Apologies

I am adept at Fat Girl Protocol.




Dictionary.com defines protocol as
1. the customs and regulations dealing with diplomatic formality, precedence, and etiquette.


Fat Girl Protocol is the set of customs and regulations on how to live as a fat girl within the social construct that allows the individual girl to have the freedom to twist the perspective of those around her to believe that she is just a fat girl who "has no idea how it happened" and "has no idea why it won't come off". There are some protocols that through my personal observation do appear to be universal.  Most are tailored to the individual.  There is another part of FGP that while it does, is not intended to deceive; and that is the part that allows us to alter ourselves, traits, and personalities to just survive in a world where people don't understand and judge us based on our fatness.   This is where I am the Queen of FGP. 


This is also why I'm sorry.


Part of my protocol was in keeping my world small.


It's a protection really.


Even when blogging my deepest, darkest fears to the masses.  My real world was small.


I held onto my weight because I was hurt.  Hurt by dirty, nasty people.  Hurt by insensitive people.  Hurt by regular "joes" that really didn't do anything than rub me the wrong way.


Keeping your world small can be difficult, but I am a pro.  Here are some of the ways I did it.


1. Be very judgmental.  The more pious you are the better.  Say a lot of things to true friends and family like, "I know I'm a big girl, but at least I love people." or "I'd rather be fat any day than stupid like ***fill in the blank***.


2.  Be very funny.  Cross the line funny.  Keeping those around you in stitches is time better spent then allowing them to have the opportunity to be real with you about their concerns for you.


3.  Try "just enough".  Make just enough effort for it to look like real effort, but don't actually make real effort.


4.  Never like anyone right away.  As a matter of fact, hate everyone right away.  That way if they're assholes you're right and if they're not you can always tell funny stories about the time you thought they were.


5. Be unapproachable.  Same reason as above but in reverse


6.  Never get to know anyone that isn't integral to your daily survival.


Long before my physical body changed, I just got tired of FGP.  I decided to stop working so hard to be accepted and just accept myself, everyone else be damned.  This is where everything changed for me, but in some cases the change was too late.


In 2011, I went on a field trip for Autumn's kindergarten class to the "farm" belonging to one of the teachers.  There was a picnic, activities, and water play.  My kid was in heaven.  I WAS MISERABLE.  I hated people because people didn't understand me at 300lbs. or they didn't want to...I don't know, but the last thing I wanted to do was to be categorically ignored for 8 hours like I was less than human.  I took up residency under a tree and figured that I would live there until it was time to go.  All the parents chatted with everyone, but me.  Look, I'm not blaming them now.  I get it.  I was anti-social.  I was in my head.  I was following FGP to the tee, because if they are talking smack about me now, it's because they were bigoted against overweight people and was because of surface me, not the real me.


While I was spending my time fat and sweaty beneath the tree, a woman approached me.  She was in a neck brace.  I asked her if she needed help spreading out the blanket she brought with her, but in my head I was thinking.  "Why?  Why here?  This is my tree!" She introduced herself as Barbara and she asked which one was mine.  I pointed Autumn out to her and she told me her son's name was Royce.  We had polite chatter.  Very pleasant.  She was nice.  At the end of the day, I said the goodbyes and the "see ya arounds" that you don't really have to mean when you live in a rural area where there is no chance of running into anyone anywhere.


I saw her once again at a parent volunteer meeting later that year.  We exchanged pleasantries and I immediately decided that I did not like these moms.  I was new to the area, they didn't know me, they didn't give two hoots if I lived or died.  This was my first and only parent volunteer meeting.  Barbara waved as I left and said "It was nice to see you".


Out of sight and out of mind.


Last summer, she sent me a friend request on Facebook.  I was already in a different mindset as a person, more comfortable with me and others.  It was evident from her photos, that I stalked immediately, she had been receiving treatment for breast cancer.  I immediately felt bad and thought, "she has always been so nice to me."  I prayed for her.  I didn't physically see her again until this spring when Autumn was inducted into the National Honor Society.  She was all smiles and ran up to me right away, hugged me and gave me kudos on my progress.  We chatted for a minute and went our separate ways.  I saw her a few days later at a band concert, where I emphatically waved and smiled at her and she replied in kind.  I never asked how she was doing.  Not because I didn't care, but because we weren't friendly like that.  I didn't want to be invasive and intrude into private arenas where I am not welcome.  I did care, I just didn't know how to express it.


