Depression Hurts

I didn't post my weigh in this week.  Oddly fitting since I haven't been posting much of anything lately.  The reason I didn't post is probably not a shocker to anyone but me. Sunday, when I got on the scale I was looking at 286.6.  Not expected.  Seems wrong to me, but there is was in black digital copy.  I have increased the number of cheeseburgers I have eaten, but c'mon!  Needless to say in the midst of deciding to step up from my downward spiral...I got knocked down again.

I gave myself an opportunity to really process it.

I even ignored a blatant attempt by my grandma to have me tell her about how my weigh in went. (sorry granny)

Anywho...it is what it is and if I am EVER going to get over this hump...I have to move on.  I am responsible for myself and my actions.

I am walking in a beginning 5K on the 7th, the day after my last day of work.  Then my schedule is wide open to train for the Komen.  I will be praying for strength.

This Party Is Over

Officially.  I am shutting down this pity party.  Not that I feel any better about any of the stuff that I am going through, but I am giving it to God.  I am walking away from it and RUNNING into the future! I will still have down days, but I have lost focus and I need to put everything into focus because if I am losing sight of something so important, I am losing focus on everything. 

Last night, tornadoes hit my area again.  I looked at these photos and stories.  How can I not see how blessed I truly am.  Luckily, my family and friends are all ok.  (major storm damage is about 35 miles from where I live, but in an area where I used to work)

The scale is a SHOCKER and not in a good way, but that is for tomorrow.

I'm still here

...and hangin' in.

I am not doing well, but I am here. 

I had to turn down a job interview today.  Which stinks, of course, but under the terms of my severance, I couldn't start when they needed me too.  I would drop the severance in a heartbeat, but I can not LOSE my insurance and the only way I can pay for Cobra is to have a job and the severance check while I wait for any insurance waiting period.

I haven't heard back from the interview that I had over the phone.  They didn't call me back and they did not return my follow up call that they requested...so..who knows?

The worst part is going into that place everyday.  In some ways, it's a relief.  I hated that place sooo much, so to be "forced" to look for something else is good, but at the same time, I have been there for 8 years and my co-workers are like family.

So...what you came here to read about is that I have not been following my meal plan.  I have not been binging or going crazy with food, but I have not been eating healthy.  I know it.  I recognize it.  I am getting it under control.  I have not weighed myself.  The last thing I need is more bad news.

I am telling you all this because it is important to me to be honest with you.  Thank you for all of your kind words and worrying about me...I appreciate it (especially you Brendalyn!)!  This is but a rocky part of my journey and I still have the Komen to tackle!

: )

It's Always Darkest Before The Dawn and Other Random Spatterings

So...thanks for hanging in there with me.  I think I am on the upswing. 

A few things have happened since we last saw our heroine...

I had a phone interview and I am qualified for the position.

and

I had a two hour massage.  (Not to complain, but I will never do this again..too much of a good thing, got bored, wanted to go home)

I also got a pedicure and a full set of acrylic nails, french manicure style.  Tried to find some interview style clothing at the Fashion Bug, but NO SUCH LUCK.  Oh, well!!!  I will keep looking.

Going back to work tomorrow...trying to stay on track foodwise and trying not to think about the job too much.

This evening I am attending the wedding  of the letter Q and the letter U for my daughters kindergarten class.  Should be fun...will take photos, they HAVE GOT to be worth seeing, right?

Haven't been commenting on blogs lately, I'm out there though...reading and rooting for you.  Hope to be back to normal soon....well, at least like I was before the job thing...LOL!

Emotional Rollercoaster

No excuses...but these are the facts.  I weighed in this morning at 281.2.  Last night before I went to bed...I weighed 280.2.  Yesterday morning...I weighed in at 279.2.  2 pounds in 24 hours and I haven't had 3500 calories, let alone 7000.

I haven't binged, I haven't eaten poorly.  Yesterday was my anniversary and we DID go to Olive Garden and I did order the Pork Milanese which is my favorite and super high in calories, but I only ate half of it and brought the other half home.  I did have a small dessert that they call a Dolcini, I believe, but this was celebration and it is one time and it was planned for over the entire day.  Again not making excuses, just wanting to be honest.

