Thursday, July 21, 2011

Motivation

Admittedly...I have a motivation problem.  My ability to completely shut down when things aren't going well is NOT an asset.  It's exactly the problem.  Well, a portion of the problem anyway.

I have a fantastic group of friends.  They are always telling me how great I am.  : )  "You are one of the smartest people I know.  I am jealous of your strength.  I wish I were capable at as many things as you."  Yes..these are real things that people have said about me to my face.  Not bragging on myself, bragging on my friends.  I love that people think these things about me.  Somewhere there is truth to it.  The one piece all of these wonderful people are missing is that I am a terminal rebel.  You say it...I am out to prove you wrong.

I have said it before and I will say it again...my best skill is my ability to sabotage.

I have been lacking all motivation lately.  Except for Chicago, I barely leave my house.  I haven't gotten on the scale since I agreed to challenge Ash.  The commercial told you and I am here to confirm that depression is real. 

I haven't been reading blogs.  You know I haven't been writing them.  My husband seems to have gone back to full time drinking within the last month. (NOT in excess per episode, just an increase in frequency which means that we are just a step away from being back to some eff'd up idea of NORMAL)  I am just really sad about a lot of things, not having a job.  Feeling totally useless.  Let's be honest.  FAT and useless.

I know I am not useless.  I know I am capable, I know I have skills. 

I am less than a week away from my two year blogaversary and two years since quitting smoking.  How am I sitting here today in a position of having to regain control of my life AGAIN? 

I have accomplished a lot this year, but there is still much more to do.  Trying to turn to my faith more and more, but I struggle with letting God handle a situation and becoming impatient and forcing a situation that is more about what I want than it is about what he wants.

The good news.  After 3 days in PJ's  I am dressed today.  My kids are dressed and we will be out the door.  What we will do...I have NO idea, but doing something is better than doing nothing, right?

2 comments:

  1. I have asked myself the same question *countless* times..."How am I sitting here today in a position of having to regain control of my life AGAIN?"

    I have come to accept that life is constantly throwing curve balls at us and how we handle those curve balls is proof that we are not only accepting the learning experiences/life lessons we are taught, but gaining strength through those life lessons.

    May sound cheesy, but I always think of that Aaliyah song where she sings "if at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try again". We all get into a funk, and depression is certainly real. But at some point we all have to dust ourselves off and try again :)

    Love ya girlie :)

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  2. Where you at. Come back. I miss you.

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