Ramblings

I just wrote a half page blog about family and Oprah's temporarily thwarted plot to take over the world and then deleted it for two reasons.


1.  It was too emotional in a way that it sounded pathetically sad and self serving, even to me, and well, who needs that.


2.  Oprah has enough going on since her involvement with Weight Watchers caused the company's profits to take a nosedive and along with it her investment.  I'm sure that she is drowning her sorrows in some province in France known for it's croissants.  She doesn't need me to pile on, unless of course someone can come through with that meme of her riding a bike with a basket full of baguettes and other assorted breads, then it's on.  (Please creative types...I need this in my life)


Now that it's deleted I have to write about something else.


This has been kind of a crazy week.  After a series of hailstorms in TX, I find myself on CAT (catastrophe) duty at work.  Basically, myself and a coworker friend are assisting with settling total loss claims from the storm.  This requires everyday overtime.  SEVEN DAYS A WEEK.   They have been decent enough to let us have tomorrow off for Easter.  While this dedication to my job is not a surprise to any of us here (insert eye roll), it means that I have been eating poorly and I have not been walking. 


My first 5K of the season is 21 days away.  It's the first one with my 11 y/o as well, I cannot be thwarted!  (just so we are clear, that declaration is for when this post comes up in my Timehop in the future to remind me of my amazing resolve and so that I can question where that resolve is now.)  I have to have the resolve to push through and be an example of perseverance.  This is where they get you with this whole parenting thing.  You think you're getting this cuddly baby who loves you like you are their whole world and then bloop...you have to be an example, teach them life lessons and suddenly pretend that you're not totally screwed up by your own upbringing.


Sadly, right now, I don't feel like walking.  AT ALL.  I do not have the fire for it like last year. I have 3 "races" scheduled within the next 60 days.  The Color Run -St. Louis on 04/16/2016, The Roller Coaster Race - Six Flags St. Louis on 05/01/2016, and The Rivertown Run - Washington, MO on 05/14/2016.  It'll get better...endorphins and all. 


Wish me luck or better yet pray for me.


Find me on Twitter:  @truefictionblog

The Scoop

This morning, I'm not sure how to feel about my decision to proceed with the consideration of weight loss surgery.


It feels like giving up.


I'm not giving up.


I'm calling it a course correction.  Why?  Well since you asked, its alliterative and I am in love with healthy doses of alliteration.  It also sounds better than "I am totally disappointed in myself and at this juncture my deja vu's deja vu has deja vu."


How does one get to the point of doing the one thing they said they'd never do?
I'll break it down in 10 simple steps.

10 STEPS TO DO WHAT YOU SAID YOU WOULD NEVER DO

AKA: 10 STEPS TO LETTING YOURSELF DOWN



1. Say you'll never do the thing. (This is key)
2. Work really hard at doing the opposite of the thing.
3.Once you really start seeing results, work half-ass at doing the opposite thing.
4. Get tired of your own BS about the opposite thing.
5.Stop doing the opposite thing.
6. Stop doing anything
7. Feel bad about yourself. (This is an important step and can sometimes switch places with #6)
8.( Warning, this is a long one)Watch about 25 episodes of My 600-lb life to solidify that you feel bad about yourself, because these people are more than double your size and they are changing their lives.  Look at what they've accomplished in a year and you have accomplished nothing in 5 or more years of trying.
9. Remind yourself that people think you're great and love you while you also tell yourself that you have them fooled and they can't possibly see that you are truly a failure.
10. Resign yourself to do the thing.


Granted #8 is oddly specific to my personal thing, but it can easily be replaced with Hoarders (shout out clutterbugs!) or something that forces you to be all up in your feelings about both the thing and the opposite of the thing.


Whew!  We work really hard at letting ourselves down don't we?  After I wrote all that out I thought from now on I should just skip steps 2-9 from now on.


I understand the amount of work and dedication that will still need to be in place for this to be successful. 


I have a plan.