My anniversary celebration...did not go as planned.  I soo over planned every detail and everything I wanted to feel and I was let down. Mostly my fault.  Since my layoff news, hubby and I went back and forth on whether or not we should even go...I convinced him that we should.  Not having any $$ is still a bit off in the distance.  My last day is 05/06/2011.  I have nearly 5 months of severance after that, if I can work more conducive hours, I can be at home to get my eldest on the bus and my youngest can stay home or go to limited daycare, then I can dramatically reduce our household expenses.  Requiring less of a financial input from me.  So it was decided...we would go out.

Saturday went like this for me...  Cancelled Komen team captain's meeting because the website was self explanatory,  Slept in.  Overslept.  Ran like a chicken with it's head cut off to bathe myself and my children before my cousin's (yes MY COUSIN'S) first birthday party (yes..I said first)...lol!  Hubby took off work the whole day to spend with me and be with me.  Got to the party, talked to family too long.  Hubby overate despite my warnings and his camel like belly would probably not desire to eat at any point. (ARGH---there go my dinner plans)  Left the party and it was decided that we lived too far away to go home and dress all fancily before going out.  (total disappointment at not getting a chance to wear the dress, after all...it's what I have been working towards).  Then of course, hubby was not hungry, so the afternoon became an angry and confusing stand off of "what do you want to do...whatever you want to do"  (insert more uggghs here)  I finally agreed to go to Swing Around Fun Town, where on my 12th anniversary  my hubby and I swung our hearts out in the batting cages and played 3 courses of mini golf.  It was nice to do something more physical, but it broke my anniversary heart (yes, I have several hearts).  Then off to Olive Garden, where hubby said he would "watch me eat" (with all the other spectators, I thought)  they sat us in the sad, Nursing Home cafeteria looking section with all the geriatrics and families with screaming kids.  We could not be moved, they were too busy.  Jim was Jim.  I love him, but he wouldn't quit looking at his cellphone and playing ringtones out loud, eating only the tops of the breadsticks as if the bottom were rinds, and once we were done and just kind of enjoying conversation, his phone rang.  He's a loud talker and the glances from the fogeys told me we had to leave or we would be subject to a pitchfork and torch style angry mob.  I got him out of there as quickly as possible.  We drove home.  It was 8pm.  I was sad.

This was my time to feel special.  I did not.  It's not Jim's fault...I built it up.  I worked so hard to improve the looks of that dress and there was no payoff.  That's how it always is with me...I work so hard and things NEVER go my way.

I am struggling to be positive in face of adversity, but I feel like I have worked so hard and have suffered so long because of  his prior decisions and now, I can't even pat myself on the back for holding it all together, because I can no longer hold it all together. 

Today is my actual anniversary.  I am completely alone.  The kids are with their Kiki and Jim is working.  I have been up since 2am combing through job listings.  Submitting resumes through email.  Organizing where I have applied by description and location for easy reference, and feeling this nagging in my heart that I should be writing, but kicking myself at the same time for not going to college.

The struggles with food are so apparent at this point.  It's 10:20.  I haven't eaten anything today, which is bad, but at the same time it's because I am afraid to eat.  I have done so well and losing this weight is more important than ever, but every sentence that scrolls through my brain is punctuated by what I would like to eat and the "hole in my heart that can only be filled by food" (private joke...sorry) can actually be FELT today.  Recognizing it is a huge accomplishment for me.  I will not backslide.  I refuse to backslide.

The Blended Family

Mom...you may want to avoid this one.

What? On a weight loss blog?  Yes, simply yes....

Anyone who has gone back and read my blog from the beginning knows that as a kid...my life was topsy turvy.  My parents divorced when I was young.  My dad was a visitor in my life, ( I love my dad, but it is still a lot like this in a lot of ways) we lived with my grandparents a lot, my mom got remarried to an abuser, my dad married a woman who was 10 years older than me (I am completely over this now, Mona...it's cool), my mom got divorced again, moved us away from everything we ever knew, grandparent's followed (yay!), and then after several years and I was an adult, my mom remarried again.  WHEW!

I was an insecure, fat, little girl.  The why is unimportant at this point.  Many of you know that my first step-father was abusive verbally, physically, and emotionally, but his weapon of choice was food.  I was 10 or 11 when they married and weighed 150 lbs.  When they divorced a year later, I was 75 lbs.  My step father had three kids.  They did not live with us.  His oldest had nothing to do with him and I NEVER met her, his son was a golden child and the only important person in his life and it is more than agreed upon in some circles (my sisters and I) that he had abused his youngest daughter.  I do not recall ever being pressured into "being like sisters" to his kids or being one big happy family.  They were never around.

