Where The Heck Is Ruby Gettinger?

I have been asking myself that a lot lately.  I guess her Style Network show was cancelled or something.  Its not like we are friends or anything, but she used to be all over Twitter and Facebook spouting quotes from Helen Keller, Chinese Proverbs, and what not.  Now...she's just gone.  Makes me wonder...is she suffering a relapse like I have? 

It is like the "Camaraderie of Fat".  I feel the same way when we lose a blogger.  I could just as easily call this post "Where The Heck Is Booty By Cupcakes?" and I would just as easily really want to know.  Ya'll know I'm not perfect, but I die a little inside any time one of my blogging buddies disappears.  Are they off plan?  Are they giving up?  If they fail...am I doomed to fail? 

I know I am responsible for me, but I can't help a little human random thought.  (and I am truly sorry if I have caused anyone to die a little inside...lol)

It is almost New Year's Eve and the resolutions are kickin'.  Weightloss Blogland is a bustling metropolis again.  New bloggity's are popping up everyday as we get closer to the New Year.  I can't wait to meet new friends and learn new things about myself vicariously through them.  I can't wait to continue to support my fellow bloggers and loyal readers.  I happily await their support of me.  Sometimes its all that gets me through.

I would be remiss not to mention the return of the curmudgeonly gentleman weight loss blogger that everyone loves to hate.  He seems to have possibly taken on a kinder, gentler, way of blogging which I applaud.  Whatever your take on what needs to be done to get you to a better space, then take it.  I learn from all different points of view and I can definitely appreciate them.

There will be no resolutions surrounding weight loss for me this year. I refuse to set up parameters that will only make me feel worse about myself if I fail to meet them.  That doesn't mean that I am not setting goals...I am.  I am participating in a Lose Big 2012 competition with close family and friends.  I am concurrently following 5k in 100 days with Brad Gansberg. 

While all of this stuff starts at the beginning of the year, it is coincidental for me.  I have been doing this for over 2 years now...something has got to give.

I have decided to surround myself with positive.  The negative finds its way in...there is no need for me to invite it in.  I need to start living my life like I say I would if the fat was not an issue.  God first, Family second (stopping to remember that I AM part of my family), and everything else third.

My messed up priorities are a thing of the past.  I keep saying over and over about how I need a job, but when I had a job I was saying if I had all the time that they have on the Biggest Loser Ranch I would lose weight and HELLO, CHRISTIE!  You've been laid off for over 8 months.  Total waste of time, no more.  If I can get up in the morning for a job, then why not for me?

"Knowing is not enough.  You must take action." ~Tony Robbins

Take ACTION with me.

Today's Spark: ME...that should be enough.

Point of Discussion: I never thought Jennifer Hudson was fat (granted she looks stupendous)...am I off my rocker?  Talk amongst yourselves.  :)

Holiday Recap

Like, Fa la la la la, man.
It was a fantabulous holiday!  It was different, but great.  I have talked many times about my expectations always being light years away from the reality of the holiday, but this year, I kept it real and ended up being blown away.

My dad, step mom, niece, and nephew came into town and we were lucky enough to get to spend it with my dad's brother, my Uncle Tom. I don't remember a Christmas spent with my dad since before the age of 8 and I don't know if I have ever spent a Christmas with my Uncle.  

Things were also awkward...the thing with my sister, which appears to have since been resolved, added an additional strain.

My dad had to add in his little rub about me not continuing to write this blog.  He suggested that if I have something to say to someone I should just say it.  I really don't feel likeI do that here.  I am sure that he has never read it, but I learned long ago that even if I had something to say to him, he wouldn't hear it anyway...not that he wouldn't listen...he would.

Things happen...they affect...they are truth.  I don't feel like I stew, I acknowledge.

In the end you have to move on.

As a Christian, I know Christmas to be more than gifts and family get togethers; its a true holy day for us.  Its a time to recognize the gift of Jesus Christ and to remember that he would give his life as a greater gift.

We give gifts in recognition and as a symbol of the gift we were given and this year...my gifts were off the chain...

My husband gave me a brand new notebook computer for school, editing photos, and well writing to all you lovelies.  This was done with the intent of overtaking my old laptop for himself.  Oddly enough...I gave him a netbook that I purchased with severance $$ back in August thinking that he would be able to use it on the road for his business.  Normally, he would never do anything this extravagant so color me surprised. (now what to do with too many computers?)