Last night, Barbara passed away.


Amazing woman of faith, mother of two young sons, gone too soon.


And now I am truly sorry.  Sorry that I ever let FGP get in the way of building friendships and conversations with brave and truly amazing people.


I have lost more than weight.  I've lost my blinders.


If I have ever seemed dismissive, uncaring, or unapproachable to you...I am truly sorry.  Know that it is me, not you and I am working on it.

Everything is AWESOME

Hi.  It's me.


Everything is great! 


No.  Really!


I have lost about 80lbs total. Things have started slowing down.  I've failed at staying active with the intention of exercise, but I'm back on track.


So much has happened since I blogged last. (Isn't that always the way.)


I went zip lining  with my hubby for our anniversary and conquered a fear on top of doing something that had never been an option when I was heavier.  I love to shop.  Not in like an obsessive way, but in the way that I am wearing clothes that are nice, they fit, and I feel proud to wear.  Every time I fit in a 18 or 16, I'm like really?  Is this really happening? This is a totally weird feeling because I remember being in high school and my mom taking me to Fashion Bug because they sold plus size clothes.  I remember putting on 18's like it was yesterday and being so down on myself.  I had no idea what life laid out in front of me and how much living I was capable of at that point.  It felt oppressive and sad.


Today, I'm in the same place and it is such an overwhelming liberation that I'm sometimes scared that I'll go to sleep, wake up and find that this is all a dream.


So as of today...I'm signing up to do my first 15k.  That is 9.32 miles.  That is scary distance, but it must be done.  If I'm not moving forward, I'm standing still, or even worse getting vacuum suctioned into my past.  I believe at this point it is going to be great to challenge myself.  So far, I have a good friend signed up to do it with me, but I am looking for other participants as well. Who better to run with you than a community of people who know how hard you worked to get here?  You know what else?  They offer a 5k as well,  so if that is your starting point come out and let it be with us, Chicas who know what it's like to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and power on.  You'll have plenty of time to train because it is not until 12/10/2017.  Its called the Hot Chocolate Race in St. Louis Mo. and they are doing early bird sign up right freaking now...lol

Failure WILL NOT Kill Me

Today was the first day that my Timehop had a post laden with anger towards my Dad and his flip-flopping end of life decisions, his reaching out to people he hadn't spoken to in 40 years for advice instead of hearing the voice of his family, and his disregard for anything meaningful.


I hate the bitterness.


Bitterness turned to action.


My Dad gave up on life, his wife, his children, and his grandchildren.  He gave up on me.  This man who "responded well to dialysis" when he chose to do it,  just up and decided it wasn't worth the hassle and quit his life-saving treatment, then changed his mind right before he was dying, only to change it back to giving up after he had been given enough treatment to allow him to live a shallow existence for a few more days.


As much as you can want someone to live, you can also beg for it to be over.


I wished that he would say something poignant, apologize for not being there, and spend his last days telling me everything I should have been told by my Dad in my 40 years of life.  I wished that he would tell me that he loved me and I would believe it.  For the first time, I would feel like this man who was directly involved in bringing me to life would make me feel like a person he truly loved and not like a person he would've easily thrown away had it not been for the paper trail.


...but wishing will not make it so...


He died at 59 years old from failure.


Failure to act.


Long before dialysis, there was failure to take diabetic oral meds, failure to take insulin, and failure to change his diet.


Diabetes or kidney failure is not what killed him.  His failure to treat them did.


He died on 02/05/2016.  Over the next month or so...I struggled to care..not about life in general, but about him not being here.  I wanted to miss him, but I didn't.  He had long been gone for me longer than he had been physically gone and I was angry that I was not enough for him to choose to fight.  I couldn't understand how you could be presented with medical options to treat your illness and NOT utilize them.


Then it hit me like a ton of bricks...AM I DOING THE SAME THING?  Is my total disdain for weight loss surgery preventing me from treating my illness?  The answer I settled on was yes, so I took action.


I'm 12 weeks post surgery today.  I am down 60lbs.  I have lost the equivalent of my 9 year old daughter. 