My step-mom also has three kids.  Except for times when I actually lived in their home and visits, I have never really spent a lot of time with them either.  I am older than all of them and I have lots of affectionate memories of them and had a lot of laughs with them as kids, but in no way trying to hurt any feelings, they are not my sister and brothers, they are like cousins, ya know?  They are familiar to me and I would welcome them in my home, I would try to help them if I could, but I don't have a sisterly connection to them.  I don't think there is anything wrong with saying that.  While I hate to use the word "bad" when categorizing things that I feel, I don't think that is "bad".

My mom remarried when I was an adult.  I didn't live in her home.  I didn't particularly care for him at the time (He's the best Papa  in the world to my kids now and I KNOW he has a good heart).  He has three kids.  Three girls, just like my mom.  I met the youngest two right away and have a strong and immediate connection to the youngest, she is hysterical, sweet, and I have always enjoyed her company.  I didn't meet his oldest daughter until several years later, after we had both had children.  I haven't spent a whole lot of time with her, but what I know about her...I think she is a lovely person, has a lovely family and so on...I do not get along AT ALL with his middle daughter. Too many negative experiences to count.  We no longer speak.  This...has caused a rift.

The why is not important. 

The result is.

 My family can no longer be a family altogether because of this.  Common sense would say let bygones be bygones and move on, however, my life and property were threatened by her and her husband, so I do not feel comfortable in their presence.  Being around them is a time bomb waiting to happen.  A breaking news segment, if you will.  The pressure that is on me to rectify this situation is palpable.  I refuse.  I wouldn't let a random stranger affect me like this and in essence this is nothing more than that. 

But, you're sisters...people say.  But...we're not.  Is that "bad" that I feel that way?  It doesn't mean that I can't or don't like you.  There is nothing about ANYTHING that has happened in my life that made us sisters. 

I didn't choose my sisters, but I have known them since birth.  I have hated and loved them, beat them up and defended them.  They are the only true family I have that is not convoluted in some way.  They are the purest form of "I've been through that, too." that I have.  They know the bad and have survived it with me.  They know the truth that is me that even I don't want to face and I know the same about them.  The title of sister is an earned badge.  A common shared sadness.  Damaged together, survived together, victorious together! 

There is nothing that I could say to one of my sisters that would end that relationship, in the end, it's always worth patching because we UNDERSTAND each other.  It's an unwritten language that we have developed over time.

So, it utterly destroys me inside when people say "but you're sisters". 

My sisters and I are all fat.  Genetics you may say, but you would be incorrect.  Every pound on these little tiny frames that we have is HURT.  It's protection. 

To my sisters...we do not need these shells any longer.  We are stronger than we were.  People can no longer hurt us unless we let them close enough to hurt us and we get to choose the people we let in now.

To my steps, I truly hope that you understand where I am coming from with this...I truly enjoy our conversations and times we have spent together, but I would rather call you friends because then...we have a choice in the matter.  Not a forced relationship.

To my mom, (because you can not follow instructions) I love you!  This is not about you.

I may be wrong for posting this, but I would rather ask for forgiveness, than permission.

Unexpected News

When life hands you lemons...you make lemonade!  Sit down and have a glass.

I  have been handed some pretty big lemons over the last week, so the pitchers full!  It all culminated today in the most unexpected news. I was laid off. 

I have worked at my current company for almost 8 years.  We've been sold out and through numerous scares that the department would be eliminated, but we have always remained strong and pulled through, but today was a low day at work as myself and approximately 30 of my co-workers got the big old boot!  Pretty sucky for a company with a slogan of "responsibility".  I was given the choice between a job 5 levels below mine and approximately 10,000.00 less per year or a severance package and 30 days notice.  I am opting for the severance.

Things were crazy today.  I left work early, took a vacation day tomorrow and Monday.  I met for lunch with some of my friends who at this point are like my family.  I was very upset.  I wanted to eat fries and a burger and all kinds of stuff that would stop my heart from aching, but I did not.  I got the chicken off the Applebees 550 menu.  My friend Scott even gave me the nod of approval for not throwing in the towel on that one. 