However, despite my excitement over internet speeds of lightening, he was somehow hurt that I did not shed a tear over his gift, but instead I actually cried when I opened.....wait for it....my very own photo studio from my dad and step mom.

I want to reiterate that material things are not a priority here, but this was major for me.  This was like the thing that I needed that told me...hey, we think you are good at something that you think you are good at too.  This was saying, we not only give you moral support in your photographic endeavors, but we are willing to support it financially (to a point).

That is what brought the tear to my eye.

We were blessed enough this year to realize that we had been accumulating "points" with our bank for years.  Despite our financial situation, we were able to cash them in to purchase gifts for all the kids in our family, so the kids all had a good holiday as well.

I am fighting sleep.  I am worn out. 

My day started by visiting the doc with my oldest for what I was confident was the onset of "pink eye", only to find out that I paid a $70 office visit (no insurance still) to learn in the office that my daughter hit herself in the eye with a Fushigi ball.

It was super hard to get moving this morning as I am still suffering the results of Jillian Michael's 6 pack in 6 week Abs workout.  Everything hurts (including my pinky) except my abs.  Its very difficult to walk.

The bed is calling my name and it is very persuasive.

Until next time, my friends and loyal observers.

10, 9, 8, 7....

Ready, Set, Go!
 
Ready, Set?

Really?

Why don't we just...Go?  Why is there always so much pomp and circumstance surrounding the fact that we are going to do something?  I am guilty of it as much as the next person.  Maybe even MORE guilty of it.

"I need to eat healthy.  I am going to do it next week. 2 more days, for real.  It's almost Monday"  The worst part is that when I do this its for my benefit only...everyone else is in the over/under pool on when I fall off the wagon. (Truth be told...I sometimes bet in that pool...sickening isn't it)

All this propulsion talk from me lately has really got me thinking.  Am I really a big enough idiot to miss this before? 

My sister recently threw a barb at me that went something like "Christie is too busy trying to control everything and everyone because she can't control herself".  There is some truth to that.

Since I was a kid, everything has been spiraling out of control, that I have spent a gooood portion of my life dealing with things as they come flying at me.  Kind of like if living your life was the same as being in one of those tornado machines where you have 5 minutes to collect all the money you can.  The only difference, of course, is that if I walked out of those machines I'd have two D cups full of cash.

 There is no rewarding feeling that comes from putting out fires, if the minute it's out, you hear the sirens calling you to another.

I had a really good friend tell me just last night that I was "waaay stronger than I know", but sometimes  I think that people mistake resilience for strength.  Resilience only means I can come back...it doesn't mean that things don't nick, crack, or break me.  It doesn't mean that I can weather the storm, it just means that I am stupid enough to come back and face it again. 

Face it all again to fail again.

Face it all again to fail again?

Walter Elliot said  "Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races once after another."

That is what I have always missed before.  I have always unconsciously been looking for that one grand gesture that was going to wipe out all the bad and start everything anew.

Guess what folks?

It isn't coming.

Don't overlook your spark waiting for an explosion. 

It only takes one spark to ignite your kindling.  Your kindling is your goal.  It's up to you to fan the flames.  If you don't fan the flames...it will go out.

Don't worry.  You can always get another spark.

Today's spark:  My daughter Erica held up her first finger at me today and said "Mom?  Is this my middle finger?"  To which I replied, "No, it's your first finger...it's called your 'pointer'."  "No, mom...it's called my picker."  o_o   See...there is still too much to be done.

Fake It Til You Make It

If you are friends with me on Facebook or you follow me on Twitter, you might have read that my hubby and I took a "daytrip" to Davenport, IA on Saturday.  The purpose of the trip was to pick up sewer equipment that he bought off eBay.  We shipped one kid off with Nana and the other off with Gigi and set out on the 6 hour journey to Davenport. 

Alone at Last!

Its been a long time.  When you are a couple with kids...sometimes you can't even say 'Good Morning' without being interrupted, so to have a chance to just be together, even if it is just being stuck in a car together for 12 hours.

My hubby has a one track mind.  When he was younger...I am sure that it was pointed in another direction, but these days...Its the sewer business.  He lives and breathes it and rightly so.  After losing his job two years ago, he sunk every penny we had into it, so there's a lot of pressure on him to make it work.  There are a lot of long hours and he sacrifices time with us to support us.  It's a double edged sword. 

