Recovery

Today, I am officially 10 days post double hernia surgery.

Slow recovery, but I am recovering.  I am unable to stand for long periods of time and I tire very easily.  This is definitely not the enjoyable, lots of time for writing and enjoying myself, recovery I had planned.  This is I can't wipe my ass recovery. 

TMI?
Nope.  That is the bare minimum of totally embarrassing, demeaning things my husband has had to do for me this week.  God love him.

On the upside, by pushing all my guts back in, and sewing my muscles back together and restraining their sheer force of weight back with a piece of mesh...there is not a whole lot of extra room in there.  I can barely hold a quarter cup of food for a whole day.  This is both good and bad I suppose.  I've already lost 5 lbs.

My surgeon is also a bariatric surgeon.  Which has got me thinking again.  Terrible, I know.

Make a decision and stick with it, lady!

I want to say that I still believe everything I have ever said on the subject, but I don't know if I do.  I have a follow up appointment with him tomorrow and with that I may just broach the subject again.

I'm 40, people.  Time is of the essence.

Disbelief

I can't believe that people are still reading this blog.

Facts are facts, I guess.

Well, lets catch you up on what has happened in my nearly three year absence.

I'm still fat.

Many of you aren't surprised.  Some of you believers...I got you.  I let you down.  I get it.

I got so tired of failing publicly and wanting this to be something it was never going to be, that I just gave up. I've tried at least 10 different incarnations. 

I was tired.

I stopped writing for me and started writing for whatever was going to bring in more followers.

Sorry 'bout that.

I stopped writing about Life Inside the Blubber Sarcophagus and started writing about Life Outside the Blubber Sarcophagus. 

Once, I even dreamt that my success story was featured on Oprah.  I guess that ship has sailed in a big way.  Guaranteed there is nothing in this life fit for Super Soul Sunday.  Nothing here that is ready to inspire you in a big way.  Not yet anyway.

I'm still tired, but for different reasons.

I'm tired because I am 40 years old now.
 I'm emotionally down. 
Real mid-life crisis crap.

I have a job.  A good job, with a company I love, but well, my job role us changing to something that makes me anxious and apprehensive. Along with that change, I feel like I am losing so much.  I'm losing a family that I feel like I worked hard to build.  People who really liked me for being the most honest me EVER.  The one who never pretended to be someone else to fit in, the one who accepted everyone as they were and didn't ask anyone to pretend to be someone they weren't.

There are even deeper personal things that I am losing.  I'm losing time away from my family.  My commute to work will go from 1 hour to 2 hours because of the start time in my new position.  This means that my 1 hour and 15 minute commute will go to nearly 2 hours.

It's not the worst thing.  I still have a job.

So why does it feel like the most soul crushing thing ever?