Friday, July 24, 2009

Day of Reckoning

I have been fat practically all my life. I guess there were times that I was chunky or "thick", but to be completely honest I have been fat more than I haven't. Today is July 24, 2009 and I weigh 294 lbs. I want to scream writing that!!! How does this happen? It's not overnight I can tell you that.
People always say that dieting is not easy and that people are always looking for the quick fix, they think they should wake up in the morning and the nightmare that is their fat ass disappears. Just like you can not lose weight overnight, you can not gain weight overnight. You may not believe me, but I have always known that I was fat, but 294 kind of snuck up on me. I should probably also mention that I am only 5'1" tall. So I am literally like a beach ball and some days it feels like it.
I am 34 years old, married for 10 years, and I have 2 beautiful daughters who are 4 and 2. My husband has always been supportive, I guess. I say I guess because he has never really addressed my increasing weight over the last 10 years. I say I guess because he threw me for a loop this morning.
I have diabetes, type II adult onset, because I have a fat ass diabetes. I did it to myself. There is no sympathy required. My fault. My bad. I have always been able to say that I am diet controlled, but in reality, I never controlled my diet and I never went to the Dr. so I wore my "diet controlled" status like a badge of honor. (one I bestowed on myself).
Lately, I have been super tired and super sick. I have been getting every cold, every sniffle, every virus, every why can't I get myself out of bed? The answer...non diet controlled diabetes. Uncontrolled diabetes. Fasting bloodsugars over 150. I am shocked that I finally have to say it out loud. Rounds of blood work ensue and I become "Medicated Diabetic".
My struggles with weight loss are not unlike those that you have heard before, but I will relay them anyway... Gain weight, lose weight, gain weight, get gym membership, lose weight, sister loses car and needs ride to work, no time to go to gym, lose gym membership, gain weight, go to dr., get put on meds to help lose weight, fight with husband, flush pills that cause me to be irritable down the toilet, gain weight...pretend I am not fat, look in the mirror...write blog about being a fat ass.
I spent a lot of the end of last year considering lap band surgery...called the numbers, got the info, supposed to set up time to go to seminar, never went. Looked at papers sitting in my cluttered house, put them back on top of pile, put more stuff on top of them...they are filled out by the way, they just need a stamp.
On my way today to have more blood work done to complete my "medicated" status, I call my husband to fill him in and he asks me delicately about the lap band "thingy" I was going to do. I start filling him in on all the steps and about it being a commitment and I have to know and trust that I am going to commit to it. He tells me flat out to quit making excuses and make a hard decision. I just say ok.
I hang up the phone and I cry. I make the hard decisions everyday and don't get credit for them. I make the hard decision to get my fat ass out of bed and go out into a world where people look at me and judge me for being fat. I make the hard decision to go to a job EVERYDAY where my boss refers to me in private as "Big Momma". I am a full-time employee, a full-time wife and mother, and a full time human being. I make hard decisions everyday. It is always easier to do something else. I push myself and prod myself to enter the cruel ass world where people wonder what my husband sees in me or even worse feel sorry for him.
I cried so hard after that phone call. Then I called my friend Amy and cried to her. Then I hung up and cried. Then I cried and wrote a blog about being a fat ass. Then I called a bariatric surgery office and made an appt. for a seminar that I am dragging my husband along for (serves him right)
I am usually a lot more funny than this, so ends day 1.


  1. The world was not made for anyone outside the range of size 5-10. And even though your health is a factor, you are still a person that deserves everything that every one else deserves

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  3. Sounds like you're of the right mindset. It's insane, but it usually takes cruelty to spark a decision so big as this; I was 198lbs when some guy at a club snarkily compared me to a skinny 21 year old in a leather bra (literally) and hot pants. I cried the entire 45 minute ride home, and then cried myself to sleep. Then I woke up the next day and did something about it. And I haven't been near that weight since.

    PS You're a very engaging writer! Love it!

  4. Loving the blog!! You're brilliant and creative and there are no boundries for you! No one can ever take anything from you that you don't let them and as far as your little angels, they will always love you and I doublt they will ever laugh at you with their freiends...the way you raise them and the pesrson you are will ensure tht you will instill then with better values than that...

  5. I hope you know (Peter) is Peter Wayne....I'm using his google account in order to post comments...I tried every other way to no avail...sorry....Sari