It looks like this:

The Plan

1. Visit the seminar that I've been to twice (because insurance requires it)
2. Make the appointment with the Dr.
3. Continue with my program.  Race season is upon us, so the plan is to continue gearing up.  I have races scheduled through May, I am planning on continuing to schedule them through the summer.
4. Get healthier and go with surgery (unless I get so healthy I don't need surgery o_O )

Anyway, so that's the scoop from my neck of the woods right now.


Feel free to mock me online here or on your favorite social media outlet.


Twitter:  @truefictionblog



Look Who's Back (Again)

It's me.

You knew that didn't you.

Damn, you're astute!

A lot has happened since I've been gone (again).

Let's just get the housekeeping items out of the way...

Everything worked out with my job...go figure.  I'm where I have always been and I am sooo grateful for that.  I love my people.  They love me (or they are really good at pretending they do).  I enjoy what I do in the realm of "I have to have a job".  It's not the world's most stimulating work, but I'm generally happy there and if you can't be ecstatically happy, generally happy is a good place to be.

So now that we have established that I settle...

Christmas came and went.  The New Year followed suit and a few days after my dad summoned us all together to tell us he was going to go on hospice.  Yikes!

Since I have been away, there a lot has happened with his health.  He, like myself, was diagnosed with DIABETES.  The big scary MO-FO that it is...  After years of not following the doctors direction and the plan for better health he was faced with an ultimate decision: Dialysis or Death.  He, of course, chose dialysis...as long as he had control over it. 

Just so we're clear...there is no control over dialysis.  It's do or die.  Simple as that.

In January, he'd had enough. 

He had fear filled moments that caused his decisions to fluctuate, but after a period of flip-flopping, he course corrected and solidified his decision to die.  On February 5th, he took his final breath and with it went my hope of a different relationship.

I still struggle with the "decision to die".  Is it suicide?  Is it giving up?

I don't understand.

I want to LIVE more than anything.  I want to take advantage of every opportunity...but I don't.

I am going through with bypass.  Feel how you feel about it.  Doesn't matter.

Did I think that I would make this decision?  Of course not.  I hoped for something better. 

Bypass won't solve my issue, I know that, but it's the only thing I haven't tried.

Until next time, peeps.



 

Recovery

Today, I am officially 10 days post double hernia surgery.

Slow recovery, but I am recovering.  I am unable to stand for long periods of time and I tire very easily.  This is definitely not the enjoyable, lots of time for writing and enjoying myself, recovery I had planned.  This is I can't wipe my ass recovery. 

TMI?
Nope.  That is the bare minimum of totally embarrassing, demeaning things my husband has had to do for me this week.  God love him.

On the upside, by pushing all my guts back in, and sewing my muscles back together and restraining their sheer force of weight back with a piece of mesh...there is not a whole lot of extra room in there.  I can barely hold a quarter cup of food for a whole day.  This is both good and bad I suppose.  I've already lost 5 lbs.

My surgeon is also a bariatric surgeon.  Which has got me thinking again.  Terrible, I know.

Make a decision and stick with it, lady!

I want to say that I still believe everything I have ever said on the subject, but I don't know if I do.  I have a follow up appointment with him tomorrow and with that I may just broach the subject again.

I'm 40, people.  Time is of the essence.

Disbelief

I can't believe that people are still reading this blog.

Facts are facts, I guess.

Well, lets catch you up on what has happened in my nearly three year absence.

I'm still fat.

Many of you aren't surprised.  Some of you believers...I got you.  I let you down.  I get it.

I got so tired of failing publicly and wanting this to be something it was never going to be, that I just gave up. I've tried at least 10 different incarnations. 

I was tired.

I stopped writing for me and started writing for whatever was going to bring in more followers.

Sorry 'bout that.

I stopped writing about Life Inside the Blubber Sarcophagus and started writing about Life Outside the Blubber Sarcophagus. 

Once, I even dreamt that my success story was featured on Oprah.  I guess that ship has sailed in a big way.  Guaranteed there is nothing in this life fit for Super Soul Sunday.  Nothing here that is ready to inspire you in a big way.  Not yet anyway.