Eff the sewer business and get a damn job! 

Sometimes I feel that way.  While he is out doing that...I am doing everything else...   Alone. 

Then I look at all he has accomplished in two years.  I see where it is heading and I take a step back.  I just hate that he can think, talk, or dream about nothing other than the sewer business.  I tell him that all the time, but even a conversation about my needs seem to always lead back to the sewer business.  Hrmpf!

I bring this up only because of my broken heart. 

It officially broke when I saw my husband of 13 years smile for the first time in over a year.  Yes...it's true...over a year.  The corners of his lips took an upswing when he realized he won a 1700 gallon tank in an online auction.

"It wasn't personal", he said.  He said I was exaggerating. 

There it was.  It wouldn't go away.  He could tell it hurt my feelings.  He "felt bad", but that damn smile was like a dagger through my heart. 

I had to let it go or it was going to drive me crazy.

All night and into the next day, as I was "letting it go", he just kept smiling at me.
 "Why are you smiling now?", I SNAPPED. ( I am not kidding...I went into MACH 5 neck roll)
He replied. "You say I never smile, so I am smiling."
"So you're smiling just for the hell of it?"
"No...I am smiling so you can see it."

Hmmm....

When I saw his smile from that point on...it kind of made me giggle. 

It wasn't because of anything...It was for me.  An effort.  Before I realized it...I was smiling.  Smiling, smiling, smiling, on our whole trip....smiles.  For the last four days...smiling.  (Chuckling in fact as I write this) He's still smiling too!  He told me on our trip that he loves me, but he had forgotten how much he liked me.  That may sound cruel and would have normally crushed my heart and sent me running into the arms of Little Debbie, but it didn't...because it means that he now remembers.

I am telling you this story because my life is still the same.  I have hundreds of little fires that are still burning.  I am still 150 lbs overweight.  Nothing is different, yet everything is...I feel happier.  I feel inspired.  I feel like moving past difficult crap.  I feel like living.

I owe it all to a fake smile, that isn't so fake anymore!

Today's spark:  Remembering that I like me too.

Propulsion

Forgive me, Ash...you have already had to hear me drone on about this...  :)

So there I was....minding my own business, (I know some of you don't believe it, but it's true) when my thoughts meandered to Space.  Yes...the FINAL FRONTIER.  (actually I have this whole theory about it being the ONLY FRONTIER, but I digress)  I was thinking about the vast expanse.

Stuff just floating around out there. 

I have always heard that when something is put into motion in space, it continues on the same trajectory from where it began.  Never deviating from course, except for those cases when it might hit something else drifting along.  I have heard this often referred to as "space junk"  It's just a bunch of material discarded when we were done with it...just gliding around until it's demolished by a passing meteor, picked up by the tail of a comet, or enters the atmosphere of a nearby planet and disintegrates in a fiery explosive ball (may not be scientifically accurate).

Day after day...just cruising blindly along the Milky Way, vacationing on Orion's belt, or freewheeling past Cassiopeia. (not necessarily in that order)


When we travel in space...it's with a purpose.  We want to get to the moon...we go to the moon.  How do we achieve such a feat and avoid lunching near Andromeda with all the other misplaced and/or discarded items?

Propulsion.   A means of propelling; propelling force, impulse, etc.

Being a life study pupil of language, I was embarrassed to find that my definition was off.  Propulsion is not the act of moving forward as I had previously thought, but instead...it is the spark that ignites you.  Its the driving force that gets you moving.

In space, not unlike dieting (or exercising, healthy living, or insert -ing here), in order to get to where you want, you need more than that initial spark.  You need to keep inciting yourself to stay on course.  This is the only way that you will reach the Moon, or Mars, or Leo Minor.

Tired of feeling like space junk?  I am .

Today's spark:  My unwillingness to let anyone else defeat me, let alone myself.

What's your spark?
.

Regret Is A Dish Best Served Low-Cal

"Laziness is a secret ingredient that goes into failure. But It's only kept a secret from the person who fails."


-Robert Half

Thank you, Mr. Half. 

I remember the days when I was still working and trying to lose weight.  Oh...it was soo hard.  Trying to work, take care of my girls, find time to work out, finding time to be with my hubby.  Finding time for just me. 