I am praying for some kind of relief.  I HATED THAT JOB, but it paid my bills, and made sure my kids were clothed, fed, and had medical care and NOW...it's all up in the air.  Really sad today guys!

Many Are Called, Few Are Chosen

That makes me laugh. I suppose anything taken out of context can seem ridiculous. I was watching Mildred Pierce on HBO, Monday night and some dude said it.  That's kind of how I see this whole weight loss thing (which is probably an unhealthy way of looking at it).  Think about all the money that is spent on losing weight in a year.  Personally, I spent about 3,500.00 last year.  Trainers, treadmill, recumbent bike, workout clothes, shoes, socks...etc.  Every dollar spent trying to lose something you gave to yourself.  It seems crazy because before I came here..that's kind of how it seemed to me.  Many people diet, Few Succeed.  I have dieted before this and have been mildly successful.  I have never had to work this hard for it though. 

The blogging world has changed my opinion of that.  I see people succeed, people fall off the wagon, people get back up!  I see pressing on through adversity, staying positive, acknowledging your mistakes and moving on!  All of these things make me believe that I can do this too!

My little corner of the Internet is where I found some things that I lost quite some time ago (long before the Internet was a household deal)...little pieces of me.

I have been missing from my corner over the past few days.  I was feeling kinda downtrodden.  I followed my meal plan at about 80% and did no exercise until tonight.  The plan for today was easy come home and TROUNCE that mile time.  I was going to run for 1:15 minute intervals and I was going to beat the 19:59 mile time.  13:42, .753miles, so close, but it was not to be.  At 13:42 in...I gave up.  That's right folks!  Set to beat my best time ever and I just said, "I can't do this" and stopped the treadmill.  I was hot and I was sweaty and I felt horrible.  I thought I was going to puke and it was by the grace of God and water that I did not.  I sat in my chair and I started to cry.  "I just can't do it" I thought repeatedly.  As I sat there for a minute, I thought about how it's all a waste.  All the $$ spent, all the time lost, ALL A WASTE! Time to give up the ghost.  I have admitted defeat.

I would've done it.  I did it the other day.  I gave up on me.  It felt horrible and familiar.  I knew that I could do better than this.  I have done better than this.  I WAS NOT getting back on that treadmill.  I DID do 25 minutes on the recumbent bike.  Today, I gave up, but only for a minute.  I may not have accomplished what I set out to do today, but I still accomplished something, and that something is still an improvement over where I have been.  That something is still a step in the right direction.  If I don't believe in myself, I will never get anywhere, but it has been so hard to believe in me this week.  I am the only one that's gonna get me there. 

I'm not "back", but I'm getting there.

Woo Hoo!

Anybody here cry...when they exercise?  It's becoming a staple with me.  I haven't decided if it's a good or a bad thing yet, but I can tell you that it comes from the desire to accomplish something physical, then I cry after I reach the goal because I am so shocked and proud that I did it!  Yesterday morning, after I blogged about my horrible Saturday and got dressed while standing on my still damp carpeting, I went down to do my mile.  I was bound and determined to run at 4mph, even though I had never done it before.

I started off at 2.6 for 2 minutes and then I bumped it up .1 every 30 seconds.  After 30 sec at 3.0 and figuring that I was good and warmed up at this point, I went for the money shot...4.0(do you hear the angels...do ya?) Here goes nothin'.  Ran it straight for a minute.  At the end of 60 sec I went back to 2.7 and the increases, but I ran at 4.0 not once, not twice, but 5 times for 1 minute straight.  It killed me!  Ok...well... it maimed me a little.  After I was done on the treadmill I had done two things I have been wanting to accomplish.  Running at 4.0, and I completed a mile in under 20 minutes.  19:59 to be exact.  I shaved a total of 29 seconds of my mile time this week.  YAY!!!!!!!!! (pats herself on back with both hands)

We purchased fans at Wally World to help with the drying of our floors and basement and then of course did our weekly grocery shopping.  Hubby got work while we were there and left the store.  I immediately felt bummed.  I had to drive to the gym where I used to be a member to return the key card and no one was there, I was starving and 10 miles away from home.  I live rural, so once your home, you can avoid the temptation of fast food or even pizza delivery because it's just not happening, but when you're out, the demons come calling.  McDonald's is right there, KFC is right there.  Subway is right there.  AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  Then my eldest must have seen my wheels turning cause she piped up with..."Mommy, let's just go get some lunch just us as a family before we get home."  Yeah!  Let's do that I thought, while listening to my devil and shoulder angel continue to argue back and forth.  Then, my little one screams at the top of her lungs..."NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" "Erica, what's going on?" I inquired.  "We have to eat healthy." she stated.  I smiled.  She IS RIGHT after all.  Disaster averted!