I'm still tired, but for different reasons.

I'm tired because I am 40 years old now.
 I'm emotionally down. 
Real mid-life crisis crap.

I have a job.  A good job, with a company I love, but well, my job role us changing to something that makes me anxious and apprehensive. Along with that change, I feel like I am losing so much.  I'm losing a family that I feel like I worked hard to build.  People who really liked me for being the most honest me EVER.  The one who never pretended to be someone else to fit in, the one who accepted everyone as they were and didn't ask anyone to pretend to be someone they weren't.

There are even deeper personal things that I am losing.  I'm losing time away from my family.  My commute to work will go from 1 hour to 2 hours because of the start time in my new position.  This means that my 1 hour and 15 minute commute will go to nearly 2 hours.

It's not the worst thing.  I still have a job.

So why does it feel like the most soul crushing thing ever?

New Blog

Just my new general writing venture...if you are interested.  True, Factual Fiction.  Stop on by!  I would love to have you!
 

Monday, Monday

I haven't been around much lately.

I haven't been writing here, I haven't been reading here, I haven't been here at all.

It's not because I went off the rails, quit trying, and gained a bunch of weight.  It's because the impact of writing this blog affected an area of my life that is important to me: My Writing.

The responsibility of trying to be here and straight up writing about losing weight, writing about trying to get healthy stole my writing joy.  I didn't write for a while...at all.

It's back though...it's like an addiction.  A need for me to put pen to paper and express how I feel, or just feelings in general, bubbles right underneath the surface, I have to feed that need.  It's a healthy addiction.

I have considered that maybe the strong focus on losing weight sometimes makes me dislike myself. 

Maybe I can't see the forest for the trees due to my laser focus on one particular area of my life.

We all know that you can workout and eat right and do everything right and one day you will reach your goal...but will it fix what got you here in the first place?  I don't believe that everyone has a deep seeded reason they gained weight, but I believe I do.  I believe this because the same struggles I fight with losing weight are the same struggles I have in not reaching ANY goal I set.

I am still here.  I am still fighting.  I am still writing both here and around.  I am not sure right now if my two writing worlds have a relationship they plan to take public.  I am not going anywhere.  This is still a priority to me.  It just can't be THE priority.  It has a place and an implementation, but it has definitely carried unnecessary focus since I lost my job.  The phrase that pays should be "Healthy Body, Healthy Mind." 

Fitbit vs. Slimcoach: A Winner

When it all comes right down to it, Fitbit is victorious.  When it comes down to a reason...it's because of convenience.

Slimcoach is just a hassle.  It has been knocked off of me getting in and out of the car, walking with my kids,  and getting out of a movie seat.  I have had to make numerous calls to stores, restaurants, and movie theaters to search for it.  I have sent many a child to the wall for repeatedly pushing the button to make the light come on, therefore my children, nieces, and nephews HATE it.  :)

Besides that...fitbit is conveniently worn while I am sleeping.  I never forget to put it on.  Slimcoach is too clunky to sleep in and if I tried, it would fall off in bed.  With a busy schedule it gets left behind all the time and this skews its reporting. I am increasing my steps daily, but my inability to remember to put the darn thing on forces slimcoach to give me a reading indicating that I am a waddling penguin with an inactive lifestyle (actual graphic).

Fitbit only needs to be charged like every 6 or 7 days.  If need be, I can charge it during one night of sleep and since I wear it on my shirt or bra...I can easily remember to put it on.  I have also gotten into the habit of putting it on the charger while I shower, eliminating the need for it to be charging for an extensive period of time.

I have also noticed a difference in step tracking between the two devices.  Slimcoach always ends up reporting a significant increase in the number of my steps compared to fitbit.  Sometimes as many as 1,500 to 2,000.  I have no way to know with which device the issue of accuracy lies, but knowing what I know about myself and the fact that I want to get healthy, I am going to err on the side of caution and go with the lower number. 