I still wish I missed him, its not from lack of trying.  I understand now that there is nothing wrong with me if I don't.


Here's to deciding to live.

5 Weeks Out!

In less than two weeks, I'm back on the 5k circuit. 


Nervous.


I'm sure it will be fine, but with everything that my body has been through over the last few months I hope that it is ready.  I'm really going to have to buck up this week and power through a 3 or 4 mile walk to convince myself it will all be ok.  Plus, it's my first cold race.  So...


Next years race season is already in the works.  It looks like the Six Flags Roller Coaster Race and The Rivertown Run are a week apart, so that will be different for me.  I usually try to space them with at least a week in between, but these are my favorites.  It's good to challenge yourself, right?  Anybody, Anybody?


Just a few days ago, I hit the 50 pound mark.  I've lost 50 pounds since I made the decision to pursue Weight Loss Surgery (WLS) Amazing.  I can't believe it myself.




My doc suggested that I find an activity that I like other than walking and I am finding that as a struggle.  Walking is easy to fit into my day, but I guess I have to go old school and break out the free weights and pump the old iron.  My skin is getting super saggy, so I guess it's time to build some support muscle.


If you have any ideas on what other types of exercise/activities I might enjoy let me know.  Leave it in comments. 


I'm also super excited about my expanding diet options and mostly finding that I'm not as excited about them once they are a reality.  For example, this week I can have cold cereal (Only if it has less than 3g of Sugar and at least 5g of Fiber).  Eating cereal is a hard decision because the amount of food that I can have at a time is so limited AND I have a massive protein requirement, but sometimes, as much as I love cottage cheese...I miss something crunchy.  This morning I measured out my Cheerios and paired it with high protein Fairlife Milk.  The first few bites were miraculous and then....Soggyville.


My new acceptable foods are all carbs.  What a waste of a diet allowance.  Basically, if I eat any of them, I struggle to get in my proteins,  Tonight, I'm going to try to make Ricotta Bake, it's easy AND looks like Lasagna without the meat and noodles.  Hope it tastes as good. 


Always looking for high protein, low carb recipes and right now the only meat I can have is deli meat or fish. If you have a recipe worth sharing, hit me up in the comments, Facebook, Twitter (@truefictionblog), or Instagram (@chrmow).

4 Week Follow Up (Ode to Cottage Cheese)

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since I had my surgery. 


So hard to believe.


I have my second follow up with the surgeon today and I'm nervous.  I was hoping to have lost about 20lbs in this first 28 days, but I stalled out in week 3 at 15lbs lost.  This is still MAJOR and it's impact is not lost on me. 


I'm down 2 dress sizes from April, clothes actually look kinda cute on me.  I've always tried to be conscious about the way I look, but it's definitely more fun when I feel like I can dress more like I feel inside.


Tomorrow I also get to step up my diet and add thin shaved deli meat, soft cooked beans or peas, and any soup as long as there is no beef.  While I am happy to be progressing, I feel like every new food addition is a step into an uncharted territory.  Since the protein shakes are now completely gagtastic, I have been trying to plan my meals so that I can fit in enough protein to be totally free of them.  I eat fish everyday and supplement with cottage cheese and/or Oikos Triple Zero Greek Yogurt.  In the last two weeks, cottage cheese has been my lifesaver.  It's my new perfect food.  When I'm eating something other than cottage cheese, I wish it were cottage cheese.  My family really loves it as well.  We need to buy stock in Prairie Farms because all kidding aside, we have gone through 15lbs of cottage cheese in 15 days and I can only eat it 1/2c at a time.


I'm pleased to announce that 4 weeks in, I've still never thrown up.  This was LITERALLY my biggest post surgery concern, second only to not getting enough protein and losing my hair.


My walking has continued to increase and I am now at about 4-4.5 miles per day. Getting stronger everyday!  My first post surgery race is 12/11/2016.  Ironically, The Hot Chocolate Run.  It seems unlikely to me that they will have "No sugar added", but I'm not really there for the beverages, right? I'm a little worried that it's too much too soon, but I'll never know unless I try.  I'll be walking with my friends Squirrely Berly and Susie.  I've never cried in front of them before, but unless tragedy strikes between now and then, that's likely to be the day.


All good things.  All good things.