Came home and made the girls some PB& J on Sandwich Thins (all reduced sugar), petite carrots, and an orange.  I had an orange to hold me over and grilled steak and veggies for dinner.  Successful Sunday!

Turn, Turn, Turn and a Weigh in

A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep
~The Bible as adapted by The Byrds 1965

This past week has been super STRESSFUL.  So no surprise that it ended on the note that it did.  Yesterday...was my time to weep, today is my time to laugh...at myself.

Yesterday was a beautiful day.  Birthday celebration for the nephew went off without a hitch, well almost ;)~!  Sister in law is having another BOY!!!  LOL.  She's disappointed, but he will be just as great as the other three! We had a great time, though and then the littles started getting restless and it was time to go home.  The food...well, it was more of a challenge than I had expected.  I knew it was coming so I tried to prepare myself.  I only had 298 calories before I left the house and I thought that I could get through it and control myself.  I was only partially right.  Started off with a small salad and cottage cheese, you know fill up with good stuff and moderate the bad.  I then had two small baked chicken legs, a very small portion of spaghetti (maybe .5 cup probably less) and then I met the devil...Garlic Cheese Crust.  I had one.  It was fantastic.  As I sat there and watched the buffet mentality play out...mainly in my hubby.  I got lost in it.  I got another plate another chicken leg and two more pieces of garlic crust...ugh.  Then I topped it off with a small soft serve cone and a very small piece of cake...WHY???  Because I was weak and I faltered and well...it's over and I will acknowledge this mistake, tip my hat to my weakness, and MOVE ON.  Today is another day and I REFUSE to foster an environment within myself that will set me up for sabotage or FUTURE mistakes.

That was my second and last meal yesterday, no snacks later, no small dinners.  DONE WITH FOOD.

So we drive home...Erica is CRABBY ABBY...put her to bed.  Autumn watches some tv, I check the blogster for comments, do some laundry, decide to clean the bathtub. 

We have a garden tub with jets, so when cleaning, I like to fill it, add bleach, and then run the jets, disinfects and makes it easier to scrub (little household tip). 

Helped hubby work on business ad for newspaper. Helped Autumn play online Scrabble with her Nana.  Started working on Beautiful People blog.  Responded to my FULL NAME being shouted from the bathroom followed by "What is this?"  "What is he yelling about?"  As I ran through my bedroom and my feet started hitting the swampy carpet, I remembered the darn bathtub.  Filling for between 30-40 minutes.  Water on the bathroom floor, water on my bedroom floor, water running down my basement walls, my exercise equipment floating towards the floor drain, and my favorite, water running from the seams in my duct work from the COPIOUS amounts of water that were filling my floor registers. 

Ugh...is there anything else that I could say, other than scream and dramatically cry about ruining the only nice thing that I own...totally destroying my 1 year old house?  Jim and I quickly went to work drying the floors and moving furniture in the basement to keep it safe.  Let me tell you folks, how lucky I really am...I was being sooo hard on myself.  I was sooo upset.  Jim never once yelled at me, FOR ME, yes, but never AT me.  He said, simply, it was a mistake and nothing is RUINED.  He formulated a plan to dry everything out and went to work.  When the drama had ended for the night and the lights were out, he rolled over and said "I guess you have something to write about tomorrow."  "Jerk!" I replied and laughed at the same time.  He responded simply with "and all is right with the world."

Today's weight: 280.8.  That's all I have to say about that.

Um...

Yesterday was my nephew's birthday!  You know...THE NEPHEW, the one who is running walking completing the Komen with me in June.  There is a lot that I wanted to say about him on his birthday, so I was searching for a pic of him from last year's Back to School Bowling Extravaganza (family event, all of which MUST have titles).

In the process, I ran across this picture. 

