Monday, August 29, 2016

Seven Years

It's weird how I've been in this space for 7 years, a place where I ran to get away from all the negativity of the world. A place where I decided to put it all out there because it quieted the whispers of gossipers and "concerned" friends.  A place that let me shout, "I know what you're saying and despite it...I'm valuable."

I thought that it was going to be the success story of a lifetime.  Girl admits struggles and heartbreak.  Girl fights through her struggles and loses weight.  Girl succeeds and is promptly interviewed by Oprah and becomes an inspiration to millions.  This of course all translates into a book deal and a reality show on the OWN network (This, of course, is an evolving translation).

I would've never believed that 7 years later, I would still be here and only be thirty pounds down.  Most of my bloggy friends are gone.  Just check out the blog roll.  Most haven't written in years.  Some are gone forever.  Others have become cherished Facebook friends. 

I'm still here.

Still writing.  Still struggling.

Less heartbreak, though.

There are moments when I log in and I think to myself, "Why?  Why do I still come here and say whatever is on my heart?  It hasn't changed anything."

It is then, I remind myself that I may have only dropped thirty pounds of physical baggage, but WOW!!!, have I changed as a person!

It was somewhere along this 7 year journey that I decided to stop hiding any part of me that was real.  I decided to abandon any part of me that wasn't.  I became the most authentic me I have ever been.

If I am hurt, I say I'm hurt. 
If there is something I want, I say that I want it.
I stopped saying "I'm praying for you" and started doing it.
I spend less time thinking about empathy and more time acting on it.
I stopped letting other people de-value me and most importantly...I quit believing them when they tried.
I speak honestly and I demand the same from others.
If I am wrong...I say I'm wrong.
If I act out in a human way that results in someone being hurt...I admit it and I apologize...even if that apology falls on deaf ears.

I try to be true to myself and who I am at all times.

I own this beautiful mess.

I have learned by being honest about some of my craziest idiosyncrasies that other people are more willing to be honest about theirs and there is something freeing and deeply moving about getting to know people on their realest levels.  It allows me to really think about others and offers me an insight into the hearts of friends and drives me to be a more considerate person.

If I don't lose another pound...that's ok. I've lost so much other baggage and gained amazing perspective.

I'll keep coming back here.

Because it's home.

1 comment:

  1. Your self realization of the things that have gone right in the last 7 years is fantastic! Good for you. All we can do is to keep moving, at whatever pace we can manage that day, in a forward direction. You have done so much and come so far that I can't help but believe that because of all you have done in the last few years you have simply been laying the ground work to prepare your mind, body and soul to succeed at this challenge of getting your body to the healthy place you want it to be.