As Predicted

On Thursday, October 27, I awoke in the hospital to find the same old thing.  Me.


The surgery went off without a hitch if you don't count the hernia he found and repaired while he was in there. (Yes...ANOTHER hernia) Shortly after midnight, after the surgery, I was up and lapping the floor around the nurses station.  I was released from the hospital on the 27th after they confirmed that there was no leak in my gastric incision line with very little pain other than from the hernia repair.


The first few days were no big deal.  Resting and walking around the living room. A lot of thanking my husband for going above and beyond in ways only a man who took his "in sickness and in health" vows seriously can.  The clear liquid diet was ok...at first.  I wasn't experiencing any hunger, so it was more about forcing myself to get in the required protein and making sure that I was taking in enough to stay hydrated as slow and steady as possible. (not as easy as it seems it would be)
It was Sunday before I actually felt anything that was remotely like hunger and at this point, half a protein shake seemed to do the trick. 


Monday was Halloween and the hubster was gracious to drive me around while the kids did their thang. The doc probably would have liked me to walk after the surgery, but dealing with the tightness and the pulling from the hernia recovery was more than I could bear. As of Tuesday, I was getting around pretty good and was super pumped to start the full liquid diet the next day.


The full liquid diet was killing me slowly.  Not even gonna lie.  Protein shakes were getting old, protein drinks were better, but still a weird chalky flavor. Cream of Wheat was a blessing, but even with that I was dreaming of something with more substance.


The following Wednesday, a whole new world of food opened up to me.  Tuna, cheese, cottage cheese, mashed potatoes, low-fiber crackers.  This is living.  With this new advancement in my diet, I could no longer stomach the protein shakes, like at all.  I try to focus on foods that are higher in protein to make sure that I am getting my recommended amounts.  That basically means I eat fish a few times a day because there is not a scenario right now where I can even contemplate a protein shake.


I started back to work on Monday which was about 17 days since my surgery.  Everything is great.  I, of course, am looking forward to next week when I get to advance my diet again and enter the wonderful world of thin shaved deli meat.  So far I've lost 15lbs since the surgery and a total of 45 since I began this journey in April.  I am excited for all the changes and the opportunities that are in the forefront. 


I have attached a couple of before an after pictures.  The before pictures were taken from this very blog in 2011, the after taken last week.


More to come...

New Beginnings?

Tomorrow I am having Laproscopic Sleeve Gastrectomy.


I am a jumbled mix of excitement and nerves, but I am mostly at peace with my decision.


I have an amazing support system and while as I mentioned, there are some naysayers, my world is almost overwhelmingly positive, so thank you for that.


As I have addressed here before, I am an analyzer.  I really look into the heart of a person and see what they are truly about and I like to believe that I surround myself with generally good people.  Sure, some are catty...myself included sometimes, but it's a fun catty. (Ok, Ok, there's no such thing, we're working on it, ok?)


I've heard a lot about tomorrow and my new beginning.  It's all out of kindness and I don't want to sound at all ungrateful for the well wishes, but where did this idea come from?  This new beginning?


Sure, it all sounds great, right? 


Starting over?  Clean slate?


With all due respect, nothing about tomorrow is a clean slate.  I will not go under the knife tomorrow and wake up with a whole new body that allows me to start living the life I've always wanted.  What happens tomorrow won't remove all this extra weight in and of itself.  It will not change a minute, a word  It won't erase the fact that I haven't actively pursued a writing career.  It won't erase not even one of my 41 years.  It won't change anything, but the size of my stomach. 


If there is or was a new beginning to any of this it happened in April when I made the decision to pursue the operation.


Nothing about this is easy.


 You think it's easy?  Go on a 9 day liquid diet followed by two more weeks of a liquid diet.


This is not a new beginning, it's a different opportunity.  It's seeing the two roads diverge in the woods and taking the road that has a more direct path at being less morbidly obese.


This is a chance at being different.


All this does is mentally even my playing field.  It gives me the idea that I have a fighting chance and provides me with a weapon in my arsenal that I've never had before.


Tomorrow, when I come out of anesthesia...I will still be me. 


I will always still be me.


See you on the flip.

Save The Date

October 26, 2016


This is officially the date that I will undergo the surgery that I pray will be the tool that helps me to change my life.