That's me.  30 lbs ago.  For the first time, I SAW a difference in myself.  ( I cropped other people out to protect the innocent)

See my arm..I was not holding it out.  Wow.  Tears.  For a long time.  How did I let that happen.  That T-shirt is a men's 4x extra long.  Makes me sad to think of all the wasted time, but this pic is the one that got me going on this journey too.  The one that I looked at and said "Who is that?" , before realizing that it was me.

This is the center of today's festivities, though!  This is my Rock Star nephew, Nathan.  Nathan is a great kid.  He is fun and very creative.  I am so proud of him at his age to even take on the challenge of the 5k.  That is kind of what makes me OK with whether I run OR walk it. We will be together and we will complete something together for the first time.  Something that I hope will be the turning point in my journey and something that will reinforce with him what I ALWAYS tell him. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, IF YOU TRY AND YOU PUT IN THE WORK.   He turned 12 yesterday and we will be spending the afternoon with him.    First we will be going to find out what the sex of his mom's new baby is...(after three boys, she is hoping for girl...**so say your girl prayers..lol**cause another niece would be nice), then to his birthday celebration at a pizza buffet. **eeek** (There's a salad bar)  Happy Birthday Nathan! 

I felt a bad for complaining about my financial situation on here yesterday.  Especially because I was unwittingly and definitely unintentionally added pressure onto my hubby.  This is a situation where we have to dig our heels in and get out of it TOGETHER.  We have been together for 17 years and on April 10, 2011, we will be married for 12 years.  This was us 14 years ago.  Totally 90's.  Him with his dyed blond, permed, POWER MULLET and me with my tamed down 90's version of 80's BIG HAIR (also permed ***both of us permed by my grandma, BTW*** GRANNY ROCKED **and still does**).  I was heavy, even then.  Those two people in that picture had sooo much love for each other (still do).  He and I against the world...building our future.  From living in his parent's basement, our many dog children (over the years), our first home, our children, building our new home...the adventure has taken it's twists, turns, and sometimes, it's toll.  Difficulties face you in life and this is just one of those times.  But I am not married to him for his ability to bring in money, I am married to him because I love him and I always have.  If I ever were to question that for a minute...it would just take the following two pictures to remind me of why he rocks my socks!

April Fool's Day

This post is no joke.  Fighting the urge to type (LOL)...whew!

It's been a trying week, but here I am on the other end thanking God for a weekend.

Got written up at work this week, which is totally redonk-u-lotta, but whateve..we'll see what comes of it.  What am I gonna do...quit?  Nope.  I'm gonna suck it up and push though like I always do.  This blog is not about work...so...moving on...

Our families financial crisis continues to deepen as my long term renters can not seem to get the idea of why you must pay your rent on time.  Which results in 1 dedicated income being spread very thin and hubby scrambling to do anything to get work.  Starting a new business is really hard!  He's been his own boss for over  a year now and starting your own business from the ground up is rough.  Honestly folks...he'd make more $$ working at McDonald's, but it's a work in progress and his customer base is improving!!!  I am soo proud of him!!! ...but there is no $$.  Before I get off this kick I want to ask you to keep in mind that just because someone is a landlord or a business owner does not mean they are rich.  I say this because, before I was all these things that is the messed up impression that I had.

The scale has been an enemy this week.  It's up, it's down...ugh  make up your mind.  Changed the batteries to be sure, but it's still all over the place.  I have seen it at an all-time low and up like 3lbs, so weigh in on Sunday is a crap shoot!  LOL.  For the most part, I have been on plan.  We had a big baseball OPENING DAY celebration at work, with Hot Dogs, Brats, Chips, Soda (you know, the devil laid out on a table).  I ate in the cafeteria, instead.  I had rotisserie chicken breast and mixed veggies, instead.  I gave myself a pat on the back for that!

After yesterday's post, I decided to set my mile time.  The Komen is 2 months away and training has to be taken seriously.  20:28.  I ran for 4 of those minutes.  It was hard, but I did it.  I came home today and did it again.  I ran for 4:30 minutes 20:15...I shaved 13 seconds which doesn't seem like a lot, but BELIEVE me it is...it was the shot in the arm that I needed to put it all into perspective.

I am also looking into finding some subjects to write on and maybe start submitting articles and such.  You know...reaching outside my comfort zone.  Any ideas?

This is all about improvement.  Improving my life, improving my health, improving my outlook.