When I started seeing a trainer in September of 2010, I had an epiphany that I made too many excuses.  There is a way to fit getting fit into my life.  Once I stopped spending time creating excuses, I found an opportunity.  So what happened, how did I get back here, and how do I find my way to success?

In all honesty...I didn't stick with my trainer because I got too personal with her and instead of giving me hope when I came in...she looked at me with pity.  About two weeks into starting my training, I found out that my husband had a problem abusing prescription drugs.  I was completely unaware of it, there were no clues, no signs, hit me from out of left field.  I told him to leave.

Training became harder.  I was emotional.  I was betrayed.  I was alone and unsupported.  I had friends who supported me, but some of them were duplicitous and just hurt me more in a time when I needed them the most.  I wanted to fight not only to save my marriage from addiction, but to fight for this thing I had discovered I needed. 

If a trainer is good...they can tell when you're off.  If you're off...they need to call you on it and push you passed it...after all, training is about preparing yourself to overcome obstacles.  In all fairness...trainers are not psychologists.  She asked...I divulged...she pitied me...she pitied me in what she said, she pitied me with her eyes...I could not go back.  I was no longer motivated by her.

I fell into a deep hole.

My husband received treatment, but I had to do this on my own.  I had the drive for a while.  I worked really hard on eating right, kept motivated by my friend,  Laura, who made it a challenge for me by doing what we could to support each other in eating right, working out, and even helped my by challenging me to get more steps in than her everyday.  Plus, I was still training to do the Komen, a goal which I only partially reached because I did not run it. 

Before the Komen, I lost my job of nearly eight years.  I lost the day to day support of friends.  I lost the challenge of keeping up with Laura.  I lost my identity.  The little bit of identity that I had, anyway.  Working was the only thing I was good at.  The only place where I felt dependable.  People could depend on me for a laugh, for honest conversation, and for support.  I am the Queen Mum of supporting other people. 

At home, it was just me and my family.  Hubby freaking out about my job, pressuring me to find another one.  Being a stay at home mom for the first time ever,  I should have felt like the world was my oyster, but I didn't.  I felt alone.  I still feel alone.  I felt worthless.  I still feel worthless.

By the time the Biggest Loser auditions came around, I convinced myself, as unhealthy as that might have been that it was divine intervention.  This was my opportunity to have by myself to focus on myself, to fix myself.  When would I EVER have an opportunity like this?

That came and went and there is still no opportunity. There is still only me...same as I ever was.

No job, no life, back to place holding.

I am working on going back to school, so that's SOME progress...I just need to get out of the funk, ignore the self pity and just move.  Restricting my food intake will only go so far.

I have all the time in the world right now...knowing what I know, why am I wasting it?

Dissecting Cinderelly

As kids, Disney had us by the cajones.  True love will come with but a whisper and a glance, you will suffer trials and tribulations up to the point that you meet someone then everything will be "Happily Ever After", and finally it's a joy to be surrounded by little people. (A model that obviously works for The Learning Channel {TLC})

What does that have to do with the price of rice and beans in Tijuana?  I was just having breakfast this morning and while entrenched in random thought surrounded by everything Disney princess (two girly girls will do that to you) I started wondering if they were good role models for my daughters.  Cinderella allowed herself to be prisoner and slave to her evil step family and eventually it took a rich man (who was kind of a dullard) to save her from all of it.  Why couldn't she save herself?  Walk away and work hard for herself to achieve security and make her own dreams come true, instead of serving at the hands of abusers.  Had she succumbed to the plight of the downtrodden?  Does Cinderella have self esteem issues?  She's a dichotomy, sticking around to be mistreated, yet confident enough to at least consider leaving the house in a dress made by rodents and sparrows.

Crazy, I thought.  How much time can one woman truly spend analyzing and dissecting Cinderella?

If that woman is me?  Plenty. 

Should've been on the treadmill...

Better yet...maybe I should spend this kind of time on myself in general.?

Breakfast: Black Cherry Oikos 130 calories
                Ham and Cheese on whole grain toast 263 calories
               Total: 393 Calories

Best Laid Plans

I have already lost 4.8 lbs this week.  This proves the importance of water once again.  While I have been making better choices this week, I have had little if no increase in activity, so this only goes to show that people are not wrong when they say SODA IS BAD!  Remember when I once said "SAY NODA SODA"?  It's a for real thing...bad, Bad, BAD!  If replacing the minimal amount of soda (1 can of diet per day for 4 days) with water can make a nearly 5lb difference, then why ever drink it? 

