother. We are not particularly close. He has been married to one wife for 18 years. She is my sister-in-law and she is just one of the most difficult women I know, catty, competitive when there is no need and she celebrates my failings and ignores my achievements. I always wanted a sister. My brother has a child with a previous girlfriend - and he wont speak to this girl - and she and I are great friends. I wish she had been my sister-in-law. Telling the truth about how you really feel about your family is YOUR truth and it is liberating to be able to express it. It seems the little you overcame some big hurdles in life - you most definitely ARE strong.
ReplyDeleteDawn
I have been very blessed with my family. There is no one, even in my extended family that I don't get along with. Mind you there are definately a few quirky cousins!
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I think you would be doing yourself and your family, (husband and kids) a disservice (sp?) to let someone into you life that is toxic. Just because we are related in some way to someone does not mean that we need to give them an automatic pass for bad behaviour.
MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY BRENDALYN!- My sister in law (janzilla) has driven a wedge between my brother and the rest of the family, he allowed it. Choices...Christie coming from where we work, we know toxic and it isnt good.
ReplyDelete