Sunday, July 26, 2009

Road to Redemption (pt 2)

I believe I said the goal was to be more active. I did not reach that goal today. I got up made breaksfast for the fam, played computer games, took a nap. Woke up around 2, drove to Subway to EAT FRESH, then came home watched a movie that I could not stand, now I am sitting at the computer again trying to convince myself to go to the store so that I can bring my lunch to work tomorrow and eat healthy or keep doing the same old thing.

Re-reading my post from yesterday I just wanted to make it clear that I am not a lazy person. (Today I was) I am just always too busy doing so many things for others that I have no time for myself. This has been a problem with me for a long time. I put way more time into other people than I put into myself. I put way more time into other people than other people put into me. I guess at this point they will all really miss everything I do/did for them when I am dead. Truthfully, I know that the people I WASTE my time on, will just look for someone else to do it for them when/if I am gone. Taking care of my kids is NEVER a waste of my time. They are my whole reason for getting up and doing what I do everyday. They are amazing and they love me. They do not judge me. They do not understand "fat" as a bad thing. I am just their mom. Theirs are the only true relationships that I have, where there is no bias, just love!!! My fear is that will change one day. One day, people will not just be making fun of me, they will be making fun of me through my kids. Outside people will taint my relationship with my kids becasue people are cruel.

I think about my kids warning their friends before they meet me. Saying "My mom is a big woman" like a forewarning and a joke at the same time. My kids might even laugh with their friends about me and so ends the true part of the relationship for me. I know that all kids end their "true" relationship with their parents at some point only to regain it later, but to think that it would be about my weight KILLS me.

Before I close this today, I just want to let all my family and friends who are following this know that I will say a lot of things here. I am not blaming or calling out, we all make mistakes and I take responsibility for who I am and how I am. You read this at your own risk, I do not want anything I say here to be held as a point of contention with you. I do not want this to cause a problem in any relationship. If you can not handle that, please don't follow my journey. I am willing to have a hard conversation with whomever needs to have it. This is one place where your judgement is not allowed.

The goal is to be more active.

1 comment:

  1. Sometimes reality hurts people, thus the saying the truth hurts. You feel how you feel, and you have to get it out. It may open opportunity to have much needed conversations that can bring healing. I love you.