I get a lot of questions about the procedure I am having, so click the link to find out all about Laparoscopic Sleeve Gastrectomy.  The link takes you directly to my surgeon's website.


This date is tentative pending the cooperation of my physician's office getting their crap together and faxing over a medical clearance for surgery.  A document that should be no problem, but thanks to a certain Medical Assistant in my primary's office it may take an act of God, but I digress.  Only good thoughts, right?


I officially start the process on the 21st, starting a 5 day full liquid diet.  My heart is thinking about starting it on the 17th.  I know that when it is all said and done I'll be OVER the whole liquid diet thing soon enough.


I have an amazing support system and I am so grateful for them all.  I also have some conscientious objectors.  People who like or love me that are concerned about what is going to happen.  People who are basing their opinions on what happened to so and so's cousin when they had surgery 15 years ago.  This is not your mama's gastric bypass surgery or "stomach stapling".  I fully believe through the research that I have done that this is a safer option than the actual bypass surgery which was available 20 years ago.  Not just from a surgical, but from a quality of life standpoint.


Regardless, this leg of the journey is just about to begin...

It's really happenening...

Like for real.


The insurance company approval came in yesterday.


Well, here's the real scoop...


A friend of mine was encouraging me to call the insurance company to see if it was approved.  I was hesitant because when it comes to something that is really important to me...I am a rule follower and they told me 30 days.  She is a nurse and she advised me that patients do this all the time and that it really was not a big deal.  So, reluctantly...I called.


I was approved for surgery.  Yay!


Yay?


hrmpf...  Now WHEN is this happening??


I told myself that I would remain calm and give the Dr. time to receive the info before I followed up with them, but my anxiety got the better of me and I called them.  They had not received the information and I was told that they will likely call me on the same day that I receive approval letter from the insurance company.


More waiting, followed by...the approval letter in my mailbox when I got home last night.


So now, I'm waiting on this dang phone call. Experiencing a crazy mix of giddiness, anxiety, and sheer terror.  Doing everything in my power to not pick up the phone and be pushy.  To not be the heifer that calls relentlessly and nags them to schedule my surgery.  I know the deal.  You should be kind to everyone, but Especially kind to servers and medical providers.  #TrueStory


So, I guess I'll let you know when I know...

Here. We. Go.

Last Tuesday I had my last appointment with the surgeon. 


I was apprehensive because I spent a lot of last month having "last" times.  I REALLY TRIED TO BE BETTER, but it's hard.  Especially when all of those who are supporting you, don't realize how detrimental "last" times can be.  In all fairness, I had planned some "last" times of my own.


Despite all of this, I still lost a pound last month, which was all I needed to do to get the green light from the Dr. and the paperwork submitted to the insurance company.


Now we wait. 


The only thing we know for sure is that it is happening.  Sooner, rather than later.


I did select the gastric sleeve and I have been busy trying to prepare.  I purchased all the vitamins that I will need for the first month.  I've been making sure that I have access to plenty of protein shakes and powders for the first few weeks, as well as trying things like "Mush" Soup and Leek Soup that I can eat once I come off clear liquids.


Most days I'm mostly certain that this is the right decision.  Others, well...


I need it, though.


I feel like it's really my last chance to live a different life.


I read a lot about after surgery.  It's scary, but it really makes you take a hard look at how food focused your life can be.  I really didn't see myself as a food focused person, but sitting on this side of facing at least 3 and a half weeks of liquids only, I have found myself crying over my future lack of food.  What I may never eat again...


Wow...


How privileged am I that this is even a fleeting thought for me?  All will be well. 


My main concerns focus around what I read about relationships, though.  I worry about friends who have maybe subconsciously given me the "fat girl" role in their lives and won't be able to figure out where I fit in otherwise.  I worry about my bigger friends and family and how they will feel and react when I am different, like I can't understand their world anymore.  ( I will always understand).  And, of course, I worry about the hubster, he's my jam.  He's the Andy to my Raggedy Ann, the Bert to my Ernie.  I have loved that man since I set eyes on him and I could lose every ounce of extra weight on my body and it would all be for nought if I lost him.  We've talked about it and he laughed.  He said, "I'm pretty easy going."  and he is.


The doc says the insurance can take up to 30 days, then surgery would be about two weeks out from then.  I'll keep you posted.