Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Look Who's Back (Again)

It's me.

You knew that didn't you.

Damn, you're astute!

A lot has happened since I've been gone (again).

Let's just get the housekeeping items out of the way...

Everything worked out with my job...go figure.  I'm where I have always been and I am sooo grateful for that.  I love my people.  They love me (or they are really good at pretending they do).  I enjoy what I do in the realm of "I have to have a job".  It's not the world's most stimulating work, but I'm generally happy there and if you can't be ecstatically happy, generally happy is a good place to be.

So now that we have established that I settle...

Christmas came and went.  The New Year followed suit and a few days after my dad summoned us all together to tell us he was going to go on hospice.  Yikes!

Since I have been away, there a lot has happened with his health.  He, like myself, was diagnosed with DIABETES.  The big scary MO-FO that it is...  After years of not following the doctors direction and the plan for better health he was faced with an ultimate decision: Dialysis or Death.  He, of course, chose long as he had control over it. 

Just so we're clear...there is no control over dialysis.  It's do or die.  Simple as that.

In January, he'd had enough. 

He had fear filled moments that caused his decisions to fluctuate, but after a period of flip-flopping, he course corrected and solidified his decision to die.  On February 5th, he took his final breath and with it went my hope of a different relationship.

I still struggle with the "decision to die".  Is it suicide?  Is it giving up?

I don't understand.

I want to LIVE more than anything.  I want to take advantage of every opportunity...but I don't.

I am going through with bypass.  Feel how you feel about it.  Doesn't matter.

Did I think that I would make this decision?  Of course not.  I hoped for something better. 

Bypass won't solve my issue, I know that, but it's the only thing I haven't tried.

Until next time, peeps.


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