The title felt powerful...so I went with it. Truth is after last nights Bariatric Surgery Seminar, I know about the same as I knew going in and I feel not as powerful as before. The decision seems harder today. I thought I decided that I was going to go with a Gastric Laproscopy Band, but the surgeon seems "gung ho" Gastric Bypass. This is all very complicated to laymen...I understand, so I am posting links to both at the bottom so that you too, may be as educated as I. The surgery center is supposed to call me today to discuss the options...so we will see.
Decisions have to be made.
So, since this is just really an update of what happened last night, which is nothing really. I wanted to take some time to discuss the title of my blog "Life Inside the Blubber Sarcophagus" .
For those of you who do not know...a sarcophagus is defined by Dictionary.com as :
1. a stone coffin, esp. one bearing sculpture, inscriptions, etc., often displayed as a monument.
2. Greek Antiquity. a kind of stone thought to consume the flesh of corpses, used for coffins.
Since doctors like to throw around the term morbidly obese when it comes to my "outer shell" I figured that sarcophagus is fitting. After all, people think that I am hard and I have no feelings and I can't hear what they are saying about me and I truly will be consumed by it. I also feel that it is a monument to everything I haven't done in my life. It has been sculpted over the years and bears the inscriptions of the hurt and pain that I have endured and it stands out to say "this is my accomplishment" I thought nothing more of myself than to let this happen.
It has held me back...it has made me less confident, less trusting. It has held me back. It is me. I have held me back.
In considering this major surgery and major change in my life, I have thought a lot about what I want to be different. I want to be more driven and I believe that starts here. I want to be accomplished, but that is an action, not a passive arrangement. I want to continue to see the world the way that I do now. Where I know how it feels to be mistreated over something that does not affect the person doing the mistreating. I want to continue to be guarded when appropriate. I want to analyze...everything, but your intentions. I want to continue to be funny and enjoy laughter. I want to be capable of giving and receiving love because it flows from me and to me, not because I am begging for it or someone is sympathetic towards me. I want to be less angry.
I have held ME back.
The goal is to be more active.
(This is in no way an endorsement for Heart of America Bariatrics, simply put, these are just links that you can use to gather more information on the proedures available.)