Monday, April 11, 2016

Optimism Comes At A Price

I'm learning.

This week we have learned that I can make an unexpected decision.  We are now aware that I can be willing to change my plan for a better result.  We have always known that I can be thwarted by disappointment, but I'm working on that.

As the title says...Optimism comes at a price.  This is why I try not to be overly optimistic.  I try to have a wait and see approach and then if it happens, it happens, but this time I got ahead of myself and let myself go to the place where there was an end in sight.  It's not an easy way out, but it's a legitimate means to and end.  I let my heart get excited about the time frame and when I found out it wasn't going to happen the way that I believed and it left me tipped over, nearly drowned, pulling myself to the bank in the middle of Deliverance.  It took my mind to a dark place where I felt alone, armed with a broken paddle, and in the distance I can hear the banjo.

Da na neer neer neer neer neer neer neer...

Why though?  It didn't have to go to that place...did it?

Go back to any place of success in this blog.  Read the excitement.  Then read the plan.

It might say things this time 6 months from now, I could be under 250.

At no time in the 7 years this blog as existed have I ever seen under 250.

This time last year sans blogging, I was the closest I've ever been 259.  This morning I weighed in at 286.  No long term commitment.

I started this blog in July of 2009 with my so called Day of Reckoning.  Man, was I angry that day!  Why did I stop being so angry?  That is where the fire began.  That moment spent writing everything in my heart with hot tears running down my face.  That should've been my rock bottom.  Every half-assed "I'm back"  should've been a rock bottom.  I'm sitting here today knowing all I've learned about the journey I've been on and realizing that the only possible rock bottom is death. 

You don't come back from that.

I have changed the way that I eat so many times.  A lot of these changes have been lifelong.  This entire journey hasn't been lost on me.  I could give you a lifetime of blogs worth of "despite the perception all fat people are not lazy", I could send you my fitbit tracker information to show there have been why?  Why am I back to nearly the beginning?  Why am I starting over again?

Let's take them one at a time.

Why am I back to nearly the beginning? 
Consider the work of Dr. Deborah Muoio,  she has done research that she believes proves that there is a cellular memory in obese people that basically boils down to the theory that cells remember being fat. Therefore by literally working your ass off, losing 30-50 lbs, and then stalling out on your program your body in essence freaks out and tries to correct the problem causing you to gain the weight you lost plus additional pounds.  This same theory though, does not seem to apply to those who have lost extreme amounts of weight naturally or surgically.  Is it true?  I don't know, but it could definitely apply to my situation and I appreciate that forward thinking individuals are willing to consider something other than the fact that I am sedentary and eating myself to death. Anyone who knows me can attest to this being the direct opposite.

Why am I starting over again?
If I don't I'm giving up and that is unacceptable.

I have an opportunity to do something I have never done before.  I'm taking it.  It has to be delayed because I need the insurance to pay for it, so I have to play by their rules.

I do not intend to waste this 6 months.  Anything I lose in this 6 months will only propel me to where I need to be on the other side of this procedure.

Today: 286
Tomorrow: Christie

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1 comment:

  1. Hi Christie,
    Let me say thank you for blogging again. I really enjoy reading your writings for several reasons, not the least of which is you're completely honest, you're funny, you're a good writer, and you inspire me.
    I'm glad that even though at one point you said you would never do the surgery you have re-evaluated and when you decided it was the way to go for you now, you were wise enough to realize that things change, people change, circumstances change. You weren't so stubborn as to refuse to see things differently just because you once said you would never do it.
    I hope for you, that this is the difference for you. But even if it isn't, you are amazing to have never given up!
    I look forward to read more from you.