Tuesday, January 19, 2010

What about it?

This entry is really not about my weight. While I am happy to report that
I have not gained any weight...I haven't lost any either. I really haven't tried.
I haven't blogged about my weight in a while.
Let's face it...I haven't blogged in a while.

There was too much going on. We were in the process of building our new home and well, to put it bluntly...I have been doing everything! Everything that is except taking care of me.

I am worn pretty thin these days.

I have come to a point in my life that I thought I would never get to...REGRET.

I have always said that I don't regret anything. Even the idiotic stuff. My theory was that it got me here and well, here is better than there, or so I once believed. I was building myself up for the fall.

Sure it was stupid to live in my car for 3 weeks, I could have just sucked it up and apologized to my mom, but my spin was that I would have never really appreciated my mom. I like to say that these things make me stronger, but I am calling it out as bullshit right now.

All it did was give me the bricks to build walls and compartmentalize my feelings. These are thick walls too! You're not hearing you neighbor's bedroom conversation through them for sure. So I say I am strong, but I'm not...I'm just not scared anymore. Fear is a healthy thing and I am not afraid, I'm just apathetic.

So, about that regret..I think it's about time to go back and kick 16 year old Christie's ass for thinking that she could get engaged without anyone knowing and then getting bored of the whole thing and hurting someone who REALLY cared about her Jackslap 18 year old Christie for turning down a full scholarship (34 year old Christie would like to go back and time and introduce 18 year old to the brain trust that she works for now and maybe that would scare her enough to go to college). Mostly, I would like to go back and make alcoholism real to 18-23 year old Christie, because 34 year old is tired of all the responsibility.

When we are young, we are idealistic. As we age, we become cynical. The question is whether it is the world that makes us cynics or our own failures that mar our future...in any regard...I must become a priority, if only to myself.

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