Friday, February 24, 2012


Nothing hurts me like the feeling of disappointment.

Is that weird?

I try to control it, but it stinks.  It's embarassing for me at 36 years old to admit that, but I'm trying to keep it real.

For example, when we went to Chicago this past summer for vacation (the first vacation we had gone on since Autumn was two and I was pregnant with Erica) you may remember that my hubby's friend committed suicide.  We found out literally 10 miles outside the city on our way in.  Hubby was upset and torn about whether he should go back home.  I felt trapped.  I felt like I couldn't say anything because he needed me to be there for him, I was super pissed at the friend, and more than anything the hot tears I felt on my face that day were mostly for the fact that I actually let myself get excited about something and fell apart.  Par for the course.  I was disappointed.

I am a prime example of someone who "suffers" from disappointment. 

People, when given the opportunity, will let you down.  I don't mean to sound all melodramatic about it or anything, but I truly believe it.  If you ask the handful of people that I feel I can depend on to come through for me, they will mostly tell you that among them are people who don't deserve to be there, but have earned a place anyway due to my notoriously low expectations of others.

They will tell you that (with exceptions), I am a way better friend to others than others are to me. 

I guess I am thinking a lot about it today because I am starting to realize that I am lonely.    Most of the time, despite people being around...I feel alone. 

Taking all this a step further, I wonder if this is why I find it so hard to motivate myself, sometimes.  Am I trying to stave off possible disappointment in myself?  Is this abnormal?

What do you think?

Today's Spark: No disappointing me!


  1. self doubt is the most common thing any of us go through. Addressing those issues is what will propel you forward.

    As for the disappointment with others, whether you have low expectations or none at all they are YOUR expectations. Realize that people are only capable of giving in their own make up, it's who THEY are. If you are expecting a self absorbed whiner to be interested in your life you have to realize that they are way to in to themselves to EVER hear you talking.

    Get your nose off the tree , step back and look at the forest, and i don't mean Gump.

    all of us feel lonely at times and it sucks, especially those times we are forced to sit with ourselves. At the end of the day we realize we are pretty damn good company.


  2. Hi Christine,
    I don't think it is weird that you are highly affected by disappointment. I mean really, does anyone want to be disappointed? I think we all have our triggers. Quite possibily they are all one form of disappointment or another.
    I'm sorry you are also lonely. I know my loneliness, among other things, played a significant part in my weight gain. I have been thinking about what I need to do to become less lonely as well.
    I also find it interesting that you are questioning any connection that your sometimes lack of motivatation has to do with your desire not to disappoint yourself. I'm seeing more and more that you and I very alike. How many times have I sabatoged myself just so that I won't be disappointed when I don't reach my goal? Let's just say too many.

  3. Oh, and that little face in that picture... makes me say awwwwww.

  4. I am too. I see my few friends with huge circles of girlfriends and not me, just a small number of friends and yes, I am often the one who bends, the one who makes things happen. I sometimes wonder what is wrong, different about me.
    if its any help, i do understand how you feel x