Shape Up Or Ship Out

My brand new scale is broken.

Well, maybe not broken, but the batteries are definitely ALREADY dead...why include the batteries if you just want me to buy them again in a week to 10 days? I would have gladly done it up front and be in a WAY better mood today.

I guess this might be a blessing in disguise because it is impossible to update you on my weight loss. AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (that is my evil laugh, btw)

I have taken strides this week to lose weight. To be clear, I have made strides this week to assist me in losing weight that have make noticable differences.

Since I am lucky enough to have a pool, I have been spending lots of time in the pool walking laps, swimming, and working out with the kettlebells. At this weight it is very different to work out. Even low impact excercise is very hard on the joints. Jim thinks that working out in the pool is effortless, but it's not...I may not sweat, but I feel the burn, I get the same shortness of breath that I get from working out inside.

Thursday night we were in the pool together and I was using the kettlebells and he started to notice that my arms are getting definition to them. You can see my muscles working under the surface of my skin and my upper arms are getting smaller.

I also invested (and I use that word tongue in cheek) in The new Skecher's Shape Ups, you know the tennis shoes that help tone your legs, glutes, improves your posture, and are easier on your joints.

It may be a gimmick, but lots of people say they work. I guess I will report on my journey.

My dad, stepmom, and neice are coming in for the weekend. I am excited to see them. My sisters will be spending a lot of time here, so I am trying to make some good grocery decisions and eat healthy. My dad is a diabetic, same as me. It's important for me to eat healthy, but it's also important to me that if I am going to feed him then he is going to eat healthy here. I know my step mom tries to get him to do the right things, but he's hard headed. Hmmm...is that where I get that from?

My dad has diabetes, yes, but he is not fat. He doesn't take care of himself, his bloodsugars are through the roof! I have had conversations with him in regards to taking his medications and such and he says they make him fat and he would rather be dead than fat.

Yeah...I think that I would rather hear some freak of nature stranger call me a cow in a public arena on mic during a concert than have my own father tell me that he would rather be dead than fat.

I do not want to be fat, but I am glad to be alive. If I was unable to lose weight, I would still be happy to be alive.

The goal is to be happy and keep heading in the right direction.

What are your goals? Share them with me, I would love to discuss them!

I Had the Strangest Dream

Last night as I went to bed, I thought, "Wow, this is the eve of my official 1st year as a non-smoker." I should have never acknowledged it. Dreams are powerful things.

Before I get into the dream, I need to provide you with other background information on this week. I have slept very little. I bought a new crazy scale that doesn't just provide your weight, but it is full of all kinds of little confidence killers, like BMI, water weight percentage, and worst of all your percentage of body fat. The first time I stood on it, well...it provided me with SHOCKING information across the board. This began a week long debate with people...how honest do I really want to be with my reader?

By that, I mean to do I want to tell you how much I weigh.

I try to be as honest as I possibly can and there in lies the struggle. I could tell you what I weigh, but I see some of you everyday. I know me. I know that when I look in your eyes, I will think you are thinking about it. I will see the numbers looming over your head right back at me, like in that old credit score commercial. I want to do this thing. I want support, but in the honesty comes judgement from people I love and thinking about it makes me want a cheeseburger hug followed by a cheesecake pat on the back. Which brings me to the other thing...I do not want people telling me what to eat or saying maybe I shouldn't have eaten something.

Then I realized that I am asking people to hold me accountable and stand with me, but I am cutting their legs off at the same time. hmmmm..what to do?

So back to the dream...A parade is being held in my honor, down some picturesque little old timey street. The floats are amazing, my family has one, my friends, then Phillip Morris...what? Their float says, "We Miss You, Please come back." Everything froze. There was some old guy in a suit standing with a boom box over his head `a la John Cusack in "Say Anything". He tells me about all the good times we have had. He reminds me about all the parties, all the times they have held my hand while I cried. Then he says, "you know a good cigarette can suppress your appetite, you'll never lose weight without us." Then it took a strange turn into this reoccurring dream that I have been having for a while where I am working with a chimpanzee who can write anything and everything that I sing to him, but that is probably not related.

I woke up this morning with a new determination to succeed at this, maybe what I need is for someone to say get that out of your mouth. or let's walk.

The goals are to be more active and more accountable. I need to get further away from 301 lbs.....see what I did there....Nice. I know. ;p

Am I actually setting a goal?

I think I might be. On Saturday, July 24th, I will have been a non smoker for 1 full year. Can you believe it? I know I CAN'T. Making it this long without lady cigarette, the temptress is unbelievable. If I can do this, I should be able to achieve anything, right?

So here it is people.

I am going to lose weight. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Shocker, right? I am making a serious commitment. I, however, am not going to put a figure on it. No number of pounds, no desired size, just one fantastic goal...take my kids to Six Flags next year and ACTUALLY be able to fit on the rides.

Believers in Karma will love this story.

When I was younger, a preteen even, I went to Six Flags with my bestie...a fantastic day of Thunder River and feeling the thrilling potential that my neck may snap on the Ninja. I was fresh off the Stepfather diet and thinner than I had been since I was 6 or 7. I saw a woman who was struggling to walk with this incredible belly. At 11 or 12 I had never seen anything like it. I looked at my friend and I said..."If I ever get that big, shoot me."

Wrong...I know. This could however, could explain my paranoia, looking over my shoulder, fear of being alone. While she doesn't strike me as the conceal and carry type, a promise between friends is a promise between friends, right?

So apologies to random woman...I now know how it feels and I owe you a huge apology. Somewhere, someone is asking their friend to shoot them if they ever get as big as me and I am praying for them. They should never have to endure this life, this struggle and neither should I. So I am trading in the "church skirt" for the "mini" and striving to share a day or season of fun with my children.

The goal is to be more honest with myself.

In a Funk and Starting Over

It's been almost a year since I started this. I am embarrassed to say that I am still as big as I ever was. I am embarrassed to admit that I have failed at this point to keep this up. What is up with me?

Life gets in the way of living. I am not living. I am going through the motions everyday..still doing more for others than I am myself. Not that my life isn't at all good. There is some good. There are good people. People who love me. People who genuinely care about me. People who want me to succeed. People who need me to succeed.

I find myself becoming increasingly more negative which is good for nothing. My negativity is a source of humor for some, but the more negative I become the more acerbic my forked tongue becomes. The thinner my confidence becomes, the thicker my walls become.

The truth is I am tired of certain people walking all over me. I am tired of holding it in. The more I hold in, the angrier I get. The angrier I get, the more withdrawn I become. The more withdrawn I become, the less drive I have. It's continuous and it's vicious.

I guess I am going back to square one. My goal is to locate my scale and do this for real and do this right.