I am a tea lover anyway, so it's really not that big of a deal.  It's not like it's leaving a void or anything.

Guess what else?  Yours truly applied to community college today!  Surprise, Surprise!  I am just so at a loss about why I haven't even gotten a phone call with regards to a job.  My resume has been revamped several times, so what gives?  I figure the only possible explanation at this point is that the job market is sooo bad that I must have a degree to get anything. Another issue, of course, is that I received a letter from the Division of Employment Security that advised me that they are doing a phase out of the Federal Unemployment Extensions and as a result, I will not receive anymore unemployment payments after my tier runs out.  I would RATHER have a JOB any day so that I can support my family, but after 22 years of working without a gap in employment...thanks for nothing.  Anyway...I am hoping to eventually pursue a degree in Clinical or Forensic Psychology.  I am so psychologically screwed up that I might as well go a little "Physician heal thyself"!

Questions were asked about my family situation namely with my sister, so I am going to address them. (Part of the No Comment Left Behind Act of 2011)

First of all...my sister is NOT the person who was trying to censor me.  It was actually someone who felt that I was painting them in a poor light.  I STILL and VEHEMENTLY disagree, but I do not wish to estrange anymore family so I will not mention them by name.  The truth of it is that I wanted this blog to be about honesty.  Me, on my terms, truthful with everything...how I got here, how I deal with it, and what things draw me back into unhealthy living.  Sometimes those things and feelings that draw me in are activated by actions of other people.  I am not saying that it is their fault that I  make poor choices or that I blame them for the choices I made.  I am just acknowledging that sometimes someone else's actions can cramp your style and trigger an unhealthy emotional response.  Said person was unhappy with my acknowledgement of behavior and became angry and told me to never mention them again, to which I replied...if you are unhappy with how you are painted with the brush of truth, perhaps you should think about your actions.  I never thought in a million years that anything I said here would hurt anyone's feelings or cause a problem in relationships, but what do I know?  I am going to say what I want and if you have an issue...take my bloggity addy out of your address bar...right?

My sister is another issue altogether.  I am not going to put HER business out there, but she is mad at me over my decision to stop keeping my mouth shut about injustices that I witness.  It came to verbal blows where very hurtful things were said on both sides, she decided that she wants me out of her life.  To be clear, it was her decision, I am open and willing to move past it, but I will never be what she wants me to be and that is SILENT.   One day...or not...her call.  She's my sister.  I love her and ONLY want the best for her.

In case you were wondering...I have not given up my goal of going to Fat Camp.  As a matter of fact, I am pursuing this dream by entering a contest being held by Biggest Loser Resort at Fitness Ridge.  If you are interested in entering "LIKE" them on Facebook and follow the link on the left for information on how to enter, rules, and regulations.  I am not affiliated in anyway with Biggest Loser Resort at Fitness Ridge or Facebook...although I 'd be more than happy to be affiliated with them for a sizable paycheck. ;P

Soul Searching

SO...I guess I'm back. 

I tried to go somewhere else and work on other formats and be something else, but in reality this space is me.  This is who I am.

My sister has disowned me...she'll either get over it or she won't.  Making peace with that has allowed me to realize that I am not going to censor myself for anyone.  Family or not.

I have not only gained back all of my weight.  There is nothing left to say about that.  I have been depressed over everything and I had again decided (introspectively anyway) that I was worthless. 

Quitting before I can fail, so that I don't have to feel like a failure has backfired and I have failed by default.

I was giving my sister in law a pep talk the other day when for the first time EVER, someone stopped me and called me on my crap.  Not that what I was saying was crap, but that I am more than happy to help everyone improve themselves and somehow I feel like I don't deserve it. 

She was right.

My secret is out.

Truth is, I have a big, close family, but as close as we are...I have always felt like I was floating, out on my own, tethered to no one, responsible for them and myself, but no one supporting me.

I walked myself into a marriage that was just the same. 

Don't get me wrong...hubby started to realize and he has since tried to be more supportive of the things that I want and need, but it's been a slow go.  A struggle, if you will. 

I am not going to cry about the weight gain (even though I am extremely disappointed).  After all, it is just a symptom of a larger problem.