Ramblings

I just wrote a half page blog about family and Oprah's temporarily thwarted plot to take over the world and then deleted it for two reasons.


1.  It was too emotional in a way that it sounded pathetically sad and self serving, even to me, and well, who needs that.


2.  Oprah has enough going on since her involvement with Weight Watchers caused the company's profits to take a nosedive and along with it her investment.  I'm sure that she is drowning her sorrows in some province in France known for it's croissants.  She doesn't need me to pile on, unless of course someone can come through with that meme of her riding a bike with a basket full of baguettes and other assorted breads, then it's on.  (Please creative types...I need this in my life)


Now that it's deleted I have to write about something else.


This has been kind of a crazy week.  After a series of hailstorms in TX, I find myself on CAT (catastrophe) duty at work.  Basically, myself and a coworker friend are assisting with settling total loss claims from the storm.  This requires everyday overtime.  SEVEN DAYS A WEEK.   They have been decent enough to let us have tomorrow off for Easter.  While this dedication to my job is not a surprise to any of us here (insert eye roll), it means that I have been eating poorly and I have not been walking. 


My first 5K of the season is 21 days away.  It's the first one with my 11 y/o as well, I cannot be thwarted!  (just so we are clear, that declaration is for when this post comes up in my Timehop in the future to remind me of my amazing resolve and so that I can question where that resolve is now.)  I have to have the resolve to push through and be an example of perseverance.  This is where they get you with this whole parenting thing.  You think you're getting this cuddly baby who loves you like you are their whole world and then bloop...you have to be an example, teach them life lessons and suddenly pretend that you're not totally screwed up by your own upbringing.


Sadly, right now, I don't feel like walking.  AT ALL.  I do not have the fire for it like last year. I have 3 "races" scheduled within the next 60 days.  The Color Run -St. Louis on 04/16/2016, The Roller Coaster Race - Six Flags St. Louis on 05/01/2016, and The Rivertown Run - Washington, MO on 05/14/2016.  It'll get better...endorphins and all. 


Wish me luck or better yet pray for me.


Find me on Twitter:  @truefictionblog

The Scoop

This morning, I'm not sure how to feel about my decision to proceed with the consideration of weight loss surgery.


It feels like giving up.


I'm not giving up.


I'm calling it a course correction.  Why?  Well since you asked, its alliterative and I am in love with healthy doses of alliteration.  It also sounds better than "I am totally disappointed in myself and at this juncture my deja vu's deja vu has deja vu."


How does one get to the point of doing the one thing they said they'd never do?
I'll break it down in 10 simple steps.

10 STEPS TO DO WHAT YOU SAID YOU WOULD NEVER DO

AKA: 10 STEPS TO LETTING YOURSELF DOWN



1. Say you'll never do the thing. (This is key)
2. Work really hard at doing the opposite of the thing.
3.Once you really start seeing results, work half-ass at doing the opposite thing.
4. Get tired of your own BS about the opposite thing.
5.Stop doing the opposite thing.
6. Stop doing anything
7. Feel bad about yourself. (This is an important step and can sometimes switch places with #6)
8.( Warning, this is a long one)Watch about 25 episodes of My 600-lb life to solidify that you feel bad about yourself, because these people are more than double your size and they are changing their lives.  Look at what they've accomplished in a year and you have accomplished nothing in 5 or more years of trying.
9. Remind yourself that people think you're great and love you while you also tell yourself that you have them fooled and they can't possibly see that you are truly a failure.
10. Resign yourself to do the thing.


Granted #8 is oddly specific to my personal thing, but it can easily be replaced with Hoarders (shout out clutterbugs!) or something that forces you to be all up in your feelings about both the thing and the opposite of the thing.


Whew!  We work really hard at letting ourselves down don't we?  After I wrote all that out I thought from now on I should just skip steps 2-9 from now on.


I understand the amount of work and dedication that will still need to be in place for this to be successful. 


I have a plan.


It looks like this:

The Plan

1. Visit the seminar that I've been to twice (because insurance requires it)
2. Make the appointment with the Dr.
3. Continue with my program.  Race season is upon us, so the plan is to continue gearing up.  I have races scheduled through May, I am planning on continuing to schedule them through the summer.
4. Get healthier and go with surgery (unless I get so healthy I don't need surgery o_O )

Anyway, so that's the scoop from my neck of the woods right now.


Feel free to mock me online here or on your favorite social media outlet.


Twitter:  @truefictionblog



Look Who's Back (Again)

It's me.

You knew that didn't you.

Damn, you're astute!

A lot has happened since I've been gone (again).

Let's just get the housekeeping items out of the way...

Everything worked out with my job...go figure.  I'm where I have always been and I am sooo grateful for that.  I love my people.  They love me (or they are really good at pretending they do).  I enjoy what I do in the realm of "I have to have a job".  It's not the world's most stimulating work, but I'm generally happy there and if you can't be ecstatically happy, generally happy is a good place to be.

So now that we have established that I settle...

Christmas came and went.  The New Year followed suit and a few days after my dad summoned us all together to tell us he was going to go on hospice.  Yikes!

Since I have been away, there a lot has happened with his health.  He, like myself, was diagnosed with DIABETES.  The big scary MO-FO that it is...  After years of not following the doctors direction and the plan for better health he was faced with an ultimate decision: Dialysis or Death.  He, of course, chose dialysis...as long as he had control over it. 

Just so we're clear...there is no control over dialysis.  It's do or die.  Simple as that.

In January, he'd had enough. 

He had fear filled moments that caused his decisions to fluctuate, but after a period of flip-flopping, he course corrected and solidified his decision to die.  On February 5th, he took his final breath and with it went my hope of a different relationship.

I still struggle with the "decision to die".  Is it suicide?  Is it giving up?

I don't understand.

I want to LIVE more than anything.  I want to take advantage of every opportunity...but I don't.

I am going through with bypass.  Feel how you feel about it.  Doesn't matter.

Did I think that I would make this decision?  Of course not.  I hoped for something better. 

Bypass won't solve my issue, I know that, but it's the only thing I haven't tried.

Until next time, peeps.