The Slimcoach website is only free for the first year. Fitbit is free whether you have the device or not. The user interface online for Slimcoach has a lot of really nice features, but the clunkiness and inconvenience of the device itself, outweighs the good.

In the end, fitbit is more user friendly, convenient, the website is free.  Losing weight is hard enough...no need to complicate it.

An Open Letter To Davy Jones

Dear Davy,

When I was 12 and totally in love with you, I began many, many letters with those two words.  Of course, my undying devotion to you continued despite our 30 year age difference. The fact that you were 42 when I was a pre-teen was not an insurmountable feat for true love.  You were gorgeous and I was adept at making friendship bracelets, surely you would have felt the same if you had met me.  After all, there would be absolutely nothing pedophilic about the way that you would feel when you saw me in my knee length, navy blue culottes and yellow sweat shirt.

My friend Rachel and I bonded over our love for The Monkees.  She was in love with Peter and I was completely devoted to you.  Somewhere there are cassette tapes of our conversations recorded on a chunky Strawberry Shortcake player, conversations where she gently reminded me that you were married to Anita (at the time) and I eerily joked about her not being able to live forever.  (Not a sociopath, I promise).

The truth is that I was a scared little girl, living a sometimes torturous life, seeing you smile a boyish grin and pretending that it was for me despite the fact it had been recorded a mere 20 years before I was seeing it, gave me hope.  It also opened me up to a world of feelings that I never had or understood before.  Through crushing on you, I listened to and loved every Monkees song.  Really listened to them lyrically. (consider the lyrics to Carlisle Wheeling). 

Local St. Louis Channel 11 (KPLR) showed The Monkees after school and my summer filled with reruns on Nickelodeon giving me many chances to see your face and smile.  After all...I had seen English men before and by those standards you were apparently cream of the crop (Sorry Rowan Atkinson).  I watched every episode.  I've seen the movie Head (24 years later I still don't understand it).  One day...no more episodes.  You were gone.  I mean, this was pre-internet, so you were GONE.  Sure, I caught you on an episode or two of My Two Dads, which led me to a short lived crush on Greg Evigan that is so completely embarrassing at this point I probably shouldn't even mention it.

I owe to you thanks for my love for the written word, my love for all genres of music, my completely developed, full-on corny sense of humor.  All of these things were sparked by a talented English lad thirty years my senior who will never know that I existed.  Perhaps it's better that way, you can remain perfect in my eyes forever.  Rest in Peace, David Thomas Jones.

Disappointment

Nothing hurts me like the feeling of disappointment.

Is that weird?

I try to control it, but it stinks.  It's embarassing for me at 36 years old to admit that, but I'm trying to keep it real.

For example, when we went to Chicago this past summer for vacation (the first vacation we had gone on since Autumn was two and I was pregnant with Erica) you may remember that my hubby's friend committed suicide.  We found out literally 10 miles outside the city on our way in.  Hubby was upset and torn about whether he should go back home.  I felt trapped.  I felt like I couldn't say anything because he needed me to be there for him, I was super pissed at the friend, and more than anything the hot tears I felt on my face that day were mostly for the fact that I actually let myself get excited about something and well...it fell apart.  Par for the course.  I was disappointed.

I am a prime example of someone who "suffers" from disappointment. 

People, when given the opportunity, will let you down.  I don't mean to sound all melodramatic about it or anything, but I truly believe it.  If you ask the handful of people that I feel I can depend on to come through for me, they will mostly tell you that among them are people who don't deserve to be there, but have earned a place anyway due to my notoriously low expectations of others.

They will tell you that (with exceptions), I am a way better friend to others than others are to me. 

I guess I am thinking a lot about it today because I am starting to realize that I am lonely.    Most of the time, despite people being around...I feel alone. 

Taking all this a step further, I wonder if this is why I find it so hard to motivate myself, sometimes.  Am I trying to stave off possible disappointment in myself?  Is this abnormal?

What do you think?

Today's Spark: No